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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

182 replies

ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:16

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

OP posts:
Eleganz · 17/10/2021 18:47

Well OP, I think you've got two choices:

  1. Ask them both to hold off on the visit for a bit citing wanting to just spend time together with the baby.

Or

  1. Welcome them both.

Otherwise you are are going to hurt your brother and potentially cause a family incident especially as you are at your mum and dad's place at the moment.

I know that might not be what you want ot here but it is the really truth. You are going to have to accept that bro and his gf come as a package at the moment.

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:47

You can be selfish. You will have just given birth. You will be feeling vulnerable. If you don't want someone you hardly know to see you vulnerable, possibly bleeding still, maybe having had surgery, maybe not able to have washed yet then I'm sure they will understand. And she can come when you're felling up to it. People don't have to do everything together just because they are are in a relationship.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 18:48

@AliceinBorderland

I don't think you can tell your parents who can come to their home. It isn't your home. You're living in theirs.
I am renting my own flat now x
QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 18:49

So....

you want to see your Brother on his own.. which is what this is ultimately about...

just say that 🌸

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 18:52

OP ignore people saying let her come. You're not spectator sport and neither is your baby, you're a human being.

I really, really, REALLY wish the message to prenatal and postnatal women was 'centre yourself more'. I get sick of hearing about women who are feeling anxious, or a bit depressed and feeling that they have to put up with people they don't want to see because it seems another human's 'right' to see a baby they'll spend the rest of their lives being able to see, is more important than anything the mother feels.

My advice to new mums is always 'do what makes you happy'. Your baby needs one thing: you. The rest is about what YOU need. If you need fewer people, and only loved ones, around to feel safe and healthy, that's what you must prioritise.

And to word it at the time "Hi, come see baby at 1.00pm on X November - but I'll be completely honest, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and hormonal at the moment and would really just like one person at a time, so just you please Brother. Hope you don't mind, Girlfriend can meet Baby next time when I'm feeling a bit more human!"

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 18:53

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You've been horrible to her and now want to continue that on because you're embarrassed?

Why can't you just apologise now and start again?

This woman may be in your life forever, she may be the mother to your nieces and nephews.

Been horrible to her? What

You know you're talking to a heavily pregnant woman who has anxiety and has been through hell and back, right?

Mebfl · 17/10/2021 18:54

Is it possible that she may not be planning on coming to meet the baby so early ? If you have only met her a handful of times, and they are together a short while, maybe she won’t turn up with him ? I don’t think I would in her circumstances - I tend to avoid new parents for the first while to give them some space.

Nayday · 17/10/2021 18:56

If it was me I'd probably be inclined to override the anxiety about the girlfriend if it's bearable.

You've said she's lovely but you worry she doesn't like you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to think that she thinks that though.

So bearing in that in mind, it will probably create a bigger deal if you don't invite her - ie naturally your brother will probably look for reassurance that you like his girlfriend?! And the irony - it's likely to look more like you don't like her if you're asking her not to come.

If they both come, they'll have a cup of tea, coo and baby and head off. If girlfriend is a long term part of the family - harmonious family relations, if not you'll not be seeing her again to worry about.

Hope it all works out OP.

Karwomannghia · 17/10/2021 18:57

Your baby isn’t here yet, it seems a bit early to decide you don’t want her there, seems like you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet about her. You might feel really happy for visitors next month, don’t make any decisions now and I wouldn’t say anything to your brother now as it will come across as you excluding her in a rather premeditated way and could really get things off on the wrong foot.

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 18:59

OP ignore people saying let her come. You're not spectator sport and neither is your baby, you're a human being

I think everyone has missed that the OP is living in her parents having got pregnant as a uni student.

So not only is she living rent free and having a baby in their home. It is acceptable for her to curtail who can come to her parents home.

Right. Didn't I just see a thread about charging 18 yo who have any kind of paid employment.

The OP cannot do what she likes in her parents home.

sadie9 · 17/10/2021 19:01

Don't make a decision now. Wait til the time comes. Then all it will take is one text to say you can only handle your immediate family members at the minute. But wait until the time. You are creating a problem in your mind that hasn't happened yet.

Nayday · 17/10/2021 19:02

Ah just seen baby isn't here yet - apologies I thought your baby was 4 months.

