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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 19/10/2021 11:34

YABU and sound rather nasty. [...] Other than tell him to pack the bag what have you done to help him break the task down or organise a list etc?

RTFT. The OP has done a tick list, offered to help him, tried everything she can think of.

Why not kick the OP some more when she's down?

steppemum · 19/10/2021 11:38

@TravelLost

Sorry *@steppemum*, I really didn't mean that as a criticism.

I started my post as a response to your (which I thought was thoughtful) and then it went and took a life of its own :)

no problem.
CallyWW · 19/10/2021 12:03

Take the phone away. Do NOT bring it on the trip. He will survive.

wombatspoopcubes · 19/10/2021 12:17

@clockover

it would do autistic people good to understand that there are times that we neurotypical people really just can't deal with it anymore.

There is a lot wrong with what you say here, unfortunately I'm not good at articulating so I can't even start to explain, however I feel it's important to point out this is a Parent - Child relationship. WTF are you on about 'it would do autistic people good' Hmm OP is the fucking parent, it's literally their job to ensure they support their child and while you think OP 'can't deal with it anymore' I see a parent with a huge lack of understanding towards their own child who isn't doing much to fucking learn.

I see a parent who is exhausted. FWIW my dad is autistic, as is my brother, nephew and niece. Of course autistic people need extra support to deal with day-to-day challenges, but that doesn't mean that the parents are some kind of super heroes with endless energy to keep dealing with it. They can become burnt out and need support tgemselves and that's ok because they are human.
mrsunicorn1807 · 19/10/2021 12:27

@CallyWW

Take the phone away. Do NOT bring it on the trip. He will survive.
Yes because taking a neurodivergent child's coping item away will solve all the problems Hmmone easy way to cause a meltdown!
saleorbouy · 19/10/2021 12:33

Don't pack anything, just take him on holiday. He'll miss his charger, toiletries and clean clothes and understand that next time he travels he will need to take a more grown-up attitude and pack what he wants and needs.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/10/2021 12:41

@CallyWW

Take the phone away. Do NOT bring it on the trip. He will survive.
If the phone is used as a coping mechanism for anxiety, then that is very cruel.
Timetoretiretospain · 19/10/2021 12:47

Why do so many people want to punish this child ?

BluebellsGreenbells · 19/10/2021 12:50

Why punish? A lot of these are natural consequences- didn’t pack? No clothes,
. Didn’t bring charger, no phone.

Timetoretiretospain · 19/10/2021 12:55

@BluebellsGreenbells

Why punish? A lot of these are natural consequences- didn’t pack? No clothes, . Didn’t bring charger, no phone.
Do some reading on autism .
Butchyrestingface · 19/10/2021 12:57

I'd rather pack for him than get a conviction for child abandonment.

But if he goes and you stay home, it might give you a bit of space. Sounds like you need it.

MeredithGreyishblue · 19/10/2021 17:29

@saleorbouy

Don't pack anything, just take him on holiday. He'll miss his charger, toiletries and clean clothes and understand that next time he travels he will need to take a more grown-up attitude and pack what he wants and needs.
Would you want to do that? Go on holiday with a 14 year old and the clothes he's standing up in? Really?
Boysgrownbutstillathome · 19/10/2021 17:37

Ffs, he is autistic. He obviously can't cope with the stress involved in getting ready to go away. My son is autistic too and he too knows how to pack a bag but getting him to do it to a deadline is usually more than he can cope with. The term "High functioning" is not used any more as an autistic person can appear to be more able than they are - all sorts of things can be going on under the surface. To leave him behind would be the most cruel thing you could do. Just help the boy!

Fleshmechanic · 19/10/2021 17:43

Call a family member for him to stay with. Leave him behind and have them come by afterwards to pick him up. You can't baby him his whole life, 14 is definitely old enough to know he needs to pack his shit and get it together.

