Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
HighNetGirth · 20/10/2021 16:55

To me the most unfair thing about all this is the way your husband treats this as your problem that you and you alone have to fix.

Sounds as though he has got to the stage where he is sticking to a rigid pattern and responsibility for everything outside that has been foisted onto you. But, MH or not, once one is a parent responsibility can't be abdicated completely.

You have to look after yourself and both children. If the early bedtime does that, stick to it. Don't offer your DH anything except a listening ear once he has decided how he is going to change his routine to get more time with the children.

If he wants anything to improve, he will need to do something different, like passing his driving test to have more options, swapping swimming for jogging or cycling, going to work early to swim beforehand, etc. Short-term pain for long term gain.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 20/10/2021 17:31

A head of department who leaves at 4 and never takes work home???

LolaSmiles · 20/10/2021 19:35

For everyone asking about him leaving at 4pm as a teacher - He's head of department but doesn't seem to have many lessons to teach. He leaves as soon as he can every day, never works at home or anything like that. He's get v. wound up at work and feels undervalued, so has given up a bit and does bare minimum I think
If he is a Head of Department and leaving at 4pm with no work at home then I don't think he feels undervalued. I think he's probably doing a shit job and/or passing work onto his team so he can disappear for a swim.

Jazzles2021 · 20/10/2021 21:10

@LolaSmiles

For everyone asking about him leaving at 4pm as a teacher - He's head of department but doesn't seem to have many lessons to teach. He leaves as soon as he can every day, never works at home or anything like that. He's get v. wound up at work and feels undervalued, so has given up a bit and does bare minimum I think If he is a Head of Department and leaving at 4pm with no work at home then I don't think he feels undervalued. I think he's probably doing a shit job and/or passing work onto his team so he can disappear for a swim.
Exactly
Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 20/10/2021 21:20

Yeah. I've got no idea what is going on with his work. He says he doesn't want to ever get a promotion as senior leadership expected to stay until 5 or 6. He tells me he feels like he's being pushed out or overlooked.

I'm just worried he's going to quit and become SAHD.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/10/2021 21:27

Senior leaders are often working longer hours than 5/6pm, or they leave earlier and work when DC are in bed.

He might be perceptive enough to realise he is being nudged out though. When leaders aren't pulling their weight, the workload is either not being done or it is being shifted onto other people. To be a HoD and leaving at 4 he must have done some of the following:
Given himself easy classes (which means someone else is doing the tricky ones)
Not planning and teaching high quality lessons
Not being around adequately to support the team
Not leading on any intervention and behaviour support the team needs
Hardly being around other than official team meetings
Passing on some of his HoD workload to other members of the team to complete

That's not what any department wants or needs in a HoD.

If you're concerned he is going to decide to be a SAHD, you would be wise to consider if you want to remain in the relationship. Based on this thread, I could see a situation where he quits his job citing mental health grounds and wanting to be a SAHD, but on being a SAHD finds excuses about why he can't step up and be a SAHP. You could easily find yourself in a situation where you end up working and doing all the domestic load.

Nonamenoplacetogo · 20/10/2021 21:50

@LolaSmiles had summed up his work situation very well. I’m a teacher, have extra responsibility, sometimes leave work at 4 but work in the evenings/weekends. If he is not on a support plan/capability yet then he will be in the near future. Or he’ll go off sick. So I agree that you should move fairly fast whilst he still has a job.
I was also married to someone similar and worried about how he’d cope alone, what our family would be like, things are not always easy but it’s me and my kids, he tries to cause issues but it gets easier as the kids get older. You need to be brave because you will divorce him, if not now then in 2, 4 or 10 years..

billy1966 · 20/10/2021 22:29

@AnotherGo123

Yeah. I've got no idea what is going on with his work. He says he doesn't want to ever get a promotion as senior leadership expected to stay until 5 or 6. He tells me he feels like he's being pushed out or overlooked.

I'm just worried he's going to quit and become SAHD.

You should be worried because it sounds as if that is his plan and then things will be much harder and you will be so cross with yourself that you faffed around and didn't listen to your gut.

Is this the life you want 10 years from now?

If you don't, get moving while you have choices.

Because if he loses his job or resigns because of stress, you sound like just the sort of woman who could be guilted indefinitely to stay with this awful, nasty, selfish man that doesn't give a damn about you or your children.

Speak to a solicitor and get this moving before circumstances overtake you and you feel far more stuck than you do now.

Flowers
mathanxiety · 20/10/2021 22:30

If he quits to become a sahp he will get custody of the children or 50/50 if you divorce him, based on who does the most childcare (this is calculated using time spent in the home with the children as the rationale, not who actually does the work, meaning you - I guarantee he will let everything slide). You would find yourself in the position of paying the lazy so and so child support.

Based on his envy of you and his thoughts on the baby's bedtime, I would say he is definitely eyeing up a life of leisure at your expense, with the children to provide entertainment for him all day.

My advice is to divorce him asap.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2021 22:37

@AnotherGo123, forget therapy for the moment.

Go and talk to a good solicitor before events overtake you.

You will feel far less frightened of divorce once you find out your rights, how the process works, what's likely to happen wrt children.

Knowing how to get what you want put if this situation will be worth months of therapy.

Go to therapy afterwards.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2021 22:39

"put if" - - - out of.

billy1966 · 20/10/2021 22:39

@mathanxiety, it really couldn't be clearer.

The OP will be worked to the bone keeping this lazy, selfish excuse of a man.

We really can't spell it out any more clearly to you.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 21/10/2021 07:20

Oh dear God. Circumstances are already overtaking me. When we had DS2 we applied for shared parental leave and he has told his boss he is going to take that leave from Jan - March next year and we can stop using our v expensive childminder.

