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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
ancientgran · 19/10/2021 10:33

Clocks changing in a couple of weeks so will you be able to adjust times for that? I was always surprised at how my children adjusted when they were babies/toddlers. It will be a very early bedtime if you can't. (I think, the clocks changing always confuses me.)

Chartreuse45 · 19/10/2021 13:22

@merryhouse - the clocks go back so the baby will fall asleep at 5.30p.m. I vote for following the baby's rhythm and this way the baby is fast asleep before your husband even gets home. You avoid the stress of an over tired baby and guilt-trip from your husband; the baby sleeps well and it forces your husband to decide what his priorities are.
I'm by no means a person who thinks children should decide everything in a family but a baby who sleeps well when allowed to follow his/her rhythm, anything else seems like torture. (Okay - maybe just disrespect!)

junebirthdaygirl · 19/10/2021 17:11

Recently l met a couple out with a small child . He is a teacher. He told me he had just changed jobs. His wife said
"He was commuting an hour each way and that's 2 hours each day out of baby's life. He took a job ten minutes away." They were both thrilled.
That's a dad who wants to see his baby and a wife who is not prepared to be landed doing everything.
I wouldn't have liked to see her face if he announced he would be swimming each evening while baby was up. He actually does have lots of hobbies but after bedtime.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2021 18:41

Is your husband one of those silly men who think the baby is a marvelous toy you produced for his entertainment?

And is he mad because you won't let him play with it?

What a mean old mummy you are, spoiling diddums' fun.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2021 18:49

Having read your update - he's a spoiled, envious princess whose mother still has him firmly by the apron strings.

You need to put your foot down. If he craves time with the baby then he gets to do night wakings and all the care and keeping of the baby and toddler at weekends too. He can deal with all the natural consequences of his time allocation decisions.

He's being utterly selfish and unreasonable. If he has a genuine MH condition then he needs to get professional help for it, not leave all the hard work to you while he feels sorry for himself (and gets all the exercise and sleep he wants).

mathanxiety · 19/10/2021 19:02

@MilkywayMonarch22
He sleeps all night every night because he fully realizes the importance of sleep. His sleep, that is. Other people's sleep - what, you mean other people have needs?

When you find yourself explaining basic stuff - essentially in this case that other people have needs - you know you're dealing with a person whose selfishness is pathological.

ancientgran · 19/10/2021 19:10

[quote Chartreuse45]@merryhouse - the clocks go back so the baby will fall asleep at 5.30p.m. I vote for following the baby's rhythm and this way the baby is fast asleep before your husband even gets home. You avoid the stress of an over tired baby and guilt-trip from your husband; the baby sleeps well and it forces your husband to decide what his priorities are.
I'm by no means a person who thinks children should decide everything in a family but a baby who sleeps well when allowed to follow his/her rhythm, anything else seems like torture. (Okay - maybe just disrespect!)[/quote]
So baby gets 12 hrs sleep and gets everyone up at 5.30 am? I can't imagine anything worse.

DifferentHair · 20/10/2021 02:51

@mathanxiety

That is such a perfect and succinct way of putting it.

It applies to so many 'AIBU' situations where a woman expects something incredibly basic from her partner, and instead of doing the unremarkable minimum in relation to care or respect towards his family the man sets about trying to make his partner feel she is wrong for wanting or needing it. He is so confident that she begins to wonder, genuinely, whether she is being unreasonable.

What did women do before the internet?

CrabbyCreek · 20/10/2021 05:21

Oh op. Your other threads are so depressing. You're feeling stuck.
3year marriage isn't long, you're primary carer. Get rid of him now while it's not a long marriage.
Get legal advice.
You might be able to keep your house and get rid of him cheaper than you think.
If he becomes sahd it'll be really hard.

Good luck.

PennyWus · 20/10/2021 05:26

He is treating the baby like a toy. Tell him to give his head a wobble, come home earlier until baby is in a more mature routine.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 20/10/2021 05:51

What did women do before the internet?

Suffer

Jengnr · 20/10/2021 08:07

Really struggling to see what he beings to the relationship. Sounds like you’d be miles happier on your own and he can have two whole days with them every other weekend for nice quality time.

He may need to exercise for his MH but he doesn’t have to swim. He could run or walk once baby is in bed.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 20/10/2021 10:41

Thank you so much for all your help. Safe to say most of you think I'm not being unreasonable. I will insist on DS2 going to bed exactly when I think he needs to go to bed.

I had a work online thing last night so DH came back early to put both kids to bed. An hour later I was still on my work call and I could hear the baby screaming and screaming, and DH was sitting in the corridor. He said 'I can't do it. It's useless. He only wants you'.

So I left my work meeting (turn off camera and sneak out) and went to sort the DS2 out.

