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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he tight with money?

197 replies

ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 15:19

Been with boyfriend for 2.5 years. We still live separately but he comes over a few times a week. I've started to notice over the last few months that he seems to be a bit tight with money but I'm not sure if it's just me.

He'll do things like come over for the evening, if we then go out somewhere he'll automatically walk to my car rather than his, expecting me to drive, every single time. If we go cinema I'll book the tickets (I have a Cineworld unlimited card), but he has never once given me the money back for his ticket, or even offered to. We've always gone around once a week so this does add up.

If I suggest going somewhere that involves buying tickets, I'll buy them as it was my suggestion but he'll never offer to pay for his ticket. He never suggests going anywhere.

To be fair to him if we go out for dinner he will usually pay, but we only do this maybe once every couple of months.

We earn the same amount, except my outgoings are a lot more than his (house, children etc).

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
FreshFreesias · 17/10/2021 19:48

That’s it. Stop organising everything and driving him around.
You’re not his mum.

Howshouldibehave · 17/10/2021 19:53

[quote ellaboo2]@DeborahAnnabel That's exactly what I was going to do but we have a couple of things booked in over the next few weeks unfortunately. [/quote]
What are they? Whose idea were they and who has booked/paid?

SpacePotato · 17/10/2021 19:55

You need to stop being a mug.

Him telling you you're being silly for even questioning his behaviour is a massive red flag.

You pay £10 a month to get unlimited cinema pass which is actually costing you £50 a month because you are paying for him too ffs.
Tell the cheeky fucker that him not wanting a pass for £10 is costing YOU £40 a month.

Seriously op get rid.

He is saving £££££ because he is taking the piss.

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 19:58

@Howshouldibehave They are things like the theatre. All my idea (he never suggests doing anything) and I've paid for all of them.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 17/10/2021 19:58

tell him straight,

I'm fed up with paying for food at mine, fuel for going out and cinema one a week and am beginning to resent it. you think Im being silly, so lets see you pay, cook dinner and drive for a while

hell either start doing so or crawl under a rock, he's to comfortable with the way things are thats why he says your being silly

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2021 19:59

[quote ellaboo2]@Howshouldibehave They are things like the theatre. All my idea (he never suggests doing anything) and I've paid for all of them. [/quote]
take a friend instead and leave him home

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 20:01

@DampSquidGames Bill is usually £20-30 and we'll go out once every 2-3 months for dinner.

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 17/10/2021 20:03

He’s definitely tight then. I was thinking if was every week or so then maybe it evened things up.

mountbattenbergcake · 17/10/2021 20:03

[quote ellaboo2]@Howshouldibehave They are things like the theatre. All my idea (he never suggests doing anything) and I've paid for all of them. [/quote]
Could you take someone else?

Or ask for money for both sets of tickets (yours and his) to see his true colours?

Winter2020 · 17/10/2021 20:10

I definately wouldn't pay for a single cinema ticket while I had a subscription so mine was free. Use his bank card to book his ticket.

TumtumTree · 17/10/2021 20:13

OP he is literally using your generosity to add to his own savings.

Sally2791 · 17/10/2021 20:22

He’s tight. Cocklodger in the making. Definitely pull him up on it.

Nayday · 17/10/2021 20:32

If you like him and want to pursue this relationship time to break the habit

'yes boyfriend, I got the tickets for xx - it's $20 - bank transfer ok? I'll ping you the details'

Or even better
'great you want to see xx too. Can you get the tickets this time and I'll transfer the money/get the next one etc'

In short he's basically getting the benefit of your extreme politeness to legitimately not pay his way..this is either because he's deliberately tight, or not realising. Either way if he's not coughing up, it's your money - stop spending it on him, or start asking for his share.

supersop60 · 17/10/2021 20:34

@SmileyClare

Hmm I think a lack of generosity is a really unattractive trait and it usually spills into every area of your life. E.g., not generous with his time, quite selfish generally, a bit dismissive of your feelings and not generous or considerate in the sack!
I totally agree with this. My DP has become more like this over the years. Tight with money and his time/attention.
DampSquidGames · 17/10/2021 20:35

Text him now and ask for his share of the theatre tickets and other things you’ve booked. Add it up and ask for the total.

Georgewontsleepnow · 17/10/2021 20:42

Next time you buy tickets, ask him to book them. I bet he asks you for your share of the cost.
He's a sponge and probably has a very healthy bank balance. He clearly watches the pennies.

Mary46 · 17/10/2021 20:44

Great advice here. Yes op nip this soon as he will get used to this.. when we were going out he paid tickets so I got the food

Bassetlover · 17/10/2021 20:45

This would be a deal breaker for me, if you are having to prompt him to pay his fair share then he's a tightarse! Get shot of him!

SmileyClare · 17/10/2021 20:48

I love this unfortunate cross post on the previous page;

HollowTalk: men like this should be lined up against the wall and shot
Op: that's exactly what I was going to do but we've got a couple of things booked

Grin
jewel1968 · 17/10/2021 21:28

I have some very tight friends so I recognise this behaviour. I honestly think they don't see the problem bit I also think they are quite receptive to challenge. Their brain doesn't work like mine in that I am paranoid I am not paying my way but they are quite logically thinking - well if she pays for it that's good.

So, I think you need to be unemotional and matter if fact. You might find he reacts quite well. My friends just have a different mindset and it took me years to understand.

He is thinking (I suspect) that she wants to go to (insert event) so she will pay as I am not bothered. He probably pays for meals out cos he wants to do that. Have more open conversation e.g. I would really like to do X? Do you want to do X? If he says yes, then say - cool that will cost you Y.

If he ain't that bothered about doing X he will think you should pay

I could be wrong....

Original poster
ellaboo2 · 17/10/2021 22:52

@jewel1968 I completely see what you're saying but I'm not sure it is that. We once went to an exhibition that he wanted to see, I had no interest in it whatsoever but I still had to pay for my own ticket!

OP posts:
VillKrill · 17/10/2021 22:55

Hmm I think a lack of generosity is a really unattractive trait and it usually spills into every area of your life. E.g., not generous with his time, quite selfish generally, a bit dismissive of your feelings and not generous or considerate in the sack!

Never a truer word was spoken!

timeisnotaline · 17/10/2021 22:58

Hi, I’d like to go to the theatre Saturday. If you want to come transfer me the money by tomorrow, otherwise I’ll see if a friend is around. Totally a crap attitude to have in a relationship though, but it’s either that or you say this isn’t working for me. Why don’t you expect to pull your weight with driving? Pay for the cinema or an event occasionally? If you don’t want to go what do you want to do? If you wanted to spend time with me you’d make an effort, and if you don’t really want to spend time with me then there’s not much point us keeping on with this is it?

BoxOfDreams · 17/10/2021 23:13

Why have you put up with this for so long?!

I know he is managing to put a reasonable amount in to his savings each month I bet he bloody well is, at yours and your children's expense!

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 23:18

@GoodnightGrandma

It should be half of everything. Driving, paying for stuff etc. I bet he’s got a nice wad of savings in his bank account.
This.