AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

[ArranMumma]

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

[quote Holly60]@NigellaSeed I’m sure you don’t mean it like this, and that you are trying to be supportive, but your post kind of comes across that you think women who are stinky, greasy, have no makeup on and are breastfeeding, should expect to hide away until such time as they are presentable to the world.

It’s a bit of a shame because it has very patriarchal overtones.

Very many women are all of the above, and are also incredibly proud of what they have done and want to share it with the world. No one should feel uncomfortable with the realities of new motherhood. If we were more open about it, it might not come as such a shock![/quote]
I don't mean it like that at all. We all have our own boundaries and what we would prefer to be private or with just people we trust. It isn't about hiding it away for other people's benefit.

I'm clearly not the only one saying that post partem a women can dictate who gets to visit. I'm just pointing out some of the physical reasons (there's obvs MH reasons also) for people who can't seem to fathom why OP doesn't want every man and his dog round her flat at a vulnerable time..

If you tell him to come alone then you will be saying that you don't like her.

They will think you hate her

@OtterAndDog I had a similar situation when dc was born. My brother had been seeing his new girlfriend for a couple of months, although I hadn’t actually met her yet. She didn’t come when baby was first here (to be fair I’m sure it would have been just as uncomfortable for her as it would have been for me !). She came when dc was almost 4 weeks old.

Fast forward 4 years, and my dc adores her! She is genuinely one their favourite people.

I completely understand why you would maybe lean towards her not coming immediately. But she could very well end up being your family. For the sake of an hour, a couple of weeks in, it might be nice for her and your brother if you included her.

@NigellaSeed If op is alone with a newborn in a flat she might be glad of the company, even if she is sweaty/greasy

Meeting her when you have a new baby will probably be the easiest time. The focus will be on the baby, and conversation will be easy because you have the baby to talk about - so you're likely to feel less socially awkward than if you had to make random conversation with her and be her focus.

I was painfully shy and awkward until I had my babies. They open up the world somehow. You meet new people and don't have to think about what to say any more. Because you have someone else to focus on, loads of things in common if they're other mums, and if there's a silence in the conversation with anyone, the baby/toddler fills it!

Seriously, I've been you, and I had all sorts of visitors when my baby arrived, that I would have found it hard to chat to normally, but it was a breeze, because...baby!!

Presumably she won't be alone because her parents, brother and friends will visit. Also known as: people she trusts

@RedMarauder

Just say you want to see your brother on his own.

However as you are a single mother it is best not to alienate any women you know however fleetingly as everyone is a potential baby sitter.

What? Women should be nice to other fleeting women in case they need a babysitter at some point in the future Women at bus stops The barista on the coffee shop My post lady Should I be considering all these tenuous associations as potential babysitters?

@YourFinestPantaloons Not one person has mentioned having to play hostess we are trying to give op the benefit of our different perspectives and experiences.

I had lots of visitors and didn’t make a single cup of coffee. Fuck that.

I think wait and see how you feel when baby is here but it doesn't have to be a big deal if you just want your brother to come alone. Couples don't have to do everything together and you can invite her round when you're up to it.

This isn't about your DB or hid GF, it's about you and what you feel comfortable with! You aren't under any obligation to be a people pleaser at any time, nor promote your DB's happiness at this high stress point in your life.

Tell him and everyone that you are likely to feel shattered and overwhelmed for a bit, and specify one visitor at a time from a date you will announce. Tell them you'll keep everyone in the loop and say when you're ready to socialise more, which should stop them asking. Nobody kind or thoughtful will push your boundaries. Your newborn is not a rare zoo animal for gawking at or cooing over.

You're assuming that she will want to come. I have no interest in babies and would not be offended at all: in fact I'd be actively looking for an excuse not to visit!
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but I suspect I am in the minority!

You need to accept that he is with her. You might enjoy her company and not allowing her to visit might get your relationship off on a wrong footing and that might be detrimental in the future.
It's time to draw a line in the sand and try to.move on from your anxiety. Having a baby is not easy and you will need adult company to keep you sane over the coming months.

