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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

182 replies

ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:16

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/10/2021 19:24

Why should the OP be trying to make a good impression? She's just had a baby. This is not a time for her to be considering anyone else's needs or priorities other than her and her baby's.

If the girlfriend takes offence at being excluded, she's a knob.

This place has really changed. It used to be that new mums didn't even want to see the in-laws after giving birth which I thought was a bit OTT.

But now it's rude if you want to exclude a woman you barely know.

Bonkers.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:25

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

See I don’t get this “I want to hide away when I’ve had a baby” honestly I was so proud of DS and myself and so in love with him I wanted the whole world to see him.

Be nice op, she might be the mother of your nieces and nephews plus you might need a babysitter at some point Wink

I haven’t even met my son yet and I’m already so proud and in love with him! It’s nothing to do with my feelings towards my lovely baby.
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 19:26

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

See I don’t get this “I want to hide away when I’ve had a baby” honestly I was so proud of DS and myself and so in love with him I wanted the whole world to see him.

Be nice op, she might be the mother of your nieces and nephews plus you might need a babysitter at some point Wink

Good for you. I felt like shit and wanted to crawl away and die.
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 17/10/2021 19:26

@YourFinestPantaloons Oh FFS - I’m just putting forward another point of view.
This sounds like ops first baby - she doesn’t know how she’s going to feel does she?

She might want to share the joy of such a wonderful occasion (Mumsnet is such a weird place)

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 19:29

I could not be bothered seeing anyone in weeks after I had my babies I was a physical & emotional wreck. Calls went to voicemail and I saw people it suited me to do so

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 17/10/2021 19:30

@Aquamarine1029 such an ironic comment - can YOU not appreciate that she might feel like visitors after the birth - some people do

Holly60 · 17/10/2021 19:31

In fact OP you are getting two schools of advice here and to be fair neither are bad.

One group is suggesting you go ahead and invite her - and these posters are probably thinking in terms of long term benefits for you in regard to improved familial relationships snd support.

The other group is possibly thinking more short term and reminding you that of course as the mum you get to decide who meets your baby. There is less focus here on the relationship between you, your Dbro and his gf.

You have to weigh up the pros and cons to both courses of action and decide what is going to be best for you.

Good luck with everything!

RedMarauder · 17/10/2021 19:31

Just say you want to see your brother on his own.

However as you are a single mother it is best not to alienate any women you know however fleetingly as everyone is a potential baby sitter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2021 19:31

Are you getting any professional help/support/counselling for the anxiety etc?

I think that all you need to focus on right now is settling into your new home and having a healthy and happy baby. Everything else can wait.

kateg27 · 17/10/2021 19:31

You shouldn't have been a d*ck towards her when you were pregnant then should you? You can't use stress, pregnancy etc as an excuse to be rude to somebody. I'm presuming you were doing this when you still lived with your parents.
To be honest if I was your brother I wouldn't be coming either. You sound rude, selfish and very me, me, me

RosiePosieDozy · 17/10/2021 19:32

If I had been dating someone for four months, I wouldn't think it my place to go and meet his sister's baby on the first occasion that he was meeting the baby.

She might agree with this and not be planning to come.

Then again, she might turn up with your brother. I would send a text to your brother something along the lines of: 'Would really love you to come and meet the baby when they're here. Please make sure you come on your own. I would like only close family to see me in the days after the birth.'

Then you've made it clear what you want. If you upset your brother then really...so what? You'll be a new mother having just gone through birth. You need to be comfortable with the people around you. Surely your brother will understand this? He must know about your anxiety and stress?

mountbattenbergcake · 17/10/2021 19:32

I agree with pp, she has been with him for 5 minutes, and a baby is not entertainment for anyone and everyone.

Just tell it’s family only visits for a while.

Livelovebehappy · 17/10/2021 19:33

I think you are probably projecting the fact that you’re alone now, and are a bit jealous around them presenting themselves as a couple. I get where you’re coming from as I was the same when I was alone, and envied my friends who were in couples. I think you need to start with a clean slate, and not tell your brother to come alone. He will put his gf first, and you will alienate them both, when you’re probably going to need the support of your family going forward.

shreddednips · 17/10/2021 19:33

It's fine for you to ask your brother to come on his own. I think it would be fine even if they had been together for ages. You'll have just given birth, it's normal to feel sore and vulnerable and wobbly in that situation. You say she's a nice person- so I'm sure she'll understand that when you're feeling vulnerable having just had a baby, you might only want you family/closest friends/whoever you feel most comfortable with seeing you tired and emotional around you.

I think the feeling that you haven't got off to the best start with her is a separate issue. Perhaps as a PP suggested it would be a good idea to confide in your brother about how you're feeling? He might be able to have a chat with his gf and explain that you've been having a rough time and you very much want to get to know her properly once you're in a less vulnerable place. Again, if she's nice, I'm sure she'll understand and be sympathetic.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself here, and I think you'll make yourself more anxious if you feel the pressure to build a relationship with her (when you're already anxious about what impression she has of you) right after giving birth. Honestly, I think everything you've said is really understandable and I'm sure her and your brother will understand.

Clymene · 17/10/2021 19:34

@kateg27

You shouldn't have been a d*ck towards her when you were pregnant then should you? You can't use stress, pregnancy etc as an excuse to be rude to somebody. I'm presuming you were doing this when you still lived with your parents. To be honest if I was your brother I wouldn't be coming either. You sound rude, selfish and very me, me, me
She wasn't a dick to her Confused
OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:35

@kateg27

You shouldn't have been a d*ck towards her when you were pregnant then should you? You can't use stress, pregnancy etc as an excuse to be rude to somebody. I'm presuming you were doing this when you still lived with your parents. To be honest if I was your brother I wouldn't be coming either. You sound rude, selfish and very me, me, me
You certainly sound like the total opposite of a dick, you sound like a really lovely lady so I will take this on board - thank you!
YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:35

have you really considered if the advice you are giving OP (who is vulnerable snd has come on here really asking for good advice) is the best advice IN THE LONG TERM

Having worked as a gynae nurse I'm well versed in helping women who have PND, and what absolutely matters in trying to best avoid increasing the risk of PND is very much what happens IN THE SHORT TERM. It's very much about the day-to-day things that makes a woman have a wholly positive postnatal experience, and sacrificing your own needs to please others is a very easy precedent to set.

This woman may be her future SIL but equally (more likely) she may not be around much longer. The OP should not prioritise this woman's feelings above her own MH.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:36

@RedMarauder

Just say you want to see your brother on his own.

However as you are a single mother it is best not to alienate any women you know however fleetingly as everyone is a potential baby sitter.

Confused

Can men not babysit these days?

TertiusLydgate · 17/10/2021 19:37

Just let her visit and stop being odd.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:37

@kateg27

You shouldn't have been a d*ck towards her when you were pregnant then should you? You can't use stress, pregnancy etc as an excuse to be rude to somebody. I'm presuming you were doing this when you still lived with your parents. To be honest if I was your brother I wouldn't be coming either. You sound rude, selfish and very me, me, me
Whereas you sound delightful Hmm
shreddednips · 17/10/2021 19:37

@kateg27

You shouldn't have been a d*ck towards her when you were pregnant then should you? You can't use stress, pregnancy etc as an excuse to be rude to somebody. I'm presuming you were doing this when you still lived with your parents. To be honest if I was your brother I wouldn't be coming either. You sound rude, selfish and very me, me, me
That's uncalled for. OP has said she wasn't rude, just more withdrawn than she would have liked to be because she was struggling with her mental health and it sounds like she's had a really tough time.
CalamariGames · 17/10/2021 19:38

If the main reason you don't want to see her is that you may not have made the best impression on her, then I think you would be making a mistake to miss the perfect opportunity for a meeting where it will be so easy to make things better between you.

If she comes along with your DB you wouldn't have to make much effort beyond allowing her to hold PFB and everyone will have something nice to talk about and it will be really easy to get along.

So far you have been understandably a bit moody when you were pregnant and had some problems going on in your life, but you have never done anything directly to upset her, so she probably didn't take it personally. Whereas if you exclude her from a nice event she might be a bit hurt and think you don't like her.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 19:38

@Holly60

In fact OP you are getting two schools of advice here and to be fair neither are bad.

One group is suggesting you go ahead and invite her - and these posters are probably thinking in terms of long term benefits for you in regard to improved familial relationships snd support.

The other group is possibly thinking more short term and reminding you that of course as the mum you get to decide who meets your baby. There is less focus here on the relationship between you, your Dbro and his gf.

You have to weigh up the pros and cons to both courses of action and decide what is going to be best for you.

Good luck with everything!

This is a good summary. I feel much more empowered to make the decision to only have my immediate family and not her - this is seeing as I will be vulnerable, tired and emotional after giving birth! However, equally I’ve taken on board the long term affect this could have. I suppose a cup of tea for half an hour wouldn’t hurt and will help me to feel better and more comfortable around her in the future. I will play it by ear, but thank you everyone for your advice.
YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 19:38

@TertiusLydgate

Just let her visit and stop being odd.
@TertiusLydgate what's odd about the OP?
mountbattenbergcake · 17/10/2021 19:39

@TertiusLydgate

Just let her visit and stop being odd.
It’s not odd not to want someone you barely know to visit when you’ve had a baby.
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