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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
Peanutsandchilli · 19/10/2021 19:37

I hope to goodness that you've taken him with you.

My daughter is 17 and 'high functioning'. In reality, she can do fuck all for herself and would need me to pack for her. She'd then sit in our accommodation for the next few days and not go out at all. I'd never leave her though. She'd never cope.

Chouetted · 19/10/2021 19:39

The fact that he actually wants to go on the holiday reads to me as a strong suggestion that it's more likely to be an executive function issue than a strop.

Although he may well be also having a strop over his own inability to pack - I would have at his age. Teenagers are complicated.

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 19:40

@Peanutsandchilli

I hope to goodness that you've taken him with you.

My daughter is 17 and 'high functioning'. In reality, she can do fuck all for herself and would need me to pack for her. She'd then sit in our accommodation for the next few days and not go out at all. I'd never leave her though. She'd never cope.

The last post of the op days they are all going. Bar her who will stay at home.

Reading the OP’s posts would have put your mind at rest.

mylifestory · 19/10/2021 19:48

pack his stuff, leave vital things he needs at home like chargers. if he ask say they are already packed bt of course u have hidden them at home. He wont do it again ....

MrsLargeEmbodied · 19/10/2021 19:52

so frustrating op
my relative was the same
asd or not i think his reaction is very very common

TertiusLydgate · 19/10/2021 20:00

Blimey, who is the child here?

I assume you're joking about leaving a 14-year-old. Just pack for the poor kid ffs.

StargazerAli · 19/10/2021 20:02

He is still very young to leave and if it was my decision, the worry about him being on his own at home would ruin my holiday. Best to have him miserable with you than suffer any unexpected consequences.

Wally1983 · 19/10/2021 20:04

Of late I know of a 15yo that was left home alone for 12 days out of 21 as his mum & her husband went away..typical teen had said “I don’t want to go” and they said fine and left him at home. They’re not saying that now after he stole the car, smashed it, stole money, drugs, drink etc too.
The only reason she isn’t being charged with neglect is she was actually home the night he stole said car….then they discovered he’d driven it for a week.
Think very carefully about leaving him home alone!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 19/10/2021 20:10

Pack a tiny rucksack with absolute essentials….. no chargers etc. Tell him when he gets in you’ve packed, your f he wants anything else he’ll need to pack himself

niugboo · 19/10/2021 20:15

You’re unreasonable on every level and your post indicates a complete lack of understanding of autism and the impact.

Poor lad.

Timetoretiretospain · 19/10/2021 20:18

@niugboo

You’re unreasonable on every level and your post indicates a complete lack of understanding of autism and the impact.

Poor lad.

Yep
campion · 19/10/2021 20:29

@niugboo

You’re unreasonable on every level and your post indicates a complete lack of understanding of autism and the impact.

Poor lad.

I suspect OP is very familiar with autism and its impact on her son, on her other children, on her relationship, and, oh yes, on herself. She lives it every day so its quite likely she's up to speed, don't you think?

BTW the holiday started today so she either went or she didn't. DS was definitely going. Poor lad.

clockover · 19/10/2021 20:34

I don't think OP is 'up to speed' - the suggestion that he is perfectly capable of packing his bag suggests OP is lacking basic understanding of how autistic people 'lose' function at crucial times. I'm not denying the frustration at all, but ultimately it's one of those things you learn to deal with and prepare for over time.

Amitskitshaw · 19/10/2021 20:34

The task of packing might feel too big. Can you make a list to give him? Break it down. Pack with him. He might be feeling overwhelmed.

momtoboys · 19/10/2021 20:35

@Tigerwhocameforsupper

I would take him, but don’t pack the bag.

If he arrives there with no stuff then more fool him.

He will pack. He wouldn’t ensure his phone charger was in there unless he did!

I'm with Tiger
FuckYouCorona · 19/10/2021 20:39

What a horrendous thread. The OP reminds me of my parents who thought it was appropriate to punish the ASD out of the child. They can't switch it off to suit the occasion. The OP seriously needs to educate herself on ASD. All my DC are ASD. We didn't go on holiday because it didn't suit their needs. Shocked at the ignorance & selfishness on this, but mostly from the OP, who should know better. I honestly hope this is a troll post. Sad

RedLightGreenL1ght · 19/10/2021 20:39

No parent out there simply packs for their kids these days? Even though they're practically middle aged at 14 on here ...

