To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

BTW if you fix the baby sleep issue, another one will pop up straight away. It never ends. Oh and do not let him be a SAHP in a rural area when he can't drive. Otherwise you will end up working full time and doing all of the drop offs, playdates, weekend parties, extra curricular activities etc. For all of them!.

Omg. How does this weak, unwell man you describe manage in an inner city school?

Tbh. The only 'solution' I can think of is to also book jan-march off. I fear he's not planning to go back otherwise.

Splitting isn't to be taken lightly but neither is the concern that he may be planning a life as a SAHD.

Tell him that it's a great idea and that he should practice by doing all of the childcare over half term while you go out and do things for your mental health

Excellent plan!

And not just the childcare! Being sahp is NOT just childcare he doesn't get to leave all the chores and life admin to you if you're the one working and he's at home.

Too many of THIS type of man who chooses to be a sahp cos they think it's a total doss do the bare minimum of childcare (feed the kids crap, plonk them in front of tv etc) and do NONE of the associated work like dishes, laundry, general tidying etc there are several threads like this and the mum feels unable to split as they fear he would get residency

I've seen it a couple of times irl too.

This is NOT to say all Sahd are like this I also know and know of others who genuinely step up and put the work in but I REALLY don't see this guy doing that.

Given what you say of his attitude at work as well as at home (not one night waking the whole summer holidays?! Wtf!) he sounds plain lazy!

I'd even go as far as to say if you can afford it and feel you can do it emotionally, and despite his laziness feel confident the children wouldn't genuinely suffer - go away for a break next half term, or even just a long weekend (inset day?) throw him in at the deep end and don't let him off household duties either on this coming back to a home that's a mess if you did this would be totally unacceptable! At least the older one if not expressing for the younger.

I agree @Classicblunder I think he'll make a pigs ear of it! But it may be enough to put him off his grand plan of not bothering with work cos being a sahp is sooo much easier  (and yet he can't even settle them on one evening? Aye right!)

@LookItsMeAgain yea I agree when I had dd I planned to be an easy going not routine led mum and I ended up with... a baby that craved routine especially around sleep/naps and feeding times - and if we didn't stick to that it was murder for all of us! Even my ex recognised and accepted that. Much later in dds life (she was nearly 12) she was dx with a disability and I later learned that this is common with babies/children with that condition as they have issues with fatigue, pain and digestive issues. She was doing naturally what was best for her body.

I've also been a nanny and childminder and every child is different. Some don't need or want a routine, others it's essential for them, most are somewhere in between.

@LookItsMeAgain the difficulty with the driving test is there's a huge backlog due to COVID and tests weren't happening during lockdown. My dd and her friends are at the age/stage of learning to drive and local Facebook pages too I've noticed it's incredibly hard to even get theory tests booked. 6-8 month waiting list here and that's not even to get a test that's actually local that's in glasgow which is about an hour away by train from me - this is the other issue the THEORY test centres are sometimes not convenient/easy/cheap to get to for those travelling by public transport (which of course many of those going to these places will be! Utterly stupid in my opinion not to have them somewhere central or at least one of them!) practical tests it's about 10 months!

He cannot sit like a waif on the landing saying "It's useless...I can't do it". That is not an option. He has to persevere with it. He hasn't a clue where the kids are concerned.

Yep! We see this so often on here and again I've come across it irl too (in particular as my mum recently reminded me, one relative by marriage would give it "but the baby/toddler won't settle for me" my dad lost patience with him one time and let him have some home truths "well maybe if you were home more (golf fanatic) and DID more bedtimes that wouldn't be an issue! It doesn't happen by bloody magic! Your wife didn't instantly know how to settle them she learned what worked for them by doing it every night! That's what it takes, time effort and practice" relative made a little more effort after that for a while but yea basically lazy and entitled - which is so often the case with men like this.