If you can I'd be thinking about something else in your last few weeks -.i live with anxiety too so know that's easier said than done!

Its entirely reasonable with your new born to say 'just family please' if that's how you feel at the time. With my first baby we were totally PFB and banned visitors for weeks. Very wanky but a bit of a thing at the time! This didn't last - by no 2 we were asking visitors from the minute we got home recognizing the value of extra hands and biscuits 🤣.
Have a relaxing rest of your pregnancy OP.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:02

@AliceinBorderland you have no idea if she's living rent free or not!

And technically her parents can have whoever they like in her home but I'd like to think a half decent human would ask the woman with the newborn baby who she is ok with coming round to see her child.

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 19:03

I think everyone has missed that the OP is living in her parents having got pregnant as a uni student. I think you've missed that she isn't living with her parents any more.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:03

@AliceinBorderland

OP ignore people saying let her come. You're not spectator sport and neither is your baby, you're a human being

I think everyone has missed that the OP is living in her parents having got pregnant as a uni student.

So not only is she living rent free and having a baby in their home. It is acceptable for her to curtail who can come to her parents home.

Right. Didn't I just see a thread about charging 18 yo who have any kind of paid employment.

The OP cannot do what she likes in her parents home.

I don’t live at my parents house. I managed to get a zero hour contract job as a Carer, which I will have to return to almost immediately after my baby is born as I don’t get maternity pay, and I am supplementing it with universal credit. I am working hard to have my own place to raise my baby, not living rent free at my mums.
Justme10 · 17/10/2021 19:03

Ive been exactly where you are and it does take time to get back to yourself, it's hard but you seem to be coping well Thanks

You will be feeling vulnerable after having your baby, hormones all over the place and physically you will have been through a lot so you don't have to have anyone visit that will make you feel uncomfortable especially someone new who you don't know well.

I think explain to your brother what you have been going through and how you've feeling and ask him to explain to his girlfriend that it's not been anything personal towards her. And when your back to yourself you will be making more of an effort with her.

Bodule · 17/10/2021 19:04

@Winter2020

Be the change you want to see

Not only let her come but welcome her and ask her how she is. You want a good relationship with your brother's partner so don't shut her out.

I'm glad you are starting to feel better. Let the love and excitement you all feel for your new baby help you to move forward in this new phase of your life. Congratulations!

This is very, very sensible.
AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 19:05

@OtterAndDog are you the OP

CharleyMarley · 17/10/2021 19:05

You've just had a baby (and under difficult circumstances) - you can decide who visits!

Just say, "looking forward bro, can it just be you for the first visit as I'm feeling a bit emotional" or something

Bellringer · 17/10/2021 19:05

Do what you feel comfortable with, there aren't any rules

lilcolibri · 17/10/2021 19:05

aww OP.

You sound a lot like me with the anxiety, based on that you asking your brother to come alone sounds like it could trigger more anxiety for you later on -- because then you'll be fretting about this and any falling out with your brother and his gf.

So based on that I'd invite them both, swallow the anixety as best you can if only so you're not extra stressed about when her first visit actually is.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:07

@OtterAndDog I think you've had a name change fail me dear!

CharleyMarley · 17/10/2021 19:07

@AliceinBorderland

OP ignore people saying let her come. You're not spectator sport and neither is your baby, you're a human being

I think everyone has missed that the OP is living in her parents having got pregnant as a uni student.

So not only is she living rent free and having a baby in their home. It is acceptable for her to curtail who can come to her parents home.

Right. Didn't I just see a thread about charging 18 yo who have any kind of paid employment.

The OP cannot do what she likes in her parents home.

I think YOU might have missed @AliceinBorderland, that the OP is renting a flat.... oh the irony!
OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:08

Yes sorry username change. New to mumsnet and realised I’ve been posting lots of private questions and my first username was really bloody obvious to anyone who might know me in real life! So I’ve changed it for the future x

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 19:08

Ha but I completely think your brother should understand your having a tumultuous time and appreciate you’re feeling stressed
When you’re ready they both meet baby together, you don’t actually have to accommodate other people wishes & preferences when you’re pg or immediately after having a baby
Congratulations btw, and take care