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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
Princesspickle777 · 19/10/2021 00:18

I’m with the first poster too. You’re being a bit precious.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/10/2021 00:19

Pull ups are mostly a marketing gimmick to encourage later potty training. they feel like and do the exact same thing as a nappy and don't really help with potty training.

The only thing I've ever found them useful for is when a child is not yet reliably dry at night but needs to be able to pull down the pull up by themselves if they wake up in the night or first thing in the morning and want to go to the loo.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/10/2021 00:23

Also if you put one in his bag yabu to be bothered by the nursery putting him in it. He's 3 years old, most of his peers will be in pants, it's not a big deal to put him in a pull up rather than a nappy.

Chloemol · 19/10/2021 00:27

Whilst you shouldn’t lie how do you know that they didn’t just pull out the pull ups and assumed that’s what everything was? Especially as he should be in pull ups now

Now he has started just get rid of the nappies and then you can tell him there are only pull ups

toomuchlaundry · 19/10/2021 00:29

To be able to recall that they said that there were only pull ups in the bag is quite impressive!

Heartofglass12345 · 19/10/2021 00:30

Do you have any idea how long he can go without weeing? My son was just past 3 when we trained him and we were going to follow his lead as my eldest really struggled with it (turns out he is autistic)
He started nursery for 3 hours a day a couple of times a week and they routinely changed them before they were due to be picked up, and they mentioned a few times that he had still been dry.
We started by getting him to go to the toilet every 3-4 hours and he would go, but it took him about another 2 months before he would actually say he needed to go or go by himself.
Just wondering if that would be an option for you if he doesn't mind using the toilet and can go a couple of hours without having an accident.

Motherland101 · 19/10/2021 00:32

What am I missing here? Pull-ups are nappies but just with an elasticated waist band rather than tape. My son used it from 5 months onwards as it was so much more convenient but in the end I didn't think it had any bearing on his potty training. (?!)

StoppinBy · 19/10/2021 00:39

My eldest (girl) was late out of nappies like your son, then one day she asked about wearing undies to bed and I let her, she only ever had a few accidents at night but took another 6 months until she was out of day nappies.

They do it when they are ready.

That being said, I would have been glad if someone else would have got her out of nappies earlier like your daycare are doing.

Your child will be fine, just send in the pull ups instead of nappies as it sounds like he wasn't that upset about not wearing nappies.

Tee20x · 19/10/2021 00:43

I don't understand the problem could someone explain

5zeds · 19/10/2021 00:49

Are pull-ups a step towards potty training???Hmm

Seriously they’re nappies and it makes no difference if he wears them or anything else.
I’d be more concerned that nursery are so gormless they think this is moving things forwardShock

Notimeforaname · 19/10/2021 00:53

Yes a little precious re staff 'lying' .

I have worked in nurseries before and it can be quite damaging to the back lifting 3 year olds up and down off changing tables. It's easier and less time consuming on the staff who have many children to care for if in pull ups as a back up to using the toilet.

At 3 he should be at least using pull ups and trying to use the toilet regularly, in case.
I would guess this is what the staff are doing so he can practice pulling them up and down.

It's true boys tend to take much longer. It's not weird or uncommon for a 3 year old to not be potty trained I wouldn't worry about that.

He will do it in his own time but it's definitely time to move away from regular nappies.

CrazyOldBagLady · 19/10/2021 00:56

I also think you can't assume the nursery teacher clocked the two different types of nappy in the bag. Give them the benefit of the doubt, they don't have time to spend too much of it worrying if little Johnny prefers one type of perfectly fine nappy over another type of perfectly fine nappy.

I would really recommend the Oh Crap training method by the way, it was easy to follow and worked a treat for us.

melj1213 · 19/10/2021 00:57

Biscuit You would be VVVVVV unreasonable to complain that the nursery lied to your child about a pull up over a nappy when you only have your 3yos version of events.

For all you know the nursery worker just saw the pull up on top of the bag and assumed you had only put pull ups in because they were in the middle of changing your son and weren't about to go rummaging in the bag "just in case". Idek why you would give him a choice - clearly if its pull ups or nothing he is fine with a pull up, so why give him a choice of a nappy? Just stop using them and if he asks then there are no more nappies, just pull ups.

