To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

Just here to add another voice to the chorus of “your DH is a dick”.

Babies need to sleep when they need to sleep. Crying babies are harder to get to sleep, and no fun. It’s not rocket science.

He’s too lazy to apply for work nearby, but has the energy to swim? Why’s he swimming every day instead of coming home to spend time with the baby and split the childcare more evenly? When’s your daily exercise time? So many questions here.

This isn’t about his commute where I’d have some sympathy, it’s about him choosing to go for a swim after work. He will have to do that later.

My DH is a teacher and not home till 6:30/7 most days - it’s not unusual - but that’s because of his work not because he’s popping to the gym or pool or anywhere else on the way home.

If he leaves at 4 and is home at 6 after going swimming, that doesn’t sound like a very long commute?

If he wants it that way he can deal with the over tired baby wanting a sleep. Day in day out.

He should get home at 4ish, spend time with his baby and then go for a swim at 5.30/6 or something.

You are married to a selfish ignorant prick.

Sorry but it needs saying. Show him this thread.

I don’t think you can say he’s lazy not finding a job closer - one teaching position is not exactly the same as another.

I don’t really understand why your AIBU is about not keeping baby up, instead of “AIBU to tell him to stop taking the piss with his swim”.

He could swim later or at the weekend
He could be in charge of bedtime every night

And I agree with the poster suggesting he then deals with your over-tired baby afterwards. Maybe give him the choice of either getting home a bit earlier to spend time with his baby OR you keeping your baby up for him and him having sole care for your baby that evening.

What a selfish pig

Dh is being very unreasonable. He makes time for himself everyday after work and chooses to swim rather than come home and see baby. Selfish. Why can't you both find time for yourselves when baby is asleep. He could swim 2/3 times per week and you could do whatever you want a couple of nights each week. Do not change baby's routine, DH needs to change his.

This is because of his choices- he needs to adapt his routine to be a more present father.

I've literally never said this before and I usually think it's a stupid suggestion when other people do....

Have my first:

'Show your husband this thread.'

Can't believe I did that.

Why doesn't he put the baby to bed then. That could be his quality time!

YANBU. Your DH’s timings should be around your baby.

I have a long commute as a teacher and jobs aren't ten a penny, believe me.

I leave the house in the mornning at 6.00am but can leave at 3.30ish most days if I have to. I can work in the evenings, though it is a more stressful way if doing it than spending the extra hour at work

The swim is a choice though. I get barely any exercise in and no outside time really at all Mon-Fri.

Why are you in charge of bedtime every night anyway?

Tell your husband to stop being silly
He's putting his leisure activities before his baby and thinks you're unreasonable??

If he wants to see the baby, he swims at another time. Why should you and the baby have to suffer because he wants to relax and go swimming after work?

Easy, hand the baby over to him when he comes in and go out for a swim or whatever yourself. Take your time over it and stay out till he's got the baby to sleep.
I reckon he'll change his tune fairly quickly.

I would also book yourself a weekend away as he misses out on so much quality time, you would be doing him a favour really

@Classicblunder

I would also book yourself a weekend away as he misses out on so much quality time, you would be doing him a favour really

😂 indeed!

Thanks so much for all your comments. Few points of clarification

1. He doesn't drive and we live in the countryside so he can't get to our local pool I'm the evening unless I drive him which obviously I can't as baby is asleep. His not driving is another bone of contention

1. He swims most days for half an hour. I actually encouraged this as he says his mental health needs physical activity. So when I say he is choosing to do leisure he gets v annoyed as he says he needs it

1. He says 6.30 is v early for bedtime and plenty of babies go to bed at 7. I know this is true but my DS struggles to nap in afternoon (our toddler is home from nursery at 3.30 and then any chance of settling baby or taking him for walk is v hard). So yes 7pm would be better buy on his current schedule he can't really make it to that time without becoming overtied

DH says I'm obsessed with sleep times and am far too rigid. My MIL is always saying to him that I'm very "structured". But Im really not. I just know my baby and I know when he's tired and I want him to go to sleep at the right time so he doesn't get upset. I mean it's pretty basic stuff

Oh DH also says he isn't looking for another job because of MH. Again.

My own dad used to work his arse off all hours so I think I struggle to sympathise. My DH leaves work at 4, gets to swim every day, never does night wakes etc so his whole hard done by thing is waring thin

I wfh by the way and we have childcare for those hours. DH says I'm living the dream.

@LittleBearPad

So he chooses not to get home until 6.15 when he could be home considerably earlier if he didn’t go swimming? Then he moans the baby is tired and he doesn’t see DS?

What a selfish twatbadger.

Precisely

He has one of the few jobs when being home earlier is a option but he chooses not to.

He should also be doing half the bath and bedtime