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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he tight with money?

197 replies

ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 15:19

Been with boyfriend for 2.5 years. We still live separately but he comes over a few times a week. I've started to notice over the last few months that he seems to be a bit tight with money but I'm not sure if it's just me.

He'll do things like come over for the evening, if we then go out somewhere he'll automatically walk to my car rather than his, expecting me to drive, every single time. If we go cinema I'll book the tickets (I have a Cineworld unlimited card), but he has never once given me the money back for his ticket, or even offered to. We've always gone around once a week so this does add up.

If I suggest going somewhere that involves buying tickets, I'll buy them as it was my suggestion but he'll never offer to pay for his ticket. He never suggests going anywhere.

To be fair to him if we go out for dinner he will usually pay, but we only do this maybe once every couple of months.

We earn the same amount, except my outgoings are a lot more than his (house, children etc).

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
RandomLondoner · 18/10/2021 09:31

[quote girlmom21]@RandomLondoner but she's paying for everything because he doesn't arrange anything.

If they were both making nice plans, covering the costs for the activities they'd planned, etc, your point would be completely understandable.

As it is, he makes no effort if she doesn't make plans. [/quote]
I would be perfectly fine with arranging everything, I wouldn't hold it against someone that they were fairly passive and left me in charge of everything. I wouldn't even think about it. I'm not saying OP should feel the way I would, I just find the difference interesting.

I could also say that at almost any time in my adult life, the money would have been insignificant to me anyway, but I honestly don't think I would feel differently even if the money were significant. In that case I think I'd just think of things to do that cost less money.

Another difference is that, except in the first few weeks of a relationship, I'd probably rather stay in than go out anyway. 2.5 years into a relationship, I'd probably find it slightly annoying if the other person wanted to go out multiple times a month, even if they did all the organising and paying. But I realise many people a few decades younger than me feel differently.

RandomLondoner · 18/10/2021 09:33

The last two paragraphs were me speculating why me feeling differently might be irrelevant. I'll try to pipe down now.

ChargingBuck · 18/10/2021 09:39

I have brought it up recently and to be honest he made me feel like I was being silly

That's ... concerning.

If I were your mate, & you awkwardly raised a money-sharing issue with me, I'd want to discuss it immediately, to make sure we were treating each other fairly.

But if I were financially shady, I wouldn't want to discuss it at all, & telling you you are silly & making you feel wrong for raising it would be a really useful tactic ...

Also - Man Tells Woman Her Opinion Is Invalid shocker, anyone?

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:41

Either he thinks you're his Mum or that you should pay for his presence.

Don't know which is worse.

ChargingBuck · 18/10/2021 09:42

We still live separately but he comes over a few times a week.

Who menu plans, shops, cooks & pays for the food?

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:44

If I were your mate, & you awkwardly raised a money-sharing issue with me, I'd want to discuss it immediately, to make sure we were treating each other fairly.

I have this sometimes with my partner. Checking the way we've split something is fair. That the other is happy. That's the normal way.

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:45

At this point. Unless you can produce a string of his wonderful redeeming characteristics (amazing in bed, witty, sensitive,talented, DIY pro). I'd say just ditch him.

Eralos · 18/10/2021 09:46

Just because you suggest something it doesn’t mean you have to pay? I mean you’re giving him a choice to say yes or no? Not forcing him? Then he should pay his share?

tickledtiger · 18/10/2021 09:51

Yes he’s tight. If he wasn’t he’d offer to pay now and again even as a gesture.

Cryalot2 · 18/10/2021 10:06

Maybe it's the way he has been brought up ?
I am not making excuses for him, but sometimes this can be why people are the way they are. If he genuinely doesn't understand what you mean.
What is he like otherwise? Is he kind and does he make you happy. Or is he selfish?
Is he saving for anything in particular, or has he hit poverty in his past .

ErickBroch · 18/10/2021 10:13

RTFT - I am not sure how you have let this continue? Really? I can't see how this will get any better with time, only worse.

yeahitsabadidea · 18/10/2021 10:22

I'm genuinely puzzled this has been going on for so long and you're querying whether it's ok.

I have gone out with an 'organiser' who liked to plan and book things. I still offered to pay or picked up the meal instead.

