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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
Mistressofnone · 19/10/2021 15:06

@Crunchymum I know what you mean. I often say this sort of stuff to DS and if he remembers I said for example, he can have cake after dinner, I'll do it. But if he forgets then so will I!

hooplahool · 19/10/2021 16:24

@crunchymum fair enough - mine remember everything and question everything. If yours don't remember then I guess it is a no risk strategy for you! I was just interested, that is all.

Supergirl1958 · 20/10/2021 17:28

More often than not my childminder is far too busy to dig deep into my son's bag to check whatever is there! If staff are busy they've just looked at whatever is there at the top and grabbed it. Teaching is a busy job! Saying this with 15 years experience most of which is in Eyfs! I think YABU it's a non incident...!

Thatsnotall · 20/10/2021 17:34

@xxlostxx

At just turned 3 he is more than ready. Honestly! Don't hold him back, go with the pull ups and take the lead of his nursery. Unless he has additional needs he shouldn't be still in nappies!
Just because he’s three doesn’t mean a thing about being ready Hmm This line of thinking is akin to ‘everyone can breastfeed if they try hard enough….’

OP don’t give this a moment’s more thought Flowers

ArianaDumbledore · 20/10/2021 17:46

I had a disaster putting DS1 & 2 in pants too early. It made for a miserable existence.

Ds3 was just over 3 but it was at his pace. So when he decided no more nappies there were no accidents as he was using the toilet regularly anyway.

Ds4 I did lie to him. Well I said that's the last nappy so pants from tomorrow. He was trained in a couple of days, just over 3 as well.

All of them were dry at night at 2

Doifollowrule · 20/10/2021 17:46

I'd just like to add that pull-ups are a massive pain in the arse (especially as a childcare professional) and a total waste of time - they're a marketing ploy! If children are ready for pants, put them in pants, it should only take a week or two at most for a neuro typical ready child to get the hang of it, pull-ups feel like nappies and are not a clear enough transition, they know they can still just go with no consequence (I don't mean negative consequence like punishment, just not feeling wet or uncomfortable) so just stop bothering. I've seen it with three year-olds particularly, they start well, then parents think "oh they might have an accident in the car or on this outing, I'll pop them in a pull up" and the child just doesn't bother to stop playing and go to the loo!

Scottsy100 · 20/10/2021 17:51

Imagine how many other key children that person may have to look after a pull up would have saved them time to be able to do so, unfortunately not everything is about your son, and yes by 3 he should totally be using pull ups

Mammyloveswine · 20/10/2021 17:52

3 year olds should absolutely be toilet training unless there is a medical need or SEN.

When I first started teaching I had no children in my nursery class in a nappy. My last nursery class a third of the class were in nappies and popper vests!!

Potty training is not easy or straightforward and takes work!! It doesn't help that modern nappies are so good tho that children don't feel uncomfortable like they did in the days of cloth nappies!

Anyway to answer your op, if the pull up was in his bag then it was him to use so you are being ridiculous.

Yogalola · 20/10/2021 18:00

Not really sure why nappy training is such a bother, children pick up what to do really quickly. When my 3 kids were little they were all fully trained by 2 and a half. Is it something due to disposable nappies being far better these days?
Make an effort at home just think of the money you’ll save on nappies!

Spottybotty20 · 20/10/2021 18:11

My daughter was in a dirty vest (dinner stains) when I picked her up from my Mums today. I said look at the state of her and my mum said “you didn’t put a clean vest in the bag for her so sorry” - in an annoying way.

I then reached into the bag and pulled out 2 clean vests.

While it’s really annoying to be made to feel like a crap mum who can’t pack a bag properly. I’m not assuming my mum is a liar, she just didn’t look hard enough or couldn’t be bothered. It’s not done my daughter any harm like a pull-up hasn’t. I’m not sure why you’d assume lying instead of mistaken

drpaddington · 20/10/2021 18:21

As a nursery nurse I'd say the chances are staff just grabbed the first thing they saw in his bag and used it, they possibly hadn't realised there were both nappies and pull ups to choose from. It's much less likely that they purposely lied to him- seems an odd thing to do. They could also have had different staff in the room, I know we've had to move people around lots lately as we've had so much staff illness, so that makes it even more likely that they genuinely didn't realise he had nappies too.

nopuppiesallowed · 20/10/2021 18:28

OH MY GOODNESS! Disposable nappies have a lot to answer for. They keep a child so comfy that they happily stay on nappies for ages. Mine wore cloth nappies. Just after their second birthday potty training began. Two weeks maximum and they were happily using potties and very proud of themselves. No landfill problems. Easy for us mums as no more washing nappies. Reading the OP I despair for our planet!

Hertsgirl10 · 20/10/2021 18:30

You know when people say the world has gone crazy … I can see why if this situation has genuinely upset a person and is worried about this.

I really thought by the title this was going to be something awful.

