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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 20/10/2021 20:05

If you don't want him to be changed into pull-ups, don't put them in his bag. I know you said the point was the lie, but it's not like they told him he was adopted. They said there were no nappies in the bag. Not a huge betrayal.

It sounds like you put both in the bag to give him a choice, but nursery workers have to clean and change 20 or more children every day, some more than once. They don't have time to wait while a toddler umms and ahhs about what he would prefer covering his bum for the next two hours.

Don't bother the nursery with this. Just don't include pull-ups in the bag. Make it simple.

ArianaDumbledore · 20/10/2021 20:05

My SIL is 44 and she didn't go to playschool as she was not toilet trained. She was well over 4 before she was anywhere reliable. No SEN. No disposable nappies.

I'm the same age and I still remember the name of the boy and the girl who used to poo their pants all the time when I started school!

NigellaSeed · 20/10/2021 20:10

Sounds like nursery used a clever trick to get him into pull ups. They didn't force him or upset him, sounds like a white lie to get the job done.

Have you never told a child a white lie? E.g That was the last one, all gone. (Put treat bag in cupboard)

Tigger1895 · 20/10/2021 20:18

So the child wore the pull up with no issue but you have an issue with him wearing the pull up? If a little white lie got the child to move on then maybe you need to re-evaluate as it sounds like you pander for an easy life.

tiffanyshoes · 20/10/2021 20:18

Pull ups ARE nappies with a different waistband

He either wears nappies or doesnt

MrsBournville · 20/10/2021 20:20

You are being pathetic

tiffanyshoes · 20/10/2021 20:22

He is three. Time to move onto underwear and ditch the nappies/pull ups. Whatever you want to call them

Pack a dozen pairs of pants and tell nursery youre potty training

It will be traumatic but it will pass

ThirdElephant · 20/10/2021 20:23

@MrsBournville

You are being pathetic
You are being unnecessarily harsh.
ADreadedSunnyDay · 20/10/2021 20:28

I think we do a real disservice to kids pushing for them to be potty trained before they are ready. My DS was just shy of 3 but some of my friends pushed their kids to be potty trained earlier and guess what - one used to hide the fact she was weeing by hiding and weeing around the house, the other withheld pooing (and this went on a long time).

ThirdElephant · 20/10/2021 20:40

@ADreadedSunnyDay

I think we do a real disservice to kids pushing for them to be potty trained before they are ready. My DS was just shy of 3 but some of my friends pushed their kids to be potty trained earlier and guess what - one used to hide the fact she was weeing by hiding and weeing around the house, the other withheld pooing (and this went on a long time).
I think we do a real disservice to kids by filling the world they'll inherit from us with disposable nappies.
MelKarnofskyCrane · 20/10/2021 20:46

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer

My daughter was like this. Stubborn little madam (still is at the grand old age of 7). Refused to entertain potty training. Completely understood what she was supposed to do. Simply chose not to.

I remember when she was 3 I put her in pants and said to my husband this is it. We aren’t going back to nappies. Four hours later she was desperately holding her wee and it felt so cruel that I put a pull up on her which she flooded immediately.

I was a mess over it. Could not see a way forward with it at all. I’d have done ANYTHING to help her, whether it involved lying or not. The nursery tried to help too but we were just getting nowhere.

And then one day my friend came to visit with her daughter (who was 6 at the time). Six year old at one point went off to the toilet. As soon as she left, my daughter took off her nappy and never looked back. Dry immediately day and night.

Little toad.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/10/2021 21:07

Wow

HiJenny35 · 20/10/2021 21:27

Listen, I run a playgroup, also a sen teacher who has worked for years on getting older children toilet trained. All kids (except in some sen cases) get it when they get it, nearly all by 3 and a half, some are later, some are early, some their parents pretend to themselves that their kid is toilet trained at 20 weeks because they are in knickers and the kid just goes in their clothes constantly. Pull ups are not the devil, they work great for some kids, if your child is holding in wee and getting upset he's not ready, do not force this or "tell him half term you will have no more nappies" some kids love pulls ups because they panic that they will go and not make it to the potty or toilet and hold it in, pull ups for some mean this stress is removed and you simply make lots of attempts to go on the toilet throughout the day and when you do catch one respond with lots of praise and if its in the pull up well it's not the end of the world. Lots of kids are happy to go into big pants (especially if they get to select what pictures are on them) but some absolutely hate this, it's too much, the fear of feeling wet clothes against the skin is hated, these kids sometimes do better just to stay at home and go bottomless for a few days, some kids hate the potty and are scared of it and prefer to go straight to a step and small insert seat on the big toilet, this can work really well as it's 2 stages in one as such as you don't need to reteach for the toilet and you don't need to carry a potty with you when you go out (just a travel folding toilet seat that makes the hole smaller on a normal toilet). Some kids love the idea of being like "daddy" or like a "big brother" and using the big toilet, some work with rewards either immediate reward some are able to do x times before a reward. Lots of children don't like it if their friends have big boy pants but they are still in nappies. I knew one mum who just couldn't crack it, in the end she let him sit on the potty naked watching TV, when he finally went she used this as her excuse to make a great big fuss about how clever he was, after this he wanted to use it all the time. All kids are different, and anyone on here saying this way works is talking utter rubbish because it only worked for them. Books work for some, so you have something to follow, personally I hate the book mentioned but that's just me. Your child will be toilet trained over the next year, when he is ready, there's no point making it a horrible experience for all.
No one asks you what age your child was when they were toilet trained, (apart from if you are the sort of person who needs to come on mumsnet to try and make yourself feel better and others feel bad) you'll never mention it again after this year.
As for nursery, maybe it was a lie, maybe they just grabbed whatever, maybe they thought they were being helpful as you obviously wanted him to wear them if they were sent in, don't think that's the issue, I think you are just feeling worried about the whole potty training issue and honestly it's not worry, he's perfectly normal.

