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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly Smile

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 18/10/2021 21:49

It sounds way more like she's come of social media due to the drama with her relative as that would explain why her mum has gone too. I'm with all the other PPs - why not call her?

samesign · 18/10/2021 21:50

Text or call? if she's a close friend I understand your worry but seems like she's come off social media through choice.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 18/10/2021 21:50

@ABCeasyasdohrayme Please don't check on her or call her work. If she was actually missing her family would contact you

There’s no way to know that, especially if she’s fallen out with her actual family and asked OP not to follow them anymore…

I don’t have actual family; other than my husband, who probably wouldn’t think to contact my friends if I was missing and he was busy.

TheChip · 18/10/2021 21:52

Had you had a falling out?
I dont understand why you would be expected to unfollow one of her family members because of drama that didn't involve you, or did it?

Then after you unfollow, her family and herself vanish from the online world. Could it be that they were removing you?

If they were and you start calling her place of work its going to look a bit dodgy.
If you haven't had a falling out, then maybe go to her door and see if she answers, leave a note like pp suggested.

PackedintheUK · 18/10/2021 21:52

I might call work if I'd exhausted every other avenue but I'd definitely knock on her door first.

melj1213 · 18/10/2021 21:53

Firstly, have you actually tried to contact her directly - calling on the phone or going to her house? - or have you assumed that removing herself (or blocking you) from her social media is the same as going "missing"?

Secondly, if you can't get in contact then I would leave a message - whether that is a note through the letterbox, a text or a voicemail - for her to contact you, just to let you know that she is alright as you have noticed all of her SM has disappeared and you are concerned about her.

Thirdly, I would assume the NHS has the same, if not better, data protection systems than where I work and we would never give out any kind of personal information on any employee, whether that's confirming whether or not they are in work or their working hours (unless they have a legitimate need to know the information that can be independently verified). If some random person rings up claiming to be a concerned friend and asking for information about a specific employee I would hope that the person on the other end of the phone would give out zero information, instead would take your details and ask your friend to be the one to make contact.

Cactus1982 · 18/10/2021 21:53

She’s blocked you WhatsApp. A friend did it to me recently. I posted a thread about it, she’s since reappeared and had admitted that she’s been going through a difficult time.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/10/2021 21:54

Please don't get the police to do a welfare check because your mate has blocked you and/or come of social media.

Her family or work would be better placed to decide if she is missing or not.

I had someone I blocked do this to me and it's so claustrophobic, just need a bit of alone time and have the police rock up on your doorstep because you haven't spoken to your mate for a few days.

BigYellowHat · 18/10/2021 21:54

If you’re that concerned then I would pop into her work. If she’s a doctor then presumably a public place anyway. If you want to do it without her knowing, you could just say to the receptionist that you have an appointment with Dr X, what clinic are they in? Maybe a starting point.

I agree with a PP who said work should get in touch with her if she doesn’t turn up. A patient at my old work was found after the Police broke down the door following a call to the non emergency line after not showing up. She’d been lying on the floor for 24 hours with a badly broken leg and no way of contacting anyone.

genericuserneeded · 18/10/2021 21:54

Define missing though? She might just have blocked you on everything or deleted her social media but still live her normal life in reality. Adults don’t have to contact people they don’t want to, if she doesn’t want to get in touch then you can’t really ask her workplace for answers.

the only option is to call the police and report her missing if she genuinely is - for safety and data protection reasons, her employer won’t disclose any information to you

AlexaShutUp · 18/10/2021 21:55

I wouldn't contact her work because it might embarrass her. Maybe put something through her door?

Purpleseaside · 18/10/2021 21:55

I completely understand your worry, it's really scary when someone cuts contact. However, your friend might be like me when they want some space... Sometimes I want the feeling of getting away and it's hard with social media and notifications. When I feel like this I often log out of my social media sites and block people just to get some space.

I agree with previous replies
and posting a note through her door is a great away to show your true concern 😊 If she doesn't respond quickly then yes to contacting her workplace. Good luck!

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/10/2021 21:57

There’s no way to know that, especially if she’s fallen out with her actual family and asked OP not to follow them anymore…

Her mum has also 'disappeared' off social media. Far more likely that op is blocked, or the pair of them decided not to bother with SM anymore unless you think there should be a missing person's report for them both because they aren't on FB?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/10/2021 21:59

You definitely can't call her work because she's blocked you and/or deleted her social media.

What do you actually think might have happened to them, if both she and her mother have done the same?

2lsinllama · 18/10/2021 21:59

Can you contact a mutual friend? That would show if she has come off SM altogether, which could be concerning if out of the blue, or if she has just blocked you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/10/2021 22:00

@Summerfun54321

I’d definitely do a welfare police check rather than call her work. Calling her work isn’t your job, you aren’t a detective.
Op has no reason to suspect she isn't either at home or at work, she's just deleted her social media. Police welfare check? Confused
Sportsnight · 18/10/2021 22:00

Do you have any mutual friends? Try them first. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to contact her work if you’ve exhausted every other avenue, but it would be an absolute last resort for me. Even then I wouldn’t say I thought she was missing, I’d just ask to speak to her, and if she’s not there, ask when she’s back in, in the guise of a customer or client.

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:00

@Lightswitch123

What happens when you just try an old fashioned telephone call (not via WhatsApp/ Social media)?
I have tried to call. It just goes to dial tone. So has my family. Blush
OP posts:
givingupchocolatemonday · 18/10/2021 22:01

If she has gone that far to block you I wouldn't bother trying

TheChip · 18/10/2021 22:02

Did the drama involve you?

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:02

@CausingChaos2

It’s quite common for people to delete Facebook for a while or permanently but with the WhatsApp changes too, I’m sorry I think she may have blocked you.
I thought that too. But my other friends (who she doesn't know) have tried looking for her and not able to see either.

I think I might go with the drop a card through her house idea Sad

OP posts:
genericuserneeded · 18/10/2021 22:02

Tbh I think if someone was genuinely “missing”, their social media would be intact. Her online presence being wiped just seems like she has cut contact with you and you alone, rather than her coming into harm’s way. People are allowed to not like you. It’s unlikely someone nefarious would bother to wipe her online presence

Original poster
paribythelake · 18/10/2021 22:04

@TheChip

Had you had a falling out? I dont understand why you would be expected to unfollow one of her family members because of drama that didn't involve you, or did it?

Then after you unfollow, her family and herself vanish from the online world. Could it be that they were removing you?

If they were and you start calling her place of work its going to look a bit dodgy.
If you haven't had a falling out, then maybe go to her door and see if she answers, leave a note like pp suggested.

So, a random girl followed me on Instagram whom I don't know.

A few day's later my friend tells me "if you could kindly not listen to anything this relative of mine says, there has been a family fall out and she's trying to ruin my life" then we converse back and forth and then the next day she was gone.

We've never had a falling out. It's just baffling.
I know a family coming off social media isn't the end all. But the number not working anymore and her mother's number not working anymore. I don't know I just feel kinda worried 😦

OP posts:
FreshFancyFrogglette · 18/10/2021 22:05

She hasn't disappeared by the sounds of it, she has ended your friendship. Unless I have misunderstood? Definitely not her work place! If you think that she is genuinely missing, then her house is the first place to check, surely :s

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 22:05

Not working or simply not answering?
I doubt her mother and her have both gone missing.