WWYD- 13 YO daughter and message I "shouldn't have read"

[over2021]

DD is 13 (Y9). Tomorrow her and some friends have arranged something after school that starts at 7pm. DD asked if her friends could come to ours after school before the event starts which is very local to us (not so much for them). I agreed then realised I was working late so said to DD they would need to order pizzas etc as I wouldn't be in- DH would be home from 6ish.

On reflection, I didn't want them walking to event - about 20 minute walk away- in the dark. DH doesn't have a big enough car to take them. So, I've changed my work plans so I could be home. I told DD and she said "a few girls wanted to go to the park first"- I was clear she was not to go to the park in the dark (the park is a wooded area with a pond etc not a playground).

Last night DD was being weird with her phone and when she went to bed I checked her messages. One in their group chat said "guys, my mum is such a buzz kill. She's coming home now so she can drive us but I've told her to drop us at half six so we can still go to the park".

I am fuming at her. I want to ground her and say not only can her friends not come but she's also not going to the event as clearly I can't trust her. DH says I need to back off and she's behaving like a normal teenager plus I shouldn't have read her messages but that I should drop them at the door and watch them go in.

WWYD!?

Oh boy. Reading this sort of thing and the overreaction by so many of you makes me realise why my 19yo daughter says her friends all thought I was a great parent.

If you want your daughter to grow up to be secretive and think you aren’t on her side, yeah, ground her and keep checking her phone. She’ll just find ways to do all the things against your “rules” in ever more dangerous ways.

Or you could realise that it’s really important to her to make her own decisions about going to a wooded area with her friends and be honest about the fact it makes you nervous, so could she check in with you every half hour by text until they get into the relative safety of the event .

You can’t control kids once they get to be teenagers. You need to teach them to be able to control themselves

Another here suspicious as to what the plans were at the park. Not many 13 year olds I know go there to have a go on the swings?

There aren't even any swings - it's a wooded area with a pond not a play park. Both suspicious and unsafe in the dark!

@scooterbear

I was a cool mum about this sort of stuff. Big mistake. A year and a half later I've got a Nearly 15 year old who has registry being drinking and getting in situations that might be dangerous and who is entitled and deceitful to boot. I thought giving her a bit of freedom would show her that I trust her to make sensible choices. Unfortunately the opposite has been true in my case. So I'd be quite firm about the lying tbh

Two distinct both were trusted to go out and about with friends and yes they did drink at house parties but they learned responsibility.

@MrsMcGarry SHE IS 13 not 19.

There is an enormous difference. If you let your child do what she wanted from then and she turned out okay that is pure luck.

Or you could realise that it’s really important to her to make her own decisions about going to a wooded area with her friends and be honest about the fact it makes you nervous, so could she check in with you every half hour by text until they get into the relative safety of the event.

What is your reaction if/when she doesn't do this or is found to have lied about where they are etc?

I'm ambivalent about checking the phone. But if you do intend to keep doing that, then telling her you're going to is a big tactical error. Because there'll never be anything useful on there again, so you'll have completely killed the reason for doing it.

On top of which (as my 16yo daughter observes) there are plenty of messaging apps that you can't get into without a password or thumbprint, and plenty of others that will delete a message once it's been read.

In other words, if she knows you check her phone, it's very easy to make checking pointless.

could she check in with you every half hour by text until they get into the relative safety of the event

An awful lot can happen in half an hour. Just remember the Maddie McCann case.

I would be wondering what she's doing in the park that means she needs to be lying to you! Absolutely within your rights to check her phone. I would be suspicious. I expect they're drinking/ smoking weed.

I think she’s trying to save face. Don’t underestimate the power of peer pressure at that age. She probably knows you will drop her off at 7 but this way 1) friends will still come (and not exclude her) and 2) they can all sympathise with her about what a buzzkill mum you are when you drop them at 7 as you will clearly get blamed. I’d take one for the team if I were you!

[quote Skysblue]@MyDcAreMarvel it depends where you live. Where I grew up (London), a group of 13 yr old girls walking alone at 6.30pm for twenty minutes at dusk would almost certainly get harassed by creepy older men, who would probably be drunk and/or trying to sell drugs.

Actually I now live in a quiet rural village with v v low crime, but I still don’t walk alone to the village centre after dark. Too many creepy drunk men. DH got hassled by a drunk on way home from work recently.[/quote]
So you wouldn’t walk in your village alone at eg 4.30 - 5pm on a December evening?

What do you think is going to happen?

[quote Teateaandmoretea]@MrsMcGarry SHE IS 13 not 19.

There is an enormous difference. If you let your child do what she wanted from then and she turned out okay that is pure luck.[/quote]
Whoa, what?

So, if someone brings up a kid to successful adulthood in a way that you think is mistaken, they get no credit for doing a good job, because they were just lucky? In other words, one might reasonably have expected it all to go horribly wrong, though through sheer good fortune, it all seems, rather inexplicably, to have turned out alright?

How would you feel if I were to say that, given what you've said about bringing up children, I'd consider you very fortunate if your kids managed to make their way in life having been through what you considered parenting?

