Lying to someone on their deathbed?

[Nc4post99]

What’s everyone’s take on lying to someone on their death bed? As a general principle and then in this specific incident listed below.

My personal view is it’s wrong, but what about the pretence to make the dying person happy? I still feel this is wrong and shows a lack of respect for the dying person and there are many other ways to leave a loved one with fond memories than a lie.

Person in question lies to a family member on their death bed about gaining a snr military position straight out the gate, bought from eBay the kit to sell the lie. Person In question did not know the family member would die, it v much came out of the blue. Now the family member has passed, the person in question is maintaining the lie and wearing the uniform etc.

Person in question has a history of being a pathological liar and weaving these sort of intricate tales to vulnerable elderly family members and financially gaining due how how ‘proud’ they were of him. I’m talking in the £000s, cars bought etc not a £5/£10 here and there.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Exactly what uniform is he wearing?

(Getting hold of uniform can be pretty easy. Just walk into a Surplus shop.)

Blue short sleeve shirt with a few badges on the front and on the arm of the shirt a badge with 2 or 3 lines and a circle or semi Circle about it. Sorry I quite recall precise detail, I’ve not knowledge of the Military at all

I think sobbing and confessing all your darkest secrets to someone as they are dying is incredibly selfish and self indulgent.

That isn't Army uniform. RAF maybe (my knowledge isn't as good on that)

This one?

If he's wearing blue then he's pretending to be RAF and they don't have Lieutenants

@knittingaddict

He’s not in the army or any military he’s claiming it to people with no knowledge of the armed forces

So he's done no form of military training at all? That wasn't clear from the posts I read. What does he do for a job then? Close family believe him?

Sorry, One of those when it seems clear in your own head.

No prior military experience not even cadets in school or anything. Worked as a waiter for a while and then got a job in a computer shop and now back to being a waiter

@ThreeB

This one?

If he's wearing blue then he's pretending to be RAF and they don't have Lieutenants

Nope it was gold in colour, i think it might have been a navy badge. The shirt was a pale ish blue, the background to the badge was navy and the lines were gold

I don't think it matters. Being truthful or a liar is something that you are. Whether you do it to someone on their death bed or continue it through life - they're both the same to me.
The person dying won't care and won't know it was a lie so it has no extra weight imo that they lied to someone who was dying.
If you were close to the person who died, then I think you should focus on grieving and not on this nonsense. It won't help and is just a distraction from the grief and healing that you need

OP if you like to send me any pics I'll happily have a look. A 2Lt would be straight from entry.... Regular army is 12 months at Sandhurst but I think the reserves Officer Trg is only 6 weeks.....

Your sewn on insignia seems strange through.... We have them sewn straights onto our ceremonial jackets but officers are badges attached to the lapels..... Any other type of uniform is a rank slide which is removable.

@1stTimeMama

That is being what's called a Walt, or Walter Mitty, and a special kind of hatred is reserved for these people by those who have actually served in the forces. And deservedly so. As for lying to someone on their death bed, I don't believe it matters, it's not like they're going remember it, is it?

Yikes! For me depends on the lie, the difference between a little white one and bold face hideous lie, it’s about respect for that person not about whether they’ll remember or not. I wouldn’t want my last thoughts in this world to be lies.

The story about ceremonies after joining the military is absolute bullocks. I have 2 family members who have completed their military training (one in the British Army and the other in the RAF ) and both have had passing out parades , albeit with smaller audiences since the pandemic started.

If this person is intending to, or has, defrauded the deceased persons estate they need reporting to the police.

How very strange. This is about a lot more than just lying to someone on their deathbed isn’t it? It’s evolving into a psychological thriller.

That is truly bizarre and a con.

It's one thing telling the dying person it to make them happy before they passed but horrible to keep it going and to con others out of money and gifts.

I'm all for a kindness to someone who is passing though.

@knittingaddict I don't understand why that situation makes you so angry? what works for my family wont work for yours. My Dad was more than OK with it, you wouldn't be OK with it, different strokes for different folks.
My Dad was a priest and regularly held confession and absolved people of their sins and gave countless hundreds upon hundreds of last rites. So he was OK with that. I hope that makes you feel Less angry. My Dad had done things in the last few years of his life he was ashamed of (Nothing to do with the priesthood or stealing money or little kids) and apologized to me and said he was sorry if he'd let me down. I told him there was nothing to forgive. We had that relationship so I knew it was ok to talk to him.

I was about to say I think it can be kind, but I was thinking when I told my very old and catholic granny that I was in the Catholic Union at University to stop her worrying about me going to hell, not pretending to be a veteran?!

@CombatBarbie

OP if you like to send me any pics I'll happily have a look. A 2Lt would be straight from entry.... Regular army is 12 months at Sandhurst but I think the reserves Officer Trg is only 6 weeks.....