I'm so exhausted by it. It's the self-pity, DS2 doesn't love him, he hates his commute, he can't even go swimming without being made to feel guilty etc.

Problem is he's not a well man. He has verbal tics, anxiety, talks to himself when I'm not in the room.

Only positive thing is I've signed up to therapy myself to try and build up the strength to make some decisions..I am not scared of being a single parent. I'm not scared of being lonely. I'm 35 but I'm off me for life. I just want my home and kids and no DH. But I can't have that. I can only have him as an exH and that feels terrifying. At the moment, life is frustrating but if we split, I feel v scared of what might happen to us all.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 20/10/2021 10:42

*off MEN for life. :)

OP posts:
eeek88 · 20/10/2021 11:27

@HandScreen

I don't understand why you think you get to make this decision about the baby's bed time. If I got home at 6.15, and my husband "snatched" the baby out of my arms at 6.30 because he felt he could dictate when the baby's bedtime was, there would be serious trouble. Your husband gets to decide the bedtime is at 7 as much as you get to decide it's at 6.30. You don't get trumps on these decisions because you have a vagina.
No, she gets trumps on these decisions because she appears to be the baby’s as-good-as-sole carer. She does bedtime, night waking and the vast majority of the childcare. As well as working. It’s nothing to do with having a vagina.

He’s either an amazingly talented teacher or a shit one (or a PE teacher) if he can waltz out of work at 4 every day.

He should replace his swim with a run after the baby goes to bed if he’s that bothered. Which he obviously isn’t. He just wants to blame his wife for the fact he doesn’t spend any time with his kids.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 20/10/2021 11:39

For everyone asking about him leaving at 4pm as a teacher - He's head of department but doesn't seem to have many lessons to teach. He leaves as soon as he can every day, never works at home or anything like that. He's get v. wound up at work and feels undervalued, so has given up a bit and does bare minimum I think.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/10/2021 12:34

Doesn’t sound like he’d fight you hard for custody if he CBA to deal with a baby for one night…

I’m glad you’ve signed up for counselling. Flowers

I understand what you mean- the dealing with him for life, the worry of divorce and him being an ex - but from what you’ve said you really only have the nuclear option available. He can’t/won’t change. Perhaps apart he’ll sort himself out to be a decent committed father. While you live together and carry him it seems clear he’ll never stop putting that burden/blame on you.

billy1966 · 20/10/2021 12:53

Dear lord OP, protect yourself.

You are being ground into the ground by this man.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children that desperately need their mum well.

He is making your life harder, every day, in every way.

Reach out for support and help yourself.

Therapy is a great idea.
Keep posting. Flowers

Jazzles2021 · 20/10/2021 13:00

Can't read all the comments but have read all yours OP. What utter madness. You are not being unreasonable. DH is needs to pull his finger out his arse and 'be a man' (sorry Mumsnet). Learn to drive, stop moaning about work or make a change, stop swimming every night if he really wants to see the baby, and be absolutely delighted that he's got a wife who is making sure baby has exactly what they need including a great routine! If he acts like this at work no wonder he doesn't 'feel appreciated'. Sounds like the kind of guy who thinks things are always somebody else's fault.

sueelleker · 20/10/2021 13:26

Haven't RTFT, but every time your baby wakes in the night, wake your DH so he can "spend time with him". See how he likes losing sleep.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2021 13:35

@AnotherGo123

**This sounds martyr-y. Of course your baby will have a third nap. Nearly all 6 month olds do. No need to drive them around, naps aren't onerous

@HandScreen - DH, is that you? Wink

@AnotherGo123

Yes. All babies are the same.

All of them do the same thing at the same age.

This continues into Adulthood

FGS!

Classicblunder · 20/10/2021 14:35

I hope the counselling helps.

I don't think you have to worry that he would want custody - you'll be lucky if he spends any time with the kids at all. I am sure he will make things difficult but he already does - at least you won't have to deal with him every day.

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2021 14:37

@DeireadhFomhair

While I think 6.30 is very early, I know when you're at that stage any disruption can really impact their sleep. Bed time will get later as child gets older, but in the meantime I really don't understand why he's putting going for a swim ahead of being at home with his child.
Really? Both my 6 month old and 2.5 year old are in bed at 6.30. They sleep until 7am.
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 20/10/2021 16:29

@AnotherGo123

For everyone asking about him leaving at 4pm as a teacher - He's head of department but doesn't seem to have many lessons to teach. He leaves as soon as he can every day, never works at home or anything like that. He's get v. wound up at work and feels undervalued, so has given up a bit and does bare minimum I think.
Could he have actually lost his job? This is not really feasible. Is he in secondary?
Classicblunder · 20/10/2021 16:37

Could he have actually lost his job? This is not really feasible. Is he in secondary?

I don't think this is so unusual - I know some teachers work very long hours but I also know a fair number who don't

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