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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 19/10/2021 10:18

I think if you associate pull ups with potty training that’s where your issue is tbh. You can just whip nappies off, there’s no transitioning required.
I really couldn’t get excited about this at all. But I wouldn’t have a child in nappies at 3 either (SEN/disabilities excluded).

Lovemusic33 · 19/10/2021 10:22

I think if your child is able to verbally discus this with you then he is more then ready to potty train.

My dd has SEN’s was no verbal at 3 but was in pull ups from 2, she didn’t toilet train until a few weeks before she started school despite being at nursery, using pull ups and being put on the toilet several times a day.

I don’t think nursery lying to him will effect him.

Youdoyoutoday · 19/10/2021 10:22

@MooseBreath

So he wasn't upset and he's wearing a pull up. This is not a big deal.
So this!
Meatshake · 19/10/2021 10:23

Pull ups are just a nappy with a different fastening. They're nothing to do with potty training.

The next stage on from nappies would be something like Bambino Mio or motherease big kid pants which catch some of the pee (good for first drops when rushing to the potty) but aren't a nappy.

Or waiting til summer holidays and letting him run round in the nip!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/10/2021 10:24

I have to agree with going straight into knickers/pants - much more of a hassle in cold weather though. It was easier for me because we were living in a warm climate, but they were not much over 2 (considered old enough at the time) and it took just a week both times, and girls, so maybe easier. Obviously there were accidents to mop up in the meantime, though.

I had a non Brit neighbour who’d been endlessly on at me to get dd1 trained from 12 months! - as she had with hers. Or rather, that was what she said, but in reality she’d just ditched the nappies and was endlessly cleaning up accidents instead.

Kotatsu · 19/10/2021 10:28

I think I've bought one or two packs of pullups in my 2 kids entire lives.

Both of them pretty much went from nappies straight to pants (obviously with some waffling around in the middle) DS2 at 2, DS1 just in time for school when he was 4 (and that was wees only, luckily his poo schedule was outside of school hours - very regular child!).

This idea that there's a fixed age when a kid should be in pullups and trained is weird. Of course all kids bladders mature at different times, just like they walk and talk at different times.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/10/2021 10:30

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.
My Mum said the same thing until my younger brother came along, sibling number 4 apparently wasn't so easy as us previous 3.
Luckytattie · 19/10/2021 10:34

🤣 this is such a non issue

Peanutsandchilli · 19/10/2021 10:42

Surely pull ups are easier when it comes to potty training. The nursery want to encourage him to use the toilet and he can do that in pull ups. He can't in a nappy.

EnidFrighten · 19/10/2021 10:47

I'd also say that describing one day of potty training as 'traumatic' is going a bit far. Kids need to have tough experiences, with adequate support, so they become resilient. When they get upset about something you need to help them learn how to deal with it, not back off as if they had witnessed something horrific!

I think the whole idea of 'readiness' is really about how easy it is to train a child - they used to be done a lot earlier because the parents were washing shitty terry nappies or forking out a lot of money for unreliable early disposables. Now nappies cost a couple of pence each, the tendency is to leave it until it's a complete doddle to save on cleaning up all those puddles. I'm not judging, my 2.5yo is not potty trained yet, but he would be if it cost £1 a nappy or I was still washing reusables. If DS gets upset when we start training, I'll provide reassurance and encouragement and lots of cuddles, but I won't back off and put him back in nappies.

If you leave it too long then you'll run into the three year old defiant phase when they might just rebel against potty training as part of their general testing of boundaries.

ineedsun · 19/10/2021 10:47

@Bakingwithmyboys

Thanks for the talk down.

It was actually my sister, an ex nursery worker who suggested emailing.

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer.

We left it a little and then he had the horrible virus that isn't covid that knocked him out for over a week. I'm trying to take his lead.

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy. We didn't use the pull ups when little so he has linked the two together.

He's not SEN, just bloody stubborn. But hey, half terms coming up so we can try again.

Please don’t say ‘he’s not SEN’ because no child is SEN, they may have SEND but that isn’t who or what they are.
Crunchymum · 19/10/2021 10:55

He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies

Maybe they are doing you a favour then, getting him into pull-ups?