Northernlassie1974 · 20/10/2021 21:39

@pantjog

I agree with you OP. You shouldn't lie to children. The nursery shouldn't be doing this. (I withdrew my daughter from a playgroup where they spouted BS like "The ball park is tired" when they didn't want the children to go in it.) It's not on. What if your son had seen the regular nappy in the bag? Then he knows they've lied to him. That's a very strange and unsettling concept for a small child.
Pa ha ha ha 😂
nitsandwormsdodger · 20/10/2021 22:13

What!!??
Your son is in the pants you want him to be in
Your son is happy and chilled
Yet you want to complain because they either were mistaken or in a rush and told a teeny tiny fib to prevent any drama

Omg you are going to be a giant pain in the arse when he starts school

??My DD wears pull up style nappies and it has nothing to do with Potty
training as he is only 2

mussymummy · 20/10/2021 22:31

This is your issue not your sons. You confused matters by sending pull ups and nappies then get pissy when he is wearing pull ups??? Have a word with yourself. Is there more deep routed issues to this with yourself that you want him to stay a baby hence why you are annoyed at the nursery using the pullups you provided?

saraclara · 20/10/2021 22:41

@Spottybotty20

My daughter was in a dirty vest (dinner stains) when I picked her up from my Mums today. I said look at the state of her and my mum said “you didn’t put a clean vest in the bag for her so sorry” - in an annoying way.

I then reached into the bag and pulled out 2 clean vests.

While it’s really annoying to be made to feel like a crap mum who can’t pack a bag properly. I’m not assuming my mum is a liar, she just didn’t look hard enough or couldn’t be bothered. It’s not done my daughter any harm like a pull-up hasn’t. I’m not sure why you’d assume lying instead of mistaken

I said look at the state of her

I bet it's annoying to be made to feel like a crap grandmother because you didn't change a vest that had dinner stains on, when you've been providing childcare.

Jackx80 · 20/10/2021 22:48

I would take it as a hint that he is ok in pull ups and encourage the potty and send in pull ups and ask the nursery to try him on the potty.

Spottybotty20 · 20/10/2021 23:25

@saraclara tone is difficult to convey in a written message. It was more of a “look at the state of her, she’s clearly enjoyed her dinner 😂” than a put down.

I was just being brief to make a point that there’s no need to assume the worst in situation. Ironic really …

H0neylove · 20/10/2021 23:29

Are people really this pedantic Hmm

Yourcatisnotsorry · 21/10/2021 00:10

How reliable is a 3 year old at remembering the nuance of a conversation though?
3 is fine to still be in nappies. The world won’t end. My kids were toilet trained at just turned 2 and just turned 4. They are all individuals and so different. Follow your child not other people’s (usually misremembered) ideas of appropriate timescales on social media.

nannykatherine · 21/10/2021 00:45

Firstly
How do you know that is what was said to him ..
?
A 3 year old doesn’t always understand what is going on ..
Second as a Nanny of many years
Pull-ups are a marketing gimmick and not needed
When your child is ready go straight to underwear
Talk to nursery to plan you strategy of getting to this point and how they will support you in training him ..
Good luck

Touchmybum · 21/10/2021 00:58

I had a nightmare toilet training all three of mine!!! Youngest was still wearing pull-ups at night when he was 9!! He was content to wee in them and still keep them on! No SN either, just lazy and distracted! Perfectly normal 18 year old now. They all do get it in the end. Some extremely rude people on this thread!!

Harmonypuss · 21/10/2021 03:14

When I saw the title of this thread I was hoping it would be an enlightened parent who didn't nt want their nursery to lie to their child about Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc, imagine my disappointment when it was about something so insignificant as the difference between nappies and pull-ups for a 3yr old.

My kids are now grown adults and I NEVER lied to them about the existence of Santa, etc, they learned from a very young age that it was me that bought everything they received at ANY time throughout the year and it did neither of them any harm whatsoever. I did this because my mother told me that these things existed and when I discovered the truth just before I was 7, I argued with her about it and hated her for it (amongst many other things) for years. I wasn't going to risk that with my children.

ThirdElephant · 21/10/2021 03:41

@Harmonypuss

When I saw the title of this thread I was hoping it would be an enlightened parent who didn't nt want their nursery to lie to their child about Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc, imagine my disappointment when it was about something so insignificant as the difference between nappies and pull-ups for a 3yr old.

My kids are now grown adults and I NEVER lied to them about the existence of Santa, etc, they learned from a very young age that it was me that bought everything they received at ANY time throughout the year and it did neither of them any harm whatsoever. I did this because my mother told me that these things existed and when I discovered the truth just before I was 7, I argued with her about it and hated her for it (amongst many other things) for years. I wasn't going to risk that with my children.

Fabulous non-sequitur, well done! There is an existence-of-Santa thread ongoing at the moment if you particularly feel the need to rant about the man in red.