WWYD- 13 YO daughter and message I "shouldn't have read"

[over2021]

DD is 13 (Y9). Tomorrow her and some friends have arranged something after school that starts at 7pm. DD asked if her friends could come to ours after school before the event starts which is very local to us (not so much for them). I agreed then realised I was working late so said to DD they would need to order pizzas etc as I wouldn't be in- DH would be home from 6ish.

On reflection, I didn't want them walking to event - about 20 minute walk away- in the dark. DH doesn't have a big enough car to take them. So, I've changed my work plans so I could be home. I told DD and she said "a few girls wanted to go to the park first"- I was clear she was not to go to the park in the dark (the park is a wooded area with a pond etc not a playground).

Last night DD was being weird with her phone and when she went to bed I checked her messages. One in their group chat said "guys, my mum is such a buzz kill. She's coming home now so she can drive us but I've told her to drop us at half six so we can still go to the park".

I am fuming at her. I want to ground her and say not only can her friends not come but she's also not going to the event as clearly I can't trust her. DH says I need to back off and she's behaving like a normal teenager plus I shouldn't have read her messages but that I should drop them at the door and watch them go in.

WWYD!?

For me it is a case of

Have I don't something that would upset her but could save her from harm

Is she doing something than can case harm

All for giving kids independence but would never let them do something that could cause harm when there is a immediate alternative solution.

I'd be dealing with it in a "ha ha gotcha did you think you had invented lying to your mother?" way. Not torrential rage although you may rightly feel like that but more "oh that's sooooo cute she thought she'd get away with that" way. And yes a consequence....how about a tracker on a phone with the proviso that ther phone stays on if she is not at school or at home and any time the tracker gets disabled the phone gets confiscated for eg 48 hours? amd much condescending laughter and eyerolling.

I definitely wouldn't let her know you've read her message, but keep monitoring her phone to see how it develops.

I think trust goes both ways. So if you're going to check her phone I think you should have told her. I certainly wouldn't manipulate the situation with petrol station runs and the like

My dd is also 13 and has started lying about such things. Telling her friends she’s allowed to do stuff without checking first then really angry when i scupper her plans.

I agree with others that you should drop them off at 7. You could, for example, decide to eat first to delay the time. I would tell her she has to stay at the venue and not go to the park regardless of the plans she has made with her friends.

Do you have the tracker app? We do. You could sit in the car outside the venue for a while to ensure she doesn’t sneak out if that’s a concern. Catching them in the act is the most effective way then natural consequences for poor behaviour.

@godmum56

I'd be dealing with it in a "ha ha gotcha did you think you had invented lying to your mother?" way. Not torrential rage although you may rightly feel like that but more "oh that's sooooo cute she thought she'd get away with that" way. And yes a consequence....how about a tracker on a phone with the proviso that ther phone stays on if she is not at school or at home and any time the tracker gets disabled the phone gets confiscated for eg 48 hours? amd much condescending laughter and eyerolling.

Why do you hate your child?

Sounds like you and your DH need to buy yourselves some white lightning and go have a date night at the park, have a cheeky snog on the swings 😉

Does your DD know you check her phone?

I will base my response on your answer to that.

Your saying you shouldn't have read her messages suggests she doesn't know. Is that right?

Does she know you check her messages? That's the key thing, it's one thing to check their messages with their knowledge, it's another to do it sneakily. If you confront her over this and you've been checking messages behind her back this situation will really explode, it will cause long term problems for your relationship.

WWYD!?

I wouldn't say a word, lt the plans go ahead

but

I would take myself with my dp and go to the park entrance at 6.30pm and as the girls approach - say oh my goodness hello girls, what are you all doing are? Don't get angry but just see what they say? then say well you're all of to the event now so lets walk with you......

this sends a better message, as your dd gets caught in the act but, next time she thinks about lying and doing or going somewhere she shouldn't be - shell remember this

far better than a telling off or a grounding

@Qwertyyui

I would act like I had not seen it and then find reasons to be later to drop her off on time. Just finishing the washing up. Oh the washing needs hung up. Oh I need a wee before I leave. Then be 'accidently late' and act surprised that she is worried about not being there half an hour early.

I agree with this approach. If you tell her you've seen the message she may get more secretive. She already knows its wrong and she shouldn't be doing it. But shes trying to save face in front of her friends. At 13, fitting in and being cool is important to alot of teens.

So I'd let the evening happen as planned, then take your sweet time getting them there. And see them go in. Anything to delay leaving the house etc. That way your DD still saves face in front of her friends as she can blame you. And you'll know she is safe.

If you alienate or embarrass her, shes likely to start hiding things from you.

Not sure if you've heard of this or not but I have this with my teen dd. If she is ever out and in a situation that gets uncomfortable for her or shes railroaded into doing something 'to fit in' or 'save face', and then can;t get herself out of it easily, have a word or phrase that she can text you.

Anything like 'can you remember to get those vitamins tonight?' anything at all thats normal, but that you'll know is code for you need to call me and make up something to come get me as I can't extract myself from this situation comfortably. She then save face with her friends as her mean mum is making her go for such and such a reason.

With mine I have a no questions asked thing, as long as its not abused. So if she finds herself somewhere she already knows she shouldn't be and its getting out of hand in some way she feels safe to text me and know I'll get her, with no judgement or ensuing argument of what the hell did she think she was doing etc or fear of getting into worse trouble.

Might be worth agreeing something like that with her for the future, as shes starting to go our more with friends. As there may well be another park incident but from another friends home that you know nothing about.

