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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting some protection

155 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:29

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 17/10/2021 12:09

Don’t get married, don’t put him on the mortgage and if you have children don’t give up work go sort time or let him be a SAHP and ensure you can financially support yourself and any dc.

kweeble · 17/10/2021 12:12

I wouldn't get married - you need to protect yourself and your children. If they can't get on top of this I'd consider splitting up. Being with someone who's always in debt is going to affect what you can do together.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 12:15

@Hunkahunkaa

my take on it is that we should still cohabit, we can still have a a celebration of our relationship some other way and we don't need marriage to be together. I really want to buy a house, I've been saving for 3 years to get there so I don't want to give up on that for me and my kids.

Are you certain he won't become a cocklodger?

I'm just thinking of the woman on here a few weeks ago who was paying all of their family bills as he was 'paying his debts' with his income and promised her once his debts were paid off he'd pay his fair share, but was somehow missing payments and racking up more debt.

VodselForDinner · 17/10/2021 12:20

Don’t marry him. Protect yourself and your deposit if you do buy a property that you allow him to live in, whether he contributes or not.

It’s bad enough that his children will have to suffer due to his financial mistakes, but make sure yours don’t end up suffering because of his debt too.

Double-up on contraceptives.

Can I ask, you seem to have gone to great lengths at the start of your post to hide your partners sex only to give up halfway through. Why?

Comedycook · 17/10/2021 12:23

Don't get married. There isn't really anything in it for you is there? I mean except for the romantic notion of it which considering you have children, should not be your main concern.

India92 · 17/10/2021 12:23

Don't marry him please! You don't want any of his debt to become your responsibility. It sounds harsh, but you have your own kids to think about.

You can buy your own house on your own, and make the mortgage payment on your own. He can contribute a larger amount to groceries etc

Suzi888 · 17/10/2021 12:27

Seek legal advice, no one here is going to be able to advise you. Married or unmarried, he will be entitled to your assets after being together for years.

Bananalanacake · 17/10/2021 12:28

Don't marry him or even live with him, you can have a relationship without living together. It's great you are saving for a house but there's no need to share it with a man if you don't want to.

PanicStationsAhh · 17/10/2021 12:32

You'd be bonkers to even consider getting married. I'm not sure how attracted I could be to someone who had such debt and isn't 100% committed to paying it off ASAP, eg they're a low earner but are they actively trying to change that so they can get debt free, or just happy to live with you and let you subsidise them forevermore??

DysmalRadius · 17/10/2021 12:57

@Suzi888

Seek legal advice, no one here is going to be able to advise you. Married or unmarried, he will be entitled to your assets after being together for years.

On what grounds?!

DysmalRadius · 17/10/2021 12:59

my take on it is that we should still cohabit, we can still have a a celebration of our relationship some other way and we don't need marriage to be together.

Marriage isn't a celebration of your relationship, it's a legal contract so you definitely don't need that to be together.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/10/2021 13:01

I’d make sure any house purchase is in your name alone and fully protected.
I’d not marry with that amount of debt and would only cohabit at a push on the basis they worked overtime or took a second job, stopped spending and cleared the debt. I hate debt so it would have been a red flag for me from the start.

wombatspoopcubes · 17/10/2021 13:02

Why are you theying and themming and this personing while you also say he? Surely his gender isn't outing?

Don't get married, protect yourself and your children first.

Gimlisaxe · 17/10/2021 13:03

I wouldn't put them on the mortgage, but I would also consider that depending on what is agreed financials wise towards paying bills etc, they might not want to move into your house, as it gives them no legal recourse should you split, and they might find themselves homeless.

You haven't said if any of the kids live with you full time?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2021 13:06

I agree with just cohabitation

user1471462115 · 17/10/2021 13:12

And you also have to make sure he pays his way……
He needs to pay half the food, and I’d want half for all utilities too, but would maybe settle for proportional contributions.
I’d not let him off even one missed payment as he is definitely a cocklodger in waiting.
Please don’t risk him spending the money you need for your own kids.

I also don’t understand how he earns so little, as overtime is so easy to come by at present

martingrowler · 17/10/2021 13:18

I don't think you shouldn't marry either. If you have children with him be sure to keep your job and keep working but dont let him become SAHP, it gives him too many rights over the house and the kids should you split. I don't really think you should be living with him at all to be honest. It'll drag you down

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 13:21

Why is he in debt. I had horrendous debts in my 20s and early 30s and it was painful to pay off.

It was incurred from uni and postgraduate studies. It was not frivolous spending. It was a man's to an end as I earn good money now.

At his age and on NMW I imagine it is frivolous spending.

I wouldn't marry him.

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 13:23

Means to an end not man's. Auto correct is weird

QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 13:28

Nice to see a Poster looking ahead ... and listening to the good advice ..

is DP in a position to consider Bankruptcy ? just a thought..

I agree with everyone .... Do not get married ... 🌸

VimFuego101 · 17/10/2021 13:38

@QueenBee52

Nice to see a Poster looking ahead ... and listening to the good advice ..

is DP in a position to consider Bankruptcy ? just a thought..

I agree with everyone .... Do not get married ... 🌸

If he doesn't have any assets then this might be the best option. He's never going to pay off 19k of debt on minimum wage.

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 13:44

so much good advice here, thank you, it really means a lot.
I have to protect my kids future so I will not be getting married.
now I need to consider the long term indications of his debt on our future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 13:45

@QueenBee52

Nice to see a Poster looking ahead ... and listening to the good advice ..

is DP in a position to consider Bankruptcy ? just a thought..

I agree with everyone .... Do not get married ... 🌸

this is what I was thinking exactly. he has nothing to lose except me and our family. I don't want to give him n ultimatum though but I just don't see us working in 10, 20 years with this debt still there.

OP posts:

Spidey66 · 17/10/2021 13:52

What does EW mean?

Spidey66 · 17/10/2021 13:53

Sorry realised ex wife. Ignore.

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