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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
Thissucksmonkeynuts · 19/10/2021 08:20

My ds isn't SEN and came out of nappies/pull ups at 4y6m.
He also wore nappies until 4 because they fit him better and it was less stressful change and left me with less laundry to do. His nursery were fine with this and happy to support his individual rate of development.
Dd was out of nappies in the day at 20mths and isn't quite dry at night at nearly 8yo.
It takes all sorts OP, and children get there at their own speed. If nappies are yours and your ds preference, then tell nursery that's what he should be wearing.

MerryMarigold · 19/10/2021 08:25

Some people are more used to lying than others. My boss lies ask the time, big ones, small ones. It's the way she is. I personally never lie to the kids because I don't lie to anyone but you will never ever find a nursery that is full of completely full of staff who never lie. Where I work now I'd say it's 50:50 and this is good! Even amongst my friends I'm shocked how many lie really quite frequently, including phoning school to say their child is ill when they're going on holiday. So yes, OP, I'd let it go. You will find it continues all their lives and all you can do is be honest with them yourself.

Hesma · 19/10/2021 08:30

So he knows Santa doesn’t exist and you won’t be doing the tooth fairy either?

Get over yourself… you are being totally ridiculous

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/10/2021 08:50

I have seen your update..

Yes be clear when it is half term you will be in pants... Take him shopping some charcter pants..

I got my Ds practising sitting on the potty when running his bath i had a wee on the toilet and he had a sit on the potty and a try.

Have the potty around at home. Leve him in just pants and top .

Sit him on potty /toilet and read stories ..

Give a limited choice. Do you want to use the toilet or potty?

Do you want to wear the red or blue pants ?

pull ups make very little difference. they are a good back up for soft play when in early stages of potty training but generally they feel like a nappy so are happy to wee in them.

Livelovebehappy · 19/10/2021 08:52

Simple resolution for this not happening again is to send just normal nappies and not pull ups, that way the nursery doesn't have to second guess which one they should use. You need to really knuckle down with the potty training - presumably he has school next year, and it won’t be good for him to not be toilet trained by then.

mycatisannoying · 19/10/2021 08:55

Totally precious. YABU.

Twillow · 19/10/2021 09:05

But you said you send in pull-ups and nappies? Does it matter? Wouldn't you rather he was a step forward?
Have you never jollied your child on with a breezy comment - think "Oh your red trousers that you're worryingly obsessed with are in the wash today"? It's not really lying, in the sense of being unkind.

MyCatHatesWhiskas · 19/10/2021 09:06

OP, he’ll be ready when he’s ready - but you may have to/want to force the pace.

My DC1 is a late August born and we trained him in the November after he turned 3. He was very resistant to potty training before (and rejected pull-ups) but a health related reason meant we needed to train to eliminate a potential cause of a medical issue (long story). So we left it a few weeks and then announced we were going to try without nappies. He was trained within a week or so. He was ready, he just struggles with transitions. He needed us to take charge rather than be child-led.

Your DS may well be different. But they can surprise you. Ask nursery to give you a steer on whether they think he’s ready to try again. They should be working with you.

EasterIssland · 19/10/2021 09:13

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.
award for the mum of the century goes to @Sleepinghyena! please let us know your address so we can send you the prize

As others have said how is your so helpful comment going to help the OP? Or were you trying to shame her for not being as amazing as you?

KevinTheKoala · 19/10/2021 09:24

My daughter wasn't potty trained until she was 3.5 no SEN just stubborn, we tried multiple times, we got advise from HV and from the ERIC website, she simply was not ready until all of a sudden she was and it took 3 days. Not all children are ready when they are 'supposed to be', alot of children are but is it really so impossible to realise that some children don't fit the mould. It also depends on what people class as toilet trained - I knew someone who would constantly go on about her 2 year old being toilet trained - he was out of nappies but had multiple accidents each day until he was 4.

TataMamma · 19/10/2021 09:29

I wouldn't personally describe this as "lying". It's no different from saying that Father Christmas will be coming soon, or there's no pudding left, but if he's hungry then there's fruit, assuming that's not the case. I think lying is too strong a word to use.

Kb2942 · 19/10/2021 09:30

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.
Mother fo the year awards goes to you 😅 most children are not potty trained by 26 months and some grasp it easier than others.

Mil used to tell me that Dp was potty trained at 18 months. Whereas mine were 3+, she used to turn her nose up 😏

KevinTheKoala · 19/10/2021 09:31

But I wouldn't have an issue with what the nursery did, it's very possible that they were just busy and didn't realise there were two types of nappies in the bag or even just grabbed the first one and didn't have time to go back and swap them. It's not a harmful lie even if it was intentional (which it might not have been).

hooplahool · 19/10/2021 09:34

I agree with you about the lying, OP, it is unnecessary, it would be better that they said that they wanted him to wear pullups. However, it is possible it was a mistake and not a lie. If it was a lie and that is how they operate you asking them not to lie will not make a difference and I would be worried about my dc staying in that setting if you were sure they were lying.

