AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

[ArranMumma]

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

When my Best friend had her baby her brother was dating a girl she didn’t get on with.

The girlfriend made a huge point of visiting in the hospital calling herself auntie x and was in the first family
Pictures with the new baby.

They broke up two months later.

Brother is now raging that he let her take over so much.

People date, she might not be around in a few months. Tell your brother you are exhausted, keep visits short. But be hie at - it’s fine if you want some time with just your brother and not ‘visiting’ with a girl you don’t really know. But have a short visit with her.

Hi OP, your brother's girlfriend could become a good friend which is what you may need. You need family around you and you don't want to upset your brother. You've had a bit of a shit time of it and I think your anxiety is affecting your perception of things. Have you spoken to your doctor or HV about how you are feeling and gotten some support there?

BIL brought his girlfriend of all of 5 mins who I had met very briefly only a week before, to visit my newborn DS in the hospital about 2 hours after I had my cesarean so I was lying there with numb legs, huge maternity pad stuffed under me and with catheter still in - the works.

It would have been horribly awkward if there wasn't a snuggly newborn taking all of the attention off of me.

I agree with the pp's who say use the new baby to cover any awkwardness and also as a good excuse to cut short any visit.

Of course you're not being unreasonable, it's entirely up to YOU who meets your newborn baby and why.

This anti “be nice” thing is getting out of hand. Be selfish, self centred, don’t worry about anyone who you might hurt or upset, because nobody matters, and social niceties aren’t important, and fuck the patriarchy. It’s all a bit silly. You can be polite, and open to building a relationship with your brothers girlfriend without it meaning that you’re a pushover or visiting after a baby is some circus show.

Everyone should just chill out a bit, and stop making a massive deal out of things that don’t need to be a big deal

The days and weeks immediately following giving birth is not the time to "being open to building a relationship" with people who you may well never cross paths with again

@lilcolibri

aww OP.

You sound a lot like me with the anxiety, based on that you asking your brother to come alone sounds like it could trigger more anxiety for you later on -- because then you'll be fretting about this and any falling out with your brother and his gf.

So based on that I'd invite them both, swallow the anixety as best you can if only so you're not extra stressed about when her first visit actually is.

Exactly.

Avoiding things when you're anxious just makes the anxiety worse. Just look up the anxiety cycle.

Especially if your brother IS offended. It'll make it harder when she finally does come round and you'll feel more anxious about it.

Whatever people on here say, it will come across as strange not to allow someone to pop by for a short time a few days after having your baby.

Just limit the time they're there and say you might need a bit of help with making the tea and clearing up etc. and it'll be over before you know it.

Hmm where did you get the horrible from? X
I suppose it’s the bit in your op where you said you know you’ve come across as a moody cow
I’d let her come, it’s a nice thing to do. It’s really not that big a deal , people coo over baby and everyone asks a few nice questions. Whereas asking your brother to not bring her is quite a big deal.

They haven't been together long so they might split up before baby is here. I'd worry about it at the time and if you don't want practically a stranger there thats fine. Invite them both round after a couple of weeks or something. You aren't a tourist attraction.

Haven't rtft but can't see why you can't explain what you said in your op to your brother and ask him to come alone for the first visit. It's all a bit much and why not go slowly to begin with, it's not as if it is personal to her, it's about you.
Your circumstances require tenderness and care, feeling out of your depth is not going to help you in any way regardless of whether anyone else thinks your reasons are valid.
Talk to your brother, if he cares he should understand, I thought your op was eloquent and touching. If he's any kind of decent guy he can convey that to her without causing offence or embarrassment to either of you.

If you do this now, it was cause a rift in the future. I would let them both come and just be normal with them both. It's just one visit.

If this causes a rift, if this girl can’t understand that you are vulnerable after having a baby and don’t know her well, then let it.

We assume people won’t understand. If that was me and I had only met someone a few times I wouldn’t throw a temper tantrum because they didn’t think of me as immediate family.

I know people who would let this cause a rift. They fall out with people all the time. And really aren’t worth the trouble.

Surely most people are decent and understanding.

YANBU, gf could always visit with you brother the next time he visits you & LO 💐

Presumably it’s only a brief visit, and they’re not staying overnight?

Don’t use your anxiety as an excuse to duck out of things because you’ll end up feeling far worse.

Would you feel happier all meeting up at your parents house instead, then you can leave when you’ve had enough?

Unfortunately you cannot control who comes into your parent's home.

Does she actually want to "meet" the baby?

@TopCatsTopHat

Haven't rtft but can't see why you can't explain what you said in your op to your brother and ask him to come alone for the first visit. It's all a bit much and why not go slowly to begin with, it's not as if it is personal to her, it's about you. Your circumstances require tenderness and care, feeling out of your depth is not going to help you in any way regardless of whether anyone else thinks your reasons are valid. Talk to your brother, if he cares he should understand, I thought your op was eloquent and touching. If he's any kind of decent guy he can convey that to her without causing offence or embarrassment to either of you.

This is a very good post. I can’t believe all the posts saying to put your brother and his gf above your needs. You’ve just given birth.

YANBU it's a vulnerable time, you need to do what feels right to you.

Perhaps this is not something you need to decide now, and you can see how you feel once the baby has arrived. You have a lot to get through first, you don't need to be worrying about family politics surrounding what happens next.

Perhaps gently ask your brother to check in after the baby's here and see how you feel then? You may not want to see anyone for a little while anyway, and need to play it by ear.

The problem with you living with your parents is that you can't really stop them visiting

Your baby, your choice. Always. You don’t owe other people anything, including visits to see your baby.

You've been through a difficult time, and are having a baby on your own. But I think that many women might wish to see how they feel after their child is born before welcoming visitors who aren't immediate family. Send your db's gf a message saying that you've been advised by the midwife- as a pp suggested - to restrict visitors for a couple of months and look forward to seeing more people once the baby is bigger

I would tactfully - I hope - suggest that you care too much about what people think of you.

Your earlier issues are nothing to do with this woman. You weren't deliberately trying to be rude to her, you simply had your own issues and were struggling with your own health. That's permissible. You don't have to hide or feel ashamed as this was not about her.

I have in-laws who think the way you imagine your brother's girlfriend might. No matter what awful things have gone on in my life: multiple bereavements, including the deaths of both parents, a succession of miscarriages, one resulting in an infection which made me seriously ill meaning I couldn't visit at Christmas, were all taken as slights against them personally.

I was merely having my own troubles, meaning I'd decided to prioritise my own health and wellbeing for a while.

Not everyone - in fact I'd suspect few people - are as sorely lacking in empathy as my in-laws, or thinks that everyone else's entire world revolves around theirs. Your brother's girlfriend might be a perfectly reasonable person who understands this very well. If she isn't, that's her issue and what she thinks of you is none of your business.

I'd let her come. And be mindful of that old saying 'the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter'.

I presume they would be visiting the parents anyway - is the OP going to avoid them or does she expect them not to visit the parents

It’s a perfect opportunity to put things right, even though if she is nice, she will completely understand that you are going through a hard time and are not ‘moody’
If you ask her not to come visit though, THEN you definitely changing to situation. I would not do that under any circumstances.
You will not have to ‘entertain’ her or be interesting, you will be up to your eyes busy but you could welcome her and introduce her to the baby at least, especially if your brother likes her.
Good luck.

It's fine if you don't want her to visit immediately. Totally your call.

I think you can either say everything to your brother as you have here. Alternatively, just say that as you've found things a bit much recently you're limiting visitors to immediate family and not partners (this won't work if you're having all and sundry to visit, just not the GF).