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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
HandScreen · 16/10/2021 16:58

I agree totally that DH could try another form of exercise, btw

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 16:58

As could the OP.

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2021 17:05

@HandScreen

I'm a mum...I just think you're wrong. And awful to your husband who has expressed to you that he is having MH problems, which you respond to with name calling. I can't fathom being treated like that by my husband if I told him I was struggling with depression.
MH problems seem to be a good "get out" clause!!!
zinky · 16/10/2021 17:09

A baby can't avoid being tired, he is the adult, he has to make the effort not a 6 month old baby.

YourFinestPantaloons · 16/10/2021 17:13

DH says I'm obsessed with sleep times and am far too rigid. My MIL is always saying to him that I'm very "structured"

What an easy thing to say for two dicks people who never have to put the baby to bed!

He supposedly understand the value of MH and says he needs to swim for his. But your MH matters too and I know from experience getting the baby to bed at a regular, decent and consistent time makes a tremendous difference to your MH. So does yours not matter to him?

wewereliars · 16/10/2021 17:15

If he has depression or any other form of health issue, mental or otherwise, he should seek treatment for it. It doesn't just impact him.

But It's dispiriting that so many men use MH as an excuse to basically have everything their own way.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 16/10/2021 17:26

Fuck that, and fuck him. The baby’s needs trump his stupid, inflexible demands. He either finds a way to be home earlier or he STFU. Or, ideally, fucks off.

takealettermsjones · 16/10/2021 17:26

@HandScreen you have got to be the OP's husband!

Please read the OP's updates again. Husband won't do bedtimes. Why do you think she has no right to dictate bedtime and that she's not being considerate enough of his MH, but she does have the right to force husband into doing 50/50 night wakings etc, despite his apparent poor MH?

He has said he hates his long commute and that he can't spend time with baby. She's said she would be fine with him:

  • changing jobs
  • learning to drive
  • becoming a SAHD
  • reducing his hours
  • swimming later once baby's in bed
  • putting baby to bed

But he's not happy with any of those, and insists that OP change a young baby's bedtime, which currently suits the baby... And you think OP is the unreasonable one in this scenario??

Pull the other one.

twirlinginthesnow · 16/10/2021 17:39

He's ridiculous.

When mine were really small, pre-covid, DH had a long commute and was out of the house 7-7 Monday- Friday. So he'd sometimes miss them entirely if they slept in, they went to bed at 6. He'd not have dreamed of waking them or asking me to keep them up for him!

What a selfish man. Yes it sucks him not seeing them but then he needs to move his hobby or have a shorter commute. Anyway it won't be long until baby is going to bed later naturally!

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 17:46

Poor your baby to sleep OP. Poor baby. You shouldn't need to ask MN.

EarlGreywithLemon · 16/10/2021 17:49

You are not even slightly unreasonable OP. Why can’t he swim in the morning before work if it’s that important to him?

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 17:55

Thank you @takealettermsjones

He also hates the house and has suggested we move closer to his work back in the city. I've said I'm open to this but asked if to take the lead. Nothing has happened.

@HandScreen I am trying really hard. I book him driving lessons. I found him a therapist. I drove him to the swimming pool every morning during the summer. I am doing all I can to help his poor MH and his challenges. That's why I'm on here seeking advice as to whether I should be adapting our daily routine to help baby stay up later if it would make DH happy because right now he's pretty miserable and me taking the baby to bed upsets him a lot. He gets v angry about it.

If our baby is crying because he's tired I would expect both of us to agree that the baby has to go to bed. It's really that simple. My H doesn't seem to agree. I wanted to put it to MN to sense check it.

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkey · 16/10/2021 18:01

He's usng his mental health as a stick to beat you with. I've had times when my mental health wasn't great, but I was always proactive in seeking help / finding coping mechanisms rather than letting it affect my home life

RandomMess · 16/10/2021 18:06

I actually think he is classic of many people with depression and is having a daily pity party along with genuinely not having the capacity to take action to improve his life such as applying for jobs.

