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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting some protection

155 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:29

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 14:01

@Spidey66

What does EW mean?

Ex Wife

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 14:02

@Gimlisaxe

I wouldn't put them on the mortgage, but I would also consider that depending on what is agreed financials wise towards paying bills etc, they might not want to move into your house, as it gives them no legal recourse should you split, and they might find themselves homeless.

You haven't said if any of the kids live with you full time?

my kids are his full time, his are 50% here 50% at their mommas

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 14:30

@user1471462115

And you also have to make sure he pays his way…… He needs to pay half the food, and I’d want half for all utilities too, but would maybe settle for proportional contributions. I’d not let him off even one missed payment as he is definitely a cocklodger in waiting. Please don’t risk him spending the money you need for your own kids.

I also don’t understand how he earns so little, as overtime is so easy to come by at present

he lost money last year through an error working overtime so now refuses to do it. red flag?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 14:36

he lost money last year through an error working overtime so now refuses to do it.
red flag?

Not a red flag IMO. This has happened to me. I'll only do it when they're desperate and pay me triple time now.

user1471462115 · 17/10/2021 15:16

I have never heard of people not being paid enough for the hours they have worked, but the pp says it has happened to them to so not sure what to think about that. Is he lazy ? Is that why he won’t work more hours ?.
Then he could consider a second job, hospitality or driving pizzas in the evenings and weekends he doesn’t have his kids.

I’d also be interested in how he is going to fund a retirement, what pension provision does he have ?
Is he even on course for a state pension with such low earnings ?
Check this out on Government Gateway today with him.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 15:24

@user1471462115 it happens when the overtime gain doesn't outweigh the tax loss, so obviously if you earn more you get taxed more and if you're unlucky you don't benefit from the additional pay for the overtime you've earned

QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 16:44

Yip happened to me too... it was eaten up in Tax... never again 🙄

burnoutbabe · 17/10/2021 18:41

The tax issue would only occur when it clashes with withdrawal of benefits.

It can't happen with our normal tax system when it's only X% of the extra and that would be capped at 45% of highest earner plus ni 12 or 2%.

Suppose some companies may have sone weird pension rules (if you earn over x you pay more pension on all earnings?)

HollowTalk · 17/10/2021 18:46

I'm really sorry but this man is a complete loser. Why on earth would you consider attaching yourself to him financially?

There is a saying I heard on here, which is play the movie to the end. Think of the worst case scenario, not the best.

That amount of debt is absolutely massive and it will have a huge impact of you and your children.

The older I get the more I think finances are so incredibly important. Personally I would dump this guy and look for someone with a good attitude to money.

theremustonlybeone · 17/10/2021 19:01

Do not get married, protect your DC inheritance, protect yourself from divorce as lets not be naive that it does happen. If he is staying in your mortgaged home and in the UK married or not he could lay claim to your home. So keep your finances separate. As much as you are in the land of love you and your DC have more to lose than your DP...

Wegobshite · 17/10/2021 19:10

At his age on min wage job and that amount of debt I would seriously consider going bankrupt

If that debt isn’t interest free or a very very low interest rate then probably isn’t even scratching the surface of the debt

He will probably be dead or collecting his pension before it’s paid off 😂

Wegobshite · 17/10/2021 19:17

And in your OP I think you say
“ How can I /we make this work “
Lesson no 1 - you can’t make this work without you taking a massive gamble
Put it in figures
Your pension
Your savings
Your half of a house that you buy could all go to a man to pay of debt that he bag before he even met you
And if you do marry him you will be carrying him for ever
Want a nice holiday - you will have to pay because he is “ paying of the debt
Want a nice big wedding - you will be paying for it because he’s paying of his debt
Need to do something to the house
You will have to pay for it because he’s paying off his debt

Your whole life plans could be derailed because “he’s paying of his debt
In a years down the line you will be in debt for your wedding and honeymoon and everything else
Probably be encouraged by him to remortgage to pay of both of your debt and bingo he is sitting pretty
No debt and a share of a house and pension that’s he’s never contributed to

MoreStuffingMatron · 17/10/2021 19:55

On his wage he will never pay that level of debt off without disappearing up his own fundament for the next five years. He should consider going bankrupt.

