in wanting some protection

[Hunkahunkaa]

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

I’d wait the 18-24 months, buy on your own and not get married. Then reassess how he is with money in two years time.

Why would they have come over from mum’s though, when he has them 50/50? I mean - uniforms I get are expensive and you might not want to double up between homes, by agreement with the other parent. But underwear? Why did he not have underwear for his own kids, such that that become a surprise purchase? I think you’d be well shot of him.

Why on earth is he volunteering when he has so much debt? Why, if he is prepared to do extra work, wouldn't he do something he'd get paid for?

@Cocomarine

Why would they have come over from mum’s though, when he has them 50/50? I mean - uniforms I get are expensive and you might not want to double up between homes, by agreement with the other parent. But underwear? Why did he not have underwear for his own kids, such that that become a surprise purchase? I think you’d be well shot of him.

Because they usually take clothes. Back-and-forth however things were going back to mums and then not coming back to our house after hence why he needed to buy it

@HollowTalk

Why on earth is he volunteering when he has so much debt? Why, if he is prepared to do extra work, wouldn't he do something he'd get paid for?

I honestly don't know how to answer this, because I have no idea

Oh god i have re read this thread. Have you got this man living with you ? Are you supporting him seeing his children at your home? I can see your his gateway to sorting things out, you pay for everything, he gets you to get his kids birthday presents, likely doesnt pay you any rent and your scratching your head about getting married to this bloke.

Do you know what - my DH is terminally ill and I am very aware i am a catch for any bloke out their when he dies .(not that i am remotely interested in dating anyone at all) As I live in a wealthy area, have my own home, pensions etc. However their is absolutely not a chance I will ever live with another man, my DC come first and I will be protecting their inheritance. I certainly wont be dating someone in debt who thinks I will be paying for him.

@theremustonlybeone

Oh god i have re read this thread. Have you got this man living with you ? Are you supporting him seeing his children at your home? I can see your his gateway to sorting things out, you pay for everything, he gets you to get his kids birthday presents, likely doesnt pay you any rent and your scratching your head about getting married to this bloke.

Do you know what - my DH is terminally ill and I am very aware i am a catch for any bloke out their when he dies .(not that i am remotely interested in dating anyone at all) As I live in a wealthy area, have my own home, pensions etc. However their is absolutely not a chance I will ever live with another man, my DC come first and I will be protecting their inheritance. I certainly wont be dating someone in debt who thinks I will be paying for him.

Im sorry to hear about your dh.

coodawoodashooda thank you for your kind words.

Funny enough its my DH who has told me to be careful and protect our assets...albeit he would prefer i never dated anyone else again....in truth i likely wont

I just feel so bloody stupid.
I feel like the relationship I've been in for the last two and a bit years is absolute crap. And it really hurts, it's such a harsh reality when you see it.
I wish I could go back to being ignorant in some ways, however, the best interest of my children is what's important.

Don’t marry. Prenups aren’t that worthy in the UK. It’ll take them forever to pay that off on their wage so if you don’t want to support them in paying it off then don’t tie yourself to them legally.

don’t be so hard on yourself! These things often creep up and build.
You meet someone with debt, why wouldn’t you believe it’s temporary? It takes a while to see it’s not going down. He seems a bit down on how luck, but hey - partners help out, right? It takes a while to see the pattern of who is giving and taking. And alongside, there are the good bits too.

Don’t beat yourself up… as soon as it came to the serious stuff, you felt uneasy and posted. So many people don’t even think about that - so you’re far from stupid!

@80sPadme

I just feel so bloody stupid. I feel like the relationship I've been in for the last two and a bit years is absolute crap. And it really hurts, it's such a harsh reality when you see it. I wish I could go back to being ignorant in some ways, however, the best interest of my children is what's important.

2years.i beat you by 8. At least you found out.

@BurntO

Don’t marry. Prenups aren’t that worthy in the UK. It’ll take them forever to pay that off on their wage so if you don’t want to support them in paying it off then don’t tie yourself to them legally.