How do your teens get home from school in the winter, all those who are appalled at the idea of a group of 13 year olds out after dark?

Haven't RTFT sorry, and have no advice, but when I was 13 going to the park meant getting pissed on White Lightning and smoking weed.

It might be different now mind, but the parents of the kids who were "so well behaved" and "my Sophie would never do that" had no idea that in half an hour they were chugging back the cider and smoking as much as possible before they had to leave.

Not helpful I know, but honestly that's what we did.

@ProfessionalWeirdo

could she check in with you every half hour by text until they get into the relative safety of the event

An awful lot can happen in half an hour. Just remember the Maddie McCann case.

Maddie was 3 and wilfully neglected by her parents in a foreign hotel, not 13 with a group of friends in the local park. That’s a bit of a stretch.

OP, I was pretty much like your DD when I was 13, if not worse. My mum went through my phone all the time and cracked down on me HARD for a lot less than your DD has done, so I just learnt to tell absolutely bulletproof lies for the bigger stuff. I’m very lucky that I came to no harm, and that I’ve grown up to be perfectly normal and very grateful that my mum cared so much, as you seem to. However, I wouldn’t be as harsh as she was because I know that a 13 year old who has a plan in their head will just find a way to do it anyway. I’d maybe ask to do a spot check of her phone so you can ‘find’ the message and then have a chat about it. Then you don’t have to admit you snooped, and you can ask what’s so important about the park.

@DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping

How do your teens get home from school in the winter, all those who are appalled at the idea of a group of 13 year olds out after dark?

Not through an unlit wooded area at 7pm that's for sure. She walks home, along the lit paths. At a busy time for those paths. Guides starts at 7 and I give her a lift once it starts getting dark

@MrsMcGarry

Oh boy. Reading this sort of thing and the overreaction by so many of you makes me realise why my 19yo daughter says her friends all thought I was a great parent.

If you want your daughter to grow up to be secretive and think you aren’t on her side, yeah, ground her and keep checking her phone. She’ll just find ways to do all the things against your “rules” in ever more dangerous ways.

Or you could realise that it’s really important to her to make her own decisions about going to a wooded area with her friends and be honest about the fact it makes you nervous, so could she check in with you every half hour by text until they get into the relative safety of the event .

You can’t control kids once they get to be teenagers. You need to teach them to be able to control themselves

This is about right. The stuff I was doing at 13 and my parents were controlling and I still did it

Being too liberal just means not being a parent. They are 13, and whilst it is normal to push for more, it doesn’t mean they get it! So your instincts are right. Plenty of time to do what they want, maturity should come first and doesn’t come from being silly and lying.

Tbh on a school night, unless the event was related to a hobby activity if it were my child they would not be going.

You don’t have to be a cool parent and try and be your teen’s mate. Teens have zero respect for that.

What they actually respect are boundaries and integrity, even if they don’t show their appreciation in the moment.

If you feel it is unsafe, explain to her why and stick to it. It is your judgment to make as an adult and her parent.

Also, impose the biggest sanctions for deceit. So, if she sneaks there, she gets a major grounding and lack of screens.

Schools manage teens in this way, and you should see what your average teen says about teachers who try to be ‘cool’.

@HarlanPepper

I have a 14 year old and a 11 year old. I wouldn't check either of their phone messages without telling them I was going to, and I would only check them in any event if I had some sort of serious concern about something. I'm not saying that's right, but I am surprised that I seem to be in a minority on this.

I’m inclined to agree @HarlanPepper I have a 14.5 year old dd and I don’t check her phone. I do insist it’s handed over sometimes (for example when I put screen restrictions back on after they’ve been taken off after a sleepover) but I wouldn’t read her messages. But she is sensible, she doesn’t and wouldn’t want to hang out in parks, most of her socialising is in the daytime or at friends’ houses. I always know where she is and there haven’t been any incidents of her lying or being sneaky (yet!). I do feel they should have a bit of privacy

I'd ask her what is going to be happening in the park and base my decision on that. Hopefully with a calm approach she'll be truthful.

@liveforsummer

Another here suspicious as to what the plans were at the park. Not many 13 year olds I know go there to have a go on the swings?

There aren't even any swings - it's a wooded area with a pond not a play park. Both suspicious and unsafe in the dark!

Bloody hell, my dd would be scared in a dark wood and so would her friends! I never wanted to hang out in parks either as a teen, maybe I was very boring!

Do teenagers still go to parks to get drunk? Because that’s what I’d suspect given she’ll only be there half an hour before her event starts.

Instead of punishing her for being an age appropriate teen, why don't you talk to her about safety and as a parent you want her to be safe and why you are dropping her there? Instead of barging in with punishments where she is only behaving as a teenager. That's what they do, they push and they sometimes lie due to peer pressure and they don't always get it right because they are learning and growing. That's not being a 'cool parent, that's keeping boundaries but keeping communication lines open.

If you come down too hard , she will find bigger stuff to push back with.

@Seasonschange

Do teenagers still go to parks to get drunk? Because that’s what I’d suspect given she’ll only be there half an hour before her event starts.

I agree with this.