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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting some protection

155 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:29

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 17/10/2021 10:35

Don't get married.

JazzHandsYeah · 17/10/2021 10:38

I don’t think prenups are legally enforceable in the UK. But I agree you need to protect yourself from his debt, I wouldn’t get married until he had cleared all of that debt tbh.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 10:38

I don't know why you would possibly consider marrying him, especially if you have kids from a previous marriage, while he has such large debts.

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 10:40

Wait… so why do you want to get married?

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:45

@BeMoreQueer

Wait… so why do you want to get married?
We have a lovely relationship and apart from this financial nightmare I would have no qualms about it. I am thinking we should just cohabit, we don't 'need' marriage to be together. I guess im really not in camp married but needed this to see it all typed out to sink in.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:46

@gobbynorthernbird

Don't get married.
im feeling this is the best option and a cohabitation agreement to protect my house if I were to buy.
OP posts:
MsVestibule · 17/10/2021 10:56

I would strongly recommend that you don't get married. He is in his 40s, doing a NMW job, has no assets and a mountain of debt - that would seriously put me off a life partner, but if you want to stay with him, you absolutely have to protect your finances, and those of your children. A pre-nup may not give you the protection you need. You should also get a habitation agreement.

Allllchange · 17/10/2021 11:02

If he doesn't own a property or any assets worth over £2k he could get a DRO to get rid of his debt. It doesn't sound like he is able to pay it off. It Would be on his credit record for 6 years but it already is incredibly unlikely he would be able to get a mortgage. He needs to get some debt advice urgently as it sounds like he is drowning and isn't getting the help he needs. I wouldn't say debt is a reason not to stay with someone unless they are still recklessly spending and aren't taking any responsibility for it/won't accept help. It does need sorting before you look at marriage or buying a house.

Bobsyer · 17/10/2021 11:02

Why do you think he won’t be able to go on the mortgage because of debt? High levels of debt to income won’t be a problem so long as both together you fit the income multipliers, it’s missed payments and defaults that are the issue.

I don’t think you’re wrong to want to protect yourself, but you’d need to do that in terms of protecting your deposit rather than a pre-nup which I believe are not enforceable in the U.K.

I would be concerned he isn’t managing his debt well and would help him find a way to do so. I assume there’s no scope for increasing hours or similar?

thebookworm1 · 17/10/2021 11:09

I understand why you’d like to get married and no humans are perfect. The key is whether your DP is honest with himself about the debt and ready to protect you.

If you get married, don’t put him on the mortgage until he’s cleaned up the debt and increased his credit rating (ie likely in a very long time - just leave the option there for him as an incentive to pay off the debt).

Keep separate accounts and keep the family savings in an account in your name. If he accepts these steps, it will protect you and him, really.

dangermouseisace · 17/10/2021 11:11

My ex had debts, and a similar attitude. So I see red flags bouncing up. I really would not get married to him until he’s cleared his debt. And wouldn’t put him on the mortgage either. Has he sought help/advice with his debts?

CareerConcerns1999 · 17/10/2021 11:12

What is dp doing to improve their circumstances (debt reduction and working on their spending problems)?

dworky · 17/10/2021 11:21

Don't marry they.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 17/10/2021 11:32

YABU to yourself and your kids here. Even giving him a second's thought, financially.

He can't be your full life partner because your lives are full of inequity. You have the kids, the salary, the savings and, potentially, the house.

He has the lower income and the larger debt and is a decade further into his financial position than you are.

NOTHING you could do pre-marriage could properly protect your kids from the financial drain his debts would place on your lives. You would inevitably end up subsidising his life with money you could be spending on your kids.

You have to decide how comfortable you are with that and how much of your earnings you are willing and able to hand over to him each and every month.

We all do that when we move in with someone, but we don't always look at it that baldly. You need to because of your responsibilities and the level of his debt.

Be careful. Make no plans that include him financially. Stay independent.

TellingBone · 17/10/2021 11:34

@dworky

Don't marry they.
👌
DysmalRadius · 17/10/2021 11:39

I'm another one that thinks marriage would be a terrible idea. It's basically a contract saying you'll share everything and inherit from each other - two things you do not want to do!

burnoutbabe · 17/10/2021 11:43

just do not marry.

I may consider a prenup due to inequality of assets but we are talking about me owning a house (paid up) sort of value. But with no kids, its just easier to not marry.

Not worth legal costs to protect £20k worth of debt. Just don't marry.

Crimeismymiddlename · 17/10/2021 11:47

Don’t get married. In this country a pre nup does not offer you the protection you need. It also won’t cover the problems that £19000 of debt will cause while married. You will be the main earner/bill payer and he will be working to service the debt. Keep your assets safe and don’t consider marriage. You will regret it ten years down the line.

Hummingbird427 · 17/10/2021 11:52

You'd be utterly mad to consider marrying him/her. The only thing you'll gain is a financial vampire.

By all means keep the relationship but don't mix finances. They've shown you who they are financially.

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 11:55

It would be nice doesn’t seem like a great reason to put yourself at such a disadvantage to some who stands to gain so much more from you/ your children

I don’t know what to say except don’t!

Maybe spend some time on the relationships board here remembering all the shit that can go down when it’s not the happy beginning times

HotSauceCommittee · 17/10/2021 11:58

What the debt from? Is he a gambler?

Lindy2 · 17/10/2021 12:02

It looks very much like your partner spends above his means on a regular basis. You however, appear to be careful with your finances and save. That's quite a miss match.

Think very carefully about this. When you're carefully saving for something for the house and your partner is wracking up another £1,000 of debt on something frivolous, how are you going to feel about that?

My partner had debts when we wanted to buy a house together. I told him he needed to clear his debts and save up an equal deposit to match mine before I was ready to buy with him. He did it. It took a year and it helped him learn to live within his budget.

We've been together over 25 years now. If our attitude to finance ms had still been so different I don't think it would have lasted.

Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 12:03

@HotSauceCommittee

What the debt from? Is he a gambler?
debt is from his vehicle, credit card, several consolidations over the years but still using the CC. its has mounted up over time.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 12:04

I would rather stay cohabiting and maybe get a cohabitation agreement to say the house is mine and the kids should I buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 12:07

my take on it is that we should still cohabit, we can still have a a celebration of our relationship some other way and we don't need marriage to be together.
I really want to buy a house, I've been saving for 3 years to get there so I don't want to give up on that for me and my kids.

OP posts:
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