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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lying to someone on their deathbed?

205 replies

Nc4post99 · 18/10/2021 11:11

What’s everyone’s take on lying to someone on their death bed? As a general principle and then in this specific incident listed below.

My personal view is it’s wrong, but what about the pretence to make the dying person happy? I still feel this is wrong and shows a lack of respect for the dying person and there are many other ways to leave a loved one with fond memories than a lie.

Person in question lies to a family member on their death bed about gaining a snr military position straight out the gate, bought from eBay the kit to sell the lie. Person In question did not know the family member would die, it v much came out of the blue. Now the family member has passed, the person in question is maintaining the lie and wearing the uniform etc.

Person in question has a history of being a pathological liar and weaving these sort of intricate tales to vulnerable elderly family members and financially gaining due how how ‘proud’ they were of him. I’m talking in the £000s, cars bought etc not a £5/£10 here and there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 19/10/2021 18:41

@Beastieboys

Well impersonating military personnel is illegal for starters......

This is someone who stole £10k+ worth of jewellery from his mother and pension money from his grandmother. Morals aren’t his strong suit

OP posts:

Bleachmycloths · 19/10/2021 18:45

Omg I couldn’t upset someone on their death bed. Let them die in peace.

Fluffmum · 19/10/2021 19:12

Well that’s a bit more than a white lie!!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2021 19:32

Telling a lie to ease a dying person's passing is fine with me, as long as it wouldn't be harmful if anyone else was to hear it.

'Stolen Valor' is despicable. I'm in the US so no idea of the law in the UK. Here you can wear uniform and lie to civilians with impunity. It's only illegal if you try to commit actual fraud or gain a 'tangible benefit'. Or, of course, if you try to access 'military only' facilities.

Smashingspinster · 19/10/2021 19:40

My mother was dying. We did not tell her that her younger sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel fine about that. Mum also asked me repeatedly why my older sister was not there more often. I lied and said I thought she had a lot on and was trying to juggle those things. I could have said my older sister is selfish and inconsiderate and avoids any situation where she may be asked to do something. What would have been the point of that? I feel fine about that lie too. My mum was not really asking for info, she wanted reassurance. And that is what I gave her. However, the behaviour you report - violence, pathological lying and buying military kit is way beyond normal behaviour and does not seem to be done for the benefit of the dying person. Very concerning, wonder if the liar has a personality disorder.

Suzanne999 · 19/10/2021 19:57

I think there’s a vast difference in lying to a dying person to make them feel more peaceful —- e.g. of course I’ll invite Auntie Joan to your memorial —- when Auntie Joan died years ago but the person soon to pass has dementia. And lying to someone, dying or not, to gain money or other favours.
Sounds like the person you know would lie to anyone, in any situation, to benefit them self.
Probably nothing you can do, pathological liars are just that. I went out with one for a while, years ago. When I found out later that one thing he’d told me was true I was gobsmacked, he’d lied about everything else.

Christinatherabbit · 19/10/2021 19:57

I don't really get the story. So the person in question didn't lie to someone on their death bed, just lied to get some sort of praise and financial reward, then the person they lied to sadly died but they are still walking around in a military outfit they bought off ebay. Is this person a family member? Does everyone else in the family not bring it up or ask them what on earth they are doing 🤔

tiffanyshoes · 19/10/2021 20:08

Lying to somebody not on deathbed is worse. If person is about to go imminently l, i dont see the harm.

Once you're gone, you're gone.

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 19/10/2021 20:52

@Christinatherabbit

It’s complicated as the deceased had been chronically ill for a long while (cancer, stage 3 and multi organ failure, that was for a while stable). During lockdown in and out of hospital, due to the pandemic no treatment plan was in place and he was just stabilised and bounced out, hence in and out. The last hosptialisation he was in ITU on life support, medical term warned he might not recover, but he had a miraculous and ultimately short lived recovery for a few days when medics were marvelling and talking about discharge to ward, then rapid deterioration over a few days. It was a horrible horrible shock. The military lie had been sewn prior to the last hospitalisation, and then during the days where it looked like he recovered and was getting discharged it was then that the ‘uniform’ was donned and the rank of commanding lieutenant announced. My sibling is still maintaining that he is going to be starting in the military imminently, has yet to have the commendation address, yet is attending counter terrorism briefings.

It’s my brother. My family have 0 connections to the military in any way so are quite blissfully ignorant by way of policy, procedure and rank. He’s a good bullshitter when you don’t know the facts. There is really only my mother and elderly grandmother left, they very much want to believe him and think he may have exaggerated for my fathers benefit knowing he was dying ( well I can’t see how he knew when he started this charade before he was hospitalised for the last time and even when I was in itu there was a good while it looked like recovery was on the cards). They don’t believe he had sinister motivations and come up with really odd reasons why he’s continuing the lie (they mainly think he was exaggerating rank rather than flat out lying, the badges have fooled them). They know his character and each time he’s done things like this they make a lot of excuses for him, i think it’s a question of ‘wanting’ to believe someone’s changed.

Extended family, not that close with, have no reason not to believe him, like they have no reason not to believe me when I say where I work etc.