No don’t marry him. Given your financial disparity, as the law stands his ‘needs’ could trump an otherwise legally valid pre nup if you divorce.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 17/10/2021 19:58

Run away.

The moment he's in a new house, he will take out even more credit/spend even more.

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 20:48

@user1471462115

I have never heard of people not being paid enough for the hours they have worked, but the pp says it has happened to them to so not sure what to think about that. Is he lazy ? Is that why he won’t work more hours ?. Then he could consider a second job, hospitality or driving pizzas in the evenings and weekends he doesn’t have his kids.

not lazy at all, he works really hard at his job, does volunteer work some weekends, is great with housework/childcare/cooking etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 21:06

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Run away.

The moment he's in a new house, he will take out even more credit/spend even more.

I hope not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 21:14

@Wegobshite

And in your OP I think you say “ How can I /we make this work “ Lesson no 1 - you can’t make this work without you taking a massive gamble Put it in figures Your pension Your savings Your half of a house that you buy could all go to a man to pay of debt that he bag before he even met you And if you do marry him you will be carrying him for ever Want a nice holiday - you will have to pay because he is “ paying of the debt Want a nice big wedding - you will be paying for it because he’s paying of his debt Need to do something to the house You will have to pay for it because he’s paying off his debt

That's a good way to set it all out and look at it. I know 100% now that marriage is not something I want to do. I do hold some resentment for the fact that I pay for most things I guess, like our latest holiday, the bulk of the groceries, days out and gifts. Im actually feeling like a bit of a mug after reading all of this. I have had to work incredibly hard for what I have and I want to partner to complement that and not take away from it

OP posts:

Animood · 17/10/2021 21:36

Why don't you say to him you will marry him when:

A- he has paid off his debt
B- he has saved up three months expenses as an emergency fund and
C- he hasn't made any daft financial decisions for 5 years and
D- he starts putting aside money for his kids futures.

You never know, this might motivate him to sort himself out? But it's going to be really tough for him for a long long time.

Would he speak to debt charities to try and get the interest frozen? Would he retrain in a new, higher paid job?

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 21:39

@dworky

Don't marry they.

Run.

SausagePourHomme · 17/10/2021 21:48

I actually think you're not compatible..You'll be supporting this man all your life.

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 21:50

@SausagePourHomme

I actually think you're not compatible..You'll be supporting this man all your life.

Yeah. Been there, done that. It's an expensive lesson.

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 22:08

I feel so low now that I just want to cry.
I love this man so much, he is a fantastic dad, a great boyfriend and in every other way is amazing, its just that he is shite with money.

OP posts:

Animood · 17/10/2021 22:17

@Hunkahunkaa

I feel so low now that I just want to cry. I love this man so much, he is a fantastic dad, a great boyfriend and in every other way is amazing, its just that he is shite with money.

Have you spoken to him honestly about how his financial situation is affecting your relationship?

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 22:50

Im so sorry. It is so difficult being with someone who is spending money that theyve not yet earned. The contempt that builds up is poisonous. Especially when they eat into your resources. When your resources are being used to fund their selfishness it is impossible not to be angry.

billy1966 · 17/10/2021 23:04

OP,

So you are already funding his lifestyle from money that should be for your home and children.

This is your future but you are also providing him and his children with a home.

You are out of your mind to be walking into this and he's older than you, so you will be working to fund his retirement.

Would you be happy if your child did this?

What a model of a relationship for them.

The bottom line this man cannot afford a relationship.

I mean it very kindly but you don't own a home for your children and you are paying for a man?

I think your head needs a wobble.
You are you childrens only parent?
You cant afford a hobby boyfriend who costs so much.

I'll bet he can't believe his luck.

@Wegobshite has nailed it.

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