I know a solicitor that said everyone that visited her for a prenup separated.

80spadme you are not stupid. You are clearly an intelligent woman, looking out for her children. You came here and asked questions. I was stupid- helping my ex pay off his £40,000 and living on nothing. BTW when living on nothing, I still made sure our kids had birthday and Christmas presents. It's easy to budget, plan ahead and prioritise. Your bloke chose not to do that, because he could rely on Bank of 80spadme

The women here have the benefit of not being emotionally involved. Be kind to yourself; you've got your heart to contend with as well as your head

I've woken up with a clear ahead today.
I am seriously regretting even moving in together now.

I have to make a choice that this is either going to be the rest of my life or I choose to say no now.
He said he's going to sell A load of stuff to make a dent in some of the debt, I guess the proof will be in the pudding I'll just have to wait and see if he is true to his word.

Stupid would be continuing on the same track, subbing him, his children and lifestyle once you have seen the reality of your situation.

There is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up now.

Learn from this look at the situation now with fresh eyes.

EXACTLY how much are you subbing him onna monthly basis?

That has to stop.

He obviously has had no interest or intention of reducing that debt.

If he had he would be working every hour he's not with his children.

He has continue to add to the debt.

He now is throwing shapes ONLY because you have woken up.

There is a huge imbalance in your relationship.

You are paying too much and he has too much to gain by living off a nice hard working, slovent, woman.

I doubt he would be with you if you weren't as solvent as you are.

People that are wreckless with money are always attracted to those that have their shit together financially.

Someone else taking care of the dirty business of paying the bills and being a safety net for HIS kids, holidays, outings, gifts.

You are his safety net.

He will make shapes about changing, of course he will, he won't want to lose the very comfortable position YOUR hard works provide for him and his children.

You deserve better.
It really is that simple.

Better you start to see this than 10 years from now when he could walk away with half of what YOU have slaved for for YOUR children.

@80sPadme

I've woken up with a clear ahead today. I am seriously regretting even moving in together now.

I have to make a choice that this is either going to be the rest of my life or I choose to say no now.
He said he's going to sell A load of stuff to make a dent in some of the debt, I guess the proof will be in the pudding I'll just have to wait and see if he is true to his word.

And yet he couldn’t sell that stuff when his children needed birthday presents.

Honestly, I think you should make your deposit one choice. But you’re not going to do that yet. So… look at your household finances. Do not pay anything to subsidise him. Make sure he’s paying his fair share of everything. Does that mean 50/50? Not necessarily. Plenty of couples decide to split bills according to income, and you do earn more. But if you pay more, still make sure you’re not subsidising.

By that I mean - take council tax. If it’s £100 and your single discount would have made it £75, then if he pays £25 you’re still paying more than him- but, you’re not paying more than you would on your own. But something like food - if he eats steak and you eat lentils, don’t split it 50/50. Days out with the kids - he pays for his. Your supportive contribution is to save the expensive trips for when they’re not here.

Down the line, could you help out by paying more so his saving went to his debt? Sure, if you want to. But only if he’s already shown a good track record of changing his attitude. Even then I’m not saying you should! Just if you want to - don’t do it until you know he’s learned to budget and is genuinely committed to clearing his debt.

Remember that whilst he just runs it up again, every penny you give him is literally going from your kids to his debt interest.

@80sPadme

I've woken up with a clear ahead today. I am seriously regretting even moving in together now.

I have to make a choice that this is either going to be the rest of my life or I choose to say no now.
He said he's going to sell A load of stuff to make a dent in some of the debt, I guess the proof will be in the pudding I'll just have to wait and see if he is true to his word.

Oh please don't give him more time. Uoi are just prolonging the agony.

Great to see that you have a clear eyed view of things @80sPadme

My experience with a partner who is crap with money is so far working out OK, though there are certain key differences with your situation. We have two kids together, no step kids.

