WWYD- 13 YO daughter and message I "shouldn't have read"

[over2021]

DD is 13 (Y9). Tomorrow her and some friends have arranged something after school that starts at 7pm. DD asked if her friends could come to ours after school before the event starts which is very local to us (not so much for them). I agreed then realised I was working late so said to DD they would need to order pizzas etc as I wouldn't be in- DH would be home from 6ish.

On reflection, I didn't want them walking to event - about 20 minute walk away- in the dark. DH doesn't have a big enough car to take them. So, I've changed my work plans so I could be home. I told DD and she said "a few girls wanted to go to the park first"- I was clear she was not to go to the park in the dark (the park is a wooded area with a pond etc not a playground).

Last night DD was being weird with her phone and when she went to bed I checked her messages. One in their group chat said "guys, my mum is such a buzz kill. She's coming home now so she can drive us but I've told her to drop us at half six so we can still go to the park".

I am fuming at her. I want to ground her and say not only can her friends not come but she's also not going to the event as clearly I can't trust her. DH says I need to back off and she's behaving like a normal teenager plus I shouldn't have read her messages but that I should drop them at the door and watch them go in.

WWYD!?

If "going to the park" means the same as it did when I was a teen then hell would freeze over before I let a 13 year old do it.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]I would be annoyed at the deceit but confused as to way a group of 13 year olds can’t walk 20 minutes at 6.30pm?[/quote]
Maybe I am a buzzkill- it will be dark and not comfortable letting her and three other girls walk on their own; we're in a town so mainly residential/shops/pubs etc on route but just not ok with it

OP, have you asked her why they want to go to the park first?

I’d definitely want to know what’s so special about the park! As a pp says, if it means what it used to mean when I was a teen then no way would I let a 13 year old go.

would have a loooong chat with her and then set her a relevant punishment. A problem seems to be that she doesn’t understand why the park is a bad idea. I might tell her she has to research and write an essay on women’s safety, incl statistics on how many rapes and murders there are of females a year in your country, and that she can’t have her phone back or go out with her friends until she’s given you the essay.

🤣🤣🤣

You’ve never met a teen, have you?

@over2021 if you want to find out what is going on, say nothing, then keep checking her messages.

Another here suspicious as to what the plans were at the park. Not many 13 year olds I know go there to have a go on the swings?

I would personally be retracting the invitation to take the friends, and grounding. I think there could be more to this than meets the eye (normally was when I was a teen!)

I wouldn’t make too much of a deal of it, you don’t want her to hate you.

I would chat and say you are disappointed that she lied. I do think you should talk about allowing her more freedom though, otherwise she will just lie to you again about stuff like this. I don’t think she unreasonable to walk to the part as a group at that time at that age assuming they all have phones etc., unless you live in a bad area obviously.

An essay 😆😆

Do you have an agreement that you can access her phone? If so, fine. I'd say right DD I know I'm a buzz kill, I'm your mum. I'm taking you to the event, and be aware I will want to know more in future about your plans.
If you don't have an agreement you can access her phone, then there are now trust issues on both sides so it's a bit more complicated.
I'd say she & her friends were probably planning to drink or smoke in the park first - can you have a frank talk about that?

It’s a bit silly to be reading her messages but fair that you don’t want a young girl in a park at night.

Presumably you know what the event is just say you double checked the details, it actually starts at x time and you will now be dropping them at x time.

Don’t let her know you found out by checking her phone as it will be hard to punish her as you are now both in the wrong.

People saying you have the right to check a 13 year olds phone are wrong but you do have the right to remove her phone if you feel she is too immature to have one. Or delete certain apps/turn on parental locks so she is limited to calling her parents in an emergency etc

@Skysblue

Right so you changed your work plans around so you could accommodate her social life and make sure she’s safe, and she’s trying to trick you and going somewhere unsafe that you told her not to? I would be livid.

I’m not sure grounding her is the answer though, and I’m no expert on teens.

There are teo issues here thst need addressing:

1. Her lack of respect for you
2. Her lack of concern for her own safety.

I would have a loooong chat with her and then set her a relevant punishment. A problem seems to be that she doesn’t understand why the park is a bad idea. I might tell her she has to research and write an essay on women’s safety, incl statistics on how many rapes and murders there are of females a year in your country, and that she can’t have her phone back or go out with her friends until she’s given you the essay.

I’d also buy her a personal alarm to carry.

😂 You're right, you are no expert on teens!

OP, as long as she knows you check her messages and it's not done behind her back then I'd tell her what you've seen and reiterate they are not to go to the park. And if she's going to argue about it then there will be no event either.

If you check her phone behind her back then you have bigger issues!

OK, not ideal, but I agree with your DH that you should just drop them at 7 and watch them go in.

