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AIBU?

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Original poster

in wanting some protection

155 replies

Hunkahunkaa · 17/10/2021 10:29

I am mid 30’s and partner is mid 40’s.

I am debt free except for a credit card, I pay off balance each month to build my credit rating in prep for a mortgage and I earn around £2800 PCM. I also have £12000 in savings.

DP has around £19000 of debt split between a consolidation loan and a credit card and earns around £1200 PCM. This is from before we were together but they keep the balance there and never seem to get rid of it. They want to consolidate again and try to manage debt but IMO it’s a sinking ship.

I love them very much and want to stay with them. We are thinking about marriage and a future house, but I recognise that

a. They wont be able to go on the mortgage because of their debt

b. I want a prenup

c. I need protection from their debt, how can I do this?

I guess what I want to know is,

Is a prenup a good idea? Can we draw up something stating I am not responsible for their debts should they need to go BR?

Maybe we should consider not getting married at all and just cohabit as we are now and should we get a cohabitation agreement if I get a mortgage.

I know folk will say not to stay with this person, but I love them and we have kids to consider.i have kids from my previous relationship and so does he but the difference is that my kids only have me to inherit and have security from where as my DP kids have both parents for tis and have their home from DP and his EW divorce.
How can I make this work and not be financially held back from my mortgage free goals and security for my kids and my future.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 23:16

Imagine retirement at 55 because of the good choices you make with money? Imagine the quality of support you could offer your children? Instead of paying for someone else's bad habits that mean your children are going to miss out. Honestly what kind of a man could let you do this?

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 23:16

Im not judging. I believed my one would change too. He did until he didn't have to.

QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 23:52

@Wegobshite

And in your OP I think you say “ How can I /we make this work “ Lesson no 1 - you can’t make this work without you taking a massive gamble Put it in figures Your pension Your savings Your half of a house that you buy could all go to a man to pay of debt that he bag before he even met you And if you do marry him you will be carrying him for ever Want a nice holiday - you will have to pay because he is “ paying of the debt Want a nice big wedding - you will be paying for it because he’s paying of his debt Need to do something to the house You will have to pay for it because he’s paying off his debt

Your whole life plans could be derailed because “he’s paying of his debt
In a years down the line you will be in debt for your wedding and honeymoon and everything else
Probably be encouraged by him to remortgage to pay of both of your debt and bingo he is sitting pretty
No debt and a share of a house and pension that’s he’s never contributed to

sad but true ... I'm so sorry OP.. it's a harsh reality that you are actualy funding his lifestyle.. despite not being married .. Flowers
80sPadme · 18/10/2021 04:09

@billy1966

OP,

So you are already funding his lifestyle from money that should be for your home and children.

This is your future but you are also providing him and his children with a home.

You are out of your mind to be walking into this and he's older than you, so you will be working to fund his retirement.

Would you be happy if your child did this?

What a model of a relationship for them.

The bottom line this man cannot afford a relationship.

I mean it very kindly but you don't own a home for your children and you are paying for a man?

I think your head needs a wobble.
You are you childrens only parent?
You cant afford a hobby boyfriend who costs so much.

I'll bet he can't believe his luck.

@Wegobshite has nailed it.
Flowers

You are making it sound like I am choosing a man over my children which I am certainly not. My kids do not miss out on anything and are my whole world. Your comment is really harsh and uncalled for.
Ophanim · 18/10/2021 04:30

OP did you name change?

primrosee · 18/10/2021 04:34

@JazzHandsYeah

I don’t think prenups are legally enforceable in the UK. But I agree you need to protect yourself from his debt, I wouldn’t get married until he had cleared all of that debt tbh.
'He'? I think DP is a woman; poster is a man.
primrosee · 18/10/2021 04:36

@MsVestibule

I would strongly recommend that you don't get married. He is in his 40s, doing a NMW job, has no assets and a mountain of debt - that would seriously put me off a life partner, but if you want to stay with him, you absolutely have to protect your finances, and those of your children. A pre-nup may not give you the protection you need. You should also get a habitation agreement.
It's a woman who has the debt and is on a low wage.

Would you still be saying the same thing? That it's ok for a man to be 'put off the relationship' with this person?

primrosee · 18/10/2021 04:37

@HotSauceCommittee

What the debt from? Is he a gambler?
If a woman had 19k debt would you ask her if she's a gambler?
primrosee · 18/10/2021 04:41

Lol reverse much ?

-man has 19k debt and earns have his OP's wage.
-bin him! Don't marry him! Is he a gambler??