Your sewn on insignia seems strange through.... We have them sewn straights onto our ceremonial jackets but officers are badges attached to the lapels..... Any other type of uniform is a rank slide which is removable.

@CombatBarbie the person stated that they’d be rushed in with no military experience to the rank of lieutenant. I think in the navy. Was stated it was a commanding position (I don’t know what this means) and that they’d been given their uniform prior to starting as ‘a favour’. They said they’d been fast tracked through the grad scheme due to excellent test scores.

I did look it up as it seemed odd and in the navy grad scheme you make lieutenant based on merit after around 3 years.

Why are you putting so much energy into this? Do you want to claim some kind of fraud to question the will? Because if it's about respect for the person who died, I don't think this is the way to respect their memory.

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

I don't think it matters. Being truthful or a liar is something that you are. Whether you do it to someone on their death bed or continue it through life - they're both the same to me. The person dying won't care and won't know it was a lie so it has no extra weight imo that they lied to someone who was dying. If you were close to the person who died, then I think you should focus on grieving and not on this nonsense. It won't help and is just a distraction from the grief and healing that you need

I was close to them, very much so. Loved them dearly and it hurts that they were conned out of what looks like tens of thousands. My concern is that the rouse is continuing and potentially taking money from other vulnerable and grieving family members such as the deceased siblings, one of whom wrote a cheque for £500 upon hearing the news and as wedding gift in advance

@AdmiralCain

On My Dad's deathbed I told him every and I mean EVERY little shitty I'd ever done, every secret, every immoral thing. I cried my eyes out, I wasn't after forgiveness and I wasn't trying to disappoint him by making out he'd done a bad job and raised me wrong. I just couldn't let him go, he was my best friend and I had to tell him the truth as that's how he raised me. It takes a special kind of scum to lie to someone on their deathbed.

With every respect, that seems quite bizarre to me. If you haven't told him before, why tell him when he's ill and about to die? What can it achieve other than to ease your conscience in some way? It's not as if he can do anything about it. Choosing not to cause unnecessary distress isn't lying.

Also @ElizaDarcysDeeds I don’t want a penny but I am concerned that now grieving elderly family members are being exploited

Depends on the lie.
I lied to my dad the day before he died. He asked me if I had heard any rumours of gossip about my birth. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. There was no way I was going to tell him that his mother had told me that my mother was a whore and I was no grandchild of hers. I have no guilt or regrets about that lie, I was not going to hurt the man who loved me as a daughter whether I was or not. I loved and respected him too much to do that.

Surely if he lied to get money out of a dying relative you would go straight to the police? Or have I misunderstood?

This is a little white lie to bring comfort, this was for financial gain and he has continued the lie.

Does he truly believe this? Do you think he could be psychotic? We often see people who believe they are high up in the military or government.

years ago a I got a phone call of my brother (who I had not seen in years) he told me my step dad was going to die imminently of cancer. Step dad didnt even know he had cancer. He had been taken in to hospital with a bad back and they thought it was cirrhosis of the liver. His back was really bad and they couldn't get him in to the machine to scan him, he was deteriorating fast. When they did eventually get him in to the scanner ( about a week later) they found a massive ball of cancer in his stomach and all the way down his spine. The consultant told my brother he had days to live maybe hours and not to tell my stepdad. So my brother called me.

When I travelled up to see him that day he started to panic and asked why I was there - I said I was just passing through visiting my mum ( not seen her for years either) he passed away that night.

It did torment me that he didnt know that he was dying.

@AdmiralCain

On My Dad's deathbed I told him every and I mean EVERY little shitty I'd ever done, every secret, every immoral thing. I cried my eyes out, I wasn't after forgiveness and I wasn't trying to disappoint him by making out he'd done a bad job and raised me wrong. I just couldn't let him go, he was my best friend and I had to tell him the truth as that's how he raised me. It takes a special kind of scum to lie to someone on their deathbed.

Personally I think that’s wrong. You are doing that to make yourself feel better, nothing to do with the feelings of the dying person. I doubt he really wanted in his last moments to lay there and hear every shitty and immoral thing you had done

Letting someone die peacefully is a kind thing to do, if you have to tell a white lie with no consequences, then so be it.

The maintenance of the lie concerns me, but this person despite their problematic and actually v violent past behaviour is still viewed favourably in the family, so I’m not sure talking to anyone will do any good

Surely it's something that can be proved or disproved very easily? The individual concerned would have official letters etc, and there would be official records. If family members aren't sure, they could simply ask for authorisation to check.

I know someone who lied like this. Started with borrowing money. Then he started stealing and committed fraud. Stole £25k from his employer and ended up going to prison. These things snowball so I’d either call them out or cut yourself off. I don’t think lying is ever right.