AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

[ArranMumma]

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

You will look so much worse in the rude stakes if you do that. Just draw a line under your past meetings, you're embarrassed but it's no big deal just be nicer to her next time. If you tell her not to come it will be a big deal. While I understand your thought process, Avoidance of her won't help you in the long run OP.

Sorry you had a tough time I hope things look up soon

Personally I think it's really inappropriate for a new girlfriend to go and visit her boyfriend's sister shortly after she's given birth. I would have hated it too.

Visitors in the first few weeks should be people the new mum feels comfortable with.

He barely knows this woman. Why would she want to be there?

Now that’s a typo, not ha, I meant yanbu

Just make an effort and get to know her. You're only going to make it harder by excluding her

@Clymene I agree. Even if he'd been with her years I'd expect her to understand OP might not want to have her round if they don't know each other well.

Just be completely honest. The way you've described it here, I totally understand why you would want close family only initially. And don't forget, you might be feeling extra vulnerable with a brand new baby (FYI you might not! It shouldn't be assumed that all new mums have dreadful mental health. But hope for the best, prepare for the worst etc)

You might find you're just so damn proud of your gorgeous little baby, that you want to show them off to anyone who'll look! But I think it would be very sensible to warn your brother that you've been feeling really shaky, and that you'll probably be more comfortable with just him at first xx

IT sounds like you need friends. Start with her.

@Clymene

Personally I think it's really inappropriate for a new girlfriend to go and visit her boyfriend's sister shortly after she's given birth. I would have hated it too.

Visitors in the first few weeks should be people the new mum feels comfortable with.

He barely knows this woman. Why would she want to be there?

I agree!

Sadly we live in a world where the mother is just a vessel and her feelings and wishes are irrelevant because some random wants to meet a cutesy lickle baby

Part of being a grown up is navigating relationships and that sometimes means a bit of compromise. She's your brother's girlfriend, of course you can see who you want, but there is no way you can frame this without looking "off" especially with your previous lacking attempts. You're not a child any more, you can't just fold your arms, stick your nose up and say no. Plan a short visit, and maybe next time plan something with just your brother, but for the sake of long term relationship building (and your brother) make this one very small compromise.

He doesn't barely know this woman as a different poster says. She is his girlfriend of 4 months. One day she may indeed end up as your SIL and it will be remembered if you say no. You have already seen your brother confused and offended by this. Is it worth jeopardising your relationship with him and a potential future SIL for the sake of a one hour visit. You actually may find she is really nice, supportive and helpful.

You're not a child any more, you can't just fold your arms, stick your nose up and say no

Of course she can! In fact of anyone can do this in life, it's when they've just given birth.

It's not the fucking circus, you don't come to gawp at the Baby Show, this is a woman with anxiety who will be vulnerable, tired, probably very sore and feeling extremely delicate.

Too fucking right we call the shots on who visits us in that state

As a single parent, a lot of things are going to fall to you. I think you should invite her and try to be brave. You will face situations where you need to be at least partially socially comfortable enough, and this is a good opportunity to start gently. I guarantee that everything you build up in your head is MUCH worse than the reality of your brother and his girlfriend coming over for a cup of tea for half an hour

MN is so funny. People here writing as if she will marry and have kids with the brother, but if a woman comes on and says "my boyfriend of 4 months wants to " the OP gets told 'you barely know him, I have stuff in my fridge that's older than your relationship"

It's almost as if people just love sticking the boot in 🧐

I have been with my DP for six years and know his SIL very well. Holiday together etc. She’s giving birth next month and I will only join the first visit if expressively invited and I am 100% confident it’s not just out of politeness. Anyone who has just given birth gets to dictate who comes near them at home if you ask me.

@userchange987

Part of being a grown up is navigating relationships and that sometimes means a bit of compromise. She's your brother's girlfriend, of course you can see who you want, but there is no way you can frame this without looking "off" especially with your previous lacking attempts. You're not a child any more, you can't just fold your arms, stick your nose up and say no. Plan a short visit, and maybe next time plan something with just your brother, but for the sake of long term relationship building (and your brother) make this one very small compromise.

Op can and should be explicit whom she does and doesn’t see postpartum She can chose to exclude the girlfriend if she wants, and do whatever suits her Women don’t need to constantly be nice,or accommodating or play pass the baby to their families and girlfriends

@YourFinestPantaloons

You're not a child any more, you can't just fold your arms, stick your nose up and say no

Of course she can! In fact of anyone can do this in life, it's when they've just given birth.

It's not the fucking circus, you don't come to gawp at the Baby Show, this is a woman with anxiety who will be vulnerable, tired, probably very sore and feeling extremely delicate.

Too fucking right we call the shots on who visits us in that state

Exactly!

If this thread was about a MIL everyone would be telling OP she doesn't have to allow her to visit even though she would be related to the baby.
So I can't understand why OP is being told to ignore her own feelings to save those of someone who is pretty much a stranger to her.

@SeasonFinale

He doesn't barely know this woman as a different poster says. She is his girlfriend of 4 months. One day she may indeed end up as your SIL and it will be remembered if you say no. You have already seen your brother confused and offended by this. Is it worth jeopardising your relationship with him and a potential future SIL for the sake of a one hour visit. You actually may find she is really nice, supportive and helpful.

It's 4 months. He barely knows her.

@Winterfellismyhome

I think let her come. It could be a nice way to start fresh. The longer you leave it, the more awkward it will be. Congratulations on your pregnancy

This. It’s a fresh start. It would be a way of showing her you do want to make a good impression with her. You could also perhaps find a way of slipping into conversation that you are aware you’ve not made the best impression so far but now the baby is here you will hopefully start to feel better.

As PP have pointed out, this could be your future sister in law and the mother of your child’s cousins. At the very least she is a significant person in your brother’s life snd he will be hurt and confused if you exclude her.

Even if the OP was living in her parents’ home, i would expect maximum empathy and shielding of the newborn-mother unit. Not doing so, not meeting your needs and ignoring anxiety (how blasé some people are about just setting major feelings and states aside) increases the risk of PND.
Even if you you lived with your parents, You can’t who visits Them, but you can control who sees you and the Baby. If your baby is cluster feeding you will be busy for hours, and tired afterwards, not in the mood for visitors.
Your instincts are always right so follow them.
(Very glad you have your own space though and can decide your own visitor schedule without anyone popping their head round the door and saying “ Oh, XX just wanted to see u for a minute, pressuring you to give in and make tea for them )
I didn’t want anyone except DH and DM and DPIL
Holding my babies, and that is perfectly ok. I just wanted to rest and sleep, eat and not spend precious bonding moments putting on mascara for visitors.

I'm sure she doesn't think those things about you at all. She probably understands it's been a difficult situation for you!

Would you want to spend a bit more time with them before you have the baby to make you feel more comfortable?

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask for only family to visit though anyway, a lot of people are the same even before covid.

@Clymene

Personally I think it's really inappropriate for a new girlfriend to go and visit her boyfriend's sister shortly after she's given birth. I would have hated it too.

Visitors in the first few weeks should be people the new mum feels comfortable with.

He barely knows this woman. Why would she want to be there?

This. Your brother barely knows her. It's far too early to know if shes going to be a fixture in the family. I say YANBU to ask to just see him for the time being if that makes you more comfortable. If she can't understand that then all the more reason not to have her visit.

See I don’t get this “I want to hide away when I’ve had a baby” honestly I was so proud of DS and myself and so in love with him I wanted the whole world to see him.

Be nice op, she might be the mother of your nieces and nephews plus you might need a babysitter at some point

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

See I don’t get this “I want to hide away when I’ve had a baby” honestly I was so proud of DS and myself and so in love with him I wanted the whole world to see him.

Be nice op, she might be the mother of your nieces and nephews plus you might need a babysitter at some point

Um, good for you? Not everyone own feels that way.

We have got to stop telling women to 'be nice' at their own detriment.

Some random woman should be the least of OP's worry come next month. She needs two priorities only: herself and her baby

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

See I don’t get this “I want to hide away when I’ve had a baby” honestly I was so proud of DS and myself and so in love with him I wanted the whole world to see him.

Be nice op, she might be the mother of your nieces and nephews plus you might need a babysitter at some point

Your mind is incapable of stretching a bit to realise that not every woman feels exactly the way you do? That some woman struggle immensely with anxiety, and at the most vulnerable time in their lives may not want loads of people, and basically a stranger in the op's case, invading their home? You really can't appreciate that at all?

@YourFinestPantaloons

You're not a child any more, you can't just fold your arms, stick your nose up and say no

Of course she can! In fact of anyone can do this in life, it's when they've just given birth.

It's not the fucking circus, you don't come to gawp at the Baby Show, this is a woman with anxiety who will be vulnerable, tired, probably very sore and feeling extremely delicate.

Too fucking right we call the shots on who visits us in that state

The thing is, of course you are correct. However, when you say this - have you really considered if the advice you are giving OP (who is vulnerable snd has come on here really asking for good advice) is the best advice IN THE LONG TERM. Of course she gets to decide who comes to see her baby. However I think it’s also worth considering if inviting her DBro’s Gf for say, half an hour, will actually make her life easier and more enjoyable.

OP herself has said she is shy and is worried she hasn’t made the best impression. People are suggesting, in good faith, that she perhaps breaks this pattern, because the alternative COULD be to risk alienating her DBro and his girlfriend, when in fact she could probably use their support.