My DS is nearly 15. If we are going on holiday I simply pack his clothes. With teens you need to pick your battles and I wouldn't be making the ' pack your suitcase on your own' thing the hill I chose to die on. Especially not with a child who has additional needs

Timetoretiretospain · 19/10/2021 20:49

@clockover

I don't think OP is 'up to speed' - the suggestion that he is perfectly capable of packing his bag suggests OP is lacking basic understanding of how autistic people 'lose' function at crucial times. I'm not denying the frustration at all, but ultimately it's one of those things you learn to deal with and prepare for over time.
Exactly this
earthyfire · 19/10/2021 21:11

I have a 14 year old, I would never leave him, I wouldn't want to anyway. I pack my children's clothes when we go away, and they pack a bag of things to keep them entertained. Why sweat the small stuff.

Thereluctantgrownup · 19/10/2021 21:31

Hello, social care professional here 🙋‍♀️ Whilst you, OP, are correct that there are no legal guidelines as to leaving a child home alone, there are very clear recommendations that children under the age of 16 should not be left alone overnight. Children under the age of 16 are rarely emotionally mature enough to deal with long periods alone or emergencies. Given your child has ASD, it would be highly inappropriate to leave him alone for 5 days. You say you have relatives who live 20 minutes away... a lot can go wrong in the 20 minutes it would take to get to him if needed.

Perhaps if you are really struggling with his behaviour try contacting your son's paediatrician, early help team or social care service to ask for help in managing this. Its very possible that your child actually does not understand how to pack a bag, or is finding the whole situation overwhelming. If you have been nagging at him, raising your voice or demonstrating your frustration this is likely to have further impacted on his motivation/ability to get his things ready 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plunger · 19/10/2021 22:20

Take him minus bag.

MummyMayo1988 · 19/10/2021 22:38

I definitely wouldn't have let him go to the class. I'd also block the Internet on his phone till he bucks his ideas up.
Also, pack the bag for him - but with all the clothes he hates/doesn't wear any more!
If this was DS - he'd definitely be learning a valuable lesson this week.
Good luck OP x

clockover · 19/10/2021 22:41

Expecting an autistic person to 'buck their ideas up' Hmm

I genuinely don't even know what to say Sad

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/10/2021 22:51

Gotta be honest. Most of the people in this thread suck.

Clearly the OP had hit a wall, and all the berating going has totally helped the situation, I’m sure.

Glad you’re all perfect parents with perfect kids and perfect families who have never felt liking chucking it all in. Good for you, hope you get some warm comfort from the sanctimony.

Empathy- perhaps you all ought to refresh yourselves on the concept.

HeartvsBrain · 19/10/2021 22:51

@kermitsolvestheclimate. How are you kermit? Did you go in the end, or stay at home?
You very obviously need more - or even, some - support in your everyday life, and that is not me judging you for your parenting. I have 3 (adult children), one of which has extra sn, but not thought to have ASD. As you probably know, life with nt teenagers can be a nightmare, particularly if they grow taller and stronger than you, add in a sn to that dymamic, and I would challenge any parent who has to do the majority of the care and guidance on their own, to not sometimes have their own meltdown. I know it is hard when you feel so broken kermit, but please reach out for help, your husband and GP are the first ones that need to know how exhausted and worn down you are, then your son"s specialist, and any other family and friends that you feel able to share your emotional pain and physical exhaustion with. Many families who have a child with mental health problems get offered respite, but I don't know if that happens with children on the AS, I can imagine it would be very difficult as an ASD child would probably find the change horrendous, which would of course be cruel to the child, but would probably make his family so upset too, that it just couldn't be done. So to me, the best solution that I can think of is can your DS either go and stay with Grandparents for even a few days, or an Aunt or Uncle, or close friends that he has known all his life? I don't mean while the rest of you go on a holiday that he is excited about, but that if you can get a lot more help from loved ones, particularly your DH, and hopefully some help and guidance from specialist agencies, and other families with children on the AS, then hopefully you would have enough reserves available for the whole family to go on holiday together, and for you all to be able to actually enjoy it. If none of that is possible, then I do think that your DH needs to take both children away on his own a few times a year, or even better maybe, you go away somewhere on your own, or with a friend, every so often. The fact that you need a break without either of your children occassionally is screaming out to me. Please try to make some changes that can give you both ongoing support, and the occassional complete break 💐