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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what it's like to not have to worry about money?

292 replies

dailydreamin · 17/10/2021 21:12

I was chatting with my dh about winning the lotto (as you do) then it got us to thinking because we don't earn much really. What is it like to just have a really good wage (like 4-5k or more per month) and have no money worries?

I would love to just go food shopping without adding in my head. I would love to just be able to see the DC's shoes are getting tight and go and buy new shoes for them without stressing about what I will have to forgo.

So what is it really like? Is it like I think? Do you just NOT think about money at all? Do you just buy as you need (obviously everyone has their limits though) without thinking?

OP posts:
Ledition · 18/10/2021 11:21

It's a great sense of feeedom if you've previously had money worries/grew up poor.

Being mortgage free is the best part, it means we could up sticks and go to Australia for a year or so to see if we liked it when our DC were preschool age with no real risk if it didn't work out. We knew we could land back home into the house with no stress and no expense involved. No big deal.

There's not that sense of being "stuck" in the same spot that my friends have as they need to pay their mortgage. Travel like that is an option they consider completely off the table since having DC. Some wouldn't care as they like where they live and have no desire to go elsewhere but for someone like me who hates having her wings clipped and being stuck in the same place for too long this was an enormous freedom.

Also the knowledge that my DC are hopefully going to grow up without ever feeling that sense of inadequacy I felt while growing up in near poverty. That feeling is hard to shake. I do worry about spoilt/entitlement though so I will do my best to strike that balance.

lazylinguist · 18/10/2021 11:24

I admit I take it for granted. I've never been rich, but have never been poor either. I've always lived a non-lavish but pretty secure mc kind of lifestyle. We don't go on expensive holidays or buy new cars etc and I mostly shop in Aldi, but I don't worry about money. It also helps to know that if we suddenly had a financial problem for some reason, parents or PIL could comfortably help us out and would gladly do so.

AdmiralCain · 18/10/2021 11:26

I like it, you just pay every bill and not worry if you have enough money to cover it all. I pay the council tax and car insurance as a lump sum at the start of the year, then you don't think about it at all.
I could go to Cook every week and buy a weeks worth of ready meals and not have to worry about cooking or money to buy food. I have counselling once a week, Go for a one hour full body massage every week. I book £250 a night Airbnb's Jump on planes at weekend (pre covid) to visit friends. Wonder where to go on holiday, Caribbean, bali, indian ocean. I am cautious though and don't go crazy. If i'm out for a meal with a group of friends, I'll just whack it all on my card.
Funiily though when I was up to my eyes in debt 10 years ago and taking £10 out on my debit card or credit card would have caused me to go bankrupt I slept like a baby, now ten years on with no money worries I barely sleep, go figure?! I'm not after an ounce of sympathy as I don't deserve any!

Gonnagetgoing · 18/10/2021 11:30

Actually I do know about this... DD of a close family friend of my DM's. Met and married her DH quite young and he's a trust fund kid.

Have spoken to her a few times and she is quite honest as to how lucky she is. They don't go mad with money (they could though) and both have their own businesses but it's more of a hobby with them. I do sort of see especially from his side that he seems to have to be seen to be doing 'something'. To be honest her growing up etc was a bit traumatic so I feel she's deserved this now, SAHM/P.

James3954 · 18/10/2021 11:38

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BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 18/10/2021 11:38

I grew up in a very poor household, and was very poor with kids and low incomes while in my 20s. We now live a very nice life and I'm extremely grateful that I will never (for example) have to nick toilet paper from work because it has run out and I don't have enough money left to pay for that or food. But with two growing kids and a huge mortgage, I do still worry about money all the time, and feel the habitual dread when I open my banking app. As another poster said, I'm not sure it ever goes away!

symi · 18/10/2021 11:39

“I was pulling up the poster who claimed to be "skint" on £10k a month due to private school, big houses and holidays. That is what I'm referring to as being tone deaf.”

I understand that and apologies for misinterpreting your previous post.

