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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly Smile

OP posts:
lilcolibri · 18/10/2021 22:06

I think in that case I'd drive to her house, the phone going to dial tone as well is a bit more than just clearing out her social media accounts.

MadeForThis · 18/10/2021 22:06

More likely she has asked her mother to block your number.

Martyitsyourkids · 18/10/2021 22:07

Sounds worrying 😟 I'd definitely go round to check on her. She may be trying to not be found but that doesn't mean that's what's best for her welfare x

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/10/2021 22:08

Oh! In that case she's probably just deactivated everything to shake off this relative.

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:08

@Wolfiefan

Not working or simply not answering? I doubt her mother and her have both gone missing.
You know when you dial a number, it doesn't even ring it just goes "nnnnnnnn" you know the dialling tone.

Generally when you're blocked, it rings then goes to voice mail.

My husband tried to ring and other people and same situation.

Tbh she might have changed her contact details and didn't want to give them me, which is fine. If she doesn't want the friendship that's okay, we are adults I just wanted to know that she was still okay.

I think I will leave a note it's her birthday soon. Maybe a birthday card and if she reaches out then I'll know! And if not then, I hope she is happy.

I definitely wouldn't want to cause embarrassment at her place of work, so I won't be doing that!

OP posts:
genericuserneeded · 18/10/2021 22:08

@lilcolibri

I think in that case I'd drive to her house, the phone going to dial tone as well is a bit more than just clearing out her social media accounts.
that’s what happens when you call someone that has blocked you so going to her house could be OTT
TheChip · 18/10/2021 22:08

Well then it sounds like they've removed themselves completely so this family member can't get in touch. That has possibly went as far as changing phone numbers too.

Drop a note through the door saying who you are, with your number and let her know to contact you if and when she is ready.

She may not want to though incase someone passes her number on.

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:09

@ToykotoLosAngeles

Oh! In that case she's probably just deactivated everything to shake off this relative.
Yeah I think it may be this!
OP posts:
Bentoforthehorde · 18/10/2021 22:11

If she has blocked you and you start showing up at her house, contacting her work and calling the police, you might look a little unhinged.
If you have the kind of relationship where you speak to her other friends/family then you could try that.
If her and her mother have both disappeared it's likely they are avoiding social media because of some family drama, or both blocked you.

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 22:12

It does sound like she's blocked you and the reason she asked you to take the relative off is so that you then can't see them either.

B229 · 18/10/2021 22:12

If the cousin is trying to ruin her life and following her random friends on social media, I guess that's why she's wiped her social media and phone number to stop contact from them.

I'd go to her house and knock or of she doesn't answer drop off a card or letter saying you are worried about her

Lotusmonster · 18/10/2021 22:13

Maybe she’s suffering online abuse so shut it all down. Go round to her house.

genericuserneeded · 18/10/2021 22:13

Her cousin sounds unhinged. Feel sorry for your friend

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 22:14

You say this is a “close” friend but it doesn’t sound it at all. It’s weird you’re getting other people to try and get in touch. If you were that close your friend would give you new contact details.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/10/2021 22:15

@Bentoforthehorde

If she has blocked you and you start showing up at her house, contacting her work and calling the police, you might look a little unhinged. If you have the kind of relationship where you speak to her other friends/family then you could try that. If her and her mother have both disappeared it's likely they are avoiding social media because of some family drama, or both blocked you.
Exactly.

I think people forget there's a real person on the other side of these casually suggested police welfare checks.

People are entitled to end friendships, have privacy, and take social media breaks without having people calling the police, showing up at their home and their work etc.

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 22:16

Where are people seeing it's a cousin? I don't see that anywhere

TractorAndHeadphones · 18/10/2021 22:16

It's unlikely that anything bad has happened to her so just leave it be

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 22:17

I take my comment back about blocking you. It sounds like she has come off all SM so the relative cannot contact her or find out who her work colleagues are.

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:17

@Wolfiefan

You say this is a “close” friend but it doesn’t sound it at all. It’s weird you’re getting other people to try and get in touch. If you were that close your friend would give you new contact details.
That's exactly why I'm concerned because she hasn't give me new contact details and vanished without a trace.

But yeah I will send a birthday card and see if she reaches out Smile

What's the alternative, try and catch her leaving her home, know she's okay and hopefully disappear before she sees me lmao

OP posts:
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 18/10/2021 22:20

Depending on the family issue she may have had to close all her social media and change her number at short notice.

If nobody else can get through or see her, it doesn't sound like she's just blocked you, especially with no falling out. I would knock on at her house and take a note with your number and email address to leave or give her.

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 22:21

I mean you think she’s a close friend.
She doesn’t think so.
I’d back off.

Retrievemysanity · 18/10/2021 22:21

Are you friendly with any of her relatives that you could contact? If she’s a close friend do you know her siblings/have mutual friends who might know something? If she lives close by, I think I’d just pop over to be honest. Or email?

Amandasummers · 18/10/2021 22:23

Well no, there’s no reason for the secrecy? If you’re worried go and knock on her door and if she answers tell her as such! Can’t imagine why you were so worried you thought about contacting her work and now you’re going to send a birthday card and hope she reaches out?! You’re either worried she’s ok or you’re not?

Arabelladrinkstea · 18/10/2021 22:23

Am I the only one thinking what if something sinister has happened to her and her mother.

Given everything you’ve shared - I’d be concerned this relative had done something.

Thepennysjustdropped · 18/10/2021 22:24

It sounds to me as if she wants to be untraceable for a while, maybe to cut contact with her relative. If she's busy at work she may not have got round to telling you. Or maybe she and her mum have gone somewhere to get away for a few days? The birthday card is a good idea.