To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

Surely they won't give custody to a man who has never had looked after them by himself and who can't drive.

This is why he's doing the parental leave thing so he can say he HAS looked after dc

It's such a contradiction though. He wants to game with his mates, doesn't do night wakes, can't put them to bed. But then he starts bloody tearing up when he talks about how much he misses them all week, texts me asking for photos of them all day.

It's the epitome of "Disney dadding" while still in the relationship really

DH is v. good at making DS1 laugh and gives him lots of snacks & cuddles

Yep! Disney dad!

No it's not just for your benefit - children don't benefit from a Disney dad whether he's in the house or not. Having a happy relaxed mum who is an actual parent will make a positive difference for them.

I don't think he will actually even go 50/50 but I think he may make a pretence of doing so. Then there will be a ton of excuses as to why he can't have them that day, that week etc

Watch out for this as he may try to claim 50/50 to get out of cm

Keep a detailed diary as of today of his interactions as a father and as a partner to you.

@billy1966 is spot on!

@KatieKat88 this stuff wasn't in place when I had dd so i don't know how it works assuming you're correct I can't see this guy actually arseing himself to organise the paperwork can you?

Quite honestly if he DOES I would take that as a sign that he IS hatching a plan of some description. Either to become a sahd with op supporting (and him doing a half arsed job of it) or trying to get 50/50 or residency in a split

What's he like about money? Would he resent paying cm? Could that be what's behind this?

I have to agree with all those posters telling you to get things moving regarding a separation. He is not stepping up, January to March is very likely to be you wfh (or trying to. . .), being interrupted regularly because "I can't manage/he won't settle for me" etc, then at 5p.m. (or when you finish office hours), you come out to a wrecked house, he'll have done no cleaning, tidying or cooking. He'll give you both children and be off because "I've been with the children all day and need to have some me time for my mh".

He'll blame you for "spoiling" ds1 because "we used to have such fun, he and I, now he's moany and badly behaved all the time". No shit, Sherlock - nothing like a child to suss out when an adult is phoning it in. Anyone can make a child laugh etc but looking after them as the primary carer, limiting treats, needing to attend to other things, getting them to eat properly, to take a bath and into bed on time, that's more challenging!
I know this may seem ott and worse case scenario but it is possible even probable. You have 10 weeks from tomorrow to New Year's day, let 2022 be the start of a new life.

Looks like he's sick of his job, and thinks being st home sharing parental leave will be a holiday paid for by you. It loooks easy to him because you do allthe actual slog.

You need to act before he sets that uo OP, you could end up with him applying for residence and you paying maintenance.

Not to say he'd get it, but family proceedings are stressful and expensive.

You need to leave before january hes not going to go back to work is he-then he'll claim hes the resident parent

i dont know how really if he cant do anything but maybe its an act

Oh and if hes taking three months off hows he going to go for his mandatory swim every day

@AnotherGo123

I don’t really have any advice but I would like to offer some solidarity. ❤️ DD is 7mo and I have this struggle too. She has no fixed bedtime though as her naps are so variable at the moment and it’s often hit and miss whether she’s still awake to see daddy before he gets home from work. I know he’s disappointed sometimes but he would never ask me to keep her up and make her stressed and overtired.

My husband is also a teacher and he just makes sure he spends quality time with her at weekends. I think your DH is being incredibly selfish and unreasonable. What about if he only swam 2/3 times a week and could then come home early enough to see your DS 2/3 nights a week? That would be a good solution! Parenting does require you to make changes to your life and it sounds like your DH needs to grow up and accept that!

Also, to the posters saying it’s easy to get babies to nap… not all babies are the same! 🙄

OP,

Can so many women, possibly older than you mid late 50's here, who have a tonne of life experience ALL be wrong?

We are ALL singing from the same hymn sheet.

YOU are in clear and present danger!

You are being played.

He most likely is getting the vibe from you that you are not quite as sympathetic to his bullshit as previously, so "operation get the hell out of this job" has been put in motion.

