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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly Smile

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 10:46

@Peony15

This post has all my spidey senses tingling. Maybe OP poster is the the person the " friend " is trying to escape from. No one needs advice how to welfare check on a close friend, you ask within the friend network and not on mumsnet. Sorry OP if I sound harsh but my that's my gut feeling. You can't be a close friend if your first port of advice is an anonymous forum.
Are you kidding me? This is a forum where people come first to ask advice on things to do with their husband and marriage, immediate family and children - yet you think it's odd someone comes to ask outside opinions on a worry over a friend?!
homeonthehill · 19/10/2021 10:52

I can't believe how many people advised a call or a text.... why on earth would Op not have thought of that?!

Anyway, glad to hear you're going to pop round. It is all very strange and the fact no one can get through to her phone confirms it's not just a case of her blocking you alone.

You're a good friend, hope it all turns out to be nothing.

User134342134 · 19/10/2021 10:55

This post has all my spidey senses tingling. Maybe OP poster is the the person the " friend " is trying to escape from. No one needs advice how to welfare check on a close friend, you ask within the friend network and not on mumsnet. Sorry OP if I sound harsh but my that's my gut feeling. You can't be a close friend if your first port of advice is an anonymous forum.

To be fair this thread is a lot more plausible than the other recent one where someone was convinced a friend had died just because they couldn't get in touch over Whatsapp. That was seriously unhinged.

This sounds like OP's friend simply deleted their social media or changed numbers which isn't "weird" at all. I know loads of perfectly normal people who do that from time to time. They might also have lost their phone and just decided to use that opportunity to stay offline for a while.

CecilieRose · 19/10/2021 10:58

She hasn't 'gone missing', has she? She's stopped using social media and WhatsApp. I'm sure someone would check on her if she wasn't turning up for work. The fact someone has purposely deactivated their social media is not a cause for concern. In fact, it's even less concerning than messages getting through and going unread.

Datafan55 · 19/10/2021 10:59

Let her know you're there in real life whilst also simultaneously giving her some space... So agree that a card through the door (with a reminder of best contact method) is good.

I think it's nice you are wanting to check and not just giving up on her because a social media method or two has gone dark!

Bluesheep8 · 19/10/2021 11:04

She hasn't 'gone missing', has she? She's stopped using social media and WhatsApp.

Exactly. Perhaps she doesn't want to be contacted at the moment. By anyone.

saraclara · 19/10/2021 11:09

@CecilieRose

She hasn't 'gone missing', has she? She's stopped using social media and WhatsApp. I'm sure someone would check on her if she wasn't turning up for work. The fact someone has purposely deactivated their social media is not a cause for concern. In fact, it's even less concerning than messages getting through and going unread.
To be fair, their landline has also been cut off/blcked. And her mother has also blocked everything. So it's not just a case of someone taking a digital break.
MintyGreenDream · 19/10/2021 11:11

Shes just not that into you

saraclara · 19/10/2021 11:13

@MintyGreenDream

Shes just not that into you
Or anyone else apparently. Because as OP has spelled out, NO-ONE has been able to contact her.

Grow up.

driftcompatible · 19/10/2021 11:13

The attitudes of some responses her baffles me. So many saying 'she's just blocked you on WhatsApp'. No. She's also deleted Linked In etc. She's on good terms with her friend with whom she confided in a family drama. Friend is now no longer contactable through the usual routes common to them and this was without warning. OP has tried to call and has identified a significant shift in behaviour alongside a period of stress/upset.

People who WOULDNT check on a friend under those conditions baffle me.

Go and check on her OP. Those who are being dismissive about you being blocked and mocking for being worried a friend hasn't updated Instagram are either naive, stupid, or dangerously nonchalant.

If behaviour changes significantly and someone who is usually contactable isn't when they've said they are upset you CHECK ON THEM.

NameChangeADHD · 19/10/2021 11:14

Hope she’s okay

2lsinllama · 19/10/2021 11:17

@driftcompatible

The attitudes of some responses her baffles me. So many saying 'she's just blocked you on WhatsApp'. No. She's also deleted Linked In etc. She's on good terms with her friend with whom she confided in a family drama. Friend is now no longer contactable through the usual routes common to them and this was without warning. OP has tried to call and has identified a significant shift in behaviour alongside a period of stress/upset.

