Lying to someone on their deathbed?

[Nc4post99]

What’s everyone’s take on lying to someone on their death bed? As a general principle and then in this specific incident listed below.

My personal view is it’s wrong, but what about the pretence to make the dying person happy? I still feel this is wrong and shows a lack of respect for the dying person and there are many other ways to leave a loved one with fond memories than a lie.

Person in question lies to a family member on their death bed about gaining a snr military position straight out the gate, bought from eBay the kit to sell the lie. Person In question did not know the family member would die, it v much came out of the blue. Now the family member has passed, the person in question is maintaining the lie and wearing the uniform etc.

Person in question has a history of being a pathological liar and weaving these sort of intricate tales to vulnerable elderly family members and financially gaining due how how ‘proud’ they were of him. I’m talking in the £000s, cars bought etc not a £5/£10 here and there.

Honestly, I wouldn't agree to 'keep up the presence'. Perhaps I'd agree not to actually call family members and tell them it's all a lie, but I certainly wouldn't 'corroborate' his claims. And if someone said something to me about him I'd tell them the truth.

presence = pretense !!!

Report him to the police for impersonating a mitary officer. Report him to the regiment he supposedly joined. Then put it out of your head as it is not really your business. Not sure why this is on here anyway except maybe you want the attention...

@Mirw

Report him to the police for impersonating a mitary officer. Report him to the regiment he supposedly joined. Then put it out of your head as it is not really your business. Not sure why this is on here anyway except maybe you want the attention...

❤️ what a babe.

Definitely sure my parents and their death are my business though! Esp when I’m being asked to corroborate the lie now and the lie clearly impacted and continues to impact some v vulnerable people that I care about deeply

Lol it is OPs business, it’s her own brother being a fantasist (and conman basically) and her family are going along with the bullshit.

Op I’m not sure there’s anything you can do because half of the problem is that the rest of your family are happily going along with it. They’re adults, they can make their own decision. To me, I think being lied to about something that big is a slap in the face. But sadly some people will choose to play along to keep the peace.

All you can do is not play along yourself but your brother probably won’t like you for it.

My gut is truthfully telling me to go NC with my brother as he’s a dangerous man. I mean that in terms of not just the lying and delusions and his unwavering commitment to them, but the violence and theft too. After all it takes a real ‘special’ kid of guy to steal from a pensioner and assault a chemo patient. My late DF didn’t like to be treated like a fool or have the wool pulled over his eyes so what my ‘brother’ did was a final act of incredible disrespect and I’m not sure I can look him in the eye again. It does seem very final but in truth, I’m Not sure it’s even possible to have a real (sibling) relationship with someone like that. I think I’d been living under the delusion he’d changed but assaulting me whilst pregnant and this latest cascade of lies proves he hasn’t, and I doubt ever will.

I’ve done it. I had an elderly Covid patient when the hospital was completely closed to visitors. He was dying but still fairly alert at this point, his granddaughter was in early labour with his first great-grandchild but it was unlikely that he would be able to hold on long enough for the baby to be born. He was asking and asking and asking if the baby had been born yet, then predictably took a turn for the worse and was actively dying so we told him the baby had been born, and showed him a picture of a random newborn. He died a proud and happy man and I have absolutely no regrets about what we did.

Wow! What will you do OP?

@Nc4post99

My gut is truthfully telling me to go NC with my brother as he’s a dangerous man. I mean that in terms of not just the lying and delusions and his unwavering commitment to them, but the violence and theft too. After all it takes a real ‘special’ kid of guy to steal from a pensioner and assault a chemo patient. My late DF didn’t like to be treated like a fool or have the wool pulled over his eyes so what my ‘brother’ did was a final act of incredible disrespect and I’m not sure I can look him in the eye again. It does seem very final but in truth, I’m Not sure it’s even possible to have a real (sibling) relationship with someone like that. I think I’d been living under the delusion he’d changed but assaulting me whilst pregnant and this latest cascade of lies proves he hasn’t, and I doubt ever will.

I think NC is absolutely the right thing to do. He's a useless, harmful piece of shit. I wouldn't make an announcement to the family or send any final messages to him. I'd simply block him from any possible way of contacting me.

If you do go NC will your vulnerable relatives be able to stay in touch with you or will he put pressure on them to 'cut you off' if he realizes you no longer acknowledge his existence?

We talk so infrequently @AcrossthePond55 that he wouldn’t notice, it would be a case of no longer doing x mas and bday cards and gifts, and declining his wedding invite (if we’re actually invited that is) so there’d be no need to have big conversation about it, but family wouldn’t understand, especially seeing as my mother now doesn’t want to ‘embarrass’ him by keeping up with the lie. This will mean DFs siblings too, which I think is disgraceful.

As you can probably tell from pps, he’s the ‘golden child’ and can do no wrong in my mother’s eyes and I’m the ‘baddie’ for pointing out his lie and motivations. This has happened over his whole life and is probably the reason his behaviour has escalated to this level. I don’t think he’d pressure GM and M to cut contact because he only really speaks to them if he wants/ needs anything anyway.

^oops NC above

@Sleeplessem

We talk so infrequently *@AcrossthePond55* that he wouldn’t notice, it would be a case of no longer doing x mas and bday cards and gifts, and declining his wedding invite (if we’re actually invited that is) so there’d be no need to have big conversation about it, but family wouldn’t understand, especially seeing as my mother now doesn’t want to ‘embarrass’ him by keeping up with the lie. This will mean DFs siblings too, which I think is disgraceful.

