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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 16/10/2021 19:16

He can have lovely quality time with his son as soon as he comes in from work. Straight over to him. I mean, really, it solves all problems. He is responsible for putting DS to bed at the time he thinks is best, as long as he has him from when he gets home until he's asleep.

RedHelenB · 16/10/2021 19:18

I think that and should encourage your baby to nap more during the day so he can spend a bit of quality time with his Dad. Let Dad settle him and put him to bed.

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 19:30

Having had a look at your previous threads - you're just not going to stay in this marriage forever, it honestly will be easier just to get a divorce.

CharlieP1977 · 16/10/2021 19:33

The baby comes first with routines and schedule.
It only makes things harder for yourself or both parents when you have a cranky little baby that won't sleep because they are over tired.

tickledtiger · 16/10/2021 19:34

To be fair it sounds like OP does a lot to support her DH whose mental health isn’t great at the moment. Exercise is important obviously. But the fact that he’s fitting in a swim before coming home makes him so unreasonable.

If he was getting back that late purely because of work or commute I’d be sympathetic and suggest it’s worth keeping the baby up sometimes, FWIW

I don’t get to do my preferred form of exercise any more either now I’m a parent, that’s just tough titty.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 16/10/2021 19:36

Put baby to bed when baby needs to go to bed! Simple as that.

He can stop his leisure swim after work and get home to give you a bloody rest! He can do a swim at weekend during nap time.

Whilst you're at it send him some reading on the importance of baby wake and sleep windows and the general importance of sleep.

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 20:03

He's a selfish arse who is consumed with what suits him.

Stop wasting your time.

I love my husband to bits, but there is no way I would have kept a tired baby up longer than necessary so he could see it.

I certainly wouldn't do it if he was such an arse as to expect me to do this after he went for a swim.

But my husband isnt a selfish arse, so wouldn't dream of imposing on me or a baby to suit him.

He is a selfish arse and you are doing far too much facilitating.

I agree that your marriage is not going the distance.

Get organised and get out.
Flowers

GettingItOutThere · 16/10/2021 20:07

i think OP you would find he would happily let you do everything including his work, while he sat at home and played the mental health card.

he is a twat, a very unreasonable one at that. He needs to grow up, get driving lessons and stop being so selfish and useless

no, do not keep baby up for him!!

BubblingBottle · 16/10/2021 20:09

Eugh LTB already!

Embroidery · 16/10/2021 20:15

Swim later.
I can understand not wanting to teach locally though.
At my teacher training they recommended that you taught at least 20miles away from home.

GoWalkabout · 16/10/2021 20:33

I'll put the tired baby to bed now, or you can spend some time with him and then put him to bed while I go out for a walk. Every time.

JellyTotCat · 16/10/2021 20:56

@GoWalkabout

I'll put the tired baby to bed now, or you can spend some time with him and then put him to bed while I go out for a walk. Every time.
Good idea. She'd probably only need to do that once. Grin
Toastandcrumpets · 16/10/2021 21:30

@Embroidery

Swim later. I can understand not wanting to teach locally though. At my teacher training they recommended that you taught at least 20miles away from home.
Twenty MILES!?
Rosebel · 16/10/2021 22:35

Your husband is a twat I was going to suggest he did the bedtime routine so that he could spend extra time with the baby but he won't. In the same way he won't do night feeds.
He won't give up swimming or learn to drive (meaning he could go later).
He won't get a job closer to home so he ca get home quicker.
It sounds to me like he's not really interested in being a dad. So he stays awa until bedtime and then blames you for him not seeing the baby.
Just tell him. He can either come home early or /and do bedtime or change jobs. If he complains the baby won't settle just tell him the baby will get used to him and thats the option if he wants to see your baby.
If he uses MH for not stopping swimming or looking for a new job tell him that is the option if he wants to see the baby.
If he still refuses to come home early tell him thats his choice. You have given him options and he's chosen to ignore you. Therefore you don't want to hear any complaints about not seeing the baby as this is his decision.

RobertsRadio · 16/10/2021 23:42

He sounds like millstone around your neck. Do you have the energy and desire to keep carrying this deadweight around for the next 20 years?

Binkybix · 17/10/2021 01:17

So to get this clear - you work full time (admittedly with no commute), look after the baby in the day also, do all the bedtimes for 2 small children, and all the night wakings for the baby, plus the majority of house stuff and admin. He doesn’t take over any of this in the holidays.

And you are asking if you should be changing what works for you in this juggling act to accommodate his swimming?

Er…..no.

Binkybix · 17/10/2021 01:20

And to add, the MH I get. It’s important. I have had a number of quite serious MH issues where I did have to drop back in how much weight I pulled (although even at my worst, still more than he is).

But if it’s bad enough that he can’t make any proactive changes, or really do anything at home he does need to seek help. He’s beyond the ‘preventative’ stuff like swimming alone.

Boobahs · 17/10/2021 01:37

The baby "lets" Daddy be well rested (as Mommy is doing all the nights), so it should go both ways. How would he feel if he was kept up past his bedtime? Over tired babies are the worst OP, get your little one to bed and tell the big one to stop acting like a bloody child! You're not being unreasonable at all Thanks

IVbumble · 17/10/2021 13:15

This isn't about the baby at all.

It's just something he uses to 'get' to you.

Maybe you've been able to change all the other things he said he didn't like but this time there is proof that his view is wrong. If you sort out him being able to see the baby when he gets home he'll just bring something else to the table.

You're running round the table juggling all the plates whilst he pokes them all from a distance with a pointy stick so that he can then blame you for dropping them.

Your happiness - & that of your children will start as soon as he is gone.

whynotwhatknot · 18/10/2021 20:27

Please ignore the troll op theyre just trying to wind you up

he doesnt do anything to help his own mh youve done all you can and yet he still moans

he doesnt need to swim everyday he could run or do some exercise at home

why does his mh trump everything else

blueluce85 · 18/10/2021 20:49

I can't read and run... For everyone suggesting a later bedtime... Why the fuck can't her H get home from work earlier and go for a run or bike ride once baby is asleep? Why should a baby who has no understanding of time be forced to change to suit a fully grown arse man?

OP keep doing what you are doing. He is a selfish wanker

skodadoda · 19/10/2021 07:50

@HandScreen

I've taken on board all your points OP, thanks for sharing them. I still can't see what the issue is with staying up for 30 mins longer, but I do see that this is emblematic of much larger DH problems. It doesn't sound easy for you at all.
You have clearly not had to deal what a fractious baby in the early evening.
gingerbiscuits · 19/10/2021 09:06

@LittleBearPad

So he chooses not to get home until 6.15 when he could be home considerably earlier if he didn’t go swimming? Then he moans the baby is tired and he doesn’t see DS?

What a selfish twatbadger.

This!! ⬆️
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2021 09:13

Well, half term is coming up. Hand baby to him in the morning and you can bugger off for a day out. Or go swimming.

Let him spend some quality time with baby and the other DC then... all day.

Honestly he sound utterly selfish and borderline abusive.

gingerbiscuits · 19/10/2021 09:13

Good God, I've just read all your updates. Seriously - ditch the useless, whiny twat! You're essentially a single parent anyway.