Hence the leave.

Do NOT sign it over to him and revoke it if you can.

Your priority is to instigate a separation asap to PROTECT you, and your childrens future.

I think you should ring 101 and put a marker on your house.

Tell them that your husband is unstable, emotionally abusive and you have two very young children in the house.

Men like your manipulative husband do not handle being thwarted in their plans well.

I have absolutely no wish to alarm you, I am just being practical and proactive.

You describe him as a useless, disorganised, incapable, weakling.

Yet he holds down a job as Head of year in an inner city school. Does exactly as he pleases all week and during the holidays. Has a live in taxi/nanny.

Is this the same man? Or are you being played?

What billy1966 said OP. In spades.

He sounds very manipulative, and thEre may Be a much nastier side to him you have not yet seen.

Pull the plug on the shared parental leave if you can. make plans and keep him in the dark. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

Sorry about the stray caps!

“so has given up a bit and does bare minimum I think.”

That seems to be his modus operandi generally.

Don’t give up your childcare. From a practical matter you may not get the spaces back.

He’s expecting a three month holiday.

Another vote to LTB.
What a selfish twat he is.

Agree LTB. He sounds absolutely pathetic and lacking in self-awareness. You surely can't want to spend the next 20 years being subjected to this rubbish.

He’s expecting a three month holiday.

That’s exactly what he’s expecting. He is absolutely taking the piss.

So your H gives DS snacks, and cuddles, and makes him laugh.

How would that work all day every day?

Yes, you have to break this up.

He is only doing things that give him an instant reaction from DS. What he does is only for his own immediate gratification.

He has no long term parenting strategy. He doesn't even have a plan about getting through the day.

Be careful about letting this man spend sustained time in charge of the DCs. When the gratification isn't forthcoming, he will turn on the children either in anger or, as with school, in complete disengagement.

Why did he want the job in the school he's working in? What did he hope to achieve there?

will be a holiday paid for by you.

I think that's highly possible

Can so many women, possibly older than you mid late 50's here, who have a tonne of life experience ALL be wrong?

49 here defo a ton of life experience

Or even ton and tonne

What's imperial and metric between friends?👍😁

I'm as unimpressed as anyone, but I feel like advice like this:

'Agree LTB. He sounds absolutely pathetic and lacking in self-awareness. You surely can't want to spend the next 20 years being subjected to this rubbish.'

is something that people give out on forums but not in real life.

She's going to be subjected to him one way or another for the next 20 years. LTB isn't going to solve all her problems. Co parenting with someone like this will create it's own challenges, not to mention divvying up her children's childhood and being absent for parts of it due to custody arrangements.

It's depressing, but I think a lot of women stay with pathetic husbands because they'd be even more pathetic separated.

I think seeing a solicitor is a good idea, specifically to ask about the parental leave and whether that would matter in a settlement.

@takealettermsjones

Your husband is off his rocker. Tell him to swim in the morning or at the weekend, and use his commute to do some research about babies, because he obviously knows fuck all about them.

😂🤣😂

@billy1966

OP,

Can so many women, possibly older than you mid late 50's here, who have a tonne of life experience ALL be wrong?

We are ALL singing from the same hymn sheet.

YOU are in clear and present danger!

You are being played.

He most likely is getting the vibe from you that you are not quite as sympathetic to his bullshit as previously, so "operation get the hell out of this job" has been put in motion.

Hence the leave.

Do NOT sign it over to him and revoke it if you can.

Your priority is to instigate a separation asap to PROTECT you, and your childrens future.

I think you should ring 101 and put a marker on your house.

Tell them that your husband is unstable, emotionally abusive and you have two very young children in the house.

Men like your manipulative husband do not handle being thwarted in their plans well.

I have absolutely no wish to alarm you, I am just being practical and proactive.

Really wish we had the ability to update, but I agree with this.

You've done a lot of posts since I replied. Don't compromise, leave him before he states he's had primary parental responsibility.