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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

182 replies

ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:16

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 17/10/2021 19:40

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable at all. My only slight hesitation saying that is the reason you’ve given of feeling awkward because you’re shy and don’t think you made a good first impression. So by asking for her not to come, you may feel even more awkward later. I don’t think you should feel awkward about asking your brother to come alone, I just mean that if that feeling is there already, delaying seeing her might just add to it.
I don’t think that should therefore overrule you not wanting her there, it was just a thought I had while reading it and might be worth considering.

blubberyboo · 17/10/2021 19:40

If you are close enough to brother then you will be best to tell him what you have told us. That it’s not personal and you will allow her to visit soon.
Otherwise it will only strain your relationship with him and that’s the last thing you need right now.
Tbh if you allowed her to come and explain briefly that you’ve had a difficult few months she might actually prove to be a good friend

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 17/10/2021 19:41

Is anyone else confused about who the op
Is now?

NigellaSeed · 17/10/2021 19:42

Yanbu. He's only known her 4 months, so she's basically a stranger to you. Tell him your still wanting a bit of privacy and it's family only whilst you still finding your feet.

Holly60 · 17/10/2021 19:42

@YourFinestPantaloons

have you really considered if the advice you are giving OP (who is vulnerable snd has come on here really asking for good advice) is the best advice IN THE LONG TERM

Having worked as a gynae nurse I'm well versed in helping women who have PND, and what absolutely matters in trying to best avoid increasing the risk of PND is very much what happens IN THE SHORT TERM. It's very much about the day-to-day things that makes a woman have a wholly positive postnatal experience, and sacrificing your own needs to please others is a very easy precedent to set.

This woman may be her future SIL but equally (more likely) she may not be around much longer. The OP should not prioritise this woman's feelings above her own MH.

I’m not suggesting she prioritises the other lady’s feelings over her own. I’m simply suggesting that it might not be wise for posters to suggest that she prioritises her own short term anxieties over long - term benefits to herself.

But to be fair it’s just my opinion and you might well be right.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:43

@Livelovebehappy

I think you are probably projecting the fact that you’re alone now, and are a bit jealous around them presenting themselves as a couple. I get where you’re coming from as I was the same when I was alone, and envied my friends who were in couples. I think you need to start with a clean slate, and not tell your brother to come alone. He will put his gf first, and you will alienate them both, when you’re probably going to need the support of your family going forward.
No this isn’t true. I’m actually quite an independent person and enjoying living on my own. I’ve found the breakup heart breaking because I am afraid for the future affect it could have on my son, and because of course I loved my babys Dad, but I certainly wouldn’t say I’m jealous of other couples or worried about being by myself. I’m an introverted person and see a lot of merit to being single tbh! x
Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 17/10/2021 19:46

She's a very new girlfriend and it sounds like you're close with your brother so explain to him how you feel.

I'm sure there would be less fear of offending if you had a sister instead who had a bf of 4 months. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean you have to automatically feel comfortable with her visiting when you've just given birth. It's the one time you can really put yourself first so do what makes you feel comfortable.

But if you are doing it because you are letting anxiety rule you then try to fight it as this may very well continue building and at what point will you feel better about her visiting?

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:46

Long term benefits?

This woman may or may not be around in a year and even if she is she may be neither use nor ornament to the OP.

I'm amazed anyone is even considering that this other woman's feelings should be considered in the slightest.

But as a PP said, she probably is fine with the OP! And maybe isn't even planning to visit the baby

BBOA · 17/10/2021 19:48

It’s your baby and you can do what you want! You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. You’ve got enough to worry about so just say to your brother that you’ve really been struggling, you know it’s going to be tough to begin with and you don’t want to have to put on an act. You’d prefer just family in the first few days but when you feel more on top of things she’s be welcome.?At that point, when you are ready, you can explain why you may have appeared a bit cold and detached. Does your brother live with her already? Are they attached at the hip? Can he not come round on his own first and bring the GF the next time? If she’s at all sensitive she would tell him to go on his own first anyway. He should be more sensitive too.

Thatsplentyjack · 17/10/2021 19:49

Weird, usually people on here tell new mothers or expectant mothers, they don't have to let anyone visit for at least 6 months after the baby is born.
I actually don't think yabu. She has hardly been in your brothers life for any length of time.

lifehappened · 17/10/2021 19:50

I feel for you but let her come and I can bet you it won't be as bad as you think. You'll be relieved! Good luck

Holly60 · 17/10/2021 19:51

@YourFinestPantaloons

Long term benefits?

This woman may or may not be around in a year and even if she is she may be neither use nor ornament to the OP.

I'm amazed anyone is even considering that this other woman's feelings should be considered in the slightest.

But as a PP said, she probably is fine with the OP! And maybe isn't even planning to visit the baby

The GF may not be around but her Dbro will be. I’m sure he would like the situation to be handled in a way that avoids anyone’s feelings being hurt.

