Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

We left our 16 year old at home this summer, for the first time he didn't want to come on a family holiday wit us. After 1 day he was desperate to join us on holiday, being home alone wasn't as much fun as he thought. Thankfully it was a staycation so he could join us a day late by train.
IMO 14 is a bit young.

@IntermittentParps

Your poor husband What, because he's packing a bag for his kid.? Jesus wept. People on here are being twats. The OP is at the end of her rope.

No because he’s got a partner who is behaving very badly.

This thread has demonstrated that there's minimal support out there for parents in the OP's shoes.

It's been a greater demonstration of the sheer lack of understanding of autism.

I have a 16 year old with ASD and he's also high functioning. He drives me mad at times too and would certainly not manage packing by himself.
I wouldn't ever leave him while we went on holiday though as I think he'd feel rejected, and alone and wouldn't cope.
I think it would also be damaging for his self esteem too.
I think leaving a child with special needs at home alone is extremely risky as our children can be unpredictable and if there was an accident or some other disaster they may not know what to do or may deal with it differently to how we'd expect. If there was an accident then social services could easily become involved as leaving a 'vulnerable' child alone for 5 days could be considered neglect.

It's really important to look after yourself when you have a child with special needs. Mindfulness has helped me loads as has anti anxiety medication and counselling.

Maverick

You mean you had a UK break? Isn't a staycation when you stay at home but do day trips like you're a tourist?

I would not say that this thread has shown the lack of support available it has done the opposite and minimised the impact of ASD. Linking HF with mild disabilities/low needs.

@clockover

This thread has demonstrated that there's minimal support out there for parents in the OP's shoes.

It's been a greater demonstration of the sheer lack of understanding of autism.

As a mum of an autistic person I can agree that there is not enough support for parents . However I am appalled that any parent of a disabled CHILD would consider leaving them At home because they cannot pack a bag. A core difficulty of autism is executive function . This child cannot yet pack a bag . Why would anyone then think it’s ok to punish them by leaving them at home ?

@WTF475878237NC

Maverick

You mean you had a UK break? Isn't a staycation when you stay at home but do day trips like you're a tourist?

Staycation used to mean staying at home. How ever people who seem to feel that it isn’t a proper holiday if you don’t go abroad have changed the meaning. UK holidays are the norm for many people (who would not refer to it as a ‘staycation’)

Scary how many people say they would leave a 14 year old home alone for a few days.

@clockover hear hear!

@imip

I have two autistic teens and an autistic 9yo. They are considered high functioning, however, it is really not a linear scale and high functioning autistic people may still not be able to live independently or work.

One of my dc, in particular, finds travel very difficult. It really ruined trips for us because at that point we didn’t understand her anxiety and she was not diagnosed. We still have troubles now, but for long journeys I have to make a personalised itinerary - like a social story of where we are staying and what we are doing - with pictures - to help her. Her opposition to going is really just her anxiety.

Dd does look back fondly on trips, but she will still be very anxious for future trips.

I think you need to look a bit closer into what his behaviour is saying to you. Being a parent of. Child with SN can be really challenging but or leave him home alone at 15 feels very wrong. My 14yo would love to be left home along, but their is just no way.

this 100%.

dd is 14 next month and getting an ASD diagnosis.

For years we went to the same place. So it was very routine. I could give her a list and she packed perfectly. No problem, very together and organised

Then Covid hit, so we went to Wales for a week last year and Yorkshire this year.
The week before we left for Wales was a nightmare, and I only realised about 24 hours ahead that it was the going to an unknown place that was causing it. We sat down, I showed her a map, and google map photos etc etc and talked through where she would sleep and what it would be like.
Each day on holiday we needed to check in with her about the plans for the day.
She was fine, enjoyed the holiday.
This year, before we went to Yorkshire, same again. Massive melt down and panic attacks, we sat down and I reminded her about wales, and we talked through her distress at the unknown, helping her to understand why she felt so anxious, and we started scaffolding her so she was able to go.

Parents of children with SN are saints. I have an adult DD with anxiety and depression ( not SN) and am at the end of my rope, so can only imagine.... @steppemum I commend your patience and scaffolding.

I guess OP has left the thread by now, but I think it would be better if you went to the SN board for some support as it seems like you need it.

When ds was 15 1/2 we left him on his own at home from Sat am to Tuesday evening. My best friend lives within spitting distance. My mum came and got him on Sunday and took him for Sunday lunch, and he was working all day Saturday.
He did not wnat to come with us to the event we were going to, and was delighted to be left behind.

