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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting some protection

155 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:29

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 14:10

OP you are doing the right thing in not marrying him...

I'd ask him to consider bankruptcy as I suggested in the beginning of the thread..

I personally would reconsider the relationship 🌸

dangermouseisace · 18/10/2021 14:22

My ex is extremely hardworking but built up £40,000 of debt. He paid it off with help from me but our lives were miserable for a long time. So completely and utterly broke, and if you own a house and things go wrong it gets really hard. He has never learned. He's got debt again now. Financially, without him I feel rich! I'm not, but the harsh reality of having to live on a bare minimum for years to pay off someone else’s debt makes a person re-evaluate.
When we got divorced my “lovely” man, who works hard, volunteers, and is a good dad, tried to go for half the house. Despite earning triple what I earn, me being main carer for the kids, and the fact I paid for all the refurbishment/repair work, paid for everything for the kids, and having no pension because every penny went to our living costs/the house.
If you have a partner who is irresponsible with money you absolutely cannot trust them to do the “right thing” financially if things go wrong. It's hard. My ex is still a “good dad” and all that jazz, but money wise....nope.

Dontbeme · 18/10/2021 14:31

@80sPadme

Thanks for all the great advice. I will go to CAB and see about things. I don't have much of a pension as I was out of work for a long while when the kids were wee. I will not be getting legally married. I need to protect what I have built for me and the kids. His kids have both parents and are well supported by his ex-W and her family so I don't need to worry there. Thanks for all your replies.
So his ex and her family support the kids on her 50% of custody and he has you providing housing and support on his 50%, what a catch eh. OP what did he run up his debt on, you said car and credit cards but cc on what? It's one thing for life to hit you with emergencies and putting you to a financial breaking point and quite another to be flash with the plastic and spend on holidays and nights out with his mates, so what was it spent on? I would be seriously rethinking living with him and just how much of the financial load you are carrying when it comes to him and his kids. WTF was he thinking trying for another child with you when he cannot fully support the ones he already has.
politics4me · 18/10/2021 14:41

You should be very concerned that his CC bills continue.
It seems he is hoping that the finance-fairy sorts it all out. Or You will.
Enjoy life but step back a bit.

80sPadme · 18/10/2021 14:43

He has cut up the card!! 🙌🙌🙌

user1471462115 · 18/10/2021 14:49

Has he deleted it from all on,line apps, as so many remember the details

Sorry to piss on your chips but he is a grown adult only 20 years from retiring.
And so far in more than 20 years has shown no ability to manage his money but an excellent ability to get someone else, currently you, to bail him out.

Have you checked his state pension is on track yet ? And if he has no pension, can you afford to keep him in his 70s?
Will you ever be able to retire if he has no income ?

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 15:50

So OP it is the thought of loosing his gravy chain that has got him to cut his card🙄

Utterly meaningless.

Just trying to keeo you quiet and his cushy number going.

Please protect yourself.

He is running rings around you.

You and your children have so much to lose.
Flowers

theremustonlybeone · 18/10/2021 15:58

Of course he has cut up the card. Big grand gesture in front of you as he is sensing a change in you. He can reorder one

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 16:26

@80sPadme

He has cut up the card!! 🙌🙌🙌
But he hadn't done that in the whole time we was racking up £19,000 worth of debt.

A grand gesture doesn't mean he'll become a responsible adult or have any chance of paying the debt off any time soon.

Sorry OP.

Wegobshite · 18/10/2021 17:06

It was me that said think of it terms of a gamble
As Clint Eastwood says as he points his 44 magnum gun at a punk - do you feel lucky 😂
And do you
Do feel that lucky that you are willing to gamble your savings potential house and pension on him
Are you willing to gamble on him
Because essentially that’s what you are doing
Gambling everything you own on him
And In my experience gamblers rarely win
The house will always win
Think of yourself as a gambler
And him as the house
Whatever you do it’s a win win for him as he always had the excuse that he can’t pay because of his debt

Wegobshite · 18/10/2021 17:13

A partner male or female should be equal or similar
Although in my experience men will date marry down with little problems because if it goes tits up they are rarely left holding the baby
Women should date equal or more because at least if your left holding the baby you can generally be ok
Unless you have given up work to support him
I earn more than my DH but he still has a decent income and picks up stuff I can’t do

But 20 odd years means I trust him 200 percent
But I still keep my money separate
When we go on holiday i will pay
But he will bring spending money and pay for the dog kennels
I’m still probably paying oven 1500 more than him but the fact that he will pay means it evens it out

Cocomarine · 18/10/2021 17:17

I do hold some resentment for the fact that I pay for most things I guess, like our latest holiday, the bulk of the groceries, days out and gifts.