I’d start making notes of times and dates when he can’t handle the kids. Like you having to leave a work call to do bedtime

Yep this could be useful come a potential split

I suspect even if you split he wouldn't even go for 50/50, I think he is just basically lazy and would rather not work and not have any responsibilities at all. But I get why you're worried and feel the need to protect yourself in case he did try for residency or 50/50 but I reckon he won't bother

i read your posts and im so happy you're going to a solicitor.

Honestly, you'd be surprised how quickly he would be
He's draining you and your children's lives with this pity party.

You sound like an amazingly supportive wife, I'm sorry he's too wrapped up in himself to notice.

So his priority is work, swim, baby mmmm

OP,

HE has a plan, he just hasn't told YOU.

He has booked parental leave without consultation, that is his first step.

He will try and extend it till after the summer until he has another excuse.

We can see this play out.

You are and have been played.

Unless you cop yourself on hugely you could find yourself very stuck with this nasty piece of work.

Get to see a solicitor asap and start this moving.

Reach out to family and friends and stop breastfeeding if necessary.
This is too important longterm for you and the children.

He can't do it for an hour but wants to do it FT.

Surely you can see the utter ridiculousness of this.

If he does take the leave, wouldnt you lose the childminder place? What would you do then if and when he returns? And you would save on childminding fees but surely he will lose out on salary so surely you wont be much better off financially?

On the driving test issue - he already had one and failed. I would be more sympathetic if he had made any effort to practice beforehand and he also went out for a big night out a couple of nights before and was still feeling the aftermath as he was out till 3am. I have urged him to get another one booked as know there is such a backlog

I could have written that about a teenage boy no?

The driving test thing kinda of illustrates the problem. If I remind him/badger him into getting one or just do it myself for him - I am like his mother and he seems to not only resent me for this but also becomes more and more useless himself

But if I don't do it for him - then I have a H who can't drive the kids anywhere so if I want them to be able to stuff (swimming, nursery, parks) - so I have to do it.

Surely they won't give custody to a man who has never had looked after them by himself and who can't drive. I mean - DS1's nursery is only accessible by car. It's just not practical.

He may well be hatching a plan. I don't know. I kind of think he is too useless to hatch plans. Useless or depressed. I don't know. Probably both. But maybe not. Maybe there is a intentional aspect to it all

We are meant to be seeing family this weekend but he wants to turn up later than me so he can game with his mates on Friday night. I could insist he comes with me and the kids BUT half of me wants to let him do it.

It's such a contradiction though. He wants to game with his mates, doesn't do night wakes, can't put them to bed. But then he starts bloody tearing up when he talks about how much he misses them all week, texts me asking for photos of them all day.

I just read that back. I sound so naive don't I?

We will be slightly worse off by him taking 3 months off but he wants to do it to bond with DC. How can I stop this? I am criticising him for not doing enough but then not allowing him to take time away from work to be a full time dad? He will say I'm setting him up to fail.

He was meant to call his family to ask if we are going to see them for half term and he forgot to do it.

He said "You didn't remind me"

I said "When I remind you to do things you say I nag you"

And he replied "Clearly there are some things you should remind me of, and some other things that constitute nagging. You should know the difference"

I actually laughed in his face and walked out the room.

Anyway. The message is clear. I've got to actually do it haven't I? My DS1 asks for daddy every morning when he wakes up (DH is v. good at making DS1 laugh and gives him lots of snacks & cuddles). It takes an awful lot of strength to break that up. And it's for my benefit really isn't it. Everyone else's lives are about to get a hella of a lot worse.

Can you approach it from the point of view of socialisation for your kids especially the eldest. If they dont go to the childminders for 3 months they may find it difficult to settle back in.
Tell him you're concerned that the reality might be different from the idea of it and suggest he treats half term as a dry run and looks after them the whole week by himself to see how much he enjoys it before you make any decisions. 3 months isnt going to make much difference to bonding as they will have forgotten it in a years time, if he doesnt see them much at evenings and weekends then it's not going to help bonding in the long run.
Or split before january and refuse to give more than 50 50 access.