OR you could get DH to dress up in the cringiest of lycra clothing and announce he's going for a run and some exercises in the park. No 13 year old is going to want to risk her friends seeing her dad doing lunges in lycra

I’d have a chat but not punish. Explain why you have rearranged work - you didn’t want young teens walking in dark to event and why you didn’t want them to go to park - safety I assume. You need to be able to trust where she is. It sounds like they’d planned something perhaps meeting up with others. She might think you are over top but especially with other kids involved I’d err on side of caution. Is she aware of news eg teacher murdered in park in London recently.

My stepdaughter was told her messages could be checked at any point until she was 16. All this meant was she deleted the what's app messages from a bloke who shouldn't have been messaging her and police got involved whole other story

I wouldn't punish her, as I agree it's OK to rant about someone to friends. But equally, going to the park first is because they are probably drinking or meeting up with other people. At 16 I'd be less concerned.

I'd be talking to her and dropping her off on time at the door.

No yanbu. She is 13. She is still a child and I wouldn't want my children in the park at 7pm especially this time of year with the weather and darkness. Aso, my kids know that when they have a device of any kind I trump their right to privacy in order to keep them safe until they are older and responsible. Which would be when they are starting a levels. They have agreed this with me. We have to keep our kids safe. The world is very different to when we where teenagers.

They are probably meeting up with others.
I wouldn't let her know you've read it - just drop her at 7 and watch them go in you can phrase as feeling responsible for the other girls well being (which you are in a way) - perhaps have a talk a week or so later about the dangers of being out at night.
She is lying to keep up with her friends imv

@Skysblue

Right so you changed your work plans around so you could accommodate her social life and make sure she’s safe, and she’s trying to trick you and going somewhere unsafe that you told her not to? I would be livid.

I’m not sure grounding her is the answer though, and I’m no expert on teens.

There are teo issues here thst need addressing:

1. Her lack of respect for you
2. Her lack of concern for her own safety.

I would have a loooong chat with her and then set her a relevant punishment. A problem seems to be that she doesn’t understand why the park is a bad idea. I might tell her she has to research and write an essay on women’s safety, incl statistics on how many rapes and murders there are of females a year in your country, and that she can’t have her phone back or go out with her friends until she’s given you the essay.

I’d also buy her a personal alarm to carry.

I agree that separate from this situation you should have a talk with her about women’s safety.

Yes you can check messages. But honestly you're being hysterical about them walking as a group through a park. They want freedom. Teens automatically seek out space away from adults. The more you control and restrict them the further they will run. Would it have killed you to apply more rationality over a literal walk in the park? They walk to an event in a restricted time then get picked up. That limits what they CAN do but gives the feeling of freedom.

I would have agreed to let her go to the park, if I could drop her there with her friends, and that she called me on the way to the event. Next time, she will ask to be dropped off at her friends and there will be a "parent" taking them to the party.... They will still go to the park... You either know where she is, give her responsibility and trust or she does what she wants to do behind your back... teenagers will always get around things... make sure its the former...

I think yabu to not allow a group of year 9s to wall through a built up area at 6.30pm. Dd is right that it is a "buzzkill" thing to do.

What is your problem with them going to the park for 30mins before the event? What could they be doing (assuming as you are dropping them off you will see they arent laden down with booze).

What is the event?

I have a 14 year old and a 11 year old. I wouldn't check either of their phone messages without telling them I was going to, and I would only check them in any event if I had some sort of serious concern about something. I'm not saying that's right, but I am surprised that I seem to be in a minority on this.

@RedHelenB

At Y9 and in a group I think they'd have been fine together in the park/walking to the event.

Yes, this. There’s nothing wrong with their plans.

You’ve been way OTT OP. Let your child have some independence.

Own it - yep buzz-kill mum over here keeping my 13 yo dd safe and I won’t apologise for that. I wouldn’t ground but I would be having a conversation about safety and why it’s a hard no. Lying and deception would be a warning that if it happens again there would be consequences but I’d rather parent a teen with transparent conversations - I can only do that if the teen keeps their end of the deal.

(I have a dd age 13 in year 9). Don’t get into debate and step away from arguments. Final answer “this is how I parent and it’s my job to keep you safe”

@Qwertyyui

I would act like I had not seen it and then find reasons to be later to drop her off on time. Just finishing the washing up. Oh the washing needs hung up. Oh I need a wee before I leave. Then be 'accidently late' and act surprised that she is worried about not being there half an hour early.

detour for getting fuel would be good too, that would fill in 20 mins or so, esp if there was a que at the pumps!

@Lavender24

I think grounding her is way OTT. Just drop her at the door at 7 and make sure she goes in.

Yes I would do this too. I'd pretend I've not seen the phone and simply breezily say the event starts at 7 so you'll drop at 6.55.

Separately I would have a chat about the park being dangerous at night - the problem is teens think they are invincible and it won't happen to them.

@RedHelenB

At Y9 and in a group I think they'd have been fine together in the park/walking to the event.

Depends who they were meeting, were they planning on some drinking?

I think the OP was right to read the message. Her DD needs to understand that her movements will be monitored and checked. Not because the OPcan’t trust her ( which would actually be a reasonable argument in the circumstances) but because of her age. She is 13.