However, on the private school issue, it’s not as straightforward as you make out. There are areas of London where people are living in £10 million houses which are adjacent to council estates. I think K&C is one if the most unequal boroughs in the U.K, but it’s not the only one. So, correspondingly, the schools reflect this gap. ‘Comprehensives’ are not really ‘comprehensive’ as they tend to attract children from deprived backgrounds only. Those who can will pay for schools, Some of the top schools in the U.K. stand alongside some if the most problematic ones. So it’s a stark choice and those you can afford to pay will tend to do just that. If there was a good suburban comprehensive or grammar locally, they wouldn’t have bothered. Some people are simply paying school fees because they dint want their kids in a school where knife crime is rife.

Paying school fees in London is no different to paying hundreds of thousands in stamp duty to move to a house in the catchment for a good school. Its swings and roundabouts and either way, you are paying up.

The more people go private in a given area, the less is the need for the government to build new schools or extend state provision in that area. So it all becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. Where I live, if all the people who used private schools suddenly put their kids into state schools, the system would collapse overnight. Pupils can’t get state places as it is! You can only put your kids in state schools if the state schools actually have places!

In the independent schools yes, there will be very wealthy families. But equally, there will be those who struggle to pay the fees and have to make concessions elsewhere. London life is expensive. The price of housing is on a different scale. A small one bed flat will be £500k (and that would be over a shop). Salaries that provide a comfortable life in other parts of the country won’t go far in this context. It’s all relative. And it’s no use saying, “Well just move to the Outer Hebrides then,” because people work where they work and have made lives where they live. You wouldn’t tell someone struggling in Wales to move to Albania because their money would go further there! People make decisions on the context of where they live and this affects whether you ‘feel’ wealthy or not.

Stumpholecavern · 18/10/2021 12:10

We are financially comfortable but also live fairly frugally. I grew up in a frugal family where you live well within your means. So I'd still always be making sure I wasn't spending over and on unnecessary things, turning lights off when leaving a room, keeping heating low, using libraries, vycling/ walking rather than driving and buying second hand. My car I've had over 10 years (bought 2nd hand) and the one before that 25year old. We have holidays in the uk.

My parents also helped me buy my first house.

I'm aware we are privileged to be in this position. It's one thing budgeting for yourself, another completely having dependants. Poverty really is a trap. Money gives you choices, opportunities, safety and security.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/10/2021 12:33

Oh, I know someone (dated him briefly) who doesn't have to worry about money. Trust fund kid again. Actually very spoiled and any job he's had has been 'voluntary' or 'charity'. He apparently decided to go homeless - to see what it was like in another country, but all the while knowing his DP's would swoop in and rescue him. Has been married twice but has a few fetishes that would make most normal women run for the hills.

He honestly comes across as an overgrown spoiled brat and anyone who'll listen says his mother abused him as a child. Funny that his DB is absolutely fine.

Has managed to get himself out of involvement in the family business whilst his DP's and DB run it yet he gets a nice sizeable allowance, London flat (now sold) etc bought for him. Sounds a bit like Prince Harry but it's not him!

Flixon · 18/10/2021 12:35

"I hope you all know how lucky you are"

I am lucky to have my health and lucky that my children were born healthy. but my current financial situation also has to do with a lot of heard work and sacrifices I made early on. I worked HARD at school and went to university and pain myself for a second degree, I did many long hours and passed up opportunities for fun and holidays as a younger person. My relative financial stability now has to do with both luck and hard work ...

DarlingFell · 18/10/2021 12:40

DH and I both earn a decent salary and would be considered v comfortably off (decent salaries x 2, plus savings and no debt) but having grown up with little money, I can't say that I will ever really not worry about money.. maybe 'worry' is the wrong word, but I will always be conscious of not wasting cash. Obviously, it's lovely to be able to buy whatever you want or need, which we are able to do (within reason!) and having money gives you options, freedom and in lots of cases, power, I'm not sure it makes you happy, but it helps with lightening the load of life for sure. I hope your situation gets better, OP.

dailydreamin · 18/10/2021 12:42

@Flixon yes I also did a degree and worked hard. I'm not saying it's all down to luck of course ppl have worked hard, there's not many who have had it fall on to their lap. I am lucky in lots of ways too... I know.

