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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly

OP posts:

Bettyboopawoop · 19/10/2021 15:39

Op trust your gut instinct, being a junior doctor is probably very stressful and having family issues too, try dropping a card off at her house tell her your thinking of her, hopefully she will be there, if not then try her family if you can't get hold of her then I would think about going to her work just incase as you never know what's going through someone's head especially with covid and the pressure the NHS is under maybe she's not coping.

MargaretThursday · 19/10/2021 16:02

I was on the kind of opposite end of that. One of my work colleagues died very suddenly at work. She was a loving and friendly person and had huge numbers of contacts that her family tried to do their best to contact.

About 9 months later later I got a call from someone in a similar position to the OP.
They lived away, and generally met up 2 times a year at a regular spot and time, neither of them really used social media, and tended to contact through snail mail. She was a bit surprised not to get normal Christmas card etc but put it down to post etc.
Then she went for their regular meet up and when my colleague didn't turn up, then became worried. Mobile went to voicemail, no response to posted letter so she did the only thing she could think of which was phone her work.

It was a difficult call to take, traumatic from both ends. We both cried lots, and I know I felt very shaken afterwards, and I'm sure she felt worse.
But I'm glad she did call. It would have been far worse for her to not have known and keep on wondering and hoping.

Funnylittlefloozie · 19/10/2021 17:57

This is the second post I've seen recently where someone has asked about tracing someone who is trying not to be found. Its all a bit odd.

Original poster

paribythelake · 19/10/2021 20:43

*Update.
*
So I went round to her house, her auntie (not related to the relative) answered. There was lots of moving boxes in the hallway.

Apparently they've both gone to India indefinitely and she doesn't want to pass on information without asking I didn't press for answers so I just left a card incase when they talk she wants to see it m.

I am still curious but the auntie didn't provoke suspicion or anything (I don't know this woman, never met previously)

I guess I'll just have to leave it and if she does want to reach out then I guess I'll find out one day!

OP posts:

homeonthehill · 19/10/2021 20:50

It's extremely weird. Deleting social media I get but LinkedIn? So she's abandoned her home, friends, and even her career?! I'd be worried but I don't think there is any more you can do.

TatianaBis · 19/10/2021 20:54

So my question about culture was relevant it seems - could there be an honour aspect to this? Or the family think she's broken some cultural rule and have threatened her?

saraclara · 19/10/2021 21:05

@TatianaBis

So my question about culture was relevant it seems - could there be an honour aspect to this? Or the family think she's broken some cultural rule and have threatened her?

Yep. I would be far more worried now, to be honest.

A doctor doesn't just walk away from her job like this. Or disappear back to India so suddenly and without any communication with her friends, after deleting every single online presence.

I'd be very very concerned.

Nuttymonkey · 19/10/2021 21:12

So she's suddenly gone to India with her Mum? And they've both deleted media... Sounds like potentially they could be in trouble... I get moving away... But why the need to not be traced..... Don't think she could have been whisked away? Was it definitely your friend sending you the messages asking to delete the family contact?
I think I would be thinking about popping to her place of work to see if anyone else has concerns..... Potentially would cross my mind to tell the Aunty if I don't hear from the person herself within a week, then I might consider reporting her missing to the police...

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 19/10/2021 21:15

With the updated information I'd now be really worried about her.

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 21:18

That update is very worrying.

Keepitnerdy · 19/10/2021 21:18

I would be contacting the police at this point, I'd be very worried about arranged marriage, maybe her mother had escaped violence in the UK from her husband etc... I'd she was trying to escape her Auntie India seems like a unusual choice especially as shes a junior doctor.

Original poster

paribythelake · 19/10/2021 21:34

@TatianaBis

So my question about culture was relevant it seems - could there be an honour aspect to this? Or the family think she's broken some cultural rule and have threatened her?

Yes, sorry I seen your comment now.

There isn't a father in the picture. I was told he passed away when she was a baby and left everything to her mum and then her mother escaped to the UK, no siblings either.

I have been constantly thinking since writing the update. I feel very strange.

What worries me is, in London, they are very well to do people. 5* holidays, business class flights so I'm concerned maybe other family members have come back and caused trouble.

OP posts:

AngelDelightUk · 19/10/2021 21:38

There’s definitely something not right about this

Could you call her work and ask to speak to her?

TatianaBis · 19/10/2021 21:41

Well I hope wherever they've gone they have protection of other family/friends around them.

I wish she had contacted the police here and going into hiding if necessary.

Flumpyfish · 19/10/2021 21:44

Could they have been here illegally and the relative has reported them causing them to be deported?

MissCruellaDeVil · 19/10/2021 21:45

That update is rather concerning. I would now consider phoning the police and reporting her as missing.

mountbattenbergcake · 19/10/2021 21:45

@Flumpyfish

Could they have been here illegally and the relative has reported them causing them to be deported?

🙄

saraclara · 19/10/2021 21:47

@Flumpyfish

Could they have been here illegally and the relative has reported them causing them to be deported?

She's a doctor. So given all the checks she'd have had, that's very unlikely.

MissCruellaDeVil · 19/10/2021 21:48

@Flumpyfish

Could they have been here illegally and the relative has reported them causing them to be deported?

Unnecessary

Flumpyfish · 19/10/2021 21:54

Good point about the doctor. I dont know what was unnecessary about my comment. These things happen. Its shit, but it happens.

driftcompatible · 19/10/2021 22:04

You need to speak directly to her. No mediator. No Aunty gatekeeper. It's concerning. If there is nothing wrong then they'll happily put you right and be glad you cared enough to check.

If something is wrong, you've acted.

But you must speak to her and decide then what the next step is. I wouldn't allow this Aunty to tell me anything and accept it.

Shalala22 · 19/10/2021 22:06

Sounds like you have been blocked. I'd there anyone you know who can search for their online presence so you can check perhaps? I wouldn't be chasing them up otherwise, unless I had very serious concerns for their well-being.

Shalala22 · 19/10/2021 22:08

Sorry, didn't see your updates

driftcompatible · 19/10/2021 22:08

@Shalala22 read the full thread ...

driftcompatible · 19/10/2021 22:08

@Shalala22 sorry cross post

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