To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

[paribythelake]

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly

They won't tell you. In our hospital we've had many occasions over the years where individuals have need to keep their whereabouts private (due to DV and simialr) and we're reminded that we mustn't give aways information about what they are doing and where they are.

Even in a less serious situation I doubt she'd appreciate being interrupted in her professional role just to satisfy your curiosity/anxiety about where she is.

If her work are concerned she hasn't turned up they'll have put necessary precautions in place.

Your update is exactly what I suspected and feared from your very first post. I feel sick for you and your friend. I assume that she’s never previously indicated that she’d like to leave her life and career to move to India? I’d honestly report this to the police so they can at least add it to any intelligence they’re trying to gather about women subject to forced marriage/honour punishments.

I think you also need to consider the possibility that it’s the police she’s running from.

It’s obviously easy to just assume that she’s going over for a forced marriage etc, and TBH we should be careful not to just assume because it’s India, but it’s also possible that she is the one who’s ended up on the wrong side of the law and has left the country to escape justice.

Nobody wants to think that of a friend obviously, but it’s just as possible as the alternative.

@HeartsAndClubs I don’t think that it is “just as likely”.

Admittedly there are 1,300 forced marriages in the U.K. each year, and 5,000 women sent to prison, so on the face of it then yes. But I suspect OP would have some inkling if her friend was up to something nefarious.

Why? We don’t always know people.

When people are sent to prison their friends and family so often say that they had no idea.

They could have left for all sorts of reasons. Yes forced marriage, being in trouble with the police, my parents had friends when I was younger who fled the country to escape from their debt. They were expats and just went back home, literally overnight, didn’t even empty their rented house, and it all came out after they’d gone.

Whatever the reason, this friend doesn’t want the OP to know her business or where she’s gone or why.

If she’s left the country there is very little the police can do assuming she’s left and isn’t intending to come back and hasn’t broken the law here.

If she’s left because she’s in trouble with the police they will then know where to find her.

I don’t think that it is “just as likely"

Admittedly there are 1,300 forced marriages in the U.K. each year, and 5,000 women sent to prison, so on the face of it then yes.

Except I doubt many of them are young doctors from an Indian background and a well off family. Statistically speaking I'll guess that's really, really long odds.

@YouJustFoldItIn

I don’t think that it is “just as likely"

Admittedly there are 1,300 forced marriages in the U.K. each year, and 5,000 women sent to prison, so on the face of it then yes.

Except I doubt many of them are young doctors from an Indian background and a well off family. Statistically speaking I'll guess that's really, really long odds.

I was going to say this. I've had some experience of second- and third-generation British girls of Indian descent and forced marriage through work, and it would be vanishingly rare for it to happen in the case of the woman the OP describes -- well-off, highly-educated, from a family that clearly is encouraging of female education and professional ambition.

Obviously not impossible.

Except I doubt many of them are young doctors from an Indian background and a well off family. Statistically speaking I'll guess that's really, really long odds. this. Apart from being Indian this woman really doesn’t fit the demographic of young women who are entered into forced marriages.

No I agree, she doesnt fit the demographic but it makes a bit more sense than her being on the run from the police!

Nor those of the prison population or those wanted by the police for a crime.

Would it not be worth contacting the relative the friend told you to unfollow?

Running to get away from debt then.

I think the likelihood is that this woman has deliberately gone away without letting her friends know where or why. Clearly she doesn’t consider them to be the friends they consider her to be iyswim.

At the end of the day she doesn’t want the OP to know her whereabouts.

Contacting family and police etc and bringing further attention to her could, if she’s in danger, put her at greater risk.

If she’s committed a crime or is involved with someone who has committed a crime then the police will be on to her.

The OP needs to accept that she’s gone and she doesn’t want her to know where.

If she wants to be in touch with the OP, then she will be.

As hard as it is, OP needs to let this go.

The OP needs to accept that she’s gone and she doesn’t want her to know where

If she wants to be in touch with the OP, then she will be

Not if she is being forced or coerced. How do you know she is not preying her friend searches for her and does something?

OP your friend could be in trouble, hurt, anything. I now think you really should ring her workplace, as a last ditch final effort to check she is ok.