Does he put your eldest to bed?

He could put the eldest to bed and do a dream feed with the baby (will he take a bottle, could you use half term to try?). Like many parents he will have to make do otherwise spending time with the DC at the weekends.

Hopefully the day naps and later bedroom will resolve things over time but no you don't keep a child up later when they are distressed with exhaustion to keep an adult ready. He could of course launch straight into the babies bedtime routine and he'd at least get some time with him. He could also skip swimming day on a Wednesday to get to see him a bit more.

Chloemol · 16/10/2021 18:11

He is choosing to get home later so tough

He could look for a job closer to h9me and hasn’t, so tough

The answers in his hands

LolaSmiles · 16/10/2021 18:12

His situation is a product of his choices.

If he wanted to spend time with baby he could:
Look for a job closer to home and apply for it
Leave work at 4pm and come home to see his child
Find something else to get his exercise fix from home. E.g. my DH set up a Peloton type bike that he could do in the garage once DC were asleep

He chooses to keep a job he dislikes in a place with a large commute, and he chooses to prioritise going swimming over his family.

Don't keep a baby up and make them upset because a man thinks his child is some sort of evening entertainment when he's done doing his other fun things.

I suspect the reason he won't look for another job is because lots of schools won't be places he can leave at 4pm most days.

TravelLost · 16/10/2021 18:23

@HandScreen. The problem is that the father has already said he isn’t willing to make that effort to settle the child.
Because he is tired,

Why should the OP makes all the efforts when he is not willing to make any??
I mean he could have spent many hours with his baby during the summer to learn how to settle him. And do bedtime etc..
He didn’t.

How is that the OP’s responsibilty? How is it that now she is also the one to pay the price for his lack of involvement.

Sorry his responsibility, his choice, up to him to deal with the consequences

Nogoodusername · 16/10/2021 18:25

Honestly, he wants everything on his terms, despite being a grown man.
Why does the exercise for his MH have to be swimming? Come home straight from work, spend time with DC, baby gets to go bed at the time that baby needs, he goes running afterwards

Honestly, he seems to want everything to accommodate him - you, the kids. What changes is he making?

category12 · 16/10/2021 18:50

Is he engaging with therapy? Is he taking medication?

cansu · 16/10/2021 18:56

FFS Why is he being so dense and inflexible? He needs to forego his swim and come home to see his baby. Unbelievable. Yes, OP you are 100% right that it is completely stupid to keep a tired baby up. He really does sound like a dick.

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 18:59

I've taken on board all your points OP, thanks for sharing them. I still can't see what the issue is with staying up for 30 mins longer, but I do see that this is emblematic of much larger DH problems. It doesn't sound easy for you at all.

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 19:03

I strongly suspect that if you did cave on this, there would be something else he was angry about instead. You aren't going to stay with this man forever, if you're already thinking about divorce - so just get it done sooner rather than later, easier on the kids if it's all they've ever known

FortniteBoysMum · 16/10/2021 19:09

Why can he not come straight home, seethe baby and then go swimming in the evening? Alternatively cut down the number of days he goes swimming therefore giving himself more time with baby without disturbing the routine.

stitchy · 16/10/2021 19:10

So everyone has to live their life around accommodating him and his wants? Including the baby?

After my first ds I would have said it is easy to rearrange naps but after ds2 who was not not a great napper at all I recognise it can be next to impossible with some babies.

It sounds like you are doing all of the compromise as well as being the breadwinner. Your life would be significantly easier if you were single surely? Can he not see that?

wewereliars · 16/10/2021 19:14

OP the more you say, the more he is sounding like a manipulative borderline abusive prick. Been there seen it done it.

It is NOT going to get better, he sounds like a water torturer, see " Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. An exploration of differing types of abuser.
Because it's not always broken ribs or a black eye.

He is not looking for solutions here, because he wants to win?