The difference really is attitude and being able to draw a line, listening to sensible advice and not acting like he's entitled to support from others. Mine has adhd so poor impulse control is something I'm inclined to be understanding about. However, he has no outstanding debt and he does listen to me about financial stuff, though any money he has after bills will likely get pissed up the wall.

In our case, we have a declaration of trust to protect our respective contributions to the house and everything else is 50/50. He knows that he will never, ever get bailed out or subsidised by me. He forgot his mum's birthday present recently and I just left it. He accepts and understands my attitude, and knows not to start building up debt or I will boot him into orbit.

In your case, I see red flags. He cannot be stupid enough not to realise that marrying you would be a very easy way out of his predicament. He isn't doing anything to clear the debt by finding more work or better paid work. He is letting you step in and subsidise his expenses. For comparison, mine accepts that my decision on marriage is sensible and never expects a penny from me. He has improved a lot, but yours has not.

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

Great to see that you have a clear eyed view of things *@80sPadme*

My experience with a partner who is crap with money is so far working out OK, though there are certain key differences with your situation. We have two kids together, no step kids.

The difference really is attitude and being able to draw a line, listening to sensible advice and not acting like he's entitled to support from others. Mine has adhd so poor impulse control is something I'm inclined to be understanding about. However, he has no outstanding debt and he does listen to me about financial stuff, though any money he has after bills will likely get pissed up the wall.

In our case, we have a declaration of trust to protect our respective contributions to the house and everything else is 50/50. He knows that he will never, ever get bailed out or subsidised by me. He forgot his mum's birthday present recently and I just left it. He accepts and understands my attitude, and knows not to start building up debt or I will boot him into orbit.

In your case, I see red flags. He cannot be stupid enough not to realise that marrying you would be a very easy way out of his predicament. He isn't doing anything to clear the debt by finding more work or better paid work. He is letting you step in and subsidise his expenses. For comparison, mine accepts that my decision on marriage is sensible and never expects a penny from me. He has improved a lot, but yours has not.

Excellent post. I lost thousands of pounds by trusting my nice bloke to change his ways. Gauling.

Thank you @coodawoodashooda, I hope that you are in a better place now? I'm so sorry to hear that you lost so much money.

Ironically my DP had a girlfriend before me who was the female equivalent of a cocklodger. So he gets it!

I think managing money is a skill that can be learned to a greater or lesser degree, though being neuro divergent can make it harder.

Whether or not you take the mickey out of people financially or otherwise is a question of values, which I believe are separate. I think at best, @80sPadme has a partner who is steadfastly protecting his own ego at the expense of his morals. Sticking his head in the sand, because her subsidy allows him to do so. At worst, he might be a cynical parasite.

Talking to him with some carefully worded home truths will probably reveal the answer. The cutting up of the credit card was the hugest red flag to me, it implies that he thinks she is stupid!

You are not Financially compatible.
That's as important as being sexually or politically compatible IMO. No way would I marry until they'd sorted themselves out.

If you marry someone then what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours. That’s how it’s works and how it should work.
So either: work together to clear the debt and get married and share money.
Or don’t get married and keep finances separate.
Marriage means for richer or for poorer. I bet you would want to be married to him and share finances if he won the lottery yesterday.

No way should you get married. I wouldn't even cohabit tbh as I would soon feel like I had a cocklodger.

Why can't you just date?

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

I agree with you, the big grand gesture of cutting the card is the type of thing a person would do to shut up someone they think is a bit dim, that will fall for suchban empty gesture.

He is a user, of that I have no doubt.
A nice user, a fun user, but a user all the same.

He has made No effort to reduce his debt and has just added to it.

There is NO doubt whatsoever that he thinks marrying the OP and them having a home she purchases is him sorted for his retirement.

He's 10 years older than her.
He thinks he is sorted and she is a bit dim, no doubt in my mind whatsoever.