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Original poster

WWYD- 13 YO daughter and message I "shouldn't have read"

202 replies

over2021 · 20/10/2021 13:41

DD is 13 (Y9). Tomorrow her and some friends have arranged something after school that starts at 7pm. DD asked if her friends could come to ours after school before the event starts which is very local to us (not so much for them). I agreed then realised I was working late so said to DD they would need to order pizzas etc as I wouldn't be in- DH would be home from 6ish.

On reflection, I didn't want them walking to event - about 20 minute walk away- in the dark. DH doesn't have a big enough car to take them. So, I've changed my work plans so I could be home. I told DD and she said "a few girls wanted to go to the park first"- I was clear she was not to go to the park in the dark (the park is a wooded area with a pond etc not a playground).

Last night DD was being weird with her phone and when she went to bed I checked her messages. One in their group chat said "guys, my mum is such a buzz kill. She's coming home now so she can drive us but I've told her to drop us at half six so we can still go to the park".

I am fuming at her. I want to ground her and say not only can her friends not come but she's also not going to the event as clearly I can't trust her. DH says I need to back off and she's behaving like a normal teenager plus I shouldn't have read her messages but that I should drop them at the door and watch them go in.

WWYD!?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 20/10/2021 15:31

I don’t really see the issue, she’s a teen, calling your mother a “buzz kill” is pretty standard teen chat?
Just tell her she can’t go to the park if you don’t want her going, yes she might moan about it to her friends but that’s what teens do, god I used to slag my parents off all the time even though they were amazing 🤣

I can remember getting up to all sorts at that age, I was allowed out in the dark as long as I was in a group of friends (safety in numbers) and we didn’t even have phones back then to call for help if anything was to happen. But if you don’t feel it’s safe in your area then just say ‘no’ to her.

liveforsummer · 20/10/2021 15:35

No good dropping her at the door at 6.30 and watching them go in. We used to get dropped at the cinema and go in then sneak back out again when friends mum left and go to the pub instead. I can't decide whether I'd drop at the correct time at venue or cancel the whole thing. I'd be pretty mad if gone too all the effort of rearranging my day to facilitate them getting there safely then dd has been deceitful(couldn't care less a lot the name calling - that's standard)

diddl · 20/10/2021 15:42

"I'd be pretty mad if gone too all the effort of rearranging my day to facilitate them getting there safely then dd has been deceitful"

Op didn't need to rearrange anything-that was her choice.

liveforsummer · 20/10/2021 15:43

Well she wanted to ensure a group of 13 year olds got to an evening event safely and presumably where she is it's not especially safe for them to walk so the was the alternative to not going?

Jazzles2021 · 20/10/2021 15:48

This was me as a teenager! I think my Mum would have carried on as normal, and then caught me in the act!

There's every chance that if you drop her where she's meant to be, her better judgement might take over and they don't go to the park.

In that case, you'll be pleased with her, if not you can ground her for a month .

This happened to me and some other friends when we were teens, caught in the act! Bloody humiliating but we all got over it. And we're all very nice and normal now, despite our teenage antics.

diddl · 20/10/2021 15:49

@liveforsummer

Well she wanted to ensure a group of 13 year olds got to an evening event safely and presumably where she is it's not especially safe for them to walk so the was the alternative to not going?
Swapping cars with her husband so that he could take them?

I hadn't reallised that Op had put that it wasn't safe for them to walk, just that she changed her mind.

Jazzles2021 · 20/10/2021 15:50

@Jazzles2021

This was me as a teenager! I think my Mum would have carried on as normal, and then caught me in the act!

There's every chance that if you drop her where she's meant to be, her better judgement might take over and they don't go to the park.

In that case, you'll be pleased with her, if not you can ground her for a month .

This happened to me and some other friends when we were teens, caught in the act! Bloody humiliating but we all got over it. And we're all very nice and normal now, despite our teenage antics.

It also means you don't have to tell her about reading her texts. You can say you had a 'hunch' and make a display of omniscience! This is what stopped me from being worse, I genuinely thought my mum somehow knew everything/when I was lying.
ancientgran · 20/10/2021 15:51

@over2021

Thanks. Being a parent to a teen is so difficult- I need NCT classes now not 13 years ago!

I will have a chat with her when she gets home. She is generally trustworthy and sensible but this isn't the first time she's lied to me recently.

I always thought this. You get so much information of feeding and weaning and toilet training but the big decisions like when do you trust them to go to the corner shop alone, or walk to school, or go clubbing for the first time (God help us) you are on your own.

I think the lying is more of a worry than half an hour in the park with a group of friends. Maybe talk to her about that, it is hard be 13 and it is also hard being the parent of a 13 year old.

ThePlantsitter · 20/10/2021 15:52

Being a buzz kill is your job. It's fine. I would read this as her way of doing what you said without losing face because it's your fault, but if you want to be absolutely crystal I'd just say 'DD I am a buzz kill and I won't be dropping you lot off at the park before event tomorrow, just so you know, but I'm very happy to give you and your mattress a lift there.' without reference to having read her messages.

Watch her stomp away but she'll suck it up I'm sure.

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/10/2021 15:53

I personally think you are focusing on her message about you when the real issue is what do they have planned in the woods? I assume a smoke or drink/ drugs

I would play it v v cool and try to get her to open up and tell you what they had planned

Kids like yo huff nitrix oxide canisters

ancientgran · 20/10/2021 15:53

I love the idea of taking her mattress with her.

