Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

@Mumontour85 clearly you don’t know anything about autism ☹️

@OverweightPidgeon

Take him without the clothes he should have packed - you can’t leave him alone!

This, he has to come but if he won’t pack, he will have nothing to wear ( you could always secretly put clean undies and toothbrush in your bag)

You're literally describing my DH every time we go on holiday. Maybe I should leave him at home...

I wouldn’t leave him home alone but I would leave him behind with a suitable friend or relative.

Also to add that at 14 my Mum still packed my suitcase. I honestly think your expectations are a bit unreasonable. And if he is struggling to pack a bag I would question if he is mature enough yet to be left on his own for such a duration.

Change the time on all the clocks after he has gone to bed, remove devices that tell time. Set them an hour and half earlier. Tell him you are leaving on time, with or without him and see if he really wants to go and starts packing. Not sure what you do if he just stays in bed because you can’t leave a 14 year old on his own.

@bendmeoverbackwards ...........

🤔 I am no expert, but my sentiment echoes that of plenty of comments!

Surely the idea of leaving your autistic son at home, alone, for 5 days, is far worse than packing for him and leaving out a favourite hoody?!

Not sure why you singled me out tbh 🤷‍♀️✌

He is a child, 14 is a really tough age with development, hormones in the mix.
This is not a battleground, help support your son especially as he has special needs.

I have not RTFT but you can't leave a 14 yo, special needs or not, alone at home for one night, never mind 5.

As a mum of an ASC/ADHD 11 year old I’m completely gobsmacked you’d consider leaving yours at home “high functioning” or not, (just for clarity that term is no longer used) As previously mentioned by other posters your son could find packing for a trip massively overwhelming. At 14 he’s still a child and considering leaving him when you know he wants to go is abhorrent to me. 😱😱

I’m astonished at the ignorance of ASC awareness on this thread. I despair for my ASC child I really do. 😢

As a mum of a son with ASD (albeit he’s 18) don’t you bloody dare leave him on his on whilst you go on holiday! 1. He is only 14 and 2. He is autistic!!! What are you thinking???
My blood is boiling at the thought of you doing this 😡😡😡😡

Know this one from in-laws - house trashed - not by son, but "mates" - home alone can be very stressful. I feel your pain though!

@NeonTetras

He's 14. He's old enough to stay on his own for 5 days. If he doesn't want to go, don't force him. He is definitely old enough to stay home.

Bullshit.

@linsey2581

As a mum of a son with ASD (albeit he’s 18) don’t you bloody dare leave him on his on whilst you go on holiday! 1. He is only 14 and 2. He is autistic!!! What are you thinking??? My blood is boiling at the thought of you doing this 😡😡😡😡

My son is 25 - I can’t get this thread out of my head . It’s so sad

I’m wondering how long your child has been diagnosed and how much help you have had in understanding what the diagnosis means. His behaviour sounds classic ASD type behaviour even in high functioning young people.
You absolutely can’t leave him home alone.

Yep, it certainly sounds like there are lagging skills and probably challenges with time management and transitions (i.e. changing from being home to going away). Two courses of action come to mind: either break the task down into chunks (i.e what he needs to do first - get bag out, followed by packing in stages - underwear first, then ) or discuss with him what he is finding difficult about it and problem solve together to figure out how it can best be achieved.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

Those saying we would be breaking the law are wrong by the way, solicitors guidance says " The fact is that there is no legally defined age for when children can be left at home alone. The law simply says that you should not leave a child alone if they’ll be at risk so it is left at the parents discretion."

If something went wrong you would be in trouble. Pack his things and to on holiday as a family. He has special needs and needs support. ASD isn't a choice even if you think he is choosing.

@Timetoretiretospain I’ve just read some of OPs replies to my daughter who is 17 and our sons young carer and she is shocked by her suggestions

I'd take him but with no packing on his behalf so he realises you won't do it for him.

I wouldn't leave him home alone for a week but if it was a couple of nights and he would be ok alone I would.

For heaven’s sake woman pack his bags yourself - he is 14! He doesn’t get a choice and you are his parent. Get a grip ! He is a child and you cannot leave him just because he is being difficult.

I think the child is long gone on hols as they were due to leave this am. Plus the father prepared the bag anyway

Not sure why do many posters are up in arms at the idea that the child would be left alone as it’s clear it’s not happening

[quote linsey2581]@Timetoretiretospain I’ve just read some of OPs replies to my daughter who is 17 and our sons young carer and she is shocked by her suggestions[/quote]
It’s just awful

@Jontomsam

I’m astonished at the ignorance of ASC awareness on this thread. I despair for my ASC child I really do. 😢

I totally agree. I made a throw away comment about my DH and holidays further upthread as it's something we joke (maybe sometimes through gritted teeth!) about. But really everything here is a reminder as to why my neuro-diverse DH struggles so much in 'normal' society.

The lack of understanding and tolerance is really sad. And some of the advice is terrible e.g. advice to punish the child by removing his phone... for my DH his phone is his anchor - it reminds him of tasks, it tells the time, combined with earphones it blocks out auditory distractions. Without it, his already poor executive functions dissipate even further causing his a great deal of personal distress and self loathing.

I also love how do many posters are coming to tell the op that it’s because he isn’t managing transition etc… with no input from the op to base those assertions on.

But would be horrified at any generalisation about their own autistic dc because they are all different.

And all seem to forget that we are talking about a teenager too. Autistic but still a teenager with all their flaws.

I’m really wondering how anyone can determine of the child in question is struggling due to the autism or is just having a teenage strop (or a nice mix of both!)