Well, I think you got the message about not getting married Flowers

But look at that sentence.
Why are you paying for those things? Take your children on holiday, with you. Plan days out where he can afford to pay for his kids, and other days out that he can’t afford, so with your kids on the days when his are with their mum.

Gifts?! What is the situation where you are paying for gifts? If they’re for his family, he pays. Allow for his lower income by not expecting gifts from him from your children, or spending only what you would spend yourself and saying it’s from both of you.

Stop subsidising him!

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 17:33

@billy1966

So OP it is the thought of loosing his gravy chain that has got him to cut his card🙄

Utterly meaningless.

Just trying to keeo you quiet and his cushy number going.

Please protect yourself.

He is running rings around you.

You and your children have so much to lose.
Flowers

yip

80sPadme · 18/10/2021 17:56

@Cocomarine

I do hold some resentment for the fact that I pay for most things I guess, like our latest holiday, the bulk of the groceries, days out and gifts.

Well, I think you got the message about not getting married Flowers

But look at that sentence.
Why are you paying for those things? Take your children on holiday, with you. Plan days out where he can afford to pay for his kids, and other days out that he can’t afford, so with your kids on the days when his are with their mum.

Gifts?! What is the situation where you are paying for gifts? If they’re for his family, he pays. Allow for his lower income by not expecting gifts from him from your children, or spending only what you would spend yourself and saying it’s from both of you.

Stop subsidising him!

I bought the birthday gifts for his kids this year as he was broke
80sPadme · 18/10/2021 17:56

I hear you all loud and clear and know I need to rip the bandaid off.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 17:58

@80sPadme

I hear you all loud and clear and know I need to rip the bandaid off.
You will. It is difficult op. Don't be hard on yourself.
DampSquidGames · 18/10/2021 17:59

Could you afford to buy a property on your own?

Cocomarine · 18/10/2021 18:21

How do you square your claim that he is a good dad with the fact he didn’t set aside money to get his kids’ birthday presents?

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 18:22

@Cocomarine

How do you square your claim that he is a good dad with the fact he didn’t set aside money to get his kids’ birthday presents?
That's not fair. The op is untying the knot she's in. We are supposed to be helping her.
Cocomarine · 18/10/2021 18:31

@coodawoodashooda I don’t think I’m being unfair, because I’m not having a go at the OP. I’m actually commenting on it because she gave that information directly in reply to me - so it seems reasonable to share my opinion with her. She may be untying the knot (and good for her) but that doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful to hear the challenges to her thinking - because I don’t think he’ll let his cash cow go without some wheedling.

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 18:33

OP,

You are obviously a very kind and generous woman.

You deserve someone who will pay his way and help carry the load.

You are too young to be committing to carry this load for ever.

You really deserve someone who you can lean on, not just always be the adult financially.

Flowers
coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 18:37

[quote Cocomarine]**@coodawoodashooda* I don’t think I’m being unfair, because I’m not having a go at the OP. I’m actually commenting on it because she gave that information directly in reply to me* - so it seems reasonable to share my opinion with her. She may be untying the knot (and good for her) but that doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful to hear the challenges to her thinking - because I don’t think he’ll let his cash cow go without some wheedling.[/quote]
I see what you are saying but realising you have been someone's cash cow is embarrassing enough. Im sure the op feels awful enough as it is.

FrownedUpon · 18/10/2021 18:37

Definitely don’t marry him. Also he’s crap with money, so be prepared for him to potentially never save for your future together, never save for retirement and constantly be in debt. Can you live with that? It would be a dealbreaker for me.

80sPadme · 18/10/2021 18:50

@DampSquidGames

Could you afford to buy a property on your own?
Yes in 18-24 months when I have a better deposit
80sPadme · 18/10/2021 18:51

@Cocomarine

How do you square your claim that he is a good dad with the fact he didn’t set aside money to get his kids’ birthday presents?
He bought school uniforms and extra undies for our house as they didn't have any come over from mums