OP posts:
userchange987 · 18/10/2021 12:43

@symi it doesn't change the fact they aren't skint and have a lot more choices available to them than someone who has limited resources. Those rich families DO have a choice to move or pay for private school, the poorer families likely have NO choice but to send their child to the knife crime school. So no I'm not about to feel sympathy for a rich family in a diverse area who have no choice to put their child in private school because of all the poor people around them Hmm

laurenGame · 18/10/2021 12:51

@Spud88

To those that have had those worries but are now living under better circumstances, how did you do it? Was it a case of career progression and opportunities or even simply just some good luck?
Studying + choosing lucrative career + painstakingly choosing a driven, intelligent partner.

It's not that I chased money, it's more that I was running away from poverty.

YerAWizardHarry · 18/10/2021 12:53

We earn around 4.5K a month between us, have relatively low bills (our mortgage is £500 and very little childcare) but we still manage to spunk a lot up the walls. It’s definitely a case of living within your means..

DampSquidGames · 18/10/2021 12:55

I never have to think about the cost of things, I go on holiday as often as I like, sometimes I don’t even want to go buy my DH is keen. I never have to worry about fuel bills etc. For about the last 12 years we’ve only had new cars and lived in new houses where nearly everything is perfect and luxurious.
I am a member of a fancy spa, have an unlimited cineworld card and go to the cinema every week, can have as many meals and days out as I like.
I still shop around for cheaper deals on things because I like value for money.
I’ve been incredibly poor, I was a single teen mum and then went to university when my DC went to school. One winter I had no clothes so my DD gave me his old leather flying jacket and my DB he old jeans.
The odd thing is my wealth now really hasn’t increased my happiness, for me there’s been absolutely no link between happiness and money. I still have the worries about my DS’s disability, my DM has advanced Alzheimer’s and is only 70 and I am her carer. I recently lost my DF and have had cancer.

userchange987 · 18/10/2021 12:58

To those that have had those worries but are now living under better circumstances, how did you do it? Was it a case of career progression and opportunities or even simply just some good luck?

There will always be luck involved, even if it's as supposedly simple as appreciating being healthy enough to be able to action the choices you wanted to make. I worked extremely hard to get to where I am but completely acknowledge all the luck that has come my way too; from my health, my children and spouse's health, through to the right opportunities coming at the right time. Everyone should be humble enough to know you don't become "successful" (define that how you will) on hard work alone, plenty of hard working people do not get sufficiently financially rewarded.

NCKM · 18/10/2021 13:10

@Spud88

NC so I can share openly as I might be recognisable.

Went to uni at 19 and studied music, it was the thing I loved and nothing else would let me in due to my poor grades (really tough teen years, lots of family strife and self harm etc.), Ended up working as a bank cashier on next to nothing. Volunteered since the age of nineteen consistently in various roles from the Samaritans to a prison rehab unit.

Ended up going back to university at 24 to study a MA in social work, graduated a qualified social worker. Absolutely beyond gruelling. Went bankrupt at 24 due to poor health meaning I wasn't able to get to work some days and ran out of sick pay. I was earning about £11k when I started and finished uni, the bursary was tiny and so I had to work eighty hours per week for the majority of the two years across different jobs to support myself on top of studying.

Qualified as a social worker, joined the NHS in a mental health role, they paid for further training to become a therapist. I'm now earning £40k in my mid thirties. £11k to £40k in ... five years, maybe six?

For me the key was to secure a professional registration in a job that pays well: nursing, social work, occupational health, teaching, any of those fields have a guaranteed starting salary and end up paying really well as time progresses as you remain in the job, just look at the top of band 5, where nurses start: after four years you're on over £30k. You have a reliable income which is harder to achieve imo with jobs and degrees that don't align with a profession. I didn't go down this path for money, it was always my passion (hence the volunteering for years before even starting to think about what to do for a living), but if I had to give advice to someone looking at uni courses it would be to strongly consider something that leads to a profession or a well paid job (engineer for example) rather than something a bit more artsy or vague, unless you're happy to take your degree and go into teaching.