Not if she is being forced or coerced. How do you know she is not preying her friend searches for her and does something? you don’t. But equally you don’t know that she isn’t glad to be away from the UK, either because of something which has made her flea or because she wants to go back to India.

She’s well educated. A doctor would be highly valued back in India, especially e.g. during the COVID crisis.

And remember, the mum also went back, so this isn’t a case of just the friend disappearing. And as stated upthread, clearly she comes from a family who are positive about female equality, education etc. She’s generally not a candidate for forced marriage, the general demographic is young girls between the age of 16 and 25 for starters. And not ones who are earning well in their own right.

OP could contact the police, but saying that an adult woman has stopped contacting her and has deleted their social media and apparently moved isn’t in itself reason for a police investigation.

People have the right to disappear, even if we don’t always understand the reasons.

And remember, the mum also went back, so this isn’t a case of just the friend disappearing. And as stated upthread, clearly she comes from a family who are positive about female equality, education etc. She’s generally not a candidate for forced marriage, the general demographic is young girls between the age of 16 and 25 for starters. And not ones who are earning well in their own right.

That might be the case in Muslim cultures. But arranged marriages are somewhat different in Sikh communities. Honour attacks are not unusual in Sikh families, and often involve a different demographic.
Since she's returned to India (rather than Pakistan or Bangladesh, say) this remains a possibility.

Get Police involved. They are upping their game when a woman is involved.

OP you say 'There isn't a father in the picture. I was told he passed away when she was a baby and left everything to her mum and then her mother escaped to the UK, no siblings either.'

Don't know if anyone picked up on this but I wonder if her mother 'escaped to the UK' there could be a threat to the mother? Or both of them?

@Luna42

If she is being taken away against her will, the police may be able to do something. OP said her mum "fled" to England originally. This is all very worrying. I would call Karma Nirvana for advice 0800 5999 247

@paribythelake please do this and/or contact the police and report her as missing.

How old is she? Is it possible she's being taken for marriage?

or is involved with someone who has committed a crime
i think i read a thread like that a couple days ago. it was posted by the person who was involved and her profession matches as the friend here, asking what she should do.

please do this and/or contact the police and report her as missing. she’s not missing though. Family of her’s know where she is, she’s just chosen to cut ties with her friends.

She’s a wealthy professional woman. It is highly unlikely she’s been taken away for forced marriage.

@HeartsAndClubs

please do this and/or contact the police and report her as missing. she’s not missing though. Family of her’s know where she is, she’s just chosen to cut ties with her friends.

She’s a wealthy professional woman. It is highly unlikely she’s been taken away for forced marriage.

No, family of hers SAY they know where she is. There's no evidence to show that's true or not People disappear for many types of nefarious reasons. In those cases the people responsible inevitably lie about where those people are.

If there's no harm done then a police enquiry won't hurt

I'd go back to the house and tell the aunt you will report her missing to the police unless you can speak to your friend. If you know what specialty she worked in at the hospital you could phone and express your concern. If she departed hastily it is something else that might encourage people there to report.

I'd be very, very worried about her.

As in, worried she's currently buried in a suitcase in the back garden level of worried.

Report her missing to the police. If she's actually fine and in India then they'll find that out. If she's actually in serious trouble then hopefully they'll find that out too.

We know there has been some family drama. She has apparently cut everyone off, deleted all social media, abandoned her career, gone abroad indefinitely, and done so so suddenly that she has left family members to pack up her belongings at her home?

Something isn't right here.

I'd go back to the house and tell the aunt you will report her missing to the police unless you can speak to your friend. If you know what specialty she worked in at the hospital you could phone and express your concern. If she departed hastily it is something else that might encourage people there to report. oh yes. Go round and start making threats therefore giving out the message that the friend doesn’t have the right to go away and not tell others where she’s gone.

It’s not for the OP to start threatening people or issuing ultimatums. The aunt has told her that the friend doesn’t want her whereabouts known and the OP has to respect that.

If she doesn’t believe it then of course she’s within her rights to contact the police and they can look into it if they deem that appropriate.

But issuing ultimatums only confirms why the friend had good reason for not wanting her whereabouts known.