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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:

lynntheyresexpeople · 19/10/2021 07:33

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Technosaurus · 19/10/2021 07:34

Is the OP being unreasonable about nursery "lying"? Yes, I'd say frankly ridiculous

But I think a lot of others are BU kicking her about potty training. Our son did it quite late compared to his nursery peers and we were incredibly self conscious about it at the time: it's not nice to think everyone is judging you or, it seems, even putting them in the SEN box!

Although she shouldn't be having a go at the nursery in this instance, some support and constructive advice might go a long way for the OP.

LabStan · 19/10/2021 07:34

If he is old enough to have a conversation with you about there only being pull ups in his bag...then he is old enough to be potty trained !!!

Lotusmonster · 19/10/2021 07:36

You can raise it with the staff, though I expect when they hear the story they will be very very confused.

Original poster

Bakingwithmyboys · 19/10/2021 07:37

Thanks for the talk down.

It was actually my sister, an ex nursery worker who suggested emailing.

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer.

We left it a little and then he had the horrible virus that isn't covid that knocked him out for over a week. I'm trying to take his lead.

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy. We didn't use the pull ups when little so he has linked the two together.

He's not SEN, just bloody stubborn. But hey, half terms coming up so we can try again.

OP posts:

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/10/2021 07:38

They probably didn’t just see both. A pull up is still a nappy, we switched to them at about 12m when mine refused to lie down for changes. One of them didn’t toilet train until 3 years, 3 months though so we just used pull ups as a more convenient nappy type until later. At 3 he’s old enough for pull ups and to ditch the nappy. Watching peers use the toilets will probably help too. Don’t infantilise him by making this an issue, help him to grow by using pull ups and encouraging toilet use.

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2021 07:40

My son didn't potty train until he was 4. One day he was in pull ups, the next he said he wanted big boy pants and that was him. A couple of small accidents and a bit longer to get there with poos and he was completely trained. Don't listen to posters giving you a hard time over his age. They will do it when they're ready. I had tried a couple of times before because his nursery had suggested it and each time was a disaster.

As for the 'lie' I would let that go.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 19/10/2021 07:42

Pull-ups are just a different kind of nappy. Sure, they're easier to pull up and down but they're not really a step closer to potty training in any way. DD was in pull-ups for ages before potty training just because they are easier to get on a wriggly baby sometimes. I sent both into nursery with no indication of what they should or shouldn't use because they're both just nappies.

Yes agree with this - I don’t understand the significance of a pull up vs a nappy, apart from a pull up is easier for the child to get up and down - they’re both nappies. A child coming home from nursery wearing a pull up doesn’t magically mean they’re ready to potty train, it means an adult has put a pull up on them. My son wore pull ups from about 12 months because we found them easier but he definitely wasn’t potty trained.

And I really wouldn’t take a 3 year old’s word as gospel to accuse someone of lying. 3 year olds spout a lot of nonsense.

LolaButt · 19/10/2021 07:44

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JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 07:45

YABU. A 3 year old doesn't need nappies. Pull ups aren't closer to potty training though it's just a different type of nappy. Your making something out of nothing and would make yourself look stupid to the nursery bringing it up.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 19/10/2021 07:45

@Lightswitch123

My son wasn’t potty trained until 3.5 and has no additional needs!!!

Labloverrr · 19/10/2021 07:49

YABU

You don’t know what happened, so maybe ask. And as another PP said, you’re in for a terrible time if you take what a 3 year old says as gospel.

Flev · 19/10/2021 07:49

@CharleyMarley

They didn't lie. Get a grip.

You're her up over this but not that your child isn't potty trained? How bizarre.

It's not nursery's job to train your child.

You should have been preparing him for potty training for months. Explaining that nappies are for babies, reading him a kids book aimed at this.

You should book a week off work and have him bare bottomed and sit with him all day everyday and ask explain repetitively that he needs to do pees and poos in the potty. Then reward him when he gets it.

I did with both my kids and they were dry with no accidents within 1 day and 3 days from 2nd birthday.

This doesn't always work. My DD is a few days off 3 and we are finally there, I think. But we have spent most of the last 2 months with her in "big girl pants" in the daytime but her holding her wee all day, crying in pain but terrified of using the potty or toilet - then doing a ginormous wee/poo and needing her pyjamas and bed changed shortly after bed time when we put a nappy on her. She is extremely talkative but is quite nervous and simply wasn't emotionally ready - but because some "helpful" people (not nursery, they've been very supportive) told her she was a big girl and needed to get on with it she refused her pull ups and has had weeks of pain.