The other side of the coin is to marry or have a relationship with someone on the same page. After a string of relationships with guys who were nowhere near financially secure enough to consider marriage or kids I made sure in my late twenties dating to only consider getting serious with someone who could match my own degree of professional success, I wasn't looking for riches or an incredibly high flying career but I didn't feel secure starting a family with someone on minimum wage as I know what a struggle that is. I just wanted to meet someone who could equal what I was bringing to the table. Met DH, he was a few years younger but in medical school. Graduated a year or two after we met as a doctor and he's doing great. Choose a partner wisely, money isn't everything but the financial habits and stability of your partner go a LONG way to setting the financial tone of your household together, it's a nightmare if you're with someone useless with money or pissing it up the wall (I say as a former bankrupt person), and it makes having kids that much more likely if you're with someone who knows how to earn well, manage money, and provide.

There's ALWAYS an element of luck involved, I was lucky enough to get onto my social work course the final year that offered everyone a bursary and the fees paid for (to encourage people into the profession), if I'd been a year later I couldn't have done it. I was lucky enough that when I lost my mum tragically it was a couple years before so I had a bit of time to grieve and it didn't affect my studies or work. I was lucky enough that my chronic pain had stabilised enough at that stage to be able to attend regularly. Sure, I would have loved to not have had to work eighty hours per week, it drove me into the ground, but the hard work I put in doesn't negate the luck that enabled me to make the most of the opportunities that crossed my path.

It all comes down to career/education choice and who you choose to share a life with imo.

Teawithsugar40 · 18/10/2021 14:22

@Spud88

To those that have had those worries but are now living under better circumstances, how did you do it? Was it a case of career progression and opportunities or even simply just some good luck?
Coincidental really, yes worked hard and went to uni but wasn’t really any better off as extra salary just reduced entitlement to top ups. Got together with my husband who earns a good salary but actually worse off due to no longer being entitled to all the top ups. However being able to earn above the minimum wage enabled it to be at least a feasible option for us. We were also able to buy a house together and once the kids grown up etc should be fairly comfortably off
Gonnagetgoing · 18/10/2021 14:24

@userchange987

To those that have had those worries but are now living under better circumstances, how did you do it? Was it a case of career progression and opportunities or even simply just some good luck?

There will always be luck involved, even if it's as supposedly simple as appreciating being healthy enough to be able to action the choices you wanted to make. I worked extremely hard to get to where I am but completely acknowledge all the luck that has come my way too; from my health, my children and spouse's health, through to the right opportunities coming at the right time. Everyone should be humble enough to know you don't become "successful" (define that how you will) on hard work alone, plenty of hard working people do not get sufficiently financially rewarded.

For my DM - she studied and got a much better job. But when I was 9 she also inherited (unexpectedly) a lifechanging sum which helped her, and us as a family. So career progression and opportunities and good luck from her family member.
DampSquidGames · 18/10/2021 14:25

Spud88, it was luck for me.

RidingMyBike · 18/10/2021 14:27

To a certain extent, yes, we live like this, and it is really great! I can, within reason, buy groceries without worrying about it, or new kids' shoes if a sudden growth spurt.

Some of that is down to having decent salaries so we are privileged, but some of it is also knowing our limits and being careful. Whilst I can do a grocery shop without adding up in my head (as I did have to when I was a student!) I couldn't do a grocery shop that suddenly involved loads of expensive products and alcohol, for instance, without something else having to give. I can get a takeaway coffee a few times a week without having to worry about it, but I couldn't do the same about, say, lunch out?

Teawithsugar40 · 18/10/2021 14:36

@userchange987

To those that have had those worries but are now living under better circumstances, how did you do it? Was it a case of career progression and opportunities or even simply just some good luck?

There will always be luck involved, even if it's as supposedly simple as appreciating being healthy enough to be able to action the choices you wanted to make. I worked extremely hard to get to where I am but completely acknowledge all the luck that has come my way too; from my health, my children and spouse's health, through to the right opportunities coming at the right time. Everyone should be humble enough to know you don't become "successful" (define that how you will) on hard work alone, plenty of hard working people do not get sufficiently financially rewarded.

Well said
Youdoyoutoday · 18/10/2021 14:38

I've struggled before, it's not nice. I feel very blessed and grateful to be in the place I am now. I don't go crazy but I appreciate not having to worry my card won't work in shops or the bills not get paid each month.

Porcupineintherough · 18/10/2021 14:41

@Spud88 in our case it was both career progression and the children getting older so I could earn more than childcare cost.