I've had disparities in earnings and gone out with a bloody multi millionaire who never wanted me to pay for anything. But I still offered. And bought the occasional (really cheap compared to his extravagant meals) dinners. He was always grateful when I bought him a coffee (!) but it was the gesture rather than the amount and me saying I didn't take him for granted.

The fact that he's made you feel silly is a big warning to me. I would be mortified if my partner felt I was taking them for granted.

Work out the last six months. You say he pays for meals. But that's only once every 2/3 months. But you go to the cinema once a week. And he's at your 2/3 days a week eating your food. You book and pay for everything. Including your own ticket for something HE wants to see. What does it work out to? I think you need to see the cold figures.

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2021 10:28

What’s good about him?

He’s not generous, he expects you to plan and pay for everything (no fun), he comes round a few times a week and eats your food and every now and then he’ll throw you a bone in the form of a meal.

You’ve been with him 2.5 years but only noticed this in the last few months … what’s changed?

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2021 10:33

the odd occasion we've done something that he's suggested / wanted to do, and I've only gone for him / had no interest in it, then I've also had to pay for my own ticket!

How did that conversation go, out of interest?

Did he ask you upfront for the money, or did you offer?

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 18/10/2021 10:42

I was with someone like this. We broke up and afterwards I was so glad I’d never moved in with him. If you don’t feel you can talk about money with your partner then you’re with the wrong person.

Buckydoesafart · 18/10/2021 10:46

As he hasn’t paid for the things you have booked - I would rearrange and take a friend if he doesn’t give you his share. Send him a message stating you owe me xxx for these events over the coming weeks and ask for a bank transfer - if he pays great, if he doesn’t take a friend. Life is too short to put up with these freeloaders. Also if someone cared for you - they would make sure they paid their share.

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 10:51

@NoSquirrels Nothing'a changed as such but I never really noticed before how much I paid for and how little he did. It's actually starting to make me feel a bit resentful.

For that occasion, the ticket need to be bought until you were actually at the venue so when we turned up he went through first and bought his, and then I had to buy mine!

OP posts:
Original poster
ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 10:52

*the ticket didn't need to be bought

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 10:52

He's going to carry on taking as long as you carry on giving.
You need to stop.

yeahitsabadidea · 18/10/2021 11:03

[quote ellaboo2]@NoSquirrels Nothing'a changed as such but I never really noticed before how much I paid for and how little he did. It's actually starting to make me feel a bit resentful.

For that occasion, the ticket need to be bought until you were actually at the venue so when we turned up he went through first and bought his, and then I had to buy mine! [/quote]
You need to get a lot resentful. Not a bit. This is ridiculously cheeky.

But as I said the fact he's made you feel bad for querying it is the bigger red flag to me.

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy.

CrumpetStrumpet · 18/10/2021 11:09

Are you his mum?

Seriously op, this needs to stop! You are basically paying this man to be your boyfriend. Does he have a cock like a rampant rabbit or something? He's taking you for a mug. Spend the money on your DC. Not on this disinterested man who is happy to take your cash and belittle your concerns into the bargain.

Raise your standards. You deserve betterFlowers

CrumpetStrumpet · 18/10/2021 11:10

What do you even get out of this relationship? He's tight, dismissive and doesn't even want to take you anywhere. What's the point of him?

TwoDrifters2 · 18/10/2021 11:19

Do you have friends or siblings who would join you for the theatre trips? If so, I would message him and say:

“I have 2x tickets for X on the 12th of November. If you want to come, can you please send me the £y for your ticket? No pressure if you don’t fancy it, I have people in reserve who want to come, but I thought I’d give you first refusal 😊”

That way he knows he will miss out if he doesn’t pay.

gaggleofgeese · 18/10/2021 11:24

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a child.

LondonSouth28 · 18/10/2021 11:43

Total cocklodger and then he has the front to be all 'what?! What are you talking about?!' So if you really like him and want to give him a chance, start asking for 50% of everything. Give him a weekly tally. If he complains you have proven he is a cocklodger and you can get rid without doubting yourself later.

Also he plans nothing?! - he sounds boring and you're like his mother organising activities for him. Incredibly unsexy.

Remember every £ you spend on him that he doesn't pay his half of, is money you can spend on your kids... that's what would really upset me.