If my sibling had ever made one of my partners (past or present) feel uncomfortable without explanation or attempts at putting it right im not sure I’d ever quite forget it.

I’m not suggesting OP is going to do this but I just thought I’d point it out to posters saying she probably won’t be around forever - that memories last long after the fact.

I’m sure OP is aware of this and it sounds like she has got a good plan in place!

NataliaSerene · 17/10/2021 19:52

I wouldn’t be offended if my new BF’s sister wanted to keep visitors to family only the first month after her baby was born.

NigellaSeed · 17/10/2021 19:54

[quote Allmyarseandpeggymartin]@YourFinestPantaloons Oh FFS - I’m just putting forward another point of view.
This sounds like ops first baby - she doesn’t know how she’s going to feel does she?

She might want to share the joy of such a wonderful occasion (Mumsnet is such a weird place)[/quote]
Why would she want to share the joy of being stinky, greasy hair, bleeding, tired, no make up (if that's not her norm), breasts pit of she is going to BF, why should she share that with a stranger? 4 months! She's a nobody.

BurntO · 17/10/2021 19:54

It certainly won’t improve the situation and will likely create a divide. No one is going to expect you to be chirpy or chatty in the early newborn days and theee no pressure to chat as everyone is happy to see baby so it seems like the perfect time to invite her tbh

Lucycantdance · 17/10/2021 19:58

I had a terrible time with pregnancy anxiety and what you are worrying about now is exactly how I was during pregnancy and with a newborn. It does pass! Can you explain to your brother how you are feeling and be totally honest? You might find they are extremely understanding.

I’m really shocked by some of the comments on this thread. Being pregnant is hard enough. Nobody has the right to access to you and your baby.

You’ll never get that time back OP so you need to protect your MH. But I do think being honest with your brother is the way to go. All the best Flowers

NigellaSeed · 17/10/2021 19:58

@OtterandDog if your original name was outing the you should report this thread, and leave a comment asking MNHQ to change it all to be this name for you. Xxx

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:59

@NigellaSeed that really made me chuckle Grin

Holly60 · 17/10/2021 19:59

@NigellaSeed I’m sure you don’t mean it like this, and that you are trying to be supportive, but your post kind of comes across that you think women who are stinky, greasy, have no makeup on and are breastfeeding, should expect to hide away until such time as they are presentable to the world.

It’s a bit of a shame because it has very patriarchal overtones.

Very many women are all of the above, and are also incredibly proud of what they have done and want to share it with the world. No one should feel uncomfortable with the realities of new motherhood. If we were more open about it, it might not come as such a shock!

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 20:00

[quote NigellaSeed]@OtterandDog if your original name was outing the you should report this thread, and leave a comment asking MNHQ to change it all to be this name for you. Xxx[/quote]
Ooh thanks! Didn’t know I could do that

fitsandgiggles · 17/10/2021 20:00

Aww love it's completely understandable, maybe say first time he comes to meet baby can he come alone just with covid/colds etc then when your up to it girlfriend can meet the baby. Maybe even send her a message just saying I hope you don't think I'm being off I'm just anxious about germs and a new first time mum

Clymene · 17/10/2021 20:00

@BurntO

It certainly won’t improve the situation and will likely create a divide. No one is going to expect you to be chirpy or chatty in the early newborn days and theee no pressure to chat as everyone is happy to see baby so it seems like the perfect time to invite her tbh
Any woman who takes offence at a post-partum woman not wanting people she barely knows visiting is a self-absorbed twat.
YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 20:00

It's not patriarchal to want to be alone during a difficult time FFS.

What is patriarchal is to expect women to be so elated with joy that suddenly they play hostess to randoms

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 20:01

[quote Holly60]@NigellaSeed I’m sure you don’t mean it like this, and that you are trying to be supportive, but your post kind of comes across that you think women who are stinky, greasy, have no makeup on and are breastfeeding, should expect to hide away until such time as they are presentable to the world.

It’s a bit of a shame because it has very patriarchal overtones.

Very many women are all of the above, and are also incredibly proud of what they have done and want to share it with the world. No one should feel uncomfortable with the realities of new motherhood. If we were more open about it, it might not come as such a shock![/quote]
@Holly60 good point but realistically I will feel really uncomfortable being a greasy, no makeup wreck in front of people. Totally fucked up and sexist but still.. that’s the reality :/

Holly60 · 17/10/2021 20:03

@YourFinestPantaloons

It's not patriarchal to want to be alone during a difficult time FFS.

What is patriarchal is to expect women to be so elated with joy that suddenly they play hostess to randoms

No I agree, but if you read what was said - it was not that.

Also, not everyone has the same postpartum experience. Everyone on here has given advice in good faith, based on their own experiences. It seems a shame to criticise others because they are trying to help OP make the best decision.

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