ThePlantsitter · 20/10/2021 15:53

Oof you and your mates! A mattress would be something else all together!

me4real · 20/10/2021 15:54

Maybe it's just me but why would they be so keen to go to a park (not play equipment) anyway, especially as it's getting dark?

Teenagers aren't reknowned for wanting a wholesome promenade around the park, are they?

I would wonder if it was to meet to have a drink or something.

ancientgran · 20/10/2021 15:56

@ThePlantsitter

Oof you and your mates! A mattress would be something else all together!
For some reason the idea of a teenager going out with her mattress has really made me laugh. My husband thinks I'm going mad I think.

I actually needed a laugh today, feeling a bit down after a bad cold and DH now has man flu so I am honestly grateful.

tootootaataa · 20/10/2021 15:59

There is no way in earth I would let my DC do that. I am 42 and my DP still pick me up after a rare night out as they don't like me walking in the dark.

Re: messages, you have the right to sporadically check. Our DC know we do that. We rarely do, to be honest, but it would not be a surprise if we mentioned something we had seen.

Buzzkill away. She is being a teenager. You are her parent. But just talk to her as rationally as possible to explain your actions. She might not listen. But then again she might

liveforsummer · 20/10/2021 16:00

@diddl how do you know swapping cars with her husband was possible? There could be many reasons they didn't do that - and well, there must be one or I'm sure they'd have done that. The fact OP didn't want them walking 20 minutes in the dark and the description of the park implies she thought both were unsafe, bearing in mind she's essentially responsible for all the dc at this point too. It's not so much changing your mind but thinking deeper about the logistics of something. Ie agreeing then remembering its now dark much earlier than it was a month ago the time.

pilates · 20/10/2021 16:02

Agree with your husband teenagers lie and it’s totally normal behaviour but I do think it’s fine to check her phone too at that age. Just say you’re dropping her off at 7 at the event just in case she gets any ideas about going to the park beforehand.

Tuliprain · 20/10/2021 16:03

I’d probably let her go to the park without telling her I knew her plans. Then when she got home I’d mention casually something so that she knew I knew. Then I’d tell her she needs to let you know where she’s going to be, even if she thinks you won’t agree and that you will let her go to these places (unless really dangerous!) as long as she’s open and honest with you.

WithMyEncyclopedia · 20/10/2021 16:03

@me4real

Maybe it's just me but why would they be so keen to go to a park (not play equipment) anyway, especially as it's getting dark?

Teenagers aren't reknowned for wanting a wholesome promenade around the park, are they?

I would wonder if it was to meet to have a drink or something.

Yup this would be my assumption - going to park to drink. Not something I would EVER have done........ Wink
cherrytreesa · 20/10/2021 16:05

But honestly you're being hysterical about them walking as a group through a park

Do you seriously believe they want to just walk through a park? That's very trusting of you. My money is on them getting booze and drinking it in the park.

scooterbear · 20/10/2021 16:05

I was a cool mum about this sort of stuff. Big mistake. A year and a half later I've got a Nearly 15 year old who has registry being drinking and getting in situations that might be dangerous and who is entitled and deceitful to boot. I thought giving her a bit of freedom would show her that I trust her to make sensible choices. Unfortunately the opposite has been true in my case. So I'd be quite firm about the lying tbh

Teateaandmoretea · 20/10/2021 16:13

I'd tell her she wasn't going and that it was off. Baffled by the namby pamby responses tbh.

If I can trust my young teen daughter she can go out to places with her friends, on terms that I pick her up and drop her off, if I can't she isn't going. I wouldn't let her hang around in the park in the dark.

She's 13 not 18.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/10/2021 16:14

@thunderandsunshine01

Another here suspicious as to what the plans were at the park. Not many 13 year olds I know go there to have a go on the swings?

I would personally be retracting the invitation to take the friends, and grounding. I think there could be more to this than meets the eye (normally was when I was a teen!)

Oh, we went on the swings and roundabouts.

It was more interesting after finishing Rosie's Stepdad's Homemade Rhubarb Gin, though.

More to the point, most parks are locked at dusk specifically to prevent horrible things happening - not all, but I'd possibly let her know that even if I were to be a total buzzkill, I'd prefer that to being the distraught Mum at a police press conference, so I'll be dropping her off at the door for 7pm sharp if she still wants to go.

And if she kicks off then, I'd point out that a) reading messages is a condition of having a phone and Internet access and b) she's not going at all now.

billy1966 · 20/10/2021 16:14

@TheTurn0fTheScrew

I wouldn't ground her I would reinforce the boundaries about staying safe when out, and change the arrangement to drop her at the door and see her go in.
I would do this and I would keep this knowledge in my hat.

Scupper her plans by dropping to the door and seeing her in there but don't let her know you have seen her comment.

There is nothing wrong with you checking your childs phone.

But you now know that she is prepared to lie and mislead you so I would just take this knowledge and supervise her more closely.

Get into the habit of confirming arrangements with other parents for sleepovers.

I have always confirmed these things, had the numbers of my children's friends parents.

I never had any issues but I always checked and thanked for sleepovers and shared collections and drops.

I was never close personal friends with any of the parents but we all knew who we were and politely waved at drop offs etc.

Fortunately all of the parents of my children/teens were all similarly committed to dropping, collecting and knowing where they were.

This has worked well for my 4.

Now some are in there 20's all I ask is that they text me that they are home so I don't wake up and wonder be it 2 or 4am they come in at!

Teateaandmoretea · 20/10/2021 16:15

I think actually a lot of the responses on this thread are from actual teenagers not parents of young teenagers.