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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery not to lie

248 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 18/10/2021 23:28

DS2 started nursery for morning sessions in sept. He's an end of August baby and just turned 3. It turned out he isn't ready for potty training yet as when we have tried, it's been rather traumatic.

I send pull ups and nappies to nursery in the hope that as he sees others using the toilets he will show interest. Which seems to be working. He's talking about it a lot more but has been very adamant about only wearing actual nappies.

He came home today in a pull up. I was full of praise, isn't this great, you can learn to use the potty etc. I asked him if he asked for the pull ups and he said he was told it was all that was in his bag.

Checking his bag later on I see a normal nappy in plain view.

They lied to him about what I was providing for him to use. This feels awful as I have always tried to make sure my boys have everything they need for nursery/school.

AIBU to be unhappy about this? Would you say something or leave it and just celebrate he's a step closer to potty training.

(I am prepared to be told I have PFB syndrome even though he's my second!)

OP posts:
Kb2942 · 19/10/2021 06:18

I am a little confused. You sent both a pull up and nappy and upset because he was in a pull up? I would ditch the nappies and go to pull ups!

Dd wasn't potty trained until a month or two after her third birthday and Ds was close to 4 (he has sen if that makes difference though). Not being toilet trained is not out the ordinary at his age. I was told the normal range is between 2&4 and most children are Aldine the 2.5-3 mark but it differs so don't let anyone tell you he shouldn't be in either pull ups or nappies.

What I found really helped is the school holidays. I'm unsure if your lo is in all the time or just term time?! But I found toilet/potty easier during half term and other holidays. Only because I'd make a point of staying home for a few days and just letting mine wear pants or nothing at all so they could feel wet if they peed - just had plenty of spare clothes. It really helped as didn't have to worry about nursery or ore school.

Ds left pre school not potty trained at all before Christmas and went back fully dry!! After months of failing. Mainly because he was getting used to it at home but would be in a pull up at pre school which confused him.

Dd took ages to get it but when it finally clicked, it did.

Each child is different, I think it gets to the point it just clicks!

EnidFrighten · 19/10/2021 06:20

How was potty training traumatic?

I think yabu, nursery workers have kids all over the place, they don't have time to carefully consider the different nappies packed in a bag, they will just grab one. If it was a pull up and they've already got your DC's clothes off etc, they're not going to leave him on the changing table or get someone else to go and check his bag for another kind of nappy. Every minute spent 121 changing bums impacts the ratio with other children, they don't have time to hang around.

Pull ups are nappies with elastic sides instead of tabs.

I think yabu to say they were lying, that's too dramatic.

Toastytoads · 19/10/2021 06:25

Most of us lie about Father Christmas, can't see what the difference is if it helps him

ThirdElephant · 19/10/2021 06:27

I'd second the poster who said to stop buying nappies. He's quite old for them now. Don't kid yourself that pull-ups are a step towards toilet training though. Most DC I know are in pull-ups before 12 months and they're definitely not toilet training.

Wagglerock · 19/10/2021 06:30

I don't get it, you sent him with pull ups, he's wearing pull ups. I wouldn't bother with nappies at all 3, though I would be trying to train him a bit harder though.

I don't think 3yo are the most reliable of narrators - mine told me did nothing at preschool yesterday and then 4 minutes later told me a long story whee did indeed do things.

EasterIssland · 19/10/2021 06:32

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turnthebiglightoff · 19/10/2021 06:34

@Lightswitch123 he's just 3. Your comment was damaging.

SylvanasWindrunner · 19/10/2021 06:37

Pull-ups are just a different kind of nappy. Sure, they're easier to pull up and down but they're not really a step closer to potty training in any way. DD was in pull-ups for ages before potty training just because they are easier to get on a wriggly baby sometimes. I sent both into nursery with no indication of what they should or shouldn't use because they're both just nappies.

If he's not ready then I wouldn't bother with the narrative that pull-ups are some sort of 'big boy' thing because I think it's more confusing. It's still just a nappy that absorbs pee and contains poo. The best way IMO is to go naked from waist down for a few days at home, and then introduce pants.

TheAverageUser · 19/10/2021 06:43

I wouldn't worry, kids that age aren't reliable narrators as a PP said. My son told me they all went into space the other day at nursery.

I think just switch him to the pull ups and start potty training soon if he has signs of being interested.

Icebreaker99 · 19/10/2021 06:43

Pull ups can be pulled up by a three year old giving them some autonomy, nappies can't.

fluffythedragonslayer · 19/10/2021 06:44

Why did you assume "lying" and not "made a mistake"? Sounds like you don't trust the nursery OP which is maybe part of a bigger issue.

WRT potty training, I agree with others who say they are just a different shape nappy. In my experience they do not help potty training at all.

And for the person who said he must have SEN because he isn't potty trained yet, absolute nonsense. 3 is not late to get potty trained!!