I had told about 8 little half truths / white lies by the time we left for the school run this morning ("yes I will let you wear the wellies tomorrow" / "no we aren't allowed to have Shreddies for snack time" / "Yes I'll do eggs for breakfast tomorrow")

I don't think a half truth to get him into a pull-up is a massive deal.

Crunchymum · 19/10/2021 10:56

And yes children aren't SEN, they have SEN.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2021 10:58

Realistically potty training should be encouraged from a younger age, the majority would be capable of training before 3.
A lot of the times it's convenient not encouraged and child led therefore it rarely happens until they see other DC doing it around 3.
The impact of disposal nappies is a disaster.

Viviennemary · 19/10/2021 10:58

If he is over three then he should be out of nappies unless there is a good reason he isn't. So the nursery is just trying to move him on.

Offmyfence · 19/10/2021 10:59

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.
The most helpful comment, the OP must be so grateful for this contribution.
EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2021 11:01

He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.
Take the plunge and dump the nappies.
Buy special big boy pants.

Hidehi4 · 19/10/2021 11:36

Did your son ask the worker who was changing his nappy why they were putting a pull up on and not a nappy? Seems a bit weird if he did

JanetheObscure · 19/10/2021 11:43

OP, surely the real point here is that your DS wore pull ups without a fuss Smile. Whatever other posters have said, for some DCs that is a definite step on the path towards successful potty training.

Nodancingshoes · 19/10/2021 12:10

In my experience pull ups make the whole potty training process harder and more long winded. Go straight to pants. I really couldnt get worked up about the 'lying' issue...if he wasnt upset then there is no issue surely ??

rainbowstardrops · 19/10/2021 13:34

I think that half term is a great time to try to get on top of the potty training.
I remember doing this with my two, I literally stayed in all week and they just had pants on and close to the potty at all times! It was relatively painless 🙈
DD was about 3 when she managed it because she just wasn't ready before then.

hooplahool · 19/10/2021 14:04

@Crunchymum

He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies

Maybe they are doing you a favour then, getting him into pull-ups?

I had told about 8 little half truths / white lies by the time we left for the school run this morning ("yes I will let you wear the wellies tomorrow" / "no we aren't allowed to have Shreddies for snack time" / "Yes I'll do eggs for breakfast tomorrow")

I don't think a half truth to get him into a pull-up is a massive deal.

@crunchymum I am really surprised about this, genuinely. My dc would remember what I'd said and then want to have long negotiations about why they weren't wearing wellies the next day, why they weren't getting eggs the next day. And they would also start telling porkies themselves saying I do it so they can too. I say how it is going to be, ie when I have to make a decision, and say sorry if they are disappointed and explain why, or if I am not sure or want to divert a negotiation I say "maybe".

Do you not think you are creating a rod for your own back here, when teaching your dc about truth later on and would it not annoy you if you had no idea when talking to someone whether they were telling you the truth or making up a half truth? (genuine questions!)

Maryann1975 · 19/10/2021 14:05

I read the title and was all set to come on to say yadnbu, of course nursery should not be lying. Then I read the thread and you get the biggest eye roll of the day.

If you don’t want your child to wear pull ups, don’t send them. Honestly, do you think staff have enough time to faff about with this kind of thing? Your child was clean, dry and happy, wearing something you provided.

Pull ups are a convenience, but I don’t really find they help potty training. They help parents (And childcarers) as there is less chance Of an accident at a tricky point (Eg in the car, out for a walk, in the supermarket), but I don’t think they help children become dry any faster.

Beautiful3 · 19/10/2021 14:28

I agree with them, he is ready by age 3 without any disabilities. Spend the weekend with him in his pants near a potty and stay home. He will get it and feel proud of himself.

Crunchymum · 19/10/2021 14:46

They weren't actual real examples @hooplahool I am just merely saying that I have the demands of 3 kids to meet every morning and sometimes I have to find ways to pacify little people to get us all our of the door. It's not as if they'll never have eggs / wellies or whatever. And no my kids (8,6, 3) wouldn't have long negotiations about it or call me out on my "lies" the next day as it would be long forgotten....

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