OP posts:

nannykatherine · 19/10/2021 21:02

This person is a narcissist with grandiosity tendanciels …
Beware

calvados · 19/10/2021 21:04

This person has a serious personality disorder and needs professional help.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/10/2021 21:09

Nc4post99 The more you write, the more it's obvious he's lying. I am so sorry.

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 19/10/2021 21:22

Thank you @TurquoiseDragon!

I’m not a psychiatrist but I’m pretty confident that he has Antisocial personality disorder and is either a sociopath or a psychopath because he’s also incredibly manipulative

OP posts:

Yogawankonobi · 19/10/2021 21:26

‘ This is someone who stole £10k+ worth of jewellery from his mother and pension money from his grandmother. Morals aren’t his strong suit’

Did you go to the police about these things?

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 19/10/2021 21:32

@Yogawankonobi

‘ This is someone who stole £10k+ worth of jewellery from his mother and pension money from his grandmother. Morals aren’t his strong suit’

Did you go to the police about these things?

The ratbag actually tried to blame me @Yogawankonobi even though I was no where in the area at the time the jewellery went missing (I live about 300 miles away). Both times excuses were made for him under ‘forgive and forget’ he was also in his mid 20s when he did these things

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 19/10/2021 21:35

A lie is a lie. No need to give it a colour.

tickledtiger · 19/10/2021 21:50

The truth is important.

Obviously there is a place for white lies. But I will say that people can often see through lies but are too polite/CBA to say anything. People will just call you a bullshitter behind your back.

I have a relative who is a bullshitter. He lies about his career, seemingly just to make himself look more interesting which is sad. He also tells white lies like there’s no tomorrow, he will look you right in the eyes and lie about the most trivial things. I hate it, you feel like you’re being treated like an idiot. I think he’s avoided getting close to anyone who would tell him straight up he’s full of rubbish, so as a result he’s just gone on like this for years lying with confidence.

your brother sounds like an actual conman though. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

AnnieSnap · 19/10/2021 22:23

@JustLyra

Lying to con someone out of money is wrong.

Lying as in a white lie to let someone die with peace isn’t a bad thing.

My ex and I lied to my nana when she was very close to the end. Our home had been flooded, we were massively underinsured and massively in the shit. We outright lied that it was all sorted and that we were happy and secure.

This 👆

MummyMayo1988 · 19/10/2021 22:42

Telling the truth - for the sake of not lying - and hurting someone's feelings in the process is, in my opinion, horrible.

wentworthinmate · 19/10/2021 23:54

That's not lying, that's criminal!

Mamanyt · 19/10/2021 23:56

I remember a friend of mine, who worked in a home for Alzheimer's patients, sitting with a dying client for HOURS, pretending to be her son, who never came to see her. THAT kind of lie, I think, is kinda of wonderful. She died thinking that her son was with her, finally. They had been estranged for over 40 years.

But what your relative did, and does, is another thing, indeed, and the family may need to step in!

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 20/10/2021 09:46

So update: I spoke to my mother about the lie, she’s somewhat acknowledging it’s a lie but thinks he is only hurting himself by lying and because it was announced in my fathers eulogy we should keep up the pretence when asked about it as to not humiliate him. This extends to elderly GM (late DFs mother) as it could upset her. She will not acknowledge that it was used to take money from DF (even though it clearly was, sibling in the past year made several v v expensive purchases think large deposit on house, engagement ring, brand new luxe car, wedding, he was in significant debt 5 years ago I’m talking thousands and thousands of £, also he’s not earned more than 23k a year and those purchases in one year are easily more than 60k, so it’s just common sense).

I feel as though I’ve done my duty and informed my immediate family of his lies, but enough is enough from him. I do not want a relationship with someone this manipulative and cold. No big falling out required, just no contact moving forward.

How would you deal with a relative like this? (Bearing in mind he’s violent too, and steals, if we know we are going to be in the same place as him we never have cash, DH keeps all the cards on him at all times on the advice of my parents as to not ‘tempt’ him. Sibling is in his 30s.)

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 20/10/2021 10:16

You’ve done the right thing telling your mother you know it’s a lie, and pulling away from him completely.

Who on earth included it in the eulogy?!!

Do you think your grandmother will give him money because of this? If yes, and you expect him to extort her, I wouldn’t let it lie so easily with your mother.

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 20/10/2021 10:27

Luckily paternal GM has more contact with DFs siblings due to where they live so she’s more limited with sibling and as she is elderly she’s not savvy with online banking, live abroad etc. DFs siblings are also quite generous so they may well ‘reward’ ‘d’ b as a way of honouring DF, you know recognising the accomplishment.

Mother included it in the eulogy, it was a bit of a (rubbish if I’m honest) overview of DFs life and proudest accomplishments, this military news was hailed as like the biggie as it was the most recent. Not sure if sibling had intended the news to be wider spread or if it was more of a localised deception and now he has to commit to the lie? Or if he’d told his in laws and wife to be the same shit… not sure

OP posts:

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 20/10/2021 11:19

Is it worth speaking to the police about this or even an anonymous letter to the appropriate military authority?

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