People who WOULDNT check on a friend under those conditions baffle me.

Go and check on her OP. Those who are being dismissive about you being blocked and mocking for being worried a friend hasn't updated Instagram are either naive, stupid, or dangerously nonchalant.

If behaviour changes significantly and someone who is usually contactable isn't when they've said they are upset you CHECK ON THEM.

This. All of this. Better to be seen to be over reacting than to live with the guilt, trust me.
liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 11:20

To be fair, their landline has also been cut off/blcked. And her mother has also blocked everything. So it's not just a case of someone taking a digital break.

I don't believe a landline has been mentioned - just that they've tried to phone on the normal mobile service rather than using an app such as what's app

YellowPears · 19/10/2021 11:21

If behaviour changes significantly and someone who is usually contactable isn't when they've said they are upset you CHECK ON THEM.
Yes, but not by ringing them at work or by calling the police but by going round to their house.

liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 11:21

People who WOULDNT check on a friend under those conditions baffle me.

She plans to check on her friend though - and is being advised to. Mainly by popping round rather than calling 999 or making anonymous calls to the workplace of someone worried about being contacted. Seems reasonable!

Gwenhwyfar · 19/10/2021 12:22

"In what way is it horrific to ring someone at work? What a weird thing to think. People ring people at work every day. Maybe I'm missing something, can you explain where you're coming from thinking that?"

I think the poster was probably thinking that OP would tell work she thinks her friend is missing, rather than just calling her work and asking for her.
I'm not sure people get personal calls at work every day these days because most people have mobiles and some workplaces will have rules about personal calls on the work phone - but it's obviously not that strange, I agree.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/10/2021 12:30

"Calling someone at work - which is the one place they can't be uncontactable - feels like stalking."

Oh don't be silly. I accept there may be rules against personal calls in some workplaces or it doesn't look good, or isn't practical, but simply calling someone at work isn't stalking them!

Gwenhwyfar · 19/10/2021 12:32

@liveforsummer

People who WOULDNT check on a friend under those conditions baffle me.

She plans to check on her friend though - and is being advised to. Mainly by popping round rather than calling 999 or making anonymous calls to the workplace of someone worried about being contacted. Seems reasonable!

People were telling her not to even call round though!
AndTime · 19/10/2021 13:08

I hope your friend is ok. I have had to delete social media and change my number over the years due to an abusive relationship so it does happen. If she is in the midst of a family drama she probably doesn't have the head space to update everyone and is planning to put her accounts back online when able.

Porfre · 19/10/2021 13:13

@Peony15

This post has all my spidey senses tingling. Maybe OP poster is the the person the " friend " is trying to escape from. No one needs advice how to welfare check on a close friend, you ask within the friend network and not on mumsnet. Sorry OP if I sound harsh but my that's my gut feeling. You can't be a close friend if your first port of advice is an anonymous forum.
Yup she sounds a bit too invested. The easiest thing to do is knock on the door and see if shes in.
justasking111 · 19/10/2021 13:24

The OP could be a stalker who knows.

I do know my GP friend and a friend who's a social worker in prisons have zero footprint on social media. There's some crazy patients and convicts out there

Datafan55 · 19/10/2021 13:30

Various references to OP could be a stalker and we are giving her tips

Sure, but how sadly cynical (again). If someone wants to stalk someone or cause them hassle, they can come up these ideas all by themselves.

Or you could just take it in good faith that there is a person worried about their friend and wants to talk it out.
I'm happy to do this, thanks!
Glad you'll be dropping by, OP.

AliceMcK · 19/10/2021 14:19

I don’t see any harm ringing her workplace as long as you just say can she please call you, leave you name and number. You don’t have to say what it’s about, if they ask just say Dr X will know. Just pretend it’s a business related call.

If she’s reached out to you in the past I would definitely reach out to her. Leaving a card sounds good. Given her mums gone off the grid too it dose sound like they are doing everything to stop this auntie from having any contact or access to them. They may even be staying somewhere else.

If your really worried, maybe ask the police to do a welfare check.

USaYwHatNow · 19/10/2021 14:25

Hope all was okay, I think its nice that she has a friend that cares so much, not everyone has that in this world.

Thatsplentyjack · 19/10/2021 14:38

If she is being harassed by this family member then she has probably deactivated everything and got a new number. Perhaps her mum did the same if the family member was contacting her too.

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