So at the park are either boys and/or booze I'd imagine (if my teen years were anything to go by!) something you'd not want her doing.

Trust is important and I tbh at that age I'd have found it a breach of trust that you'd read personal messages.

I'd just feign ignorance and drop her off at 7 at the agreed place. Keep it light. I tend to agree with your husband, its normal to push the boundaries at that age but it is also important for teens to also know there are boundaries there. And consider this - she might not even really want to go to the park, it could just be her friends/peer pressure. By dropping her off at the place you said you could be doing her a favour and giving her a legit excuse not to do something she doesn't really want to.

Lots of overreaction here.

Originally the kids were going to the OP’s house and the OP was happy for them to be there on their own and realistically you have no idea exactly where they go once they leave the house. So they likely planned to go to the park and as they were going on their own nobody would have known.

Then OP decided she didn’t want them going by themselves so said she would take them. They don’t want to think that they now can’t go to the park so they plan to anyway. It just happens that OP has read the message where this has been confirmed.

Teenagers are teenagers. Not wanting their parents to know or be involved with everything they do is completely normal behaviour. It’s the teen’s job to put one over on their parents, it’s the parents job to be ahead of the game.

As you know what their plans were you should just take them to the event at a set time and watch them go in. That way they have no idea that you have scuppered their plans but you will have.

There don’t need to be punishments, she’s allowed to have a go about a parent in a group chat with her mates. It’s no worse than what she might say in the playground, it’s just that as it’s in writing you’ve caught sight of it.

Teenagers lie-it is a normal part of growing up. If it were me, I’d probably be honest-tell her I was aware she was planning to go to the park, tell her why you were concerned and why she’s not going to be doing it.

I wouldn’t tell her off or ground her as she’ll end up never telling you anything.

I’ve got a 13 and 15 yr old dd.

I'm with your DH. And maybe, have a calm word with her about the message a couple of weeks later - say she can vent to her friends, sure, but knowing you can't trust her when it comes to her safety is really upsetting.

A long time ago I was a teenager and the prospect of hanging out with other teenagers (boys!!!) and maybe drinking would have had an appeal and the thing is, most of the time nothing terribly bad happens. The worst likely thing is drink fuelled Teen Drama or lost belongings.

But. There is a small chance that things can go very, very wrong - some boy gets your drunk daughter alone and rapes her in the bushes in the dark and she's too scared to say anything because she doesn't really remember and he says she said yes and she knows she shouldn't have been there in the first place. Not super likely but neither is a car accident and we always wear safety belts, to avoid ruined lives.

Do what you have to to keep her safe - just bear in mind that sometimes how you want to do that (yelling and grounding - absolutely natural to feel that way!) might not be the most effective.

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

You are perfectly reasonable to check a 13 years old's messages, but also I do think she's entitled to rant off to her mates in a group chat. She's annoyed because you've parented her plans. Bring up that you've seen the messy and let her know that it still stands that she can't go to the park and make it clear you'll be dropping them off at the event at 7pm.

Agree with this.

I would prob have let mine walk there in a group at that time, tbh, and may have let them go to the park, but that would depend on the park and on how confident I was that drinking/smoking wouldn't be a thing (it wouldn't have been in my dcs' case).

Perhaps they were meeting some boys & were going to go with them?

Is a condition of her having a phone that you can read it whenever you want?

In my day we just made the plans at school & no one was any the wiser!

I can't help that not wanting them to walk to the event is ridiculous.

You've caught her out but only because after saying that she could do something you changed work plans.

If your husband would be home at 6, wouldn't he have been suspicious if they had already left or left soon after to get somewhere a 20min walk away for 7pm?

I wouldn't say you know about the message. She testing her boundaries and by letting her know she will just work harder to hide the things she doesn't want you to know.

Stick to the plan and delay so the only option is to drop them at 7. I would however seriously think about how you are going to provide her with some additional freedom that works for both of you.

Having teens is all about the art of negotiating imo.

Obviously my response is based on the assumption that she knows you check her messages. We've always been very upfront with ours that we will do this whenever we see fit.

Does event start at 7? They won't have much time to get up to much in the park if going at half 6.

I'd just leave them to head off by themselves, it's not late & there's a group of them.

Mums are always a buzzkill in teenagers eyes so I don't think text was bad at all.

She's told you what the plan is so let this be a chance for her to prove you can trust her.

Did you suspect that she/they might go to the park?

If not it all seems a fuss to stop some 13yr olds walking together in the early evening dark for a few minutes.

Could you not have just swapped cars with your husband for the day?

I think it’s fair to check her phone in general at 13 but nothing about what her messages said would bother me. She is a teenager and wants some independence. She was looking forward to a parent free house for a couple of hours with pizza. Walking for 20 mins at 6pm is fine. It’s dark in winter by 4pm, are You going to lock her up all winter? She’s with a group of friends and making her way to an event. And you are being a buzzkill.

Maybe drop her off at 630 and then go to the park yourself. She will then see you and know she has been rumbled. Then you can ground her …. (And tell the other parents!)

I'd be dropping them off at 7 on the dot, no time for them to be wandering in the park then. I wouldn't ground her though, I know when I was 13 and there were no mobile phones we just made our plans at school and no one was any the wiser.

I've never felt the need to read my DC messages, but if I thought one of them was acting dodgy I probably would.

If she has already mentioned the park & been told no, then being asked to be dropped off at 6.30 would surely raise suspicions anyway?

So they just get dropped off at 7pm & no fuss/punishment needed?

Do you think that they are likely to ditch the event for the park?