-woman has 19k debt and earns have her OP's wage
-and, what's the issue?

primrosee · 18/10/2021 04:42

Earns HALF*

TheEvilPea · 18/10/2021 04:45

Why on Earth would you want to marry him? If you and your children are financially secure, even if he was solvent marrying him would be silly. Given he is not, it's a bonkers idea. You can progress your relationship without living together or getting tangled up financially!

Don't do that, really.

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 05:03

@primrosee

Lol reverse much ?

-man has 19k debt and earns have his OP's wage.
-bin him! Don't marry him! Is he a gambler??

-woman has 19k debt and earns have her OP's wage
-and, what's the issue?

Stop changing the narrative...

TheEvilPea · 18/10/2021 05:09

Eerrrr what @QueenBee52?

Is it that hard for you to understand that most resident parents in single parent families are women and that's why they need to ensure finances and homes are kept separate from amy subsequent people they date? It't not rocket science (I work in that field so I am not being flippant.

GrandmaAli · 18/10/2021 05:17

I'd advise you to get legal advice on this! Go to CAB first, they can advise you freely and they will tell you if you should see a solicitor, and who to see to make out a will to ensure your children are looked, after should anything happen to you!!
You're never too young to make a will, especially when you have children!!

Pyewackect · 18/10/2021 05:32

If it were a woman who had the debt and was on a low wage, would you still be saying the same thing? That it's ok for a man to be 'put off the relationship' with this person. ?

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 08:23

@Pyewackect

If it were a woman who had the debt and was on a low wage, would you still be saying the same thing? That it's ok for a man to be 'put off the relationship' with this person. ?
Absolutely. Why would anyone recommend anyone else get dragged into a huge, never ending debt pit if they're in a strong financial position? Especially when they've got kids to think about.
DeireadhFomhair · 18/10/2021 08:44

I'm sorry this thread has upset you, seems like it's been a bit of an eye opener for you. Take your time to digest it all, and decide what you want to do.
The Big Red flag for me is that he consolidated debt at least twice already, and is now talking about doing it again. Instead of focusing on paying off his consolidated debt, he has built up more in a CC. It's mad!
His income doesn't seem to support his lifestyle - is he making any plans to increase his income? He won't do over time, so what will he do?

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 08:48

OP,

You have written that you are saving for a home which is a great goal, but you are spending money on holidays for him.

So yes, your goal is being delayed because of your relationship.

However nice he may be, he has massive debt, with low wages.

It is unlikely he will settle those debts and his retirement is a decade closer than yours.

You asked for advice to protect yourself.

I mean it kindly that his awful financial debts will be a drag on you and your children.

He is going to need every penny for his children.

You funding a home and his lifestyle will of course be an extra load for you to carry, how could it not?

Your children are young.
Have you any idea how expensive teens are?

You have costs coming down the line with your children, you want to own and run a house.
He will not be contributing to anything except wear and tear on the house.

Your life, but moving in with this man and paying for his lifestyle, long term is a really bad idea.

Good luck.
Flowers

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 08:58

@GrandmaAli

I'd advise you to get legal advice on this! Go to CAB first, they can advise you freely and they will tell you if you should see a solicitor, and who to see to make out a will to ensure your children are looked, after should anything happen to you!! You're never too young to make a will, especially when you have children!!
Totally. Especially if you were my brother. It is not about 'sums' it's a mindset about lifestyle.
Bontanics · 18/10/2021 09:15

Marriage is a contract of money and property its a fairly recent concept to marry for romance.

80sPadme · 18/10/2021 10:13

@GrandmaAli

I'd advise you to get legal advice on this! Go to CAB first, they can advise you freely and they will tell you if you should see a solicitor, and who to see to make out a will to ensure your children are looked, after should anything happen to you!! You're never too young to make a will, especially when you have children!!
I have a will for my life insurance
80sPadme · 18/10/2021 10:18

Thanks for all the great advice. I will go to CAB and see about things. I don't have much of a pension as I was out of work for a long while when the kids were wee.
I will not be getting legally married. I need to protect what I have built for me and the kids.
His kids have both parents and are well supported by his ex-W and her family so I don't need to worry there.
Thanks for all your replies.

80sPadme · 18/10/2021 10:39

Yes name changed back as I thought- sod it.
Yes of you look back we were ttc but that will be no more.

OneFootintheRave · 18/10/2021 11:50

You also said he's still using the credit card! Sounds like he is still in denial.

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 14:01

@TheEvilPea

Eerrrr what *@QueenBee52*?

Is it that hard for you to understand that most resident parents in single parent families are women and that's why they need to ensure finances and homes are kept separate from amy subsequent people they date? It't not rocket science (I work in that field so I am not being flippant.

stop changing the narrative ... create your own Thread if you need advice