Also, why were you even asking him if he asked for a pull up vs a nappy, if you want him to transition to pull ups then you should be working on praising the wearing of it and just making it positive, not questioning him about it.

Sherrystrull · 19/10/2021 00:58

I don't think they lied. Probably just didn't see as were busy. No big deal.

RussianSpy101 · 19/10/2021 01:05

YABU.
Pull ups are not a step closer to potty training either, they’re still a nappy.
You provided the pull ups and stated you wish for your son to wear them, but want to complain that nursery have put him one on?

melj1213 · 19/10/2021 01:07

Are pull-ups a step towards potty training???

They're not specifically a step towards potty training, but they allow the child a bit more independence.

Because they can get them on/off by themselves, as opposed to nappies where they might be able to get them off but can't put them on independently, it means it gets them used to the idea of underwear.

In the early days when they might not be ready to be without the protection of a nappy using a pull up means you can get them used to pulling "underwear" up/down and you can take them to the toilet regularly and let them get used to the idea without also having to constantly mess around with nappies every time they sit on the potty/toilet.

Later on they can still be useful for children who are dry during the day but may not be reliably dry overnight, so they have the added protection "just in case" but the child can get the pull up off independently if they wake in the night/early morning and take themselves to the toilet.

MerceyMead · 19/10/2021 01:09

Hey OP. I work in a nursery and when you’re changing 10-15 children you just grab the bag that belongs to that child and pull out whatever is nearest the top. Your ds was obviously happy to be in it when he was in the nursery so they probably didn’t give it a second thought also you probably should have just stopped after praising him for being it rather than question why he was wearing it.
Pull ups are convenient but don’t help most children with potty training, you would be better off just sending a ton of pants with him to nursery because although he found it difficult at home that may not be the case in the nursery. Children act a lot differently when they are away from their parents and he may surprise you.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2021 01:12

I'd assume a mistake before I assume a lie tbh.

By three you need to be moving forwards with potty training tbh (sen excepted).

Summerfun54321 · 19/10/2021 01:19

He isn’t going to teach himself to use the potty, he needs adults to guide him and tell him what to do. It’s the same as reading and writing with children: adults take the lead. I wouldn’t overthink pull ups or nappies, neither teach your child how to use the potty, they’re both nappies.

unvillage · 19/10/2021 01:41

Do the nursery staff actually know that you send both pullups and nappies for precious to choose from? Staff genuinely don't have time when changing nappies to have a conversation about whether it's a nappy or a pullup - they both accomplish the same thing. Many children wear pullups when they're not ready or able to use the toilet, some parents prefer them to nappies or use them as a way to transition to potty training - the staff have no way of knowing that you're different. Please communicate with your nursery and don't put pullups in the bag if you don't want them to be used.

PurpleOkapi · 19/10/2021 01:41

@pantjog

Oh, and also it's not down to the nursery staff to decide when your son is ready for potty training. That's up to you. My son was over 3 when he was potty trained... but he did it almost immediately, had almost no accidents and was dry at night from the start.
Past a certain age, that's not really true. 3 is pushing it. I don't know many nurseries that would happily accept nappy-dependent 4- or 5-year-olds unless there's some medical issue.
Marchitectmummy · 19/10/2021 02:27

In the nicest possible way you are babying your son. Be happy that the nursery are dealing with his delay in potty training and coming out of nappies, 3 is very late to be in nappies. Adding nappies into the bag is a confusion just pull ups and hopefully quickly to toilet trained from here.

mountbattenbergcake · 19/10/2021 02:39

It sounds like you’re annoyed that their approach is working.

november90 · 19/10/2021 02:45

I think that nursery have helped make some progress so personally I would concentrate on that.
It doesn't feel nice that they weren't honest with your son, but, imagine how crazy busy a nursery is... there's probably more to the "lie" like for example they didn't see the nappy or perhaps it was worded differently to how your son remembered it.
I would just try and move on OP and now your son has worn a pull up concentrate on that.

TheChiefJo · 19/10/2021 02:54

They probably did empty the bag out. YABU.

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