Maybe the nursery are too worried to upset you by telling you that the potty training issue here isn’t the kid?

cherish123 · 20/10/2021 18:34

🙄they are not lying to him. They are trying to potty train him.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 20/10/2021 18:35

HI OP. Re potty training. don't bother with a potty. Go straight to one of the toilet seats. My DS (also stubborn) hated the potty and wouldn't use it but would quite happily sit on the toilet. We ended up buying the Pourty seat and stool (stool is higher than most and allowed him to fully rest his feet which is much more comfortable). www.pourty.co.uk/products/flexi-fit-toilet-trainer/
We pretty much mastered it 6 days. I don't think potties are necessarily that comfortable tbh

FreddieMercurysCat · 20/10/2021 18:36

Sorry OP, but this is such a non-issue.

Didifuckitup · 20/10/2021 18:38

When it bothers you, more
Than your son, you know that your the problem. Not the nursery . He’s three. He needs to crack on with training and that’s what they are trying to do

KarmaStar · 20/10/2021 18:38

They did the job.perhaps they think him having no option will resolve the issue,it did.
Don't be daft!

BoredZelda · 20/10/2021 19:00

The only thing I've ever found them useful for is when a child is not yet reliably dry at night but needs to be able to pull down the pull up by themselves if they wake up in the night or first thing in the morning and want to go to the loo.

Also, long journeys in the car.

PoetryLaser · 20/10/2021 19:23

Well done to the nursery who have managed exactly what you've been wanting for a while, by the sound of things. He'll be at school in just 11 shorty months - so you've got time to work on getting him dry and into proper pants.

Minniem2020 · 20/10/2021 19:25

Missing the point of the thread here but these posters (or should I say perfect parents) that are saying that there's no reason why a 3 year old shouldn't be potty trained,it's just lazy parenting etc. Seriously gets my back up. DD was trained at 20 months but DS is 3.5 and isn't, guess my parenting must have gotten a whole lot worse in between having them.

proudwomansexmatters · 20/10/2021 19:29

Yea also with the first poster here. Putting your child into pull ups isn't going to be helping him anyway. He needs to feel the consequence of when he's done a wee- not have a nice absorbent pull up on.

Scrap the nappies and the pull ups and put him in pants. You'll have a few days of accidents - but lots of encouragement and rewards for getting to the potty on time and he'll get it quick enough.

At 3 he's on the older side for potty training. Many are completely dry by this point. Both of mine were by 2.5.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 20/10/2021 19:47

A
Complete
Non
Event
🙄

Thatsnotall · 20/10/2021 19:48

@Minniem2020

Missing the point of the thread here but these posters (or should I say perfect parents) that are saying that there's no reason why a 3 year old shouldn't be potty trained,it's just lazy parenting etc. Seriously gets my back up. DD was trained at 20 months but DS is 3.5 and isn't, guess my parenting must have gotten a whole lot worse in between having them.
Totally agree. It’s saddening, and also incredibly confidence-knocking, to hear these things stated with such absolute certainty. There are far more factors that affect successful potty training than just a) age and b) SEN or NT status. It DIDN’T work for my DS aged 3, nor did it work for him at almost 4. It worked at 4 and a half (and no, he hadn’t started school at that age as he is young in the year) - he is NT, but, there were many factors that meant it didn’t work very easily at all. It took him until 7 to be reliably dry at night. DC2 however had it sorted by 2.5 and nights done by 3.5. We did nothing differently with either except I had several emotional meltdowns when attempting with DS1 due to other Mums saying some of the crap I’m reading on here….. ‘this shouldn’t be a problem at his age? Have you seen his GP? What’s wrong with him?’ Luckily I have an amazing GP who gave an eye roll about ‘those people’ and reassured me it would happen when it happens and that kids are not all the same!

Stop being so prescriptive about what EVERY NT child should and shouldn’t be able to do.

OP - on the nursery front it really does feel like a non-issue, so hope you can relax, but good luck with the training and hope it all goes well xxx

Thatsnotall · 20/10/2021 20:04

@Bakingwithmyboys

Thanks for the talk down.

It was actually my sister, an ex nursery worker who suggested emailing.

We did try to potty train during the summer, he held his wee all day and then a very traumatic meltdown when he could hold it no longer.

We left it a little and then he had the horrible virus that isn't covid that knocked him out for over a week. I'm trying to take his lead.

It's a step towards potty training in that it's not a normal nappy. We didn't use the pull ups when little so he has linked the two together.

He's not SEN, just bloody stubborn. But hey, half terms coming up so we can try again.

Also OP, absolutely no need to justify why you have ‘waited’ until (clutches pearls in shock and horror…) 3 to crack on with this. Beyond MN, and in the real world, this is a perfectly normal age to start/give-up/try-again/abandon-once-more/get-there-in-the-end with it and even if it doesn’t happen now, like everything that we all put pressure on ourselves to ‘get sorted’ it will happen eventually, and will seem so wonderfully unimportant in hindsight Wink. Good luck and lots of love Flowers xx
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