Just seen your update, he sounds completely infuriating

I dont think your kids lives will get worse. They might get better if he has them for short busts of time and actually does stuff for them, as they would have two involved patents instead of one and a disney dad who blames their mum for everything that goes wrong in his life

OP you can't live like this.

You cannot seriously think that this can continue. Imagine yourself in 5yrs, 10yrs, 25yrs!

Get some legal advice, some really good ducks in a row advice.

Make careful moves to protect yourself and your little ones.

Think carefully about the leave taking. Would you get your child mind place back? Do you want him at home all day with the kids whilst you work from home?

Honestly, your writing is powerful and I can feel your desperation at how trapped you are. Please take some steps to move on. This isn't healthy, isn't sustainable, won't get better.

You can't afford to lose the nursery/childminder place.

Perhaps you need to pull the plug sooner so he can't establish himself as primary carer.

You are naive, but not as naive as you were a week ago.

I wouldn't give up the childcare spaces for 3 months for a man who won't mind them for an hour.

I simply wouldn't entertain it.

If he gets upset, tell him he is abusive and you want him to leave.

There is no way I would leave two young children is his care.

He would torment you EVER day with every moment.

You need legal advice asap as how best to go forward but do not be bullied to give up nursery places.

Go so far as to warn the nursery that you are separating and he may try and cancel the childcare you have in place.

You need to protect yourself.

He is capable of trying to fxck up your job through pure nastiness.

Your naivete could cost you dearly.

Get advice and get organised quickly.

OP have you already signed forms to transfer over part of your mat leave to shared parental leave? DH was going to do some (before covid hit and he was working from home anyway!) and there were forms we had to fill in for both of our works. If not you don't have to sign. If you have look at how much notice you have to give to make changes - I think it was 8 weeks for us.

He's a grown up. He can put a reminder into his phone for goodness sake. It is NOT up to you to remind him to do something. It is HIS responsibility not yours.

@billy1966 has given you good advice there. Please read it and take heed of it.

He’s being a knob.

The way to stop this and stop him getting his feet under the table as a SAHP is to go to a solicitor now with a view to starting the process of splitting ASAP, I think.

Definitely seek advice first/ don't jump the gun tonight or anything but I think pulling the plug is the way to go.

Also yes he makes your DS giggle in the mornings now... but he's not putting them first in the evenings and I suspect you'll all get short shrift time wise if you split. Your boys will soon realise what's going on.

If he takes three months off and refuses to go back to work and then you split then he could end up as main residential parent while you’re paying maintenance. Given that your relationship sounds very rocky I wouldn’t be too sure he isn’t planning this as a contingency measure. The threat of it could force you to stay with him supporting the whole family as the main breadwinner, or force you into leaving the house while he gets to quit his job and do ‘SAHD’ stuff. Seems weird he’s suddenly now wanting these three months off and is making such a song and dance about being there for the kids. Yet he’s not actually stepping up is he. Except for potential full time daddy mode when he can barely do QT now.

Deeply suspicious. No way would I get on board with this.

And definitely do as @KatieKat88 says if possible!

Yep you are still naive I think.

I have no idea if he is consciously trying to fuck you up.
But I think he is trying his best to have as little as possible to do and get away with it.

He gives this varnish if being a fantastic dad who cares about his dcs but refuses to do anything that would allow him to actually spend time with them! So it s only for looks. To look like he is a great dad, maybe to calm his conscience too because it makes him looks good (whilst not having to make any effort at all).

But tbh how can you have any respect for a man who asks you to be his mother at the same time tha his partner? As you said yourself, he behaves like a teenager. Not an attractive trait tbh.

Re your ds and making him laugh.

You do realise he is basically a Disney dad already dont you? Doing the nice bits where he can make the child laugh, giving in on snacks even if it’s not healthy. But refusing to engage on the harder parts or if it’s an inconvenience for him