The last 2 weeks something changed in her confidence levels and she will now use the potty when we suggest it - and a couple of times yesterday she told us herself that she needed it. She is so proud of herself when she succeeds, as previously when she sat on the potty reluctantly nothing came out no matter how hard she tried. If only people had let us continue working carefully with our child rather than forcing her into something too early we'd have reached the same stage without the distress. She still refuses to go near the toilet so we've got that challenge to cone, but one step at a time. She's a child, not a robot.

Phrowzunn · 19/10/2021 07:51

Hey OP, lots of people being a bit harsh with you here I think (although I might agree with them, just not their delivery!). Have a look at the book Oh Crap Potty Training, it’s really good and explains in a nice friendly way a lot of the stuff that posters are trying to say to you.

Sleepinghyena · 19/10/2021 07:56

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.

ThirdElephant · 19/10/2021 07:57

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.

Your medal is on its way.

ThirdElephant · 19/10/2021 07:59

@Phrowzunn

I would caution that this book will make you feel like you've left it horribly late and that potty training will now be a horrendous uphill struggle- it's more geared towards people training around age 2. I started training mine at 22 months (took a bloody age to finish) but as I read it I do remember thinking that it had a rather fatalistic view of training after 30 months.

Lemonsandlemonade · 19/10/2021 08:00

@Bakingwithmyboys

Thanks for the talk down.

It was actually my sister, an ex nursery worker who suggested emailing.

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer.

We left it a little and then he had the horrible virus that isn't covid that knocked him out for over a week. I'm trying to take his lead.

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy. We didn't use the pull ups when little so he has linked the two together.

He's not SEN, just bloody stubborn. But hey, half terms coming up so we can try again.

What did you do when he held his wee all day? How did you act after he was wet?

Not judging just trying to offer advice for the next time you try.

Have you tried straight onto a loo with

Have you tried potty training with pants?

There is one huge down side of pull ups. The child doesn’t know they are wet and tend like learn it’s ok to wet yourself as it keeps you dry. If I’m honest children learning that being wet is uncomfortable usually ( but not always ) does the trick. Yes there are accidents but they learn.

Lemonsandlemonade · 19/10/2021 08:01

*straight into a loo with a insert to make the loo more comfortable

BreatheAndFocus · 19/10/2021 08:01

@Bakingwithmyboys

Thanks for the talk down.

It was actually my sister, an ex nursery worker who suggested emailing.

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer.

We left it a little and then he had the horrible virus that isn't covid that knocked him out for over a week. I'm trying to take his lead.

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy. We didn't use the pull ups when little so he has linked the two together.

He's not SEN, just bloody stubborn. But hey, half terms coming up so we can try again.

That’s partly why it’s preferable to start potty training around 2yrs. Yes, as they get older, they do become more stubborn and it can become a bit of a battle. As they’re older, the whole thing can upset them more too. When they’re younger, that’s not something that happens so much at all.

I know that’s no help to you, but I hope it makes you feel better that he’s not being unusual.

I can see why you’re upset that Nursery lied, but really you should just have put the pull-ups in. Nursery is an ideal chance to make this a new starting point and get on with potty training.

I agree with a PP that the best way is real pants and no pull-ups. Get two potties - one upstairs, one down. Keep them close to where he’s playing. Use rewards or a star-chart and praise effusively. Do daytime first and treat nighttime as a second stage to do over the next weeks.

Fetchthevet · 19/10/2021 08:06

@Sleepinghyena

3 kids- all potty trained by 26 months. Not a pull up in sight.

Oh that's really helpful to the OP, isn't it?

Good old Mumsnet!

8misskitty8 · 19/10/2021 08:13

The staff member will have taken whatever was at the top. Staff don’t have time to go searching through bags just in case there is a choice of nappy or pull up. Especially since you’ve said he uses both and you are keen for him to potty train. You child was changed and cleaned, that’s the main thing.

neednotknow · 19/10/2021 08:14

OP, I would talk to your sons key worker about ways you can both encourage him, both at home and at nursery. They should be explaining things to him so he can understand why its time to use the loo and then you can back that up by following through at home.

The thing that helped me the most was not to make a fuss when there's a mess, its a only a bit of urine.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/10/2021 08:19

It could be that he's got it wrong, not unheard of in 3 year olds

daisypond · 19/10/2021 08:19

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy.

This is where you’re going wrong. Pull-ups are not a step towards potty training. They are a step back from potty training and make training more difficult.

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