As you can probably tell from pps, he’s the ‘golden child’ and can do no wrong in my mother’s eyes and I’m the ‘baddie’ for pointing out his lie and motivations. This has happened over his whole life and is probably the reason his behaviour has escalated to this level. I don’t think he’d pressure GM and M to cut contact because he only really speaks to them if he wants/ needs anything anyway.

That must be so painful for you.

I'd still say nothing and go NC and cross the wedding invite issue when/if it happens. There are probably any number of excuses you'll be able to come up with at the time. Your mum already knows how you feel about him so does anything really need to be said to her at this point?

I guess you could always go 'LC' with him as far as no direct contact (cards, gifts etc) and only see him if there's a family function you can't/don't want to avoid.

I say report them to the police. It's illegal to lie about having served in the military for financial gain, and given this person's past you have good reason to suspect financial gain is what they're after.

So restarting this back up.

After having told my mother that he’s not in the navy and it’s a lie with all the facts I’ve been told here on this thread, at work and corroborated by the navy. She asked him about it and Christ even knows what said but he’s twisted it into an ‘I’m jealous’ scenario and convinced her and elderly GM that he is in fact in the navy and I’m lying.

I am worried about how naive they are and how compelling his lies must be, and how he clearly won’t stop at anything but equally I don’t know if o can/ should do anything else. My mother is now berating me as the liar and I’m getting constant flack to admit that I’m lying and made it all up to get one over on him. I’m married with kids and a career ain’t no one got time for that. Im at a loss.

I’d put her on the spot and say I’ll apologise to him if he shows a payslip.

But… mostly I’d walk away from the lot of them. You won’t persuade her if she doesn’t want to believe.

Or maybe start turning up to family events dressed as a pirate, Napoleon, Admiral Lord Nelson… mix it up!

For all my flippancy though, I’m sorry you’re related to this shitshow.

@AdobeWanKenobi

My take would be to drop these guys a message personally...

thewaltercumpershunterclub.wordpress.com

Beat me to it Adobe

Your brother sounds dangerous.

You say your grandma is closer to your late DF's siblings. Can you contact them to warn them that your brother is lying and he might try to extort your grandma?

Your mum is lashing out at you because she doesn't want to believe her darling boy is lying. She glossed over his theft, his violence, his years of previous crimes; did you really think she'd believe you now? She's never going to believe the worst of him. Some mums refuse to see the bad in their sons. There is no evidence you could present her that would make her believe you. Sadly she is a lost cause, but your uncles and aunts won't be so blinded by maternal love, they can protect your grandma.

well its a lie to con and deceive , not a white kind lie so yes its very wrong

Yeah you’re spot on @FrenchieFromGrease don’t know why I expected her to believe me, even though it’s common sense and so abundantly clear it’s all bollox. He’d kill a man and there’d be an excuse.

I think I’ll have to tell Dfs brother and let him tell her, problem is I’m not particularly close to him, and most likely my mother will go utterly ballistic at me and probably tell my uncle I’m lying all the crap my brother has fed her. He’s a smart guy though so hopefully he can apply some common sense to the situation.

This doesn’t seem real it’s that ludicrous

@Cocomarine

For all my flippancy though, I’m sorry you’re related to this shitshow.

Me too @Cocomarine, me too! X

Some mothers are like that. I was ostracised in my own family for 'lying about my uncle being a wife beater', despite said uncle confessing, being charged and serving a prison sentence for attacking his (now ex) wife...

Just lay out the cold hard facts to your uncle and let him draw his own conclusions. Say "I am just contacting you because I'm worried about Grandma. I believe is lying about joining the Army and he's using this to defraud people. There is no way he could have joined the army in X time frame. Basic training takes Y months and he was living in that whole time. He still works at Z restaurant. He bought a uniform from ebay and has been using it to impersonate an officer, while also saying he is working undercover military intelligence after only X months in the service. His story doesn't add up. My mum refuses to believe he's lying, but I wanted to let you know in case he asks you or grandma for loans for his 'military career'."

I'm sure your uncle will listen, he will want to look out for your grandma.

Please keep yourself safe though. Sociopaths hate anyone disrupting their lies.

Think you’re spot on, DU is an intelligent guy too, he must know something didn’t sound right In his stories, probably just didn’t want to humiliate him.

I think I might have to wash my hands with my mother, in the larger sense. Brother was always the ‘golden child’ or the ‘good child’ and I the ‘scape coated one’ (not in the ive got a huge chip on my shoulder sense but I’ve had counselling and apparently it’s v common In abusive households) this is clearly an extension of that.

I don’t think you can do anything about this op. Your mum etc are almost as invested in the lies as your brother is. I think that expecting all of them to hold their hands up and admit it’s all made up bullshit is unrealistic. Your brother has put them in a situation where they don’t dare ask for the truth.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling them you think he’s talking rubbish, if it comes up. but going further and trying them to share your opinion is a waste of time and will just trigger more antagonistic behaviour from your brother. It’s not like dealing with a normal person who has told a porkie.

I am so frustrated for you OP, there are so many ways he can prove his status....

I'd prob still contact the Walter Mitty folk.