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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he tight with money?

197 replies

ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 15:19

Been with boyfriend for 2.5 years. We still live separately but he comes over a few times a week. I've started to notice over the last few months that he seems to be a bit tight with money but I'm not sure if it's just me.

He'll do things like come over for the evening, if we then go out somewhere he'll automatically walk to my car rather than his, expecting me to drive, every single time. If we go cinema I'll book the tickets (I have a Cineworld unlimited card), but he has never once given me the money back for his ticket, or even offered to. We've always gone around once a week so this does add up.

If I suggest going somewhere that involves buying tickets, I'll buy them as it was my suggestion but he'll never offer to pay for his ticket. He never suggests going anywhere.

To be fair to him if we go out for dinner he will usually pay, but we only do this maybe once every couple of months.

We earn the same amount, except my outgoings are a lot more than his (house, children etc).

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/10/2021 11:54

@ellaboo2 - it shouldn't take you more than 10-15 minutes to work out approximately how much you've spent on this cocklodger boyfriend over the past 2.5 years, compared to how much HE has spent. Be sure to include all the meals you've cooked for him.

Then plug the net amount into an online calculator that works out how much this sum might be worth if instead you had fed it into a Vanguard tracker fund or similar.

The bottom line could be in a JISA for your children.

Stop being a mug. No man is worth this shit.

DampSquidGames · 18/10/2021 11:54

Lots of good advice here. I’m really cross with him .

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 12:06

You are going to have so much extra cash when you get rid of him. What are you going to treat yourself to?

wewereliars · 18/10/2021 12:20

There's no happy ending with someone who doesn't even have the energy/ enthusiasm to arrange outings and has to be prompted to pay their share.

He is taking advantage of your passive nature OP and has litle respect for you. This is not going to get better, it's who he is.

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 13:52

I recently had a member of my family pass away and am due to receive quite a substantial amount of inheritance (although this is will take a long time). DP has been very supportive during this period. My eldest DC asked me the other day what I was going to do with the money (she's older so understands how it works but also still asks blunt questions as kids can do), and DP answered 'She's taking us all to Disneyland!'. Now it was said as a joke but there was definitely an underlying feeling that he thought I would be doing something similar.

I definitely need sit down and work out what I'm going to do. He does have his good points but as I said up thread, I'm starting to feel really quite resentful which probably isn't going to end well!

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 18/10/2021 13:56

What are the good points?

Do not treat him to a penny of that inheritance. He has done nothing to deserve it!

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 13:57

omg please end this ...

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 14:00

Oh he's not joking.
He's got his eyes on your cash.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 18/10/2021 14:02

He is a tight arse, which as someone has already said, a truly ugly/unattractive trait. Dump him!

wewereliars · 18/10/2021 14:05

He's hanging on for that cash OP, dump!

HollowTalk · 18/10/2021 14:07

This gets worse and worse. He's using you, OP. I'd get rid. He owes you a fortune and now wants you to use an inheritance to take him on holiday. Tell him where to go.

Yogawankonobi · 18/10/2021 14:08

Stop paying for everything. Book a ticket for yourself and ask when he’s booking his. If he doesn’t, go alone.

You are acting like his mother which seems to suit both of you.

HollowTalk · 18/10/2021 14:08

Hate to say it but I think his eyes lit up when he heard you'd inherit.

Livpool · 18/10/2021 14:12

Definitely tight - which is so unattractive. I'd have to end things

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 14:16

@Yogawankonobi If it suited me to act like his mother I wouldn't be on here asking for advice!

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 18/10/2021 14:20

OP your post about your future inheritance is ringing alarm bells. Do you think he doesn’t pay his share because of the money you will come into soon?
You sound lovely and I think he’s taking the piss. I do think you need to be more assertive. Would you pay for theatre tickets for your friends? If not how would you ask them for the money? Do the same with him.
Regarding the cinema, you tell him to get the app, put your cineworld card number on his account and he books all tickets from now on.

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 14:41

He's not paying for anything because he knows you're coming in to money. What a prick.

LondonSouth28 · 18/10/2021 17:44

As you say once resentment is present it's as good as dead. End it quickly and quietly - don't drag it out and spend even more of him! And sweet lord above do not take him to Disney land! Nothing will make you feel more like his mother than paying to take him to Disney land ...

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 17:57

@LondonSouth28

As you say once resentment is present it's as good as dead. End it quickly and quietly - don't drag it out and spend even more of him! And sweet lord above do not take him to Disney land! Nothing will make you feel more like his mother than paying to take him to Disney land ...
This. I have been had by a similar 'nice' guy who had his supposed good points. It's not even that you have spent money on him it's that he's letting you. That's the bit that makes me angry. Yeah end it quietly and quickly. I wouldn't even bother telling him i thoughf he was tight.
FreshFreesias · 18/10/2021 18:10

I’d stop arranging anything else and do stuff with friends.
Once you conclusively know someone is tight that’s it, there is no going back.

1FootInTheRave · 18/10/2021 18:24

He 100% is not joking about Disney.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 18:25

@1FootInTheRave

He 100% is not joking about Disney.
That's what i thought. What a pig.
Hankunamatata · 18/10/2021 18:31

Well you need to open your mouth and be clear each time.

Ask him if he wants to go to the cinema when he says yes 'oh great your turn to pay this week'

He always want you to drive, you say- I will stop off at petrol station and you can put £10 /£20 in my car

Everytime you organise to go anywhere tell him plainly you expect him to transfer x amount for his ticket.

He is relying on you not asking and being upfront

Chnage that

Standrewsschool · 18/10/2021 18:33

He’s now put the idea of Disney into your dc’s head, and definantly thought that your money is ‘family’ money.ie. For him as well as for you,

I think you’ll have to mention that it’s ringfenced for your future, kids uni fees, new car etc

It’s not up to him to decide how you spend it.

FlowerArranger · 18/10/2021 18:34

Have you had a stab at working out roughly how much this man has cost you over the years?

Is whatever you got in return worth it?