How can I stop this? I can't. Surely. I mean it's only 3 months.

Maybe he will do 3 months and step up? And if he doesn't it will be the final proof I need that he can't get 5050. On paper he does all the right stuff...he comes home every evening, he turns down night outs to be at home all weekend, he wants shared parental leave etc etc. He never work late or go out with his mates.

But when he's here he's like an overgrown hormonal self pityung teenager who just wants to be looked after.

I'm going to see a solicitor. I'm so scared of him getting the kids by presenting it as me being the "career one". I did do a 30 mins with a solicitor but she seemed to think I wasn't serious and told me to get away for a weekend and focus on myself more.

OP posts:
TravelLost · 21/10/2021 07:50

Very wise
Esp as he clearly is in a position where he could easily get sacked and become the full time parent for the dcs. You’d end up having to pay him maintenance for that.

Because that would be the perfect answer for him. No work. No commute etc… and no need to work at all so he can get all the swimming etc… he wants.
And then it will be impossible to find another job, his MH will be too bad etc…
Not that I’m bashing anyone wo has MH issues (I’ve been there). But there is a difference between someone who tried to get better but doesn’t manage to do so Togo to work/help with the house or the dcs. And someone who has MH issues but uses that as a get out jail card.

TravelLost · 21/10/2021 07:53

Btw how is he going to look after two young children when he can’t even put one of them in bed?

Is he going to magically learn how to do it? (So it was all an act in the first place)
Is it going to carry on like it is now with him unable to do the most basic things with his dcs? (And your dcs will not be well cared for)

At the very least, I would keep the nursery for the older one for a couple of days a week so he stays in some routine. I did that with my own Dc1 so it wasn’t as much of a shock for him to go back to nursery after dc2 was born.

Classicblunder · 21/10/2021 07:58

Tell him that it's a great idea and that he should practice by doing all of the childcare over half term while you go out and do things for your mental health

Classicblunder · 21/10/2021 08:07

There is no way he will actually manage to look after 2 young children for 3 months - has he even done a day?

Mynameisthecatwhogotthecream · 21/10/2021 08:11

Another thing to consider is that if he is at home and your working is that in the event of a split he could try to claim to be the primary carer even if in reality you do most of the work

Goldbar · 21/10/2021 08:13

Can you go back to the office/work out of the house?

If he wants shared parental leave, I think you need to leave him to it rather than being there to help out.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2021 09:05

I've only read the first 100 posts (I'll go back and read the rest in just a moment so apologies if this has been suggested already or if you've managed to arrange something).
The first thing that jumped out at me is both your DH and your MiL saying that you're very structured with sleep times. They are not there. You know your baby and you know when baby wants to sleep.
My advise here is for you to go out for a day (get up, feed baby and if necessary express so that they can feed baby if you're breastfeeding just this once) so that they can experience all of what you're doing.

The next thing is that he manages to get his mental health issues addressed but what about yours? You don't get a swim or any 'down' time without the children. Why doesn't he cycle to the local pool later on for his swim if seeing his kids is so high on his agenda? He needs to learn to drive if you're living in a location where things are not on a good bus/rail service or that you can walk to easily.

That's my take on what I've read in the first 100 posts. I'll go back now and read on from post 101 onwards.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2021 09:22

Ok - I've caught up now. In relation to him taking leave from Jan - March he MUST learn how to drive AND pass his driving test in that time. That's not negotiable.
Then, for you I'd recommend (and I do this reluctantly) starting to express as I have read that you are breastfeeding, so that he can feed your baby. Trial and error with regards to teats but you will find one that baby will take to and stick with it.
I would also recommend getting out of the house a bit more yourself and letting him take on more of the responsibility where the kids are concerned.
He cannot sit like a waif on the landing saying "It's useless...I can't do it". That is not an option. He has to persevere with it. He hasn't a clue where the kids are concerned.

That or leave him. He does think that the world revolves around him but it doesn't.

TravelLost · 21/10/2021 09:40

He cannot sit like a waif on the landing saying "It's useless...I can't do it". That is not an option. He has to persevere with it. He hasn't a clue where the kids are concerned.

Which is why it's so concerning that he wants to take parental leave tbh. Not when he doesn't drive, is doing is job poorly (no other way aournd it) and has been spending years saying how much he hates his job, can';t cpe with the commute etc...

he is looking for an easy way out and I susect the OP is very aware of that.

Eralos · 21/10/2021 11:08

I’d start making notes of times and dates when he can’t handle the kids. Like you having to leave a work call to do bedtime

forrestgreen · 21/10/2021 11:23

I would plan an emergency for this weekend. Be all positive about it as this will give him practice for the new year.
Tell him you can't take any calls but if he needs anything he can text.
Don't do any prep for him, he's their dad and is apparently competent enough to have them full time soon.
It'll be hard for you but this way you'll have evidence on how he copes or doesn't as a functioning dad.

I'd start the ball rolling re separating now, as you both actually work now. You have care in place etc

Is there anywhere he could go?

R3ALLY · 21/10/2021 11:32

Oh this is sounding so familiar to me, sadly. The passivity, the blaming everyone else for his own problems, the use of poor MH to trump everything...yep. Are you talking to anyone in Real Life oP? These men can be amazing at making you feel its all your fault but sometimes when you say it out loud you realise how wrong it all is. Think if things were reversed... would you expect your H to solve your MH issues? Put everything aside for your swim and your down time? Organise all your life admin? I'm guessing not, and you shouldn't have to either. (hint, you're not alone though)