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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he tight with money?

197 replies

ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 15:19

Been with boyfriend for 2.5 years. We still live separately but he comes over a few times a week. I've started to notice over the last few months that he seems to be a bit tight with money but I'm not sure if it's just me.

He'll do things like come over for the evening, if we then go out somewhere he'll automatically walk to my car rather than his, expecting me to drive, every single time. If we go cinema I'll book the tickets (I have a Cineworld unlimited card), but he has never once given me the money back for his ticket, or even offered to. We've always gone around once a week so this does add up.

If I suggest going somewhere that involves buying tickets, I'll buy them as it was my suggestion but he'll never offer to pay for his ticket. He never suggests going anywhere.

To be fair to him if we go out for dinner he will usually pay, but we only do this maybe once every couple of months.

We earn the same amount, except my outgoings are a lot more than his (house, children etc).

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 23:18

@GoodnightGrandma

Oh and LTB.

And this.

Datgal · 17/10/2021 23:20

If he doesn't know what you're on about when you've tried to talk to him. I'd just sit him down and explain.. you've paid for theatre tickets, cinema tickets. He can't not see?! And if he still doesn't, bloody get rid. Tight arse.

jewel1968 · 17/10/2021 23:38

I think you are going to have to be unemotional and matter of fact. As everyone here is saying calmly say - I booked the tickets and your share is £x. Your resentment will build and build and to be fair to you need to give him a chance to do the right thing regarding money. It is possible he just doesn't understand but you won't know until you ask him to contribute.

What are the risks of asking him for his share in whatever expenditure you incur.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 00:50

As. If. He absolutely knows you are paying for everything.

timeisnotaline · 18/10/2021 00:56

What are the risks of asking him for his share in whatever expenditure you incur.
dinner out every few weeks/ month? Sounds like the op will come out on top if they start splitting costs- she pays all the petrol all the cinema tix all event tix and they usually eat dinner at hers where she buys and cooks (does he clean up dinner op?), so his taking her out to dinner doesnt begin to balance. She probably has to drive then too

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 01:18

End this FFS

mediumbrownmug · 18/10/2021 01:36

Some people are genuinely clueless. When we were dating, I always drove to see my then BF, and I always paid for our dates. I had less disposable income than he did, and he was aware of this. Every time the bill came he was missing or distracted with something.

It didn’t take long for me to speak up, but when I did he went every shade of red under the sun and apologized repeatedly and profusely. He hadn’t noticed at all, as he simply never paid attention. (It turned out that he had ADD, and was not on medication.) He immediately started paying for everything. We married a few years later, and even now wants to crawl under the table when he remembers.

Honestly, the fact that your partner didn’t react this way when you brought it up is a red flag to me. People who genuinely mean well and are a bit clueless don’t respond to their partner’s concerns by dismissing them as “silly.” Ever.

What would happen if you stopped paying and driving? I suspect you already have your answer, as you said he “never offers” to take you to the movies, etc.

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 01:40

They are things like the theatre. All my idea (he never suggests doing anything) and I've paid for all of them.

He might not be that arsed about doing them, or he might just be very stingy. DP has a hobby and I sometimes go with him but don't pay as it wouldn't be my first choice to go! The food thing I'd speak to him about, can you bring x, shall we go shopping together for y- I'd feel awkward randomly taking half a meal over but would happily pay towards food.

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 01:42

As everyone here is saying calmly say - I booked the tickets and your share is £x.

Cripes no, definitely discuss before booking and see if you both actually want to go. My ex would buy random tickets and then say by the way you owe me x, I always thought I don't want to bloody go so why on earth would I pay!

HanSB · 18/10/2021 01:48

He’s completely selfish and inconsiderate - how can you be with someone like this? He’s doing it on purpose because you let him get away with it by paying and never bringing the issue up. How is he with your children? People like this don’t change, the entitledness and selfishness is ingrained in them

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 18/10/2021 07:40

So you have to pay your own way when he wants to do something, but will let you pay all of the costs when you go out through mutual agreement - this to me is a clear indication if him being a tight arse. He knows full well what he's doing and it isn't a 'oh I didn't realise' situation

RedHelenB · 18/10/2021 07:47

@user1471538283

He does know what you are talking about! He is directly taking money off your children!

No he isn't OP is giving him the money. I just dont see why anyone carries on offering to drive, buy tickets cook dinner if they don't want to. Just say something!

RandomLondoner · 18/10/2021 08:44

If I were in OP's position, i.e. the one instigating everything we do together by inviting the other person, I'd be perfectly happy to pay. I'd justify this by saying the inviter paying is a a perfectly reasonable and traditional arrangement in dating. I am a man, and I suspect that makes a difference, even to some people who claim it shouldn't.

I'm not saying OP should tolerate a situation she doesn't like, I'm just saying that many people would have less strong feelings about it if the sexes were reversed.

In the unlikely event of a man making a complaint like this to me, I'd ask him why he was complaining about something he was volunteering to do. If he doesn't want to pay to take her out, he should simply stop asking her out. I wouldn't think she had done anything wrong by accepting his invitations.

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 09:02

@RandomLondoner but she's paying for everything because he doesn't arrange anything.

If they were both making nice plans, covering the costs for the activities they'd planned, etc, your point would be completely understandable.

As it is, he makes no effort if she doesn't make plans.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 09:07

@Fetarabbit

As everyone here is saying calmly say - I booked the tickets and your share is £x.

So pleased he's your xh.

Original poster

ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 09:11

@RandomLondoner I definitely understand what you're saying! The issue is 1) he doesn't ever arrange anything for us to do so if I didn't then we'd never go anywhere and 2) the odd occasion we've done something that he's suggested / wanted to do, and I've only gone for him / had no interest in it, then I've also had to pay for my own ticket!

OP posts:

CharlotteRose90 · 18/10/2021 09:11

No no and no. He clearly lets you pay as he’s tight and doesn’t want to be arsed. How about you let him organise the cinema etc he can put it on his card and you flash your cineworld card. Or better yet next time you’re going out say that he’s driving as you want a drink etc. You need to speak up.

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:13

Speak to him. Don't take this relationship any further until you have. Tell him you feel like you do everything, all the booking, driving and paying. You'd like to make it fairer. What does he suggest.

If this is met with resistance then he sees you as a meal ticket. Dump him.

Or just dump him. He doesn't seem to have much about him. Thoughtless and lazy springs to mind.

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:14

Also, when you go to the cinema, who gets the snacks and drinks?

Original poster

ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 09:18

@GabriellaMontez Sometimes I get them, sometimes he does, and sometimes we don't get anything!

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 18/10/2021 09:20

So sometimes you pay for the tickets, drive and buy snacks...

OMG does the man have no shame? Does he think you're his mummy?

Original poster

ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 09:26

@GabriellaMontez I do feel like that sometimes.

He have no issue spending money to take his DC out for the day (obviously no issue with that whatsoever!), so he definitely has plenty of spare cash.

OP posts:

Original poster

ellaboo2 · 18/10/2021 09:26

*he has

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 09:30

This is how freeloaders get away with it. Us decent folks can't imagine ever behaving like that so we assume it must be an innocent mistake. I've been had so, so many times like this before. He is treating you like an absolute mug op.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 09:31

Hes making sure you spend your money on him and he's then able to spend his money on him.

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