Bonkerz · 19/10/2021 17:45

@catsandhens

I know you said he has 'high functioning' autism but honestly that's often just a phrased used for 'masks well'.

A friend who is a lecturer in autism shared a post on facebook the other day around executive disfunction, autism and how hard it is to do something if the block of time you are doing it for is too far in the future.

I wont explain it well but essentially - if you don't have executive disfunction you can see you have a task to do that needs to be done for a deadline tomorrow. You know how long it takes, how many other things you have to do and how long they take and you can plan accordingly.

With executive disfunction you can only understand timelines over a shorter period of time. So for example he has gone to the class because the class is (for example) 30 minutes ahead and he can see that. However the holiday is say 20 hours ahead, so it wouldn't make sense to pack before the class and he cannot calculate the time needed and slot it in, because he doesn't see the "timeline" the way you do.

(sorry that's explained badly)

But essentially - he could be being lazy, cant be bothered etc. Or he could be genuinely unable to understand packing now for an activity x hours ahead. Therefore he may need some coping mechanisms to deal with this.

Either way you cant leave a 14 year old at home along whilst you go on holiday. But you definitely cant leave a 14 year old with possible executive disfunction at home alone and punish them for their autism 'high functioning' or otherwise

This is a great explanation! Asd makes them think differently and nagging won't help at all because then the oppositional and defiance part creeps in and the fight or flight.
janice511 · 19/10/2021 17:55

A wise friend with a teenager advised me
'pick your battles' , I've stood by this with my Dd, and if something really needed doing and she wouldn't do it then I did it to avoid arguments.
I was almost certain she would cope fine when she left home for uni, and she is indeed fending for herself. Protect your mental health, and save yourself from pointless battles as long as no harm will result.

Bunchymcbunchface · 19/10/2021 17:56

Pack his bag
With the Molliest (unfashionable) clothes you can find
T shirts that are too small, jeans he hates etc
Then shrug and say ‘should’ve packed it yourself - I thought you liked those clothes’

sgtmajormum · 19/10/2021 18:01

If your son us ASD then this is exactly the kind of executive function skills that he needs help with! My 14yo (also ASD) can't pack a bag to save his life. Instead we do it together, which is very painful for me, but helps him learn how/what to pack

Chocolatehamper · 19/10/2021 18:04

@EatYourVegetables

YABU.

Especially if he has ASD. It sounds like he is struggling with some executive functioning and long term planning, and might be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task of packing. You could talk to him to figure out the root of the problem, or help him construct a packing strategy, or help him deal with whatever is stopping him. You know, do some parenting, especially in the light of the ASD, rather than just threaten!

^

This.

Tzimi · 19/10/2021 18:10

Remember that movie Home Alone?

Yohugsy · 19/10/2021 18:10

Take him with his empty bag. Simple.

Warmduscher · 19/10/2021 18:13

@Yohugsy

Take him with his empty bag. Simple.
Really? So you think he should wear the same clothes he travels in, for five days of a holiday?

How do you imagine that panning out, then?

NeonTetras · 19/10/2021 18:16

He's 14. He's old enough to stay on his own for 5 days. If he doesn't want to go, don't force him. He is definitely old enough to stay home.

Mumontour85 · 19/10/2021 18:16

Ummm... are you actually asking if you should leave your 14 Yr old home alone for an extended stretch of time??! Jokes.
You should have canx his class sure, but that's done now.
I would pack his bag, but make sure it is all old/ 'uncool' stuff to teach him a lesson that's actually appropriate for a child! He'll be sooo stroppy if you don't include his fave hood etc.!

toxic44 · 19/10/2021 18:19

My autistic DP is like this. Really wants to go, cannot get himself together to do the prep. I do the basics, say nothing and leave him to it. Last minute panic, almost dragged kicking and screaming into the car. Once we're on the road and he's being navigator, he's fine. And he's an adult, not 14yrs old. The more you get excited, the less your DS can do. It's the autistic sense of balancing things. It's exhausting for everyone involved.