Back to the pullups, I would probably talk to dc and say that there was in fact a nappy in the bag and you aren't sure why the nursery said that or if they made a mistake but it seems that the nursery want him to wear pull ups, as it seems they do so that you are being honest and clear and direct with him.

You could talk to the nursery and tell them your strategy of hoping your ds will copy others and ask them to encourage this, but ask them to keep him in nappies. It is likely to be easier for them if he wears pull ups and that might be a factor.

My dc went straight from nappies to using a toilet/potty, incidentally. No pullups other than at night. Pullups are not a necessary stage.

Crinkle77 · 19/10/2021 09:42

Or perhaps what your son said never even happened. Kids make stuff up all the time. My niece told her nursery that daddy hit her with a hammer and my nephew said that granny is mean to him. All rubbish and not deliberate but kids do make stuff up.

fastandthecurious · 19/10/2021 09:48

This is definitely going to be the tread that makes me flounce off Mumsnet 😂
DS is 3 (literally just turned 2 weeks ago) and is still in pull-ups. He isn't ready to use the toilet, he will sit but won't pee. So many people on this thread having dogs about 'trying harder to potty train' you can't force a child to urinate or poo if they don't want to, neither does it mean they have additional needs.

Whoami4 · 19/10/2021 09:58

That is a bit different through isn’t it? This is about pull ups and nappies not the staff not being bothered to play with the children and lying about it. If your a parent you obviously must know we have to tell little white lies to our children, eg - we don’t have nappies anymore so you need to start wearing the pull ups because you are big now. From what I can see all’s the nursery is trying to do is encourage him to start potty training and it worked he wore the pull up with no fuss. The op said up until now the potty training has been traumatic but as I said they seemed to have got him to move to pull ups so it worked.

Giving your children 2 options all the time isn’t really the best thing because if he doesn’t want to move out of nappies but he is ready to start being toilet trained of course if you are giving both options he will never leave the nappies, it doesn’t make you a bad parent either to not give the options of both, with these things we just have to go all in.

I have 2 kids a girl and a boy and my son has just turned 4, he started nursery at 3 and he wasn’t 100% ready to be potty trained but he had to be for nursery,he didn’t want to leave nappies either. I stopped buying nappies completely and just got the pull ups so he had no option, went all in in the 6 weeks holidays and left the pull ups and by the end of the 6 weeks holiday he was fully potty trained. It’s all about perseverance children younger are potty trained and we have to just do it otherwise we will feel they are never 100% ready we have to start somewhere.

toocold54 · 19/10/2021 10:01

Keep a weekend free and go straight to undies and stay at home. I never used pull ups on my children, out of nappies and straight to knickers/undies. Yes, there will be accidents and mopping up to do but at age 3 it will be more or less mastered within a few days.

I agree!
I found the pull ups didn’t help at all and so I brought my DD some big girl knickers and during the holidays did the switch (apart from during the night at first). It was honestly the best thing I ever did. There were a few accidents and the potty had to be close by but I had tried for months with no luck and then she was potty trained within a few days. She has never had an accident every since.

Rainbowsandstorms · 19/10/2021 10:02

I’ve seen lots of posters criticising your son still being in nappies at age three. Both of my children were past their third birthday when they potty trained. I was very much so child led with it and they both took to it when they were ready with minimal fuss and barely any accidents. Don’t be pressured to potty train before your son is ready. I wouldn’t however worry about the pull up situation.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2021 10:09

People are leaving DC much later with potty training.
3 year old in nappies isn't unusual.
Parents are amazed by how quickly they get it, at 3 they're eating, drinking, changing shoes, recognising your ready to pee isn't hard for NT DC.
Buy a 10 pack of underwear he'll get it in 2 days.

toomuchlaundry · 19/10/2021 10:09

Potty training only really relates to day time. Night time dryness is mainly down to hormones

Lotusmonster · 19/10/2021 10:10

Seen update. Why did he hold his wee all day OP? I bet that was traumatic. Is it because he wouldn’t go unless he was wearing a nappy?

Steelesauce · 19/10/2021 10:11

A pull up is a nappy. You seem to be dramatising the whole potty training situation.

Rosebel · 19/10/2021 10:13

Does it matter? You shouldn't have sent in pull ups if you didn't want him wearing them. You also have no idea if the nursery lied to him or made a mistake or your son misunderstood what they said. In my experience nursery staff don't make a habit of lying to children
The absolute most I would do is say can you only put him in the pull up if he's using the toilet but I can't see why it matters.
I never bothered with pull ups though so perhaps I'm missing something.

Muchasgracias · 19/10/2021 10:16

@Lightswitch123

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
What??!! You are diagnosing SEN! Wise up!

My DS didn’t potty train until after 3yrs. When he did, he did it very quickly and was dry overnight straight away. We waited until he was ready. He was the last of his peers in nursery. Each to their own.

He is not SEN nor was that remotely on my radar back then. The OP is already worried don’t add to that.

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