I was crucified on Mumsnet who thought the police and social services would arrest me.

There is a huge difference though between 14 and 16

[quote toolazytothinkofausername]@CampagVelocet The final straw for what? Having a child with Autism? Too much of an inconvenience? Too much extra work? Better to leave them at home?[/quote]
Final straw of doing it all with no support maybe?
Final straw of constantky trying to find ways to help her ds, new ways to help him so that his siblings are not mssing iout because his iwn difficulties maybe/
Final straw for not having a supportive DH maybe? (I noticed she is never mentioning him or him helping her when packing the house when on hols for example)

Teenagers can be hard work.
People with autism can be hard work.
Whatever other issues happening in the OP's life can make things hard work.

Nothing to do with the child been an inconveinece. Just a parent struggling with their child like the thousands others on this site. Unless of course you are thinking that mothers are never allowed to struggle with their dcs

@steppemum, I think that knowing how to approach things with your dc (regardless what sort of SN or not SN they have) is making thiings easier.

I also think it's STILL making things harder than it 'nomally' would be.

It's not the doing it once in the year for a holiday that is the issue of course. It's the constant reorganisation, thinking ahead, planning, supporting. I think that that extra work needs to be recognised.

Because most mothers will put all the work in (the way you so nicely describe) for the benefit of the child but very often, they are at the bottom of the pile and get very little recovery time for themselves. Time to replenish so they can, once again, do all those things.

As the saying goes: 'You can't pour from an empty cup'.

Staycation google definition: a holiday spent in one's home country rather than abroad, or one spent at home and involving day trips to local attractions.

We holidayed in the UK, but about 5h drive from where we live. That fits the definition of a staycation.

@Maverick197

Staycation google definition: a holiday spent in one's home country rather than abroad, or one spent at home and involving day trips to local attractions.

We holidayed in the UK, but about 5h drive from where we live. That fits the definition of a staycation.

For most people, that fits the description of a 'holiday'.

Especially for those who never go abroad.

[quote TravelLost]@steppemum, I think that knowing how to approach things with your dc (regardless what sort of SN or not SN they have) is making thiings easier.

I also think it's STILL making things harder than it 'nomally' would be.

It's not the doing it once in the year for a holiday that is the issue of course. It's the constant reorganisation, thinking ahead, planning, supporting. I think that that extra work needs to be recognised.

Because most mothers will put all the work in (the way you so nicely describe) for the benefit of the child but very often, they are at the bottom of the pile and get very little recovery time for themselves. Time to replenish so they can, once again, do all those things.

As the saying goes: 'You can't pour from an empty cup'.[/quote]
really not sure what you are trying to say to me?

My post to OP was not critical, but simply an example of how executive function can work/not work in high functioning kids.

Feels liek you are trying to tell me off for something, but I don't know what

@TravelLost
It's refreshing to read your measured and insightful posts after so many - not all, by any means - self righteous criticisms of a mother clearly frustrated beyond reason and just venting. Thank you.

YABU and sound rather nasty. Packing a bag may not seem a big deal but for someone with ASD it can be overwhelming and at 14 I absolutely still pack my DS bag for holiday as I know he struggles with it.

Obviously you cannot leave a 14 year old alone over night especially one with additional needs.

Other than tell him to pack the bag what have you done to help him break the task down or organise a list etc?

My 18 ASD son struggles with packing too and can be a royal PITA.
He was moving out a few weekends ago and day after day I asked him to start packing. The day of him leaving home was so stressful due to his inactivity and packing became a team sport.

I'm sorry you've decided not to go on your holiday. I hope you feel less stressed soon.

No because he’s got a partner who is behaving very badly.
Because she's at the end of her tether.

@WTF475878237NC

Maverick

You mean you had a UK break? Isn't a staycation when you stay at home but do day trips like you're a tourist?

YES! This really annoys me. It suggests UK holidays are cheaper/more accessible/less good than going overseas. It's inaccurate and quite offensive.

Sorry @steppemum, I really didn't mean that as a criticism.

I started my post as a response to your (which I thought was thoughtful) and then it went and took a life of its own :)

@Angel2702, I have to sy, i'd like to know what the FATHER has done to help his ds getting ready.

Because it's all well and good to step in as the 'saviour of the day' but what really matters (as you rightly pointed out) is what is done before hand by BOTh parents.