SylvanasWindrunner · 19/10/2021 06:48

They can be pulled up and down easier but they're not 'a step closer to potty training' because just putting a child in them makes no difference. They're still going to pee and poo in them, You actually have to potty train them.

We use them for DD overnight as she's not quite reliably dry overnight, and it means she can be pull them down to pee herself if she needs to. But merely putting her them in was meaningless. She'd been wearing them for months anyway. Only once she was already able to hold and pee and poo reliably in the potty did the fact she was wearing pull-ups become in any way relevant. If OP's DC isn't doing anything in the potty or toilet then whether he's in pull-ups or not is a moot point anyway.

MummyOfOne89 · 19/10/2021 06:49

OP, you should be happy that your little boy has made a little leap and is wearing pull ups.

As for the user who said a child may be SEN if they are 3 and in nappies?? Are you feeling ok?

Sorry to be blunt but that’s ridiculous and helps no one. A lot of children are potty trained after 3. In fact, the day after my son’s third birthday, I started training him. He took to it really well, no accidents during the day and dry throughout the night from the start.

Everyone is different. But making progress is the most important thing to remember.

SylvanasWindrunner · 19/10/2021 06:51

I'd also wonder if nursery were aware that putting him in pull-ups was some sort of indicator or statement. I imagine quite a few kids that go there wear nappy pants without it being linked in any way to potty training. I've sent DD in with them from time to time since she was 18mo just as I've found they fit better due to the elasticated waist.

CharleyMarley · 19/10/2021 07:02

They didn't lie. Get a grip.

You're her up over this but not that your child isn't potty trained? How bizarre.

It's not nursery's job to train your child.

You should have been preparing him for potty training for months. Explaining that nappies are for babies, reading him a kids book aimed at this.

You should book a week off work and have him bare bottomed and sit with him all day everyday and ask explain repetitively that he needs to do pees and poos in the potty. Then reward him when he gets it.

I did with both my kids and they were dry with no accidents within 1 day and 3 days from 2nd birthday.

1AngelicFruitCake · 19/10/2021 07:03

@5zeds

Are pull-ups a step towards potty training???Hmm

Seriously they’re nappies and it makes no difference if he wears them or anything else.
I’d be more concerned that nursery are so gormless they think this is moving things forwardShock

How rude! Pull ups are a step towards it because he can at leat pull them up and down when going to the toilet.

OP, he’s 3, unless SEN he is ready he just doesn’t want to!

brittleheadgirl · 19/10/2021 07:07

You are making a huge mistake giving him so much choice!!
How about just putting him in pull ups? He's 3, so much more useful than nappies in terms of potty training.
You're making the choice because you're the adult.
Honestly I do find some styles of parenting staggering, I must be getting old!!

olympicsrock · 19/10/2021 07:18

You are being ridiculous. It’s a white lie to encourage him to be a big boy.

Offmyfence · 19/10/2021 07:25

@ThinWomansBrain

If you don't want to wear pull ups, why put them in the bag?
This
glitterelf · 19/10/2021 07:27

Chances are they've not lied intentionally I'm a childminder and often when it comes to changing I root through bags with my hands whilst I'm watching the kids and whatever comes out the bag first is used.
I have children who have both in their bags and personally I hate pull ups so it's like a game of Russian roulette whilst your trying to keep eyes on the tiddlers and grappling through bags.

CaptainMyCaptain · 19/10/2021 07:28

@ImUninsultable

I'm with the first poster. Get over yourself.
Yes. This.
lynntheyresexpeople · 19/10/2021 07:30

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Lotusmonster · 19/10/2021 07:31

Nursery is having to care for a number of DC, yours included. You’re expecting a level of individualised thought for your son that’s a bit unrealistic IMO. If you didn’t want to find him in a pull up, you shouldn’t have placed it in his bag. Anyway, it’s sounds like he is ready now….are you a bit frustrated that nursery have overcome a barrier that you didn’t? The lie told was a white one, to progress him. You sound v controlling.

ShoppingBasket · 19/10/2021 07:32

So you have never told a white lie to your child?

No, there is no more treats left.
Time to go home, the place is closing
Oh sorry I don't know where that extremely noisy toy you had is gone?
Oh I don't know where your soother is

I'm hoping this is some type of reverse. In all honesty, if a parent came to me asking me not to lie about what was in the bag, I'd have the parents card marked as batshit for a long time.

This political correctness and being micro managed on every little thing to do with children is a reason why I left childcare. 100% parents can have their say. I have worked with many great parents over the years but like everything the few ruin it for everyone.

QuillBill · 19/10/2021 07:33

I don't think you should send him to this nursery at all as your mind has jumped to 'they lied to him' rather than they didn't see the nappy in his bag. You must not trust them to look after your son.

It's like the 'I've seen a message on my husband's phone' posts. Some people already have a feeling of distrust so think it's a suspicious message and that their husband is having an affair and other people wouldn't think anything of it at all.