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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly Smile

OP posts:
iwishiwasafish · 19/10/2021 00:53

Ask the police to do a welfare check.

YearsSinceISawYou · 19/10/2021 01:02

Don't ask the police to do a welfare check at this stage. It could be very embarrassing for her.

Try the other avenues of dropping her a note, ringing her work or -if you know her shift pattern-wait in your car nearby to see if she leaves the house.

Does she have a car? Is it parked where it usually is?

You don't need to do anything if she see her or she responds. You'll know she is ok, so let the dust settle before trying to contact her again.

clockover · 19/10/2021 01:03

@iwishiwasafish

Ask the police to do a welfare check.

Because someone has deleted their social media presence? Extreme. Very extreme.

iwishiwasafish · 19/10/2021 01:09

@clockover No, because not only has she disappeared from social media, but her phone is not connecting, she has changed normal patterns of behaviour with a close friend and OP should trust her instincts.

OP has said already she is going to try her house tomorrow. If she still can’t get hold of her then I would think a welfare check was appropriate.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2021 01:09

Don't ring her place of work. That would be horrific! If she is employed by the NHS and had genuinely gone missing her workplace would have reported this to the police.

If you had a real worry about her safety I'd say drive to her house, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds more like you just want to know what is going on, and I'm afraid you may have to just live with not knowing.

chaosmaker · 19/10/2021 01:12

@maddening

What was the drama with the following relative? Why was your following an issue?
People can stalk other profiles that have blocked them by friending a friend of the one that blocked them. It's quite common I think.
MadeItOut21 · 19/10/2021 01:26

She's not missing, it sounds like her and her family are trying to stay under the radar for some reason. She'll contact you when she's ready.

IHateCoronavirus · 19/10/2021 01:50

I understand you being worried I think k I would be too. I’d see if I could bump
into her, if not and my gut was still concerned I would try to do a welfare check. This isn’t some random, it is your friend who
I presume you know well enough to think this pattern of behaviour isn’t normal.

CherryBlossomWinter · 19/10/2021 01:51

I think it’s OK to be worried, but it sounds like she’s had some big horrible fall out and a family member is trying to smear her and using social media to do it.

I think if she is busy as a doctor, then her work will know pretty immediately if there is something wrong. So I wouldn’t think you necessarily need to do anything except wait.

However if you are really worried, drop a card but write on the envelope who you are, say you haven’t heard anything, wanted to say happy birthday and noticed she wasn’t on social media and hoped she was OK.

1forAll74 · 19/10/2021 02:00

She seems to have family issues, and doesn't wan't to be bothered by anyone at the moment, and obviously doesn't wan't to be contacted about her private life at all. I would just hang fire for now.

saraclara · 19/10/2021 02:02

Try the other avenues of dropping her a note, ringing her work or -if you know her shift pattern-wait in your car nearby to see if she leaves the house.

That's stalking behaviour. Which if this scenario is what it seems, is the very last thing she needs. A car lurking outside her house? Feeling she's being watched? Yeah, great idea. Hmm

Changemaname1 · 19/10/2021 02:25

It just sounds to me like she wants to stay under the radar , Her family are doing the same as I understand it ? So doesn’t seem like she has gone physically missing just that she doesn’t want any online presence . I can I understand your concern though

The ruining my life comment obviously indicates some big fall out somewhere n she wants to lay low i mean that could be anything couldnt it so I’d prob just give her some space

SapphireEyes88 · 19/10/2021 02:34

Please definitely go to her house and leave a note if no answer, don't leave it. Put in the note that if you don't hear from her you will request a welfare check. With the family drama the police would probably rather attend her home unnecessarily than risk leaving it in case something serious has happened.
Personal experience has recently taught me that I'd rather be embarrassed by showing up on a friends doorstep to check they are OK than go against my gut instinct and put it off. We regret the things we don't do far more than the actions we do take. I hope your friend is OK.

mountbattenbergcake · 19/10/2021 02:36

She doesn’t want to be contacted, respect her wishes.

What's the alternative, try and catch her leaving her home, know she's okay and hopefully disappear before she sees me lmao

I’m not sure why you’re laughing your ass off. Confused

Torvean · 19/10/2021 02:42

I deleted fb, LinkedIn, instagram in one afternoon.
Didn't think I'd have to inform anyone....
Still have what's app and my phone.

If the police came to my door or someone unexpected just due yo that I would not be impressed.

Send a text/WhatsApp if you must
But ppl do decide to ditch SM because they don't want it

MrsLargeEmbodied · 19/10/2021 02:55

how do you know her working hours?

Lifeinthescratcher · 19/10/2021 02:56

Haven’t you got her mobile numbet?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2021 03:00

@mountbattenbergcake

She doesn’t want to be contacted, respect her wishes.

What's the alternative, try and catch her leaving her home, know she's okay and hopefully disappear before she sees me lmao

I’m not sure why you’re laughing your ass off. Confused

I would think Lmao is being used sarcastically because she doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

I hope your friend is ok op.

Shocktober · 19/10/2021 03:26

Hope your friend is OK. A birthday card thru the door is a good idea.

mountbattenbergcake · 19/10/2021 03:28

@Mummyoflittledragonmaybe, but it doesn’t read like sarcasm at all.

MimiDaisy11 · 19/10/2021 03:40

Hope things turn out well. If her mum’s number is also not connecting that seems to suggest it’s an effort the family has gone to rather than a specific issue with your friend and her welfare.

olympicsrock · 19/10/2021 05:04

There has been cases recently of junior doctors being overwhelmed by the pit that the NHS is in ( along with other things in life) . Several have taken their own lives.

This does sound concerning. I would definitely check up on her. If you can’t make contact at her home and feel this is really out of character do get a welfare check.

SaltySheepdog · 19/10/2021 05:14

Write a card and put it through her door. Include your phone number. Say you’re worried that you’ve been unable to make contact and wanted to check she’s ok and to ask if she would like to meet for a coffee this week?

BoredatHome321 · 19/10/2021 05:24

[quote mountbattenbergcake]@Mummyoflittledragonmaybe, but it doesn’t read like sarcasm at all.[/quote]
It really does...

overnightangel · 19/10/2021 05:29

I think a card is the best idea too, good luck OP