I can see I'm going to get flamed for the greasy/stinky comments.

I don't like being unwashed and vulnerable in front of randoms who I don't owe anything to. No mum medal for me

See, I'm on the fence here. Op may not have been the most welcoming to her brothers gf, however after giving birth, you're just going to want to be comfortable and be yourself, if you're not necessarily that close to your siblings partner then she may feel ill at ease. You shouldn't be made to feel that way. You could just say to your brother if he'd rather wait till you're feeling up to inviting his gf too then that's ok. I knew when I had my DD we had v few visitors the first few weeks. I certainly wouldn't have felt comfortable with someone I wasn't close with accompanying a family member.

Well, different scenario entirely if you’re in your own place. You get to dictate who comes into your home. Just tell him he can visit (specify for how long, I think people can be clueless how knackering it is to host with a newborn) but you’re not happy to meet new people just now.

If your brother knows that you've had a shit time of it lately then just maybe drop him a text to say what you've told us, if she's got any compassion she'll understand if you're a bit quiet etc. I think you're overthinking it a little bit tbh. Let her visit with him and if you get a bit overwhelmed just excuse yourself with the baby and go and have a breather.
Or maybe meet both of them a couple of weeks after for a walk in the park/coffee with the baby
It can all get a bit overwhelming with visitors, I had no problem excusing myself with by newborn if I felt it was getting too much, and a couple of times it did.
You never know, she might become a lovely SIL

I agree with the wait and see how you go approach. Personally I had my first while living at home and went mad over all the visitors. Lovely people want to come over and meet the baby but it was during Covid and my mum was appearing with her friends into my bedroom every hands turn while I was trying to rest and feed the baby 😂 I think it’s perfectly fine to want some peace with the baby especially if you are feeling anxious. If you need space it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to say that!

@DockOTheBay

If you're worried that she doesn't like you because of the way you have acted when you've met before, why would you want to further alienate her? She probably doesn't think you're a cow, its easy to overthinkk these things, but she probably will if you do this.

^^ this

Look, you ultimately get to decide on who comes into your home and gets to interact with you and your baby.

What is your fear, though? What are you afraid will happen if she visits?

The OP would be a cow for not inviting a practical stranger to meet her newborn?

What?

Wonder if she'd have got different responses of it was her sister's boyfriend rather than her brother's girlfriend?

Would that make her a cow not wanting a strange man in her home postpartum?

I would tell your brother that you only want family members/close friends to visit you and baby in the first few weeks because it’s a vulnerable time etc. And suggest he bring his girlfriend along when you’ve had time to get settled.

My brother called me when I was on the way home from the hospital after having DS1 saying he would be at my house with his girlfriend when I arrived home. I said absolutely not (after 8 days in hospital) because I was in no fit state to make small talk with someone I don’t know very well.

OP's DB and his GF do not understand from experience that giving birth is a bit like being hit by a truck.

If anyone - anyone! - tries to muscle in, just ask them how they'd feel about visitors trooping in if they'd just been run over. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Boundaries!

Re the being shy, you may feel differently after the baby is born. It's such a big thing in your life and feels like such an achievement that everything else seems to lose its importance, and you may find you really don't mind. I would meet them both for a quick cuppa and then say you're feeling tired.

@Thepennysjustdropped

Re the being shy, you may feel differently after the baby is born. It's such a big thing in your life and feels like such an achievement that everything else seems to lose its importance, and you may find you really don't mind. I would meet them both for a quick cuppa and then say you're feeling tired.

Yes but it doesn't happen overnight. I've definitely grown in confidence since having kids, I used to be very shy but it was a slow process, not a flick of a switch.

Explain your feelings to your brother and discuss with him how best to handle this, rather than a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum..

There is no right or wrong answer - he knows you and his GF best. Ask for his help and understanding, I'm sure he will want to do what's best for everyone and will know what to do.