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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my brothers very nice new girlfriend to meet my newborn?

182 replies

ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:16

My brother has been in a relationship with his new girlfriend for probably about 4 months now. I’ve met her a handful of times and she seems very nice. I’m quite a shy person and I’ve really struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy (whole host of reasons.. broke up with my baby’s dad, ended up back at my parents and unsure of where I could live, being in a shit financial situation as I got pregnant as a uni student, blah blah blah). Because I’ve been so sad, stressed and anxious, I haven’t been particularly friendly or made much effort to get to know her. Ive not been rude but I also just felt unable to pretend to be chirpy and happy when half the time I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never been seen by anyone ever again. So anyway, I’m doing better now and starting to feel more myself but I’m well aware that I haven’t made the best impression to her, and that no doubt she thinks I’m a boring, moody cow.

My baby is due next month and of course my brother wants to come and visit. I feel a bit awkward around his new girlfriend, because I am shy and also because I know I’ve not made a good impression, and because of this I’d rather he just come by himself to see the baby - at first anyway! Of course not forever.

If I asked him not to bring her, I think he would be a bit confused and offended as she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Although I’d prefer her not to be there, so I can just relax, I also don’t just want to be a dick. I have a feeling that I am being unreasonable to be fair, and am probably just causing a weird atmosphere for no reason ...

What do you guys think? Ask him to come by himself at first or stop being selfish and just let her come with?

OP posts:
Jsgdud · 17/10/2021 18:19

I do think asking him to come by himself is a bit off... You can't help how you feel but I would think it would make your relationship with her worse not better?

sashagabadon · 17/10/2021 18:19

Just let her come. People love newborns.
She might be your future sister in law and aunty to your baby and you might be aunty to her children. It’s good to build bonds now.

Winterfellismyhome · 17/10/2021 18:20

I think let her come. It could be a nice way to start fresh. The longer you leave it, the more awkward it will be. Congratulations on your pregnancy Thanks

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/10/2021 18:21

You've been horrible to her and now want to continue that on because you're embarrassed?

Why can't you just apologise now and start again?

This woman may be in your life forever, she may be the mother to your nieces and nephews.

AppleButter · 17/10/2021 18:21

You can say the midwives advised that due to corona cautions as few people as possible should see the baby.
Fully understand where you are coming from, we didn’t have anyone except grandparents visit in the first weeks. It is a nesting period with as few interruptions required as possible.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 18:21

I would stop worrying about what this random woman thinks. She's been your brother's girlfriend for all of 5 seconds, and you've been dealing with an enormous amount of stress and upheaval. Tell your brother you'd prefer to hold off on your baby meeting her, but given you're living at your parents home, you can't make the rules as to who visits. If she does come, just be polite and make it short and sweet.

Original poster
ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:22

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You've been horrible to her and now want to continue that on because you're embarrassed?

Why can't you just apologise now and start again?

This woman may be in your life forever, she may be the mother to your nieces and nephews.

Hmm where did you get the horrible from? X
OP posts:
DockOTheBay · 17/10/2021 18:23

If you're worried that she doesn't like you because of the way you have acted when you've met before, why would you want to further alienate her? She probably doesn't think you're a cow, its easy to overthinkk these things, but she probably will if you do this.

Cherrysoup · 17/10/2021 18:24

So your brother isn’t allowed to bring his girlfriend to your parents’ house? I don’t think that’s your decision to make.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/10/2021 18:24

I don't think you'd be unreasonable either way. You've been through a lot and putting on a smile might just be a step too far. If you were to tell your brother not to invite her then be honest and say you're feeling fragile and not up for socialising.

Original poster
ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:25

@Aquamarine1029

I would stop worrying about what this random woman thinks. She's been your brother's girlfriend for all of 5 seconds, and you've been dealing with an enormous amount of stress and upheaval. Tell your brother you'd prefer to hold off on your baby meeting her, but given you're living at your parents home, you can't make the rules as to who visits. If she does come, just be polite and make it short and sweet.
This is personally what my gut reaction is too but I know I sometimes let my social awkwardness rule my decisions a bit too much so I wondered what others thought x

(Also for info - I’m not living at my parents home now, I managed to start renting a flat, which has contributed to me feeling loads better!)

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 17/10/2021 18:26

They’ll probably be there 30 mins, coo at baby, bring a gift, have a cuppa then leave. I used to love visitors. The more the merrier but short visits were best.

fitsandgiggles · 17/10/2021 18:26

Aww love it's completely understandable, maybe say first time he comes to meet baby can he come alone just with covid/colds etc then when your up to it girlfriend can meet the baby. Maybe even send her a message just saying I hope you don't think I'm being off I'm just anxious about germs and a new first time mum

SW1amp · 17/10/2021 18:27

I would use it as a good opportunity to say something like ‘between pregnancy hormones and now newborn sleep deprivation, you’ve not seen the best of me since we first met, but hopefully I’ll be back to my usual self soon!’

Szyz2020 · 17/10/2021 18:28

Can you explain how you’ve been feeling to your brother? Not with a view to him not bringing her, but to tell him how you are, how you’ve been and also to show that you’re self-aware. You know you’ve not been yourself and you don’t want her to think this is the real you. Starting over with the new person in your life enables you also to be a new person, a mother. He’ll be an uncle as well as a brother. If his gf is a keeper she’ll be this baby’s aunt and I reckon if she’s lovely and you’re able to do a bit of groundwork she’ll be nothing but delighted and honoured to be included from the offset with your baby, and it will help you all reset and start afresh.

I was one of the first people to hold my SIL’s baby, my DH / her brother was away with work for a week when our niece arrived. I was still asked over and included in that first week and honestly although we are not blood relatives I fell in love with that baby as my niece and am still completely bowled over that I was included in their new family.

Winter2020 · 17/10/2021 18:28

Be the change you want to see

Not only let her come but welcome her and ask her how she is. You want a good relationship with your brother's partner so don't shut her out.

I'm glad you are starting to feel better. Let the love and excitement you all feel for your new baby help you to move forward in this new phase of your life. Congratulations!

SnarkyBag · 17/10/2021 18:30

I think it’s fine to make that decision but you also need to accept that should you decide at a future date you’d like to get to know her better then she may not be open to the idea and that wouldn’t be unreasonable on her part either.

Pottedpalm · 17/10/2021 18:30

I would say let her come while the excitement of the new baby covers any awkwardness. Make a cup of tea and let them meet the baby, maybe comment on how much better you are feeling and that things have been difficult. You could pre warn your DB that only a short visit is in order.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 17/10/2021 18:33

Well, you could just decide to make up fir being a moody cow by welcoming her & saying you're so glad the baby is here now & you feel so much more your old self'🤗

I know it's hard, but she may be in your life for a long time & she may turn out to be a good person to have in your new start life!!

But if you really really can't face seeing anyone just say you're being very cautious & limiting the number of people who visit your newborn due to Covid. (I honestly would be)

Best wishes for the birth & your new start!!!

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:34

You could use the covid excuse, legitimate excuse. Or you could say you don't know how you'll feel after the birth so it might be that you aren't comfortable round someone you don't know that well. But then make sure you do invite them both a couple of weeks after.

Burnerphone21 · 17/10/2021 18:37

I would ask him to wait a while - something that's really triggering (can be) for pnd is around loss of control in the early nb days. Something is niggling you. It's your baby.

Buttons294749 · 17/10/2021 18:41

She might be with your DB forever and you want to have a lovely relationship with your DC's aunt (free babysitting Anyone? 😂)

I would say to dbro that you are feeling tired etc and could they both just stay 30 mins, quick hi aren't they cute thanks for the gift and they are off.

Fwiw I met my now SIL for the first time when i had literally just given birth and was on a catheter. I was like "hi I'm buttons and this is a bag of my pee" 😂 it was fine and she's now a well loved member (although in that instance you would be NU to refuse)

Or pip over when they are st your parents for a quick hello and then leave.

As a lone parent she may be a useful ally when you need a break from your whirlwind toddler

Also she won't have judged you, it's easy to magnify these things in your head. I'm sure she will just be please to meet your little one. It's easy to get bogged down by these things but you can do it! Xx

Dixiechickonhols · 17/10/2021 18:41

Just let her come. If you tell him not to bring her you’ll make things a lot worse - she’ll think you don’t like her. Just keep visit short if that helps.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 18:42

@Burnerphone21

I would ask him to wait a while - something that's really triggering (can be) for pnd is around loss of control in the early nb days. Something is niggling you. It's your baby.
“Loss of control” is a great way of putting it! It honestly worries me more the fact that I feel I can’t ask my brother to come alone, rather than the actual act of her coming round if that makes sense? Like I feel I have no control over the situation because I’ll be judged and people feel they have a right to see the baby - which I guess they do but ugh feeling like I have no option but to let someone I don’t really know have a role in an intimate part of my life just makes me feel really trapped. I know I’m being dramatic, but it makes me feel so stressed :(
AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 18:43

I don't think you can tell your parents who can come to their home. It isn't your home. You're living in theirs.

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