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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 19/10/2021 03:01

*didn't

By which I mean YABU to put pull-ups in and not want them used.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2021 03:08

@pantjog

I agree with you OP. You shouldn't lie to children. The nursery shouldn't be doing this. (I withdrew my daughter from a playgroup where they spouted BS like "The ball park is tired" when they didn't want the children to go in it.) It's not on. What if your son had seen the regular nappy in the bag? Then he knows they've lied to him. That's a very strange and unsettling concept for a small child.
😂😂. Small children can’t differentiate between animate and inanimate objects. It’s a beautiful stage and this white lie was to stop children getting distressed. Once the brain develops, children can differentiate and they’d think the lie ridiculous. I take it you didn’t do Santa or the tooth fairy either as that’s also lying.
EmilyEmmabob · 19/10/2021 03:21

It sounds like you're trying to delay things, it's a big step but 3 isn't a baby any more and this won't change by keeping him in nappies. Nursery took away the choice and put him in a pull up, which sounds like your goal anyway? So I don't understand why you're annoyed?

If you don't want something to be used then don't put it in the bag. This really isn't an issue.

Bumply · 19/10/2021 03:30

Those claiming a 3 year old still in nappies = SEN can count their lucky stars they had a child that took to potty training at the early end of normal.
Ds1 was still in nappies at 3.
Nursery had a big push to get him potty training, which I was fully willing to try, with plenty of spare clothes made available. He didn't last a week before nursery changed their minds.
A few months later (and still

daisypond · 19/10/2021 03:31

Pull-ups are a marketing gimmick that make potty training harder. Don’t bother with them.

Jeds55 · 19/10/2021 03:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SherryPalmer · 19/10/2021 03:46

I’d just lie to him again and say “nursery says no more nappies”

Pull ups are no help at all at potty training but they are easier for getting him to “try” on the toilet when his friends are going.

Kokeshi123 · 19/10/2021 04:10

I don't think that not being TT at three is some kind of a sign of a "problem," but yes, you and the nursery should be working on this.

In the country where I live, most nappies (from baby stage) are designed like pullup pants. It doesn't stop them being nappies, and frankly I think they are no help with TTing.

It's usually best to start off with lots of naked time, and once you start to have some successes, start using training pants (those thick ones) with a waterproof cover when you are outside the home.

I don't think the nursery is lying. They have many people caring for many children and it is hard to keep track of who is wearing precisely what.

StripeyBadger · 19/10/2021 04:22

A pull up is a nappy though? Both are what you put on a baby or toddler that doesn’t use the toilet/potty. A pull up isn’t a step closer to being trained either.

This seems such a weird thing to be getting worked up over. Do you even know if what your child said was true?

EmbarrassingMama · 19/10/2021 04:29

So you want him to wear pull ups, he came home wearing a pull up, he doesn’t seem upset about wearing a pull up and you want to have a go at nursery? Are you kidding me?

Also not sure what method you’re going with but I have never heard of pull ups assisting with potty training so don’t really understand your plan anyway. Pulls up are nappies - they work in the same way and they feel the same to a toddler (especially one that old).

Lindy2 · 19/10/2021 04:37

A pull up is just a different shape nappy.

He's not going to suddenly potty train because the nappy he's wearing pulls down rather than has flaps.

At 3 he should be wearing proper pants for potty training. He won't just become ready. There will be accidents at first while he learns what to do.

SaltySheepdog · 19/10/2021 04:38

It’s probably just a misunderstanding between your son and the carer or a couple of carers or just said without thought. It’s not an issue

ThinWomansBrain · 19/10/2021 04:45

If you don't want to wear pull ups, why put them in the bag?

LaurenKelsey · 19/10/2021 04:52

Please, just stop looking for trouble. Your child needs to be toilet trained and the school is working toward that end. Let the school do its job. It sounds like they are.

MoppaSprings · 19/10/2021 05:04

Is a pull up not just a nappy that can be pulled up and down? It still does the same job collecting urine?

Why not just do away with traditional nappies and switch to pull ups? I’m failing to see the need for both

Lemonsandlemonade · 19/10/2021 05:10

At this stage in the year with this age group I would have about 50% still in nappies .

I don’t think the nursery lies as such could it be they genuinely didn’t see them?

When changing a fair few children at one time I don’t have the time to ask about preferences as such.

In my experience pull ups make toilet training harder as the child needs to know when they are wet. Pull ups prevent this.

I don think the nursery are doing wrong here. Try and trust them I know it’s hard.

DockOTheBay · 19/10/2021 05:36

@Motherland101

What am I missing here? Pull-ups are nappies but just with an elasticated waist band rather than tape. My son used it from 5 months onwards as it was so much more convenient but in the end I didn't think it had any bearing on his potty training. (?!)
I was thinking the same. Wearing pull ups is exactly the same as wearing nappies
DockOTheBay · 19/10/2021 05:42

I don't expect they actually "lied" to him. They probably said "this is what was in your bag" because they were at the top of the bag, or something along those lines. I doubt they made a bit song and dance of "oh no there's no nappies in there, only pull ups you'll have to wear these" because why would they!?

madisonbridges · 19/10/2021 05:47

Don't lie to a 3 year old about a pull up vs a nappy. But do lie about Father Christmas, Rudolph, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny....God.
I mean, really, who's doing more harm here?

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 19/10/2021 05:52

Oh my goodness you CAN'T tell them not to 'lie'. They did the right thing! You don't give children the choice about certain things, waiting for him to ask to use pull ups is ridiculous in my opinion. Do you also not feed him until he asks to eat? Will you not teach him to read until he asks? He's a child! He doesn't get to decide certain things, for his own wellbeing!

londonrach · 19/10/2021 05:59

Pull ups are just nappies that are easy to put on. My dd was in them from about a year. It's not a step towards potty training. It's just a nappy. Being three and not toilet trained is ok and not uncommon. Dd trained herself just before her third birthday...no accidents, just I want to wear pants and I went with it as she not had any interest before. She wasn't the last or first in our group. Most got it a few weeks after third birthday. Work with the nursery her op but if his speech is that good he can tell you when he ready to go to the toilet. My dd didn't have the speech although now she chats for England. Yabu re the nursery and the pull-ups as I bet they just grapped the first one in the bag

NewtoHolland · 19/10/2021 06:02

Pull ups and nappies are the same thing that fasten differently. I think it's weird that you've asked him in such detail about what he's wearing one. At that age the ratio of nursery staff to children is 1:8, can you imagine having 8 3 year olds to supervise? I expect they just picked the first nappy/pull up out the top and if he asked said oh that's what's in your bag. It's really a non issue.
Putting two types of nappy in their and expecting them to always have the time to think that through is unreasonable.

onelittlefrog · 19/10/2021 06:14

Well was your son distressed about it? It sounds like he was fine. If so then what's the problem? Not worth getting worked up about to be honest and the nursery are helping you.

Also don't praise him so much about being in pull ups vs. nappies, because it then becomes a "thing". Just carry on like it's normal and don't mention it too much unless he does.

As someone above said, why not try sending a load of pants with him to nursery. He will have to try eventually.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 19/10/2021 06:15

I’m confused, I thought a pull up was just a nappy that you pull up instead of fasten at sides (unless I’ve got my terminology wrong). My LO has used pull ups from about 12 months as a nappy when she decided she would no longer lie down for a nappy change! Hasn’t helped one jot with potty training as she still says no when asked if she wants to use the potty. Hmm

Icebreaker99 · 19/10/2021 06:17

The nursery shouldn't be doing this. (I withdrew my daughter from a playgroup where they spouted BS like "The ball park is tired" when they didn't want the children to go in it.)

Seriously?!? When I worked in a nursery, a knife fight broke out in the street just outside the nursery garden, we got the kids inside and when they asked why we told them the birds were building a nest so we needed to come inside until they had finished so we didn't upset them, would you have preferred if it was you child there we'd told them the truth or told them "because we said so!"?

I honestly thought this was going to be about Father Christmas. OP did your child even realise they had been "lied" to? A lot of school nurseries won't take kids who aren't potty trained by